DOI Heft:
January 26, 1884
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17756#0056
48
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 26, 1884. I
INTERNATIONAL ILL-HEALTH EXHIBITION.
Spcciman Case, diagnosed by Dumb-Crambo Junior.
Prize Liveryman of the City
of London.
Builders’ Draughtsman.
Example of Payne in
the Chest.
How to get Coaled in the Head.
Cat, ah!
Frightful Effects of Injudicious
Draining.
Infallible Cure for Tick.
Influence, Sir!
A Bad Fit of the Blues.
MATCH-MAKING.
[The Globe, in an article on Matchmaking,
says that “the Professors of this delicate art
have fallen rather into disrepute.”]
Match-making ! Ah, it does seem strange
If all our occupation’s ended,
If never more we shall arrange,
That man and maiden be befriended,
By kindly sympathetic souls,
Who like to bring young hearts together:
Just as an office now controls,
On paper, changes of the weather.
Young girls we see are often shy,
And men we know are often stupid,
How charming then it is to try
And make them feel the darts of Cupid.
We know that Edwin longs to woo,
And Angelina will not tarry,
How sweet to make their dream come true,
And see they ultimately marry.
There is no fairer task in life
Than seeing with a soul prophetic
How man must always choose a wife ;
And since the Ladies are mimetic,
They sometimes choose too, and then man
Must yield, or else he ’ll rue full surely.
Thus, ever since the world began
The woman rules the roast securely.
Believe us that our rule will last,
Applauded in all future ages,
j We did good service in the past,
As witnessed by historic pages.
Match-making Kings we’ve often seen
Their daughters teach to conquer jhy men,
And many a matrimonial Queen
Has held the nuptial torch for Hymen.
The Stock Exchange in Danger.
A Cabman was, the other day, brought j
before Sir ThomasOwden, and charged with-
creating an obstruction. The driver excusec
himself, on the ground that, if he had driven
on, he would have run down several Stock
Exchange Gentlemen. Sir Thomas said, “ If |
he were a Cabman, he would not stop on
account of these knots of Gentlemen, but
would drive on and disperse them.” Let us j
hope this advice will be acted upon with due
caution, or it may be a bad job for Stock-
jobbers, and Stock-brokers may get broken
if this principle is thoroughly carried out.
After these words of Civic wisdom, probably j
the Accident Insurance Companies will
charge special rates for the insurance of
members of the Stock Exchange.
PHILIPPE CHEZ ALPHONSE.
(Leaves from a Pretendeds Note-Boolc.)
First Leaf—a Fly One.—Kind and considerate of Alphonse, after
all, to remember we are cousins, though the Almanack de Gotha only
knows what “remove” he can be. And he’s been a Pretender
himself, and knows what a helping hand is to a fellow in that
position. It’s such a tremendous pull to be recognised, when every-
body about you is making believe you are only plain Mr. Philippe
Orleans, ex-Colonel of Cavalry, and innocent Author of a big book
about America. It will pose me to be received at a real Bourbon
Court; and I can turn round to France, and say, “There, you see ;
there ’s the kind of prestige your Philippe Sept would bring you ;
look at Grevy’s poor relations, in comparison.” And then he had
promised to show me a few of those practical Kingly dodges, a sort
of Macchiavellian Prince in a guillotine collar—of which, unhappily,
I have no experience.
Second Leaf—a Rose One.—How wise I was to come! The little
demonstration at the Station wasn’t altogether everything a loyal
Frenchman could wish, but the newspapers have been full of me ever
since, and, if truth must be spoken, they had recently contracted a
horrid habit of altogether ignoring me. There was that unpleasant
anecdote of Aitrelien Scholl going about: “ Comte de Paris?
Connais pas ”—and it was a distinct relief to have sentinels pre-
senting arms, and station-masters putting on white gloves and
! cravats, and the red carpet laid down at Madrid, and a live King to
kiss one on the platform ! I am remembering all my nice courtly
ways ; the Grandees are delightful, and the Queen isn’t a bit jealous
of the Comtesse.
Third Leaf—a Sere One.—But oh, that Cabinet Council, at which I [
was allowed to assist, to see how it’s done ! Alphonso’s a plucky ;
little fellow, but he really didn’t look like anybody worth mentioning
in the midst of his Ministers ; and when he emitted that idea of an
English alliance against the forces of Socialism, Sagasta openly told,
him he hoped His Majesty would remember they had met to talk
common sense. And then two conspiracies discovered the day before, !
and the Queen has a headache in her bedroom because we looked
twice through the opera-glass at the ballet last night.
Fourth Leaf—a Yellow One.—Ah, now, par exemple ! Twocrisises- j
in one day : and we mustn’t go to Granada because the faithful bom-
bardiers are likely to throw shells at their Sovereign, and Montpen-
sier, my own father-in-law, is supposed to be plotting with Canovas-
Castillo, while Zorilla is said to be waiting at the frontier with
dynamite. Alphonso says this is nothing—only the ordinary course
of things ; but-
Fifth Leaf—a Fallen One.—But I think I ’ll remain Pretender just
a little while longer ; and I wouldn’t mind saying good-bye to-
Alphonso and Spain if there were a port or frontier town where
they ’re not prone to shooting Princes. I really wish those Paris
papers wouldn’t make such a noise about my being here. Why can’t
a poor simple Citizen travel privately ?
