Punch (95.1888)

122 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI._[September 15, 1888.

GENEROUS OFFER.

Buyer {who having had a legacy of £30, invests in 6 screws for Cab-proprietor's business). " You might give us a sovereign for

luck ; I 've done fairish business."

Seller. " Well, I can't do that. Tell yer what though, I'll chuck yer this other 'oss in."

THE DIARY OP A NOBODY.

August 22.—Home sweet Home again. Carrie bought some pretty
blue wool mats to stand vases on. Fripps, Janus & Co. write to say they
are sorry they have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for Lupin.

Aug. 23.—-I bought a pair of stags'-heads made of Plaster of Paris
and coloured brown. They will look just the thing for our little hall
and give it style ; the heads are excellent imitations. Poolers and
Surra are sorry they have nothing to offer Lupin.

Aug. 24.—Simply to please Lupin, and make things cheerful for
him, as he is a little down, Carrie invited Mrs. James to come up
from Sutton and spend two or three days with us. We have not said
a word to Lupin, but mean to keep it as a surprise.

Aug. 25.—Mrs. James arrived in the afternoon, bringing with her
an enormous bunch of wild-flowers. The more I see of Mrs. James
the nicer I think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie. She went
into Carrie's room to take off her bonnet and remained there nearly
an hour talking about dress. Lupin said he was not a bit surprised
at Mra. James's visit, but was surprised at her.

Aug. 26, Sunday.—Nearly late for church, Mrs. James having
talked considerably about what to wear all the morning. Lupin does
not seem to get on very well with Mrs. James. I am afraid we shall
have some trouble with our next-door neighbours who came in last
Wednesday. Several of their friends, who drive up in dog-carts,
nave already made themselves obj ectionable. An evening or two ago I
had put on a white waistcoat for coolness, and while walking past with
my thumbs in my waistcoat pockets (a habit I have), one man, seated
in the cart, and.looking like an American, commenced singing some
vulgarj nonsense about, "I had thirteen dollars in my waistcoat
pocket. I fancied it was meant for me, and my suspicions were
confirmed; for, while walking round the garden in my tall hat this
afternoon a throw-down" cracker was deliberately aimed at my
hat and exploded on it like a percussion cap. I turned sharply, and
am positive I saw the man who was in the cart retreating from one
of the bed-room wmdows.

Aug. 27.—Caerle and Mrs. James went off shopping, and had not
returned when I came back from the office. Judging from the sub-

sequent conversation, I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie's
head with a lot of nonsense about dress. I walked over to Q-owing's,
and asked him to drop in to supper, and make things pleasant. Carrie
prepared _a little extemporised supper, consisting of the remainder of
the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I was to refuse, in case
there was not enough to go round), and a blanc-mange and custards.
There was also a decanter of port and some jam puffs on the side-
board. Mrs. James made us play rather a good game with cards,
called " Muggins." To my surprise—in fact, disgust—Lupin got up
in the middle, and in a most sarcastic tone said,_" Pardon me, this
sort of thing is too fast for me. I shall go and enjoy a quiet game of
marbles in the back garden." Things might have become rather
disagreeable but for Gowing (who seems to have taken to Lupin)
suggesting they should invent games. Lupin said, "Let's play
Monkeys." He then led Gowing all round the room, and brought
him in front of the looking-glass. I must confess I laughed heartily
at this. _ I was a little vexed at everybody subsequently laughing
at some joke which they did not explain, and it was only on going^ to
bed I discovered I must have been walking about all the evening
with an antimaccassar on one button of my coat-tails.

Aug. 28.—Pound a large brick in the middle bed of geraniums,
evidently come from next door. Patties and Patties can't find a
place for Lupin.

Aug. 29.—Mrs. James is making a positive fool of Carrie. Carrie
appeared in a new dress like a smock-frock. She said " Smocking "
was all the rage. I replied it put me in a rage. She also had on a
hat as big as a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same shape. Mrs. James
went home, and both Lupin and I were somewhat pleased—the first
time we have agreed on a single subject since his return. Merkins
and Son write they have no vacancy for Lupin.

Motto for the Gaiety Adapters of "She."

" If we do prove him Haggard,
Though that his Jesses were our dear heart-strings,
We'd whistle him off."
{Joe KnighCa Shakspeare, Revised Version. Othello, Act III., sc. 3.)