Punch (60.1871)

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[May 27, 1871.

HA! HA! THE WOOIN' O'T I »-Old Song.

Young Mistress {gravely ; she had seen an affectionate parting at the garden-gate).
" I See you've got a Young Man, Jane ! "

Jane (apologetically). " Only "Walked Out with him Once, M'um ! "

Mistress. " 0, but I Thought I Saw—didn't you—didn't he—take a Kiss,
Jane ?"

Jane. " 0, M'm, only as a Friend, M'm ! ! "

ANGELS AS MINISTERS.

(From a Parliamentary Report of the Future.)

HOUSE OF COMMONS.—Monday.
Questions.

Mb. Disraeli, seeing the First Lady of the Admiralty in her place, begged
leave to ask when the trial trip of the new iron-clad, the Calceolaria, was to
take place.

Lady Yachtington begged he wouldn't talk about such a thing. It must
come off, she supposed, but the sea made her so awfully ill that she hoped she
might hear nothing more on the subject till the time arrived. (Cheers.)

Sir John Pakington, according to notice, wished to ask the Home Secre-
taress why a pardon had been granted to Jasper Montgomery Montmorency,
sentenced for a savage assault.

Mrs. Overcoddle said that the Hon. Member for Droitwich was a stern man,
and it was the belief of the Government that offenders might be treated in
better ways than by sternness. Poor Montmorency had said that he was quite
sorry for his outbreak of passion, and had promised to do something, one of these
days, if pardoned, for the man he had disabled, who was a very ugly little
wretch, and had probably aggravated poor Mr. Montmorency into a rage.

Lord John Manners wished to ask the Secretaress-at-War when the 199th
Dragoons were to sail for India.

Lady Bellona Jones said that they would embark when the weather was
a little cooler. Surely the noble Lord did not think that they were to be sent
while the heat made it quite disagreeable even to drive out except in the
evening. It was true that the Governor-General had telegraphed for them,
but he must wait. She had no doubt that he had got soldiers enough, if he knew
how to use them properly.

Mr. Walpole asked the Post-Mistress General whether anything was going
to be done for the relief of the over-worked Letter Carriers ?

Mrs. Scribbleton said that they were not over-worked,
but some people were always getting up a grievance.
What weight had they to carry ? Why, a bundle of
letters that a schoolboy would toss in one hand. What
was healthier than exercise in the open air. Of course
they were out in all weathers, but so were the policemen.
She had no patience with effeminacy. Her own boys
at Eton got wet through twice in one day last week, and
made no fuss. (Cheers.)

Mr. Henley wished to learn from the law-officers of
the Crown whether they intended to introduce a Bill
to amend the Law of Divorce.

The Solicitress-General said that the subject was
a delicate one for treatment by the present Government,
and that they hoped the good taste of the House would
spare them the necessity of dealing with such a topic.
She believed that she was addressing an assembly in
which there were many gentlemen. (Cheers.)

Mr. Lowe inquired whether anything was to be done
about a Decimal Coinage.

The Mistress of the Mint said, with some asperity,
that easier reckoning was wanted only by stupid people
who could not learn the multiplication table. Pounds,
shillings, pence, and farthings had done very well for
many thousands of years. Besides, all the poor little
children in the schools had been taught the old tables,
and she would be no party to tormenting them with new
ones. If the Hon. Member for Calne liked to go to
France, he could get francs and centipedes, and frogs
into the bargain. (Great laughter.)

Mr. Cowper-Temple wished to know the inten-
tions of the Government in regard to public recreation
grounds.

The Chancelloress of the Exchequer said that she
must answer that, as the question was really one of
finance. Government felt that there ought to be more
Parks. But money must first be had. They intended
tp sell the stuffy old British Museum, for which nobody
cared except old twaddles, and with the price of the
place, and the collections, and ridiculous old books, they
meant to buy and lay out a beautiful Park within easy
carriage-drive of the West End.

Sir Eoundell Palmer desired to know whether
Brady and Tate's doggerel psalms were to be removed
from the Prayer-Book.

Miss Phylactery (Under Home Secretaress), appealed
to the House whether any Honourable Member, especially
the editor of the Book of Praise, ought to speak of the
Prayer-Book in that atheistic manner. The Honourable
Member need not go where that version was used. There
were plenty of churches where they sang Hymns Ancient
and Modern. Besides, thousands of beautifully-bound
Prayer-Books had been given as presents, and were all
these to be made waste paper of ?

Lord Milton would ask the Foreign Secretaress what
was our present attitude in regard to the United States.

Mrs. De Charade (with her admirable Yankee imita-
tion, so well known in private theatricals) said she was
obligated to own up that the Yankees had been trying to
snarl our yarn, and had sent over a diplomatic cuss with
no more manners than a Bar, (to the Speaker, Yes, Sir)
but as soon as she had taken one single squinny at him,
she guessed he 'd have a bad time, and just this very
now he was gittin' that same. (Shouts of laughter, and
cries of " Encore.")

The House then adjourned, as the Premiere had a
delightful Garden Party.

Pound Away at Him!

Ascot St. Leger who, as a racing man, can talk in
no other terms at the present time than those of the turf,
says that he thinks a Grand Stand ought to be made
against any further addition to the Income-tax. As it
is, he feels himself to be too heavily weighted, and
wishes Mr. Lowe would put the saddle on the right
horse. _

A Fiery Steed.

Among the Quorn hunters sold the other day an animal
described as " one of the best-looking horses in the stud
fetched 210 guineas. The name of this horse was Comet.
We regret not to be enabled to state the length of this
Cometh tail.