Punch: Punch (69.1875)

December 18, 1875.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 259

BISMARCK TO HIS PARLIAMENT.

Speak my bidding, but mock it by signs,
Sometimes, e'en by a sbrug or a wink.

And they earwig mine Emperor and King,
As if my designs they saw through !

You must see that this isn't the thing,
And acknowledge it never will do.

E pleased to approve
of a Bill
To cheek insub-
ordinate airs
Of envoys repug-
nant to drill
In managing
Foreign Af-
fairs.

People fancy I
need but com-
mand,
That to hear is
for "subs" to
obey.

Kings and Em-
perors can un-
derstand,
And submis-
sively do what
I say;

But my subalterns
thwart my
designs,
More oft than
the public
would think!

It is known to you all very well
My instructions are lucid as wise,

And the truths I bid underlings tell,
Cozen diplomates better than lies.

Not to have them verbatim conveyed,
And confirmed in their literalest sense,

Both by gesture and tone, must be made
A gross wrong, and most heinous offence.

I can reprimand coxcombs and fools
Led away by self-will, and the lack

Of the wit to be competent tools;
But I want power to give them the sack.

To know that their place was their bread,
Might perversest of asses o'erawe.

But donkeys who want do not dread
To coerce you must grant me a law.

"Blood and Iron" I know are controlled
By the Mind that unshaken remains;

But I want a more tangible hold
Upon blockheads' refractory brains.

Royal Bon Mot.

{From our Indian Representative, By Telegraph!)

Mr. Punch has great pleasure in publishing the
following telegram:—

Ceylon, Dec. 9.

When, the other day, His Royal Highness went Pig-
sticking for the first time, and had the honour of killing
the only pig stuck on that occasion, the Prince, who, as
is to be expected from his fine and portly figure, _ feels
the heat considerably, turning to one of his suite, in his
own affable and irresistibly humorous style, observed,
" I must adopt a new motto—Bum (per)spiro spearo."_

I hasten to secure the exclusive publication of this in
the columns of Punch. It has created the best possible
feeling throughout India.

" ARMY, FORM ! "

Me. Punch begs to publish the following letters d propos of the
Army Mobilisation Scheme which have been received at his office
during the last fourteen days:—

Mes. Snooks' Boarding House,
Deae Sie, Islington-Super-Mare.

I bead your paper every week, after it has been put in the
Salon for the entertainment of Mes. Snooks' ladies and gentlemen.
I also read the Times, when I can get it away from Majob Poplet
(late of the Royal Shoreditch Highlanders)—the gentleman who
occupies at present Mes. Snooks' top-floor back. From reading you
and the Times, I know that you both are just and well-informed.
It appears that the Army is soon to be called out and distributed all
over the country. Why should this be done ? As a Vestryman and
a patriot, I beg to ask why ?

I will go further. If the Germans or Russians wanted to invade
England, I would ask why shouldn't they? Is not this a free
country ? _ No, my dear Sir, take my word for it, an invasion would
be a blessing rather than a curse to us. In fact, if the gentlemen
chose to come in the winter months, their arrival would be the best
thing possible for trade. Lodgers after October are very scarce. I
appeal to your sense of justice then to make the following announce-
ment public, for the benefit of foreigners in general and Germans
and Russians in particular: Should any number of invaders honour
Islington-Super-Mare with a visit, they will find waiting for them
a hearty welcome, comfortable apartments, and a really excellent
five o'clock table d'hote dinner, at seven shillings and sixpence per
head. I am, dear Sir, yours most truly,

December, 1875. The Husband oe Mes. Snooks.

Rosebud Cottage, Flirtington.

My Dearkst Me. Punch,

You are always so kind and so nice and so good that I am
sure you will not laugh at me, and call me a "little stupid." Now,
will you ?

I think the Mobilisation of the Army most proper. Papa says
that it is very patriotic, and I agree with him. I know that a Ball
is never so nice as when there are a number of Officers present. They
dance so beautifully, and are so very charming. Now are they not ?
But, from reading the Times, it seems to me that the Guards are all
to be kept in one place ! Is this fair ? Of course the Cavalry are
awfully nice, and the Rifle Brigade, the Sixtieth, and most of the
Highlanders, are dreadfully pleasant; but, after all, a Guardsman is

a Guardsman. Now isn't he ? If they keep all the Guards in one
place, it will be horribly unfair to the rest of the country. Now
won't it ?

Surely, my dearest Mr. Punch, the matter might be compromised.
All the Household Brigade might be sent to Flirtington, and then
everybody would be contented. 0, do see to this, and gain the
heartfelt thanks of Yours most sincerely,

December, 1875. An Unselfish Little Giel.

Me. Punch. Sie, _ _ Dublin.

Ieeland—the Emerald Isle, the Land of Saints—is a down-
trodden country, Sir. Be sure of that, Sir. But, Sir, the old
Irish heart is a noble heart, Sir, and in the hour of need, Sir, Irish-
men, to a man, would be ready to defend the flag with the triple
cross. Mind that, Sir!

But, Sir, I will be practical. Sir, in the hour of danger England
would require every soldier that could be scraped together. Sir,
she would want the Irish Militia. Faith, then, Sir, she should have
the Irish Militia and every soul of her own dirty red-coats. Mind
that, Sir !

But you will say, Sir, " Whom would we fight, were the soldiers
away ?" I tell you what, Sir. We would make it convenient, Sir,
to do all our fighting amongst ourselves, Sir, and an elegant time
would we have of it! Mind that, Sir !

The 0'Flaherty

December, 1875. Of Castle O'Flaherty.

Mr. Punch. Sie, Edinburgh.
I have been deeply interested in the account of the pro-
posed Mobilisation of the British Army, which appears to me to be
a very proper proceeding on the part of the authorities. But, my
conscience ! it will cost very much, very much, indeed I

May I make a suggestion, which has occurred to me and some
friends, who have talked the matter over thoroughly and com-
pletely over a glass of whiske y ?

Surely it would cost less were the Army quartered, rent and
food free, abroad—say in Sweden or Denmark, or some other
law-abiding and weakly defended country, whose inhabitants would
be able to offer no practical objection to the proceeding.

Or, if the money must be spent in the United Kingdom, does it
not stand to reason that it should be spent in Scotland, where there
is plenty of room for half-a-dozen armies, and where the expendi-
ture is sure to be properly appreciated ?

Disinterestedly, yours, Sawney McStingy,

December, 1875. Of that Ilk.