256
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 1, 1888.
This is an English Detective. You may know him anywhere
by his Regulation Boots.
THE DIARY OF A NOBODY.
November 8.— My endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out
of my Diary still fruitless. Lupin has Daisy Mutlae on the brain,
so we see little of him, except that he
invariably turns up at meal times.
Cummings dropped in.
November 9.—Lupin seems to like his
new berth—that's a comfort. Daisy Mut-
lae the sole topic of conversation during
tea. Cabbie almost as full of it as Lupin.
Lupin informs me, to my disgust, that he
has been persuaded to take part in the
forthcoming performance of the '' Hollo-
way Comedians." He says he is to play
Bob Britches in the farce, Gone to my
Xobodv Nose. > /bank Mutlae is going to play
T ; Old Musty. I told Lupin pretty plainly
i was not in the least degree interested in the matter, and totally
disapproved of amateur theatricals. Gowing came in the evening.
JSovember 10.—Returned home to find the house in a most dis-
gracetul uproar. Cabbie, who appeared very frightened, was
standing outside her bed-room, while Saeah was excited and crying.
Mrs. liiBBELL (the charwoman), who had evidently been drinking,
was shouting at the top of her voice that " she was no thief, that she
was a respectabie woman, who had to work hard for her living, and
she would smack anyone's face who put lies into her mouth." Lupin,
whose back; was towards me, did not hear me come in. He was
standing between the two women, and, I regret to say, in his
endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather strong
language m the presence of his mother; and I was just in time to
hear him say, And all this fuss about the loss of a few pages from
a rotten Diary that wouldn't fetch three halfpence a pound!" I said,
quietly, Pardon me, Luptn-that is a matter of opinion ; andaslam
master of this house, perhaps you will allow me to take the reins,"
she had taken nothing out of the place, as there was "never no
leavings to take." I ordered Saeah back to her work, and requested
Mrs. Biebell to go home. When I entered the parlour Lupin was
kicking his legs in the air, and roaring with laughter.
November 11 {Sunday).—Coming home from church Cabbie and
I met Lufin, Daisy Mutlae, and her brother. Daisy was intro-
duced to us, and we walked home together, Cabbie walking on with
Miss Mutlae. We asked them in for a few minutes, and I had a
good look at my future daughter-in-law. My heart quite sank.
She is a big young woman, and I should think at least eight years
older than Lupin. I did not even think her good-looking. Cabbie
asked her if she could come in on Wednesday next with her brother to
meet a few friends. She replied that she would only be too pleased.
November 12. — Cabbie sent out invitations to Gowing, the
Cummings', to Mr. and Mrs. James (of Sutton), and Mr. Stillbeook.
I wrote a note to Mr. Franching, of Peckham. Cabbie said we
may as well make it a nice affair, and why not ask our principal,
Mr. Peekupp. I said, I feared we were not quite^ grand enough for
him. Cabbie said there was "no offence in asking him." I said,
" Certainly not," and I wrote him a letter. Cabeie confessed she
was a little disappointed with Daisy Mutlae's appearance, but
thought she seemed a nice girl.
November 13.—Everybody so far has accepted for our quite grand
little party for to-morrow. Mr. Peekupp, in a nice letter, which I
shall keep, wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could
get away, he would come up to Holloway for an hour. Cabbie was
busy all day, making little cakes and open jam puffs and jellies.
She said she felt quite nervous about her responsibilities to-morrow
evening. We decided to have some light things on the table, such
as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham, and some sweets, and on the
sideboard a nice piece of cold beef, for the more hungry ones to peg
into if they liked. Cowing called to know if he was to put on
"swallow-tails" to-morrow. Cabeie said he had better dress,
especially as Mr. P ranching was coming, and there was a possibility
of Mr. Perkupp also putting in an appearance. Gowing said, " Oh,
I only wanted to know ; for I have not worn my dress-coat for some
time, and I must send it to have the creases pressed out." After
Gowing left Lupin came in, _ and in his anxiety to please Daisy
Mutlae, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in fact,
disapproved of everything, including our having asked our old friend,
Cummings, who, he said, would look in evening-dress like a green-
grocer engaged to wait, and who must not be surprised if Daisy took
him for one, I fairly lost my temper, and I said, " Lupin, allow me
to tell you Miss Daisy Mutlae is not the Queen of England. I gave
you credit for more wisdom than to allow yourself to be inveigled
into an engagement with a woman considerably older than yourself.
I advise you to think of earning your living before entangling your-
self with a wife whom you will have to support, and, in all proba-
bility, her brother also, who appeared to be nothing but a loafer."
Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin jumped
up and said, "If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult
me. I will leave the house and never darken your doors again."
He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it was all
right. He came back to supper, and we played Bezique till nearly
12 o'clock.
