Punch: Punch (70.1876)

112 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [March 25, 1876.

MR. PUNCH'S PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE.

The reasons inducing two young people to enter the holy bonds of Matrimony have hitherto, as a rule, been love, interest, intellectual
sympathy, compatibility of temper, parity of social rank, and so forth. Now, Mr. Punch (who is an inveterate match-maker) thinks it high
time these selfish and old-fashioned notions as to what constitute mutual fitness for the married state should be improved away, in the interests
of the Anglo-Saxon race. He begs to present his readers with a sketch of two prize couples, exhibited by him (in imagination) at a "Married
Couple Show " (evolved from his own inner consciousness), and earnestly commends the same to the thoughtful study of the youth of England.
And oh ! should one single misguided pair of gifted but dyspeptic enthusiasts be induced hereby to forego their intention of taking each other
for better for worse—should one single splendid champion of the river and the cricket-field, on contemplating the above, transfer his affections
from some simple-minded and congenial linker to some such inspired littlo being as that who divides the first prize in the picture—Mr. Pttnch
will not have thought and wrought in vain. Verbum sap.

" THE MORE HASTE THE WORSE SPEED."

Scene—The Charing Cross Station of the District Railway.

Country Cousin bound for Baysxvater, to Ticket Clerk, with
scrupulous politeness. If you please, I want a lirst-class ticket to
Bayswater.

Ticket Clerk {abruptly). No first-class hero. Go to the next
booking-place.

[Country Cousin retires rebuffed, and fi/ids his way to next
booking-place.

Country Cousin. If you please, I want a first-class ticket to
Bayswater.

^ Ticket Clerk {explosively). Single or return ? Look sharp !
You 're not the only person in London!
Country Cousin {humbly). Single, please.
\The ticket and change are slapped down unceremoniously, and
Country Cousin is shoved on from behind by an impatient
City man. Rushes precipitately dotvn brass-bound steps,
and presents his ticket to be snipped.
Snipper {inspecting ticket). Queen's Road, Bayswater ? Wrong
side! Go up the stairs, and turn to the right. Look sharp!
There's a tram just coming in!

[Country Cousin, with a deepened sense of humiliation and be-
wilderment, hurries upstairs, turns to the right, and
reaches entrance to platform just in time to have gate
slammed in his face. The train being gone, gate is re-
opened, and the necessary snipping performed on his ticket.
Country Cousin {to Snipper, politely). If you please, will the next
train take me to Queen's Load, Bayswater r

Saturnine Official. Can't tell you till the train comes.
[Country Cousin paces the platform in moody silence, and ivishes
lie had taken a cab.

Enter Train, rushing madly along.
Stentorian Voice {without stops). Earl's Court North End and
Hammersmith Train first and second-class forward third behind!
[Country Cousin makes his icay toivards a carriage, but finds it
full. Tries another with the same result, and is frantically
endeavouring to open the door of a third-class compartment
in which there is one vacant seat next a fat ivoman with a
baby, when train moves o?i.
Indignant Official. Stand away there! Stand away, will you!
{Drags back Country Cousin.) That ain't your train ! What do you
want a-trying to get in there for P

[Country Cousin, in deeper humiliation, re-arranges dress, dis-
turbed by recent struggle, and resumes his agitated march.
Enter another Train more madly than the first.
Stentorian Voice. High Street Kensington Notting Hill Gate and
Bayswater train Main Line train!

Country Cousin {to Haughty Official, in an agony of entreaty).
Is this train for Queen's Road, Bayswater ?

Haughty Official. Yes, Queen's Road. Look sharp! She '11 be off
in a minute.

[Country Cousin scrambles through the crowd to a carriage ;
drops his umbrella ; stoops to pick it up, and on rising finds
train three parts through the tunnel. Exit Country Cousin
in a rage, to get a cab, having lost twenty minutes, the price
of his unused ticket, his self-respect, and that of everybody
he has come in contact with in the Metropolitan District
Railway Station.