Punch (99.1890)

August 2, 1890.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

51

WEEK BY WEEK.

Monday. — Colney Hatch Hus-
sars' Annual private Introspec-
tion. Balloon rises at Chelsea.
Sets to partners after midnight.

Tuesday.—Beadle of Burlington
Arcade's Copper "Wedding Fes-
tivities commence. Kangaroo
Shooting in Fleet Street begins.

Wednesday.—Mr. Punch up and
out with the lark. Afternoon
Fireworks on the Stock Ex-
change. Hippopotamus-wash-
ing in the Serpentine commenoes.

Thursday. — Billiard Champion-
ship contest in the Pool below
London Bridge. Cannons sup-
plied by the Tower. Anniver-
sary Festivity to celebrate the
Discovery of cheap Ginger Beer
by the Chinese b.c. 3700.

Friday.—Opening of the " Wash
and Brush you up " Company's
Automatic Machine, by Prince
Henry of Battenberg. Total
Eclipse of the Moon, invisible
at Herne Bay and Pekin.

Saturday.—Tinned Oyster Season
commences. Fancy Dress Ball
at Bedlam. Close time for
Hysenas in Belgrave Square.

The Austrian Inventor, who
has just designed his ship of a
mile in length that is to travel
through the water at eighty-
seven miles an hour, and cross
the Atlantio in something under
a day and a half, is, I am told,
only waiting the requisite capital
to enable him at once to set about
oarrying his project into effect.
Each vessel will be provided with
an Opera House a Cathedral,
including a Bishop, who will be
one of the ship's salaried officers;
a Circus, Cricket-ground, Ceme-

A WASTED EPIGRAM.

"Where is the Evening Gazette, "Waiter?'

"Please, Sir, it's not tet Hewn."

" Sow.v, Sir I It ought to have come up!"

tery, Race - course, Gambling-
saloon, and a couple of lines of
Electric Tram-oars. The. total
charge for board and transit will
be only 10s. &d. a dav, which will
bring the fare to New .York to
something like 16s. As it is cal-
culated that at least 100,000
passengers will cross the Atlantic
on each journey, the financial
aspect of the whole concern seems
sound. As I said before, the oiily
difficulty is the capital. Surely
some enterprising Crcesus who has
thirty millions lying idle in the
Two-and-a-half per Cents, might
look at the matter.

"A Sporting Tipster"
writes :—" Perhaps you are not
aware that the feature of next
Season's Foot-ball will be the
arrival of a strong team of the
Kajawee Cannibal Islanders, a
ferocious race, who have been in-
structed in the game by a cele-
brated Midland half-baok. As in
practice they invariably, instead
of a foot-ball, use a fresh human
head, and in a scrimmage leave
half their number dead on the
Held, by having recourse to the
'Kogo' or 'Spine Splitting
Stroke,' introduced from a local
athletic game, some excitement
will no doubt be manifested in
sporting oircles when they meet
the Clapham Rovers, as. I believe,
it is arranged they shall do at the
Oval, early in November next."

Hats of the style of the earliest
portion of the Saxon Heptarchy
will not, after all, be seen in the
Row daring this Season, though
several male leaders of fashion are
stated to have given orders for
them on an approved model.

MINE AND THINE.

[In a recent case, a promoter of Gold Mining Companies was asked if any of
his Companies had ever paid a penny of dividend. His answer was, " You
cannot know much about gold mines to aBk such a question." He admitted,
however, that he himself had made some £50,000 out of them. "Tnis," he
said, is not profit; it is the realisation of property."]

Take a patch of land in Africa and multiply by ten,

Ihen extraot a ton of metal from an ounce or two of sand ;

m i -a ro5eate prospectus with a magnifying pen,

Making deserts flow with honey in a rich and smiling land.

Take some crumbs of truth, and spread them with a covering of bosh,
And conceal them in a pie-crust labelled "Promises to pay " ;

Hide away all dirty linen, or remove it home to wash,
And then begin the process which the wise ones call " Convey."

Next collect a band of brothers, all inspired by one desire,
„Ll° observe the public interest, single-hearted men and true ;
Stuff with shares, and thus permit them in your kindness to acquire,
At a price, the vendor's property,—the vendor being you.

Then, since you must make a profit, call the public to your aid ;
Let them give you all their money, whioh they think they only
lend:

And of course you mustn't tell them, till the fools have safely paid,
Mines were made for sinking money, not for raising dividend.

And the clergy bring their savings, the widows bring their store,
And they push to reaoh your presence, and they jostle and they
fall,

And at last they pile their money in a heap before your door;
And, just to make them happy, you accept and keep it all.

So you make your mine by begging—(modern miners never dig),—
And yon float a gorgeous Company. The shares go spinning up ;

But you never "rig the market." (What an awkward word is

And you drain suooess in bumpers from an overflowing cup.
Then one day the thing gets shaky, and it goes from bad to worse,

And the public grasps a shadow where it tried to hold a share ;
And in vain the oountry clergy most unclerically curse,

You have " realised your property," and end a millionnaire.

COMING SEA-SCRAPE3 AT CHELSEA.
(Drawn by an Insider.)

Mr. Punch, Sir,

That the sister Service should also have its turn at Chelsea
I reckon I can understand, and the Show ought to be popular; but
if the Admiralty want to make a further ' exhibition" of them-
selves, they won't have to go very far a-field for material. Here are
one or two exhibits that come to hand at once. First, there's those big
guns which it ain't safe to fire nohow, and which, if you do load with
half a oharge, orack, bend, and get sent back to be "ringed" up,
whatever that means, and are not safe, even for a salute, ever after-
wards. Then, in another oase, they might show a foot or two of
that blessed boiler-piping whioh is always leaking, or splitting, or
bursting, just when it shouldn't.. In a third they might display a
ohop that had been cooked from lying exposed in one of those famous
stokeholes where the poor beggars of sailors are expected to pass their
time without getting roasted too. Then there might be, as a sort of
prize puzzle, a plan of these here recent manoeuvres, with the
Umpire's opinion of the whole blessed jumble tacked on to it. Then,
to enliven the proceedings. Lord George might take his turn with
the rest of the Admiralty Board, and give us, every half hour or so,
a figure or two of the Hornpipe, just to let the public see that they
have got some sort of nautical " go " about them to warrant them in
drawing their big screw. Bless you, Mr. Punch, there's lots to
make an Exhibition of at Chelsea next year if you come to calculate.
LeaBtways that's the opinion of your humble servant and admirer,

A Tax-paying Landlubber.