Punch (61.1871)

October 28, 1871.]

175

tingise in a daylight of Ozone, let us aspire to the glorious light of
the Ozokerit! ! "

The fair orator delivered these words with such fire, such feeling,
such clarion-like eloquence, that from the people, at first spell-
bound, there arose so loud, so heartfelt a cry of grateful joy as is
seldom heard from the lips of those who are perfectly satisfied with
themselves, in their glossy hats and shiny boots, on Sunday after-
noon.

THE HOUR AND THE MAN.

the best policy; and, depend upon it, if you pay your just debts to your
father, you are likely to have the blessing from your Father who is in heaven
that your husband's delicacy of health may not increase into serious sickness.
Because you have a delicate husband, it is no reason why you should not pay
your debt to your father."

To do the excellent Judge the justice he administers, this was not
a case of " preachee and floggee too," for, in order to make matters
easier for the woman, he remitted the hearing fees. Whether his
style of paternal culture could often be adopted in all its fulness
may be doubted ; but it, has more than once occurred to Mr. Punch,
and he has stated his belief, that a Judge might do worse than occa-
sionally flavour his judgments with a little homiletic sauce. Nobody
talks to the lower classes with such weight as a Judge; and though
we do not wish him to preach sermons, we should often like to hear
him throw in a touch of morals—if he happens to recollect any.

WISDOM FOR WORKING-MEN.

A more than commonly wise and thoughtful speech was delivered,
the other night, before a meeting of the London Democrats, held at
their usual rendezvous, to discuss the new mare's-nest of an alleged
movement for the combination of Conservative Peers and Representa-
tive Working-Men in a Council of Legislation : —

" Mr. Frank declared that great credit was taken by the Liberals for
giving the people cheap food, but how far was this true ? he aske-l. The
Liberals had given tea at 3 s. a pound ; but meat, in place of being od. iad 6d.,
was now a shilling a pound. He urged that the only end the peop'0 should
have in view should be the declaration of a republic, and that th<) should
train the people to abolish all theology."

" See, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed."
Yes ; and think with how much wisdom it might be governed if the
plain common-sense ideas of intelligent working-men like Me.
Fhahk were reduced to practice. The people might easily be
trained to abolish all theology by a thoroughly secular system of
education. This would teach them to cry, "No Theology ! and to
demand the suppression of all Divinity Professorships, Bampton
Lectureships, and all other appointments and provisions for theo-
'^jurQjf^l^^^^^^p^^^T^'^' *"f^P^V^ | logical teaching at the Universities ; likewise of all denominational

^ - Schools and Colleges. Then, of course, they would insist not only
on overthrowing the Church, but also on pulling down dissenting
chapels and meeting-houses, all except those wherein Dissent was
carried to the extremity of Atheism, with which any theology would
be incompatible.

Theology having been abolished, and a Republic declared, there
would necessarily ensue a fall in the price of meat. Beef and mutton
would quickly drop from Is. a pound to 6d. or od., or perhaps id.
In the meantime, if Mil. Fkank would like to see the price of meat
reduced to those figures, he has only to get the working classes, so
called, to submit to a general reduction of wages to a point suffi-
ciently low to place the purchase of meat beyond their circumstances,
and render them, as a body, too poor to be able to afford consump-

b. John Bennett, of Cheapside, has been elected
Sheriff of London and Middlesex. 0, the prophetic
soul of Shakspeaee 1 "My lord, my lord, the
Sheriff, with all the Watches, is at the door ! " Mr.
Punch compliments the electors on the choice they
have made. As Me. Chaeles Ivingsley has just remarked,
" accuracy is the great want of Englishmen," and Me. Bennett's
chief business in life, hitherto, has been the supplying them with
various means of being accurate. The above hieroglyphic ex-
quisitely and subtly typifies the Situation of the day. Time, who

stands still for no man, and no watch, is protesting against Slow- j tion 0f meat any l0I,Ker. Then meat will he as cheap, for those who
ness. ^ No man has practically enforced this moral better than our i can affora it, as it ever was in the good old times.

new Sheriff, and Mr. Punch, who never misses a point, thus pays
homage to Punctuality. For himself, personally, he scorns it., of
course ; for as Loed Lytton justly says in Pelham, the man who is
worth having is worth waiting for ; but it is bad times for any-
body who wastes Mr. Punch's time, as fatuous Correspondents
know. But this by the way. It is not often that a F. R. A. S. is
invested with civic office, and the occasion demands Mr. Punch's
notice. To quote W. Shakspeaee once more, "The bells of St.
Bennet, Sir, have put him in mind." He is quite sure that it cannot

Another speaker, with obvious justice, complained that "since
the middle classes had been in power through the help of the artisan
classes, the taxation of the working-men had greatly increased."
What a truth ! Not only do working-men pay heavy taxes on beer
and spirits, which they are forced to drink, and still heavier assessed
taxes generally, but do they not constitute the class of all classes
the most heavily laden with'the Income-Tax ? Was it not they who
principally had the honour to pay for the Abyssinian War, and will
have that of paving for the Abolition of Purchase in the Army and

be said of the new Sheriff, as Rochestee wrote of his namesake, ! jor j-v, Autumn "Manoeuvres ?

" Bennett's grave looks were a pretence." No more quotations i It ' howey be worth the whi]e 0f Me. Feank, and that of
occurring to Mr. Punch at the moment, he nmshes with a bow to +Vw_„ -----i^i^™ +1^™^!™., tb0 wispr for t.h* wisdom

the Captain of the Watch.

JUDICIAL AND JUDICIOUS.

Theke is a town in Shropshire called Wem. It has a County
Court Judge called J. W. Smith, Esq., a Q,.C. The other day, a
poor old blind man sued his son-in-law for not maintaining him,
according to compact. The daughter was a witness, and admitted
the debt, but said that the old man was claiming it only out of
spite. Whereupon she received the following monition :—

The Judge : " Now, look here, my good woman ; you must recollect that
this old man is your own father, and you know very well that it is the duty
of a child to support his or her father, to honour and to succour him, and to
show him that respect which is justly due to him. You have got a father who
is an old man, and blind ; and, as you say, you have a husband who is in
delicate health. But you must recollect, also, that you have not only this
father, but that you have got a Father in heaven, and you are much more
likely to be able to piy your debt- if you do that which is right and just to
your father, than it you plead as yon have been doing. Honesty is always

those working-men who believe themselves the wiser for the wisdom
of his eloquence, to consider whether, though the substitution of a
Republic for the British Constitutional Monarchy would no doubt
be speedily followed by a tremendous fall in the price of butchers'
meat, that desirable result had not better be precipitated, if possible,
by the immediate elevation of an absolute Emperor, one such as the
illustrious Me. John Cade promised to prove, on the shoulders of the
rabble. For the despotism in which the Republic would probably
end, sooner or later, might chance to have been grasped by some
Restorer of Society, who would take a short way with Republican
working-men.

I'd Be a Mormon.

Sir,—I see -by the Times last week that Mormonism is a dis-
qualification for sitting on a Jury, i.e. in America. Can't this be
adopted in England ? If it is, won't there be a lot of converts to
the Great Bigamical Superstition by the time the new Jury Lists
have to be made out. Yours truly, Dodger.