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 26, 1884. I
INTERNATIONAL ILL-HEALTH EXHIBITION.
Spcciman Case, diagnosed by Dumb-Crambo Junior.
Prize Liveryman of the City
of London.
Builders’ Draughtsman.
Example of Payne in
the Chest.
How to get Coaled in the Head.
Cat, ah!
Frightful Effects of Injudicious
Draining.
Infallible Cure for Tick.
Influence, Sir!
A Bad Fit of the Blues.
MATCH-MAKING.
[The Globe, in an article on Matchmaking,
says that “the Professors of this delicate art
have fallen rather into disrepute.”]
Match-making ! Ah, it does seem strange
If all our occupation’s ended,
If never more we shall arrange,
That man and maiden be befriended,
By kindly sympathetic souls,
Who like to bring young hearts together:
Just as an office now controls,
On paper, changes of the weather.
Young girls we see are often shy,
And men we know are often stupid,
How charming then it is to try
And make them feel the darts of Cupid.
We know that Edwin longs to woo,
And Angelina will not tarry,
How sweet to make their dream come true,
And see they ultimately marry.
There is no fairer task in life
Than seeing with a soul prophetic
How man must always choose a wife ;
And since the Ladies are mimetic,
They sometimes choose too, and then man
Must yield, or else he ’ll rue full surely.
Thus, ever since the world began
The woman rules the roast securely.
Believe us that our rule will last,
Applauded in all future ages,
j We did good service in the past,
As witnessed by historic pages.
Match-making Kings we’ve often seen
Their daughters teach to conquer jhy men,
And many a matrimonial Queen
Has held the nuptial torch for Hymen.
The Stock Exchange in Danger.
A Cabman was, the other day, brought j
before Sir ThomasOwden, and charged with-
creating an obstruction. The driver excusec
himself, on the ground that, if he had driven
on, he would have run down several Stock
Exchange Gentlemen. Sir Thomas said, “ If |
he were a Cabman, he would not stop on
account of these knots of Gentlemen, but
would drive on and disperse them.” Let us j
hope this advice will be acted upon with due
caution, or it may be a bad job for Stock-
jobbers, and Stock-brokers may get broken
if this principle is thoroughly carried out.
After these words of Civic wisdom, probably j
the Accident Insurance Companies will
charge special rates for the insurance of
members of the Stock Exchange.
PHILIPPE CHEZ ALPHONSE.
(Leaves from a Pretendeds Note-Boolc.)
First Leaf—a Fly One.—Kind and considerate of Alphonse, after
all, to remember we are cousins, though the Almanack de Gotha only
knows what “remove” he can be. And he’s been a Pretender
himself, and knows what a helping hand is to a fellow in that
position. It’s such a tremendous pull to be recognised, when every-
body about you is making believe you are only plain Mr. Philippe
Orleans, ex-Colonel of Cavalry, and innocent Author of a big book
about America. It will pose me to be received at a real Bourbon
Court; and I can turn round to France, and say, “There, you see ;
there ’s the kind of prestige your Philippe Sept would bring you ;
look at Grevy’s poor relations, in comparison.” And then he had
promised to show me a few of those practical Kingly dodges, a sort
of Macchiavellian Prince in a guillotine collar—of which, unhappily,
I have no experience.
Second Leaf—a Rose One.—How wise I was to come! The little
demonstration at the Station wasn’t altogether everything a loyal
Frenchman could wish, but the newspapers have been full of me ever
since, and, if truth must be spoken, they had recently contracted a
horrid habit of altogether ignoring me. There was that unpleasant
anecdote of Aitrelien Scholl going about: “ Comte de Paris?
Connais pas ”—and it was a distinct relief to have sentinels pre-
senting arms, and station-masters putting on white gloves and
! cravats, and the red carpet laid down at Madrid, and a live King to
kiss one on the platform ! I am remembering all my nice courtly
ways ; the Grandees are delightful, and the Queen isn’t a bit jealous
of the Comtesse.
Third Leaf—a Sere One.—But oh, that Cabinet Council, at which I [
was allowed to assist, to see how it’s done ! Alphonso’s a plucky ;
little fellow, but he really didn’t look like anybody worth mentioning
in the midst of his Ministers ; and when he emitted that idea of an
English alliance against the forces of Socialism, Sagasta openly told,
him he hoped His Majesty would remember they had met to talk
common sense. And then two conspiracies discovered the day before, !
and the Queen has a headache in her bedroom because we looked
twice through the opera-glass at the ballet last night.
Fourth Leaf—a Yellow One.—Ah, now, par exemple ! Twocrisises- j
in one day : and we mustn’t go to Granada because the faithful bom-
bardiers are likely to throw shells at their Sovereign, and Montpen-
sier, my own father-in-law, is supposed to be plotting with Canovas-
Castillo, while Zorilla is said to be waiting at the frontier with
dynamite. Alphonso says this is nothing—only the ordinary course
of things ; but-
Fifth Leaf—a Fallen One.—But I think I ’ll remain Pretender just
a little while longer ; and I wouldn’t mind saying good-bye to-
Alphonso and Spain if there were a port or frontier town where
they ’re not prone to shooting Princes. I really wish those Paris
papers wouldn’t make such a noise about my being here. Why can’t
a poor simple Citizen travel privately ?