THE TREASURY MRS. HARRIS AGAIN.
Is there, or is there not, a Public Prosecutor? Last week we
recorded how the Last of the Barons regretted the non-existence of
such an official in this country, and Mr. Punch brought forward the
evidence of Whitaker and the Salary List to establish the fact of
the P. P.'s existence. This week, in the Central Criminal, we find
Mr. Pubcell saying, that the case in which he was engaged was one
that the Public Prosecutor ought to have taken up. Whereupon
Mr. Poland requested Mr. Purcell (what a lot of P.'s in this!) " not
to attack an absent official; " and Mr. Justice Hawkins observed
(this was Justice to Poland) that in his opinion '' the Public Pro-
secutor was quite right."
Now, what have we got ? First, that beyond possibility of doubt,
the Public Prosecutor exists. Secondly, that he is "an absent
official." Thirdly, that he was, at the time of speaking, "quite
right." The last piece of evidence is important, and the Last of
the Barons will now only have to regret that this official was
''absent," but will rejoice that on occasion he should be "quite
right." He is probably never absent on or about quarter-day, as
Whitaker gives the salary of Solicitor and Public Prosecutor, i.e.,
two single gentlemen rolled into one, in the person of Sir Augustus
K. Stephenson, K.C.B., at £3000 per annum—and very kind of
Whitaker to give it. Only—what's done with it ?
English Cookeey.—We 're always hoisting the British flag, and
1 ascertained that the cause ot the row was, that Saeah had we've done it again lately on Cook"s Islands in the South Pacific,
accused Mrs. BrRBELL ot tearing the pages out of my Diary to wrap Great rejoicings at Cook's Tourist's Offices all over the world,
up some kitchen fat and leavings which she had taken out of the Islands now added to the list of the Cookeries on which the sun
house last week. Airs. Birrell had slapped Sabah's face, and said never sets.
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 1, 1888.
This is an English Detective. You may know him anywhere
by his Regulation Boots.
THE DIARY OF A NOBODY.
November 8.— My endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out
of my Diary still fruitless. Lupin has Daisy Mutlae on the brain,
so we see little of him, except that he
invariably turns up at meal times.
Cummings dropped in.
November 9.—Lupin seems to like his
new berth—that's a comfort. Daisy Mut-
lae the sole topic of conversation during
tea. Cabbie almost as full of it as Lupin.
Lupin informs me, to my disgust, that he
has been persuaded to take part in the
forthcoming performance of the '' Hollo-
way Comedians." He says he is to play
Bob Britches in the farce, Gone to my
Xobodv Nose. > /bank Mutlae is going to play
T ; Old Musty. I told Lupin pretty plainly
i was not in the least degree interested in the matter, and totally
disapproved of amateur theatricals. Gowing came in the evening.
JSovember 10.—Returned home to find the house in a most dis-
gracetul uproar. Cabbie, who appeared very frightened, was
standing outside her bed-room, while Saeah was excited and crying.
Mrs. liiBBELL (the charwoman), who had evidently been drinking,
was shouting at the top of her voice that " she was no thief, that she
was a respectabie woman, who had to work hard for her living, and
she would smack anyone's face who put lies into her mouth." Lupin,
whose back; was towards me, did not hear me come in. He was
standing between the two women, and, I regret to say, in his
endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather strong
language m the presence of his mother; and I was just in time to
hear him say, And all this fuss about the loss of a few pages from
a rotten Diary that wouldn't fetch three halfpence a pound!" I said,
quietly, Pardon me, Luptn-that is a matter of opinion ; andaslam
master of this house, perhaps you will allow me to take the reins,"
she had taken nothing out of the place, as there was "never no
leavings to take." I ordered Saeah back to her work, and requested
Mrs. Biebell to go home. When I entered the parlour Lupin was
kicking his legs in the air, and roaring with laughter.
November 11 {Sunday).—Coming home from church Cabbie and
I met Lufin, Daisy Mutlae, and her brother. Daisy was intro-
duced to us, and we walked home together, Cabbie walking on with
Miss Mutlae. We asked them in for a few minutes, and I had a
good look at my future daughter-in-law. My heart quite sank.
She is a big young woman, and I should think at least eight years
older than Lupin. I did not even think her good-looking. Cabbie
asked her if she could come in on Wednesday next with her brother to
meet a few friends. She replied that she would only be too pleased.
November 12. — Cabbie sent out invitations to Gowing, the
Cummings', to Mr. and Mrs. James (of Sutton), and Mr. Stillbeook.
I wrote a note to Mr. Franching, of Peckham. Cabbie said we
may as well make it a nice affair, and why not ask our principal,
Mr. Peekupp. I said, I feared we were not quite^ grand enough for
him. Cabbie said there was "no offence in asking him." I said,
" Certainly not," and I wrote him a letter. Cabeie confessed she
was a little disappointed with Daisy Mutlae's appearance, but
thought she seemed a nice girl.
