DOI issue:
July 21, 1883
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17755#0048
36
PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[July 21, 1883.
PLAIN ENGLISH.
Only the other day, due to the frequent and increasing- presence
of certain “ Continentalisms ” in the communications addressed to
him at the Foreign Office, Earl Granville had, by means of a
Circular, to direct the attention of “all members of Her Majesty’s
Diplomatic and Consular Services to the necessity for greater care as
regards the use of pure English in Official Correspondence.”
A Rider to the above, further enjoining on his subordinates the
use of “ plain ” English, has just been issued by the noble Lord, and
at the present moment it will probably be read with some interest
The following are a few specimens selected for their guidance :—
Phrase as formerly couched.
We express no appreciation of
your annexation of this Colonial
possession.
Would you, at your conveni-
ence, kindly signalise to us your
veridical course of action ?
It will be our endeavour to
oppose the suscitation of national
excitements.
The difficulty can be easily
categorised as quite unmotived.
An increasement of your profits
out of the Canal, and partial
arrestation of our commercial
prosperity, is what we shall not
disrecommend to you.
Our minimal assistance will be
£8,000,000 sterling at 3| per cent.
It would distress us greatly
further to ruffle our mutual ante-
cedent solidarity.
Regrettable incident.
Future rendering of same.
We should like to know what
the dickens you ’re up to now ?
If you don’t let us know what
your little game is, and precious
quickly too,—then look out for
squalls.
You seem to think John Bull
has put his spirit into his pocket!
Hot yet, Mossoo, I can teU you.
Confounded impudence—that’s
what'it is. Come now, what do
you mean by it ?
Fancy we’re going to lay an
embargo on our trade for ninety-
nine years, for your special bene-
fit ? Why, you must be a “ pack
of greenhorns! ”
You surely don’t think we ’re
going to find that for you for
nothing ?
Unless you take jolly good care
what you ’re about, I tell you
what it is, my boy,—we shall be
coming to blows.
Show your sense, then, and
apologise 1
JUSTICE—VERY MUCH—IN THE EUTURE!
Scene—Interior of one of the Royal Courts under the Amended-
Improved-Recently-Re-revised-New-Rules. The well of the
Court full of starving Solicitors. Briefless Silks and Stuffs are
heard giving rent to deep emotion in the pews reserved for their
use. Sharp Judge on the Bench perusing a Daily JSewspaper.
Sharp Judge. I really must beg the Bar not to sob quite so loudly.
It really is impossible to read in such a hubbub. Any cause to he
tried this morning ?
Official. It will be within your Lordship’s recollection that the
Court has wiped off everything, and that most probably there Avill be
no further business before it until after the Long Vacation.
Judge. Ah ! to be sure !
[ Continues his perusal of the Morning Paper.
Enter a Small Tradesman, who looks about vaguely, as if in search of
a resting-place.
Small Tradesman. If you please, my Lord, I am a Juryman.
Judge {taken aback). A what! \_General astonishment.
Small Tradesman. A Juryman.
Judge. Why, my good man, it is impossible. There must be some
mistake. We haven’t had a Jury case for the last five years !
Official {who has. looked into the summons). Please, my Lord, it is
a practical joke. The poor man has been imposed upon.
[Exit Small Tradesman.
Judge {indignantly). Too had ! I only wish I had the perpetrator
of the hoax before me ! I would assuredly commit him for contempt!
{Aside.) Should like to have the chance. It would give me some-
thing to do ! [Resumes his reading.
Enter a Plaintiff, timidly.
Plaintiff. Oh, I beg your pardon, but can anyone tell me where I
can get advice ?
The Entire Bar {rising like one man). This way, please.
Judge {severely). This' is most indecent! Until I know the case I
cannot say that he will be allowed Counsel. (The Entire Bar subside
end recommence their weeping.) How, what do you want, Sir ?
Have you a Solicitor ?
Plaintiff. Ho, my Lord, but I should like to have one.
All the Solicitors in Court {speaking as loudly as their famine-
created weakness permits them). This way, please-.
Judge {angrily). Silence! {To Plaintiff.) How then, you Sir,
what is your case ?
Plaintiff. Oh, please, my Lord, Mr. Jones owes me £10.
