Punch (77.1879)

September 27, 1879.]

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Hi

your duty to your men, and yet find time for writing to a newspaper!
Of course pen and ink have had to go to the wall.

Still, as I have heen told off to act as your Correspondent, I am
not going to get into a row hy disobeying orders. So here I am at
my pothooks again.

As Acting-Captain of the rear Company of a battalion in a middle
brigade, I have not the smallest notion where we are. That must
be clear enough. As a Subaltern of two years' standing, and not
the General Commanding in Chief, I haven't the faintest idea where
we are marching to, or what we are going to do. That must be
clearer still—now mustn't it ?

I may, however, tell you that there has been a rumour— By
Jove ! the assembly is sounding ! Must break off to fall in ! Ta ta!

Sunday {know it's Sunday—Church Parade this morning).
"We have had a lot of fighting. I don't know whether we won or
not. I fancy the former, but you can never tell. All I know is,
my Company behaved splendidly. Of course I could_ not see what
we were doing. I am dead tired, but jot down these lines as I know
you would like to hear from me. If I get any more news before post
time, I will send it you. Good bye for the present.

M

ET APRES?

e. Punch
feels, of
course, in
common with the
bulk of his fellow-
countrymen, that
there is nothing to
be done with Ca-
bul, at the present
moment, but to
take it. As, how-
ever, he thinks
that a British
Array may find less
difficulty in taking
it than in knowing
what to do with it
when they have got
it, he publishes a
few "suggestions"
on the subject,
which may come
m extremely use-

ful before next
spring.

Lord Lytton. The
easiest thing in the
world. We have
only to establish
there at once a
Perfumery Em-

^n^^S^^villi'KM ^ \v\HS\ fflft MnS^5^> porium, . Casino,
V^^ftm \ \V1 S lISsS^ Circus, Opera
\\W^Mv(U I \ ) \\\ PPtW* Comique, one or

two Clubs, and
push on the new

frontier to the Oxus. The sooner they know this at St. Peters-
burg the better. As to the Ameer, I propose to give him a satin
dressing-gown, a diamond ring, a volume of my poems in vellum,
and attach him to my suite.

Mr. Parnell. These Afghans are a simple, kindly, harmless, and
constitutional people. The country should be incorporated in
" reginerated Ireland," and send a Member, with all his travelling
expenses paid, to the Home-Rule Convention in Dublin.

_ The Emperor of liussia. Let a line be drawn straight through the
city with a cannon-shot, and Russian troops occupy one half, British Game of " Give and; Take."

the other. They may then divide the contents of the Treasury be-
tween them. Here would be, at once, a truly scientific frontier for
both of us.

Lord Beaconsfield. Wrhat! More fireworks required ? Very well,
then, we have only to take the country, and float a new phrase.
Say—" Robbery with respectability."

Mr. Gladstone. It is difficult to define what I would do with
Cabul. It is more difficult to conjecture what I would not do with
it. But it is most difficult to face these two alternatives, and de-
liberately hazard neither one nor the other. Here is good, stubborn,
and ponderous material for a Nineteenth Century article. Much
comes to him who knows how to weight.

Sir Bartle Frere. Only let me get back from Africa^/ '11 show
you what to do with it!

Mr. Toole. Why not give it to the Bard ?

Lord Cranbroolc. 1 appear to have ridden the high horse a little

too hastily. Still, I am quite open to conviction. In fact, when we
do get to Cabul, I shall be extremely obliged if anybody will tell me
what on earth I ought to do next.

Mr. John Bull. Get out of the mess we ought never to have
got into ; and after due punishment of those whom we find to blame
for the massacre trust natural against scientific frontiers for the
future.

THE PALLING THE CUETAIN.

The capture of King Cetewato having at length put a finish—
Punch trusts a permanent one—to the Zulu War, it will doubtless
be considered the thing to celebrate the event, as is now customary
under such circumstances, by some public monument worthy of the
occasion.

Mr. Punch leaves it to others to suggest the fitting site, material,
and design, though he has all three of course already in his eye. He
feels it his duty, however, at once to supply what is the most im-
portant feature of the whole, the inscription for its face, and puts
the following at the disposal of any recognised Committee_who may
take the matter up :—

In Thankful Commemoration
Of the close
Of the Zulu War,
Unnecessary, costly, and, at first, disastrous.
It owed its origin
To the untrammelled vagaries of a farsightedness
Philosophically independent of consequences.
It enabled
Sir Bartle Frere
To write kindly and encouragingly
To the Colonial Secretary,
While adding the sum of
TEN MILLIONS STERLING
To the National Expenditure.
Of doubtful public benefit,
However fruitful in National humiliation,
It culminated,
In spite of the heroism and endurance
Of British Soldiers,
In a grave crisis,
Which astonished the Duke of Cambridge,
Drove Dr. Russell into the arms of the Daily Telegraph,

But rescued
Sir Garnet Wolseley from Cyprus
And

Lord Chelmsford from a task beyond his strength.
Ultimately taken in hand
With energy and judgment,
It was wound up by the capture
Of the Fattest Savage South of the Equator.

Thus closing a fallacious policy
By the acquisition of a new and permanent attraction
At the Aquarium,
While bringing home,
To the profound satisfaction of the British Taxpayer,
To be rewarded with a Statue at Madame Tussaud's,
The Great Proconsul of his Time.
A grateful Country,
Willing to acknowledge, in the midst of much misfortune,
One undisputed public benefit,
Has raised this Monument
In Memory
Of one of the Costliest Blunders
Of Modem Times.

{Only two can play.)

JEfe. " It is sweeter to give than receive."
Of a whipping this doubtless is true,
But of kissing I cannot believe
It holds good, till I've tried it. Can you (
She. I don't know; let's each give and receive,

And so come to proof of the prop.
Both. Then you give, and I '11 take, and we 11 leave
The one to decide, who cries " Stop !

[N.B.— There is no end to this game.

A Line we have missed in "Allan's Anti-Fat" Advertise-
ment.—Great reduction on taking a quantity.