Punch (95.1888)

16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 14, 1888.

ROBERT AT THE ACADEMY.

No. 26. Ah, I'm not at all surprized at the gorgeus but disgusted
Footman looking quite ashamed at having to carry the Baby's Nore's

Ark from the Stores ! or that all
the pore peeple as is a buying
their wittles and drink shood look
so estonished at the meanness of
the grand Carridge Peeple, and all
jest to save a paltry sixpense or so.
No. 126. " The Burden of many
a years." Ah, poor thing, if she's
I had to carry that big bundle for
ever so many years she must be
pretty well tired of it I shood
think. I nose as I shood be, but,
thank goodness, that hasn't bin
much in my line. Waiters wonts
pashence and manners rather than
mere brute strength.

The Parsons all looks perfecly
satisfide with things in gineral
and theirselves in perticklar, as
No. 288. The Ghost of a Patient, they ginerally does.
As usual, No. 198, Sir P. Hanson-, Bart., X-Lord Mare, carries off
the Parm Tree. What a costoom! how all the other sillybreties hides
their diminished heds and looks the other way at sight of his Jubilee
Robes. His late Lordship seems
about to say, '' Bless you, my
peeple!"

No. 348. Well, I do like cheek!
The idear of saying as Sent Mar-
tin' s Church is in the f eelds! when
we all knows, speshally all raddi-
cles, as it's in Trafalgar Square.
But the hutter hignorance of sum
hartists in many well known mat-
ters is sumthink ardly creddible.

No. 360. The young coupple
as is having of their nice little
bit of chat, had better look sharp
about it, for the old Lady, as

Sertends to be asleep, has evi-
ently got one eye open.
No. 364 is called " the Garden
of Eden," so praps I had better
leave it to my reader's eniagena-
shun, for I reelly haven't the

iniperance to elude to it farther _ No- 139- "Tria Juncta in Uno.
than to say, that if that sort of thing had continued, I don't see how
on airth we could have found employment for the wurking classes.

Robert.

" QUITE A LITTLE (ROMAN) HOLIDAY."

(A Page from History, more or less remote.)

The day for the Triumph of Titos had arrived. It had been
delayed for a season, as it had been desired (to quote a print of the
period) "that the Italian Exhibition,^)- se, should first 'win its
spurs' on its own merits." Again to refer to the same authority, _ it
had done so, and the Colosseum was opened with a view to give
Englishmen some idea of Ancient Roman Sports and Pastimes m a
more realistic form than had ever been previously attempted." And.
to more fully carry out this intention, the Directors of the " spurred'
(and possibly '' booted") Exhibition, made a charge, varying from six-
pence to 36s. to those Members of the British Public who desired to
avail themselves of the boon thus generously offered to them.

The Colosseum itself had a strange appearance. One-half of it was
filled with a motionless audience of persons in the costume of Ancient
Rome, while the other moiety contained a few languid spectators,
garbed in the costume appertaining to the close (or rather clothes) of
the Nineteenth Century. There was a flourish of trumpets, followed
by music, in an orchestra of exceptionally early Romans, whose
instruments, however, were of far more recent date, and then the
Triumph of Titus commenced.

First came a line of Roman Guards, whose helmets were brave
with coloured worsted. They were succeeded by rows (fully ten
men to everyone of them) of Etruscans, Gauls, Legionaries, and Pre-
torians. They, m their turn, were followed by Gladiators, "Young
Gladiators (who seemed well qualified to accept engagements of a
Terpsiehorean character), Lictors, and many others. Then came the
Emperor and Empress standing (somewhat unsteadily) in a chariot,
remarkable chiefly for an entire absence of springs. They were suc-
ceeded by more "Young Gladiators," Consuls, Vestals (judiciously
veiled), Matrons (seemingly not many years older than their imme-

diate predecessors), and Slaves. It was a motley throng, and one
that certainly gave to Englishmen " some idea of Ancient Roman
Sports and Pastimes in a more realistic form than had ever been pre-
viously attempted." And as the beholders came to this conclusion
they murmured to themselves, " So it is written in the programme—■
good old programme! "