Judge. Then you can get on without professional assistance.
Under Rule 432, as your claim is so small, I cannot allow costs either
for Counsel or Solicitor. {Deep wailing heard from both branches of
the Profession.) Silence! And now, where is the Defendant ?
Defendant {rising from a bench at the back of the Court, where he
has been seated.) Here, my Lord, and I would observe that-
Judge {interrupting). You must not waste the time of the Court,
Sir! How then, the Plaintiff will state his case in as few words as
possible.
Plaintiff. Well, my Lord, it was just like this. You must know,
about October last-
Judge {excitedly). Stop, stop ! That won’t do at all. Here I will
help you. Did you lend Defendant the money ?
Plaintiff. Yes, my Lord, and-
Judge {interposing). That will do. You mustn’t say any more
under Rule 879. And now you, Sir—do you owe the money ?
Defendant. Ho, my Lord, I do not; for it was just like this.
When I found that-
Judge. Ho, no ! Stop! I can’t hear any more from you under
Rule 342, which limits the defence to a sentence of not more than
six words. {Referring to an enormous volume.) Ah, I see that by
Rule 27,431, in such a matter as this, no Witnesses are allowed.
(Closing book.) So the case is complete.
Plaintiff {urgently). But, my Lord, may I not say-
Defendant {imploringly). And can’t I explain that-
Judge {very angrily). Be quiet both of you! According to the
Rules now in force, you have had ample opportunity of bringing the
matter fully before me ! {More composedly.) What I gather is this.
That the Plaintiff says that he has lent some money to the Defendant
—an assertion which the latter denies. Thanks to the novel pro-
cedure, you are not put to the expense of Counsel, Solicitors,
Witnesses, and Juries. {Renewed sounds of lamentation.) Silence ! (
{The sobs subside.) In fact, matters are simpliiied all round. In the j
olden days I myself should have felt it my duty to have carefully (
summed-up after weighing the evidence and listening to the argu-
ments. But having no Witnesses, you have no evidence,—and employ-
ing no Counsel, you have no arguments. Under these circumstances
my duty is plain. I have here in this pocket a small coin of the
Realm. I produce it. {Suits the action to the ivord.) I toss it into
the air—so. And catch it in my hand as it descends—thus ! I then
decide in my mind, before looking at it, that the head shall represent
the interests of the Plaintiff, and the tail the interests of the
Defendant. And-
[Scene closes in upon the Suitors anxiously awaiting the Judge’s
decision.
THE BRADSHAW JUBILEE.
The fiftieth anniversary of the publication of the first British;
Railway Guide having just taken place, it has been suggested that a;
Grand Procession (something after the fashion of the Lord Mayor’s
Show) should be organised to proceed from one given point to another
—say from Han a veil to Colney Hatch—in honour of the interesting
occasion. Should the idea come to anything, no doubt the folloAving-
will be found to be a more or less accurate ‘ ‘ programme of pre-
cedence” :—
Railway Managers to stop the Traffic.
Deputation of Trains that arrive before they start.
Deputation of Trains that start but never arrive.
Deputation of Trains that neither start nor arrive but only run.
RailAvay Passengers who have not read Bradshaw, wearing tweed
suits, and accompanied by their portmanteaus.
The Chief Official of Bethlehem Hospital.
Railway Passengers who have read Bradshaw, wearing straw in
their hair, and accompanied by their Attendants.
The Boy at Mugby Junction,
Supported by the Young Ladies of the “ Refreshment ” Department-
Bradshaw’s prototype—the Sphinx of Egypt.
Practical Jokers (admirers of Bradshaw) two and two.
Persons who, after consulting Bradshaw, have caught a Train—
rejoicing.
Persons Avho, after consulting Bradshaw, have not caught a Train—
swearing.
Engine-Drivers in full dress, with their Trains.
Misanthropes and Cynics (admirers of Bradshaw) two and two.
The Editors of Rival Railway Guides, in chains.
Band, playing “ The Sleeper Awakened.”
Grand Triumphal Car, containing the 600 Monthly Volumes that
have been published during the past half-century.
Public Orator, repeating “ Lines from Bradshaw.”