November 13.—Everybody so far has accepted for our quite grand
little party for to-morrow. Mr. Peekupp, in a nice letter, which I
shall keep, wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could
get away, he would come up to Holloway for an hour. Cabbie was
busy all day, making little cakes and open jam puffs and jellies.
She said she felt quite nervous about her responsibilities to-morrow
evening. We decided to have some light things on the table, such
as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham, and some sweets, and on the
sideboard a nice piece of cold beef, for the more hungry ones to peg
into if they liked. Cowing called to know if he was to put on
"swallow-tails" to-morrow. Cabeie said he had better dress,
especially as Mr. P ranching was coming, and there was a possibility
of Mr. Perkupp also putting in an appearance. Gowing said, " Oh,
I only wanted to know ; for I have not worn my dress-coat for some
time, and I must send it to have the creases pressed out." After
Gowing left Lupin came in, _ and in his anxiety to please Daisy
Mutlae, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in fact,
disapproved of everything, including our having asked our old friend,
Cummings, who, he said, would look in evening-dress like a green-
grocer engaged to wait, and who must not be surprised if Daisy took
him for one, I fairly lost my temper, and I said, " Lupin, allow me
to tell you Miss Daisy Mutlae is not the Queen of England. I gave
you credit for more wisdom than to allow yourself to be inveigled
into an engagement with a woman considerably older than yourself.
I advise you to think of earning your living before entangling your-
self with a wife whom you will have to support, and, in all proba-
bility, her brother also, who appeared to be nothing but a loafer."
Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin jumped
up and said, "If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult
me. I will leave the house and never darken your doors again."
He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it was all
right. He came back to supper, and we played Bezique till nearly
12 o'clock.
THE TREASURY MRS. HARRIS AGAIN.
Is there, or is there not, a Public Prosecutor? Last week we
recorded how the Last of the Barons regretted the non-existence of
such an official in this country, and Mr. Punch brought forward the
evidence of Whitaker and the Salary List to establish the fact of
the P. P.'s existence. This week, in the Central Criminal, we find
Mr. Pubcell saying, that the case in which he was engaged was one
that the Public Prosecutor ought to have taken up. Whereupon
Mr. Poland requested Mr. Purcell (what a lot of P.'s in this!) " not
to attack an absent official; " and Mr. Justice Hawkins observed
(this was Justice to Poland) that in his opinion '' the Public Pro-
secutor was quite right."
Now, what have we got ? First, that beyond possibility of doubt,
the Public Prosecutor exists. Secondly, that he is "an absent
official." Thirdly, that he was, at the time of speaking, "quite
right." The last piece of evidence is important, and the Last of
the Barons will now only have to regret that this official was
''absent," but will rejoice that on occasion he should be "quite
right." He is probably never absent on or about quarter-day, as
Whitaker gives the salary of Solicitor and Public Prosecutor, i.e.,
two single gentlemen rolled into one, in the person of Sir Augustus
K. Stephenson, K.C.B., at £3000 per annum—and very kind of
Whitaker to give it. Only—what's done with it ?
English Cookeey.—We 're always hoisting the British flag, and
1 ascertained that the cause ot the row was, that Saeah had we've done it again lately on Cook"s Islands in the South Pacific,
accused Mrs. BrRBELL ot tearing the pages out of my Diary to wrap Great rejoicings at Cook's Tourist's Offices all over the world,
up some kitchen fat and leavings which she had taken out of the Islands now added to the list of the Cookeries on which the sun
house last week. Airs. Birrell had slapped Sabah's face, and said never sets.
Werk/Gegenstand/Objekt
Titel
Titel/Objekt
Punch
Weitere Titel/Paralleltitel
Serientitel
Punch
Sachbegriff/Objekttyp
Inschrift/Wasserzeichen
Aufbewahrung/Standort
Aufbewahrungsort/Standort (GND)
Inv. Nr./Signatur
H 634-3 Folio
Objektbeschreibung
Maß-/Formatangaben
Auflage/Druckzustand
Werktitel/Werkverzeichnis
Herstellung/Entstehung
Entstehungsdatum
um 1888
Entstehungsdatum (normiert)
1883 - 1893
Entstehungsort (GND)
Auftrag
Publikation
Fund/Ausgrabung
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Restaurierung
Sammlung Eingang
Ausstellung
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Thema/Bildinhalt (GND)
Literaturangabe
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Reproduktionstyp
Digitales Bild
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Public Domain Mark 1.0
Creditline
Punch, 95.1888, December 1, 1888, S. 256
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Erschließung
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CC0 1.0 Public Domain Dedication
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Universitätsbibliothek Heidelberg