Titus and his illustrious Consort having taken their places in a
sort of roomy and draughty private box, the Sports and Pastimes com-
menced. First there were wrestling bouts that gave not only an
excellent idea of Ancient Rome, but also an admirable recollection of
modern everywhere else. Then followed foot-races that were as full
of local colouring as the "wrestling bouts." These over, and the
"gladiatorial combats" commenced. They were certainly peculiar,
especially a contest set down in the official programme as '' the Roman
Quintet. Not surprisingly, the quintet consisted of five men—a
gentleman with a sword and four warriors in helmets, shields and
weapons all complete. The gentleman with the sword (who wore the
unpretending costume of an acrobat) for a while indulged in a fight
of two to music which fight of two gave some idea of the combats
once popular in the minor theatres of the mighty Metropolis.
Wearying of this, he produced a second sword, and, still to music,
engaged in a contest with all four of the warriors, frequently waltzing
about in their midst. This eccentric behaviour apparently caused the
warriors to die of fright, and consequently left the acrobat master of
the field, and ready to receive a wreath from the Emperor as a token
of his victory.

The "gladiatorial combats" were followed by some chariot-races
that rather suggested the idea that the animals engaged therein
might possibly belong to that useful breed of steeds known to the
moderns as " wild omnibus horses." Then came a contest between
"the net and trident," which caused less awe than merriment.
Ultimately one of the gladiators was wounded, and appealing in vain
to three vestals of substantial proportions, who indulged in "police
verso," for mercy, was done to death. Then it was that his conqueror
tried to drag him out of the arena. For some time the dead man was
motionless, but the journey being a long one, his legs ultimately
became revivified, and obligingly assisted in the rest of his lifeless
form's removal.

After this came—to quote the programme—benevolent and ancient
document!—"the teaching of the Young Gladiators." This instruction
proved to be a dancing lesson, and "the Young Gladiators," to judge
from their physique, might have taken part in the days of their
youth in a Burlesque at the Gaiety or a Ballet at the Alhambra.
More '' Ancient Roman Sports and Pastimes " followed, and then, with
a grand processional march, the Triumph of Titus ended, never to be
seen again, save at the hours of "4 and 8'30, wet or dry, daily."
And as the small crowd of languid spectators dispersed, one of the
more languid (thinking of the Wild West and the Paris Hippodrome
of a bygone day) murmured to himself, "'Wet or dry'—well-
beloved and antiquated announcement!—again and again, ' good old
programme!' "

GRAND PROSPECTS FOR "STUFFING BOYS."

Mr. Blundell Maple 's an amusing witness before the Sweating
Commissioners, who have all had a good deal taken out of them
during the past muggy weather. He is reported to have said, on
Thursday last—

" A boy who "was engaged in stuffing could rise to any position in the com-
mercial world."

Whereupon somebody among the audience shouted out, "No!"
which interruption evoked a rebuke from the Chairman. Then
Mr. Blundell Maple explained how he had meant that

" The boy could rise to any position as a stuffer."

And this correction of Mr. Blunder Maple's—(name altered for
the occasion)—was received with "laughter." But wasn't he per-
fectly right at first ? What better training could there be for the
honourable position of an Alderman,—which counts for something in
the commercial world,—than a course of "stuffing"? And as a
" stuffer," if he only stuffed enough, he might at last rise to be a
good old-fashioned English Mayor of the traditional type. For these
are degenerate days. We haven't had a stout Lord Mayor for some
years; there's scarcely a portly Alderman to be found 'in the whole
Court, and not a nose of any importance worthy of the Ward of
fine old crusted Portsoken. No Blunder, Maple, but you 're abso-
lutely right; and if an improvement can be introduced into the City
breed of Mayors, the Sweating Commissioners will not have sat, and
Mr. Maple's evidence on " stuffing boys " will not have been given,
in vain. The problem, "What to do with our Boys," is solved. Make
them "stuffing Boys"; and, like other boys, they have only to
" cram" sufficiently, to be able to rise—(sounds difficult for any boy
" stuffed" or " crammed")—to any position in the commercial world,
and become worthy members of the Big Corporation and full-sized
Lord Mayors.