And the Public in general, attempting to discover “ what on earth it.
all means l ”
PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[July 21, 1883.
PLAIN ENGLISH.
Only the other day, due to the frequent and increasing- presence
of certain “ Continentalisms ” in the communications addressed to
him at the Foreign Office, Earl Granville had, by means of a
Circular, to direct the attention of “all members of Her Majesty’s
Diplomatic and Consular Services to the necessity for greater care as
regards the use of pure English in Official Correspondence.”
A Rider to the above, further enjoining on his subordinates the
use of “ plain ” English, has just been issued by the noble Lord, and
at the present moment it will probably be read with some interest
The following are a few specimens selected for their guidance :—
Phrase as formerly couched.
We express no appreciation of
your annexation of this Colonial
possession.
Would you, at your conveni-
ence, kindly signalise to us your
veridical course of action ?
It will be our endeavour to
oppose the suscitation of national
excitements.
The difficulty can be easily
categorised as quite unmotived.
An increasement of your profits
out of the Canal, and partial
arrestation of our commercial
prosperity, is what we shall not
disrecommend to you.
Our minimal assistance will be
£8,000,000 sterling at 3| per cent.
It would distress us greatly
further to ruffle our mutual ante-
cedent solidarity.
Regrettable incident.
Future rendering of same.
We should like to know what
the dickens you ’re up to now ?
If you don’t let us know what
your little game is, and precious
quickly too,—then look out for
squalls.
You seem to think John Bull
has put his spirit into his pocket!
Hot yet, Mossoo, I can teU you.
Confounded impudence—that’s
what'it is. Come now, what do
you mean by it ?
Fancy we’re going to lay an
embargo on our trade for ninety-
nine years, for your special bene-
fit ? Why, you must be a “ pack
of greenhorns! ”
You surely don’t think we ’re
going to find that for you for
nothing ?
Unless you take jolly good care
what you ’re about, I tell you
what it is, my boy,—we shall be
coming to blows.
Show your sense, then, and
apologise 1
JUSTICE—VERY MUCH—IN THE EUTURE!
Scene—Interior of one of the Royal Courts under the Amended-
Improved-Recently-Re-revised-New-Rules. The well of the
Court full of starving Solicitors. Briefless Silks and Stuffs are
heard giving rent to deep emotion in the pews reserved for their
use. Sharp Judge on the Bench perusing a Daily JSewspaper.
Sharp Judge. I really must beg the Bar not to sob quite so loudly.
It really is impossible to read in such a hubbub. Any cause to he
tried this morning ?
Official. It will be within your Lordship’s recollection that the
Court has wiped off everything, and that most probably there Avill be
no further business before it until after the Long Vacation.
Judge. Ah ! to be sure !
[ Continues his perusal of the Morning Paper.
Enter a Small Tradesman, who looks about vaguely, as if in search of
a resting-place.
Small Tradesman. If you please, my Lord, I am a Juryman.
Judge {taken aback). A what! \_General astonishment.
Small Tradesman. A Juryman.
Judge. Why, my good man, it is impossible. There must be some
mistake. We haven’t had a Jury case for the last five years !
Official {who has. looked into the summons). Please, my Lord, it is
a practical joke. The poor man has been imposed upon.
[Exit Small Tradesman.
Judge {indignantly). Too had ! I only wish I had the perpetrator
of the hoax before me ! I would assuredly commit him for contempt!
{Aside.) Should like to have the chance. It would give me some-
thing to do ! [Resumes his reading.
Enter a Plaintiff, timidly.
Plaintiff. Oh, I beg your pardon, but can anyone tell me where I
can get advice ?
The Entire Bar {rising like one man). This way, please.
Judge {severely). This' is most indecent! Until I know the case I
cannot say that he will be allowed Counsel. (The Entire Bar subside
end recommence their weeping.) How, what do you want, Sir ?
Have you a Solicitor ?
Plaintiff. Ho, my Lord, but I should like to have one.
All the Solicitors in Court {speaking as loudly as their famine-
created weakness permits them). This way, please-.
Judge {angrily). Silence! {To Plaintiff.) How then, you Sir,
what is your case ?
Plaintiff. Oh, please, my Lord, Mr. Jones owes me £10.
Judge. Then you can get on without professional assistance.
Under Rule 432, as your claim is so small, I cannot allow costs either
for Counsel or Solicitor. {Deep wailing heard from both branches of
the Profession.) Silence! And now, where is the Defendant ?
Defendant {rising from a bench at the back of the Court, where he
has been seated.) Here, my Lord, and I would observe that-
Judge {interrupting). You must not waste the time of the Court,
Sir! How then, the Plaintiff will state his case in as few words as
possible.
Plaintiff. Well, my Lord, it was just like this. You must know,
about October last-
Judge {excitedly). Stop, stop ! That won’t do at all. Here I will
help you. Did you lend Defendant the money ?
Plaintiff. Yes, my Lord, and-
Judge {interposing). That will do. You mustn’t say any more
under Rule 879. And now you, Sir—do you owe the money ?
Defendant. Ho, my Lord, I do not; for it was just like this.
When I found that-
Judge. Ho, no ! Stop! I can’t hear any more from you under
Rule 342, which limits the defence to a sentence of not more than
six words. {Referring to an enormous volume.) Ah, I see that by
Rule 27,431, in such a matter as this, no Witnesses are allowed.
(Closing book.) So the case is complete.
Plaintiff {urgently). But, my Lord, may I not say-
Defendant {imploringly). And can’t I explain that-
Judge {very angrily). Be quiet both of you! According to the
Rules now in force, you have had ample opportunity of bringing the
matter fully before me ! {More composedly.) What I gather is this.
That the Plaintiff says that he has lent some money to the Defendant
—an assertion which the latter denies. Thanks to the novel pro-
cedure, you are not put to the expense of Counsel, Solicitors,
Witnesses, and Juries. {Renewed sounds of lamentation.) Silence ! (
{The sobs subside.) In fact, matters are simpliiied all round. In the j
olden days I myself should have felt it my duty to have carefully (
summed-up after weighing the evidence and listening to the argu-
ments. But having no Witnesses, you have no evidence,—and employ-
ing no Counsel, you have no arguments. Under these circumstances
my duty is plain. I have here in this pocket a small coin of the
Realm. I produce it. {Suits the action to the ivord.) I toss it into
the air—so. And catch it in my hand as it descends—thus ! I then
decide in my mind, before looking at it, that the head shall represent
the interests of the Plaintiff, and the tail the interests of the
Defendant. And-
[Scene closes in upon the Suitors anxiously awaiting the Judge’s
decision.
THE BRADSHAW JUBILEE.
The fiftieth anniversary of the publication of the first British;
Railway Guide having just taken place, it has been suggested that a;
Grand Procession (something after the fashion of the Lord Mayor’s
Show) should be organised to proceed from one given point to another
—say from Han a veil to Colney Hatch—in honour of the interesting
occasion. Should the idea come to anything, no doubt the folloAving-
will be found to be a more or less accurate ‘ ‘ programme of pre-
cedence” :—
Railway Managers to stop the Traffic.
Deputation of Trains that arrive before they start.
Deputation of Trains that start but never arrive.
Deputation of Trains that neither start nor arrive but only run.
RailAvay Passengers who have not read Bradshaw, wearing tweed
suits, and accompanied by their portmanteaus.
The Chief Official of Bethlehem Hospital.
Railway Passengers who have read Bradshaw, wearing straw in
their hair, and accompanied by their Attendants.
The Boy at Mugby Junction,
Supported by the Young Ladies of the “ Refreshment ” Department-
Bradshaw’s prototype—the Sphinx of Egypt.
Practical Jokers (admirers of Bradshaw) two and two.
Persons who, after consulting Bradshaw, have caught a Train—
rejoicing.
Persons Avho, after consulting Bradshaw, have not caught a Train—
swearing.
Engine-Drivers in full dress, with their Trains.
Misanthropes and Cynics (admirers of Bradshaw) two and two.
The Editors of Rival Railway Guides, in chains.
Band, playing “ The Sleeper Awakened.”
Grand Triumphal Car, containing the 600 Monthly Volumes that
have been published during the past half-century.
Public Orator, repeating “ Lines from Bradshaw.”
And the Public in general, attempting to discover “ what on earth it.
all means l ”