Punch (100.1891)

February 7, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 69

p.'....

■

THE STOPPING OR REMOVAL OF A " GRINDER.

A Sketch in the Streets.

OUR ADVERTISERS.

J^ITHONODENDRIKON, the new indestructible cloth.

material.

LIT"

blockwood and paving-stones.

L

ITHONODENDRIKON, used for gentlemen's coats, will
not only keep out rain and wind , but thunder and lightning.

L
L

ITHONODENDRIKON never breaks or bends, but only
bursts.

ITHONODENDRIKON. —A "Purchaser" writes—"I
sat down in a pair of your trousers, but could never get

up again."

LITHONODENDRIKON. — Another "Customer" says—
" The dress-coat you supplied me with fitted me well. I
could nottake it off without having recourse to a sledge-hammer."

UPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY supply the cheapest
and worst in the market.

V

PPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, hand-picked by the
Duke himself, on whose property the mines are situated.

XT PPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY, carefully selected,
K_J screened and delivered (in the dark), anywhere within a
ten-mile radius of Charing Cross at 9s. 6d. a ton, for cash on
delivery.__

UPPER HOUSE "COAL COMPANY supply a wonderful
article at the price. Throws down a heavy brown ash.
No flame, no heat. Frequently explodes, scattering the contents
of the grate over the largest room.

TTPPER HOUSE COAL COMPANY beg to refer intending
K_J purchasers to the accompanying testimonial: "Gentle-
men,—Do what I will, I cannot get your coals to light. Put
on in sufficient quantity they will extinguish any fire. I have
worn out three drawing-room pokers in my endeavours to stir
them into a flame, but all to no purpose. Steeped in petroleum,
they might possibly ignite in a double-draught furnace, though
I fancy they would put it out. They are as you advertise them,
a 'show coal for summer use.' Don't send me anv more."

CHARLIE AND SARAH.

Dear Mr. Punch,—"Why should Aristotle be tbe only author whose
works get discovered ? I found the following story, written on papyrus, and
enclosed in a copper cylinder, in my back garden, and I am positive that it is
not Aristotle. Can it possibly have been written by that amiable and in-
structive authoress whose stories for children have recently been reprinted ?

Tours, &c, Henry St. Otle.

Charlie was avery obedient little boy, and his sister Sarah was a
good, patient little girl. One beautiful summer's day they went to stay
for a week with their Uncle William, a man of very high principles,
who was not quite used to the proper method with children. Onthe even-
ing of their arrival, as they were seated in front of the fire, Charlie
lifted up his bright, obedient, beautiful face, and said, thoughtfully :

"Pray, Uncle William, cannot we have one of those instructive
and amusing conversations such as children love, about refraction,
and relativity, and initial velocity, and Mesopotamia generally ? "

"Oh, yes, Uncle William!" said Sarah, pausing to wipe her
patient little nose; " Our dear Papa-is always so pleasant and poly-
syllabic on these subjects."

Then Uncle William regretted that he had paid less attention in his
youth to the shilling scienceprimexs, but he pulled himself together and
determined to do his best. '' Certainly, my dear children, nothing could
please me more. Now here I have a jug and a glass. You will observe
that I pour some water from the jug into the glass. This illustrates
one of the properties of water. Can you tell me what I mean ? "

"Fluidity ! " said both the children, with enthusiasm.

" Yes, quite so, and—er—er—has a brick fluidity ?"

J] Why, no, Uncle William ! "

" Well—er—why hasn't it ? " asked Uncle William, with some-
thing almost like desperation in his voice.

"That, Uncle," said the obedient Charlie, " is one of the things
which we should like to learn from you to-night."

"Yes, we shall come to that; but, in order to make you under-
stand it better, I must carry my experiment a little further. In this
decanter I have what is called whiskey. I pour some of it into the
water. Now it is more usual to put the whiskey in first, and the
water afterwards. Can you tell me why that is so ? Think it out for
yourselves." And Uncle William smiled genially.

There was silence for a few moments. Then little Sarah said,

timidly : "I think it must be because, when a man wishes to drink,
whiskey is the first thing which naturally occurs to his mind. He
does not think about water until afterwards."

"Quite right. That is the explanation of the scientists. And
why do you think I put in the water first and the whiskey afterwards ?"

"It was," said Charlie, brightly, "in order that we might not
see so exactly how much whiskey you took."

"No, that's quite wrong. I did it out of sheer originality. Now
what would happen if I drank this curious mixture ? "

" You would be breaking the pledge, Uncle William," said both
children, promptly and heartily.

" Wrong again. I should be acting under doctor's orders."

" Why hasn't a brick any fluidity F " asked Sarah, patiently.

"Don't interrupt, my dear child. We're coming to that. Now,
Chablie, when you eat or drink anything, where does it go ? "

" It goes into my little-oh, no, Uncle, I cannot say that word,"

and Charlie, who was of a singularly modest and refined disposition,
buried his face in his hands, and blushed deeply.

" Admirable ! " exclaimed Uncle William. "One cannot be too
refined. Call it the blank, It goes into your blank. Well, whiskey
raises the tone of the blank. Just as, when you screw up the peg
of a violin, you raise the tone of the string. By drinking this I
raise the tone of my blank." He suited the action to the word.

"Now you'll be screwed," said Charlie, "like thepegsof the-"

" On one glass of weak whiskey-and-water—never ! "

"But why hasn't a brick any fluidity?" asked Sarah, quite
patiently.

"First of all, listen to this. That whiskey-and-water is now
inside me. I want you to understand what inside means. Go and
stand in the passage, and shut the door of this room after you."

"But, Uncle," said Sarah, patiently, " why hasn't a brick any-"

" Hush, Sarah, hush ! " said the obedient Charlie. "It is our
duty to obey Uncle William in all things."

So the two children went out of the room, and shut the door after
them. Uncle William went to the door, and locked it.

"Now then," he said, cheerily, "I am inside. And where
are you ? "

" Outside."

" Yes—and outside you'll stop. One of the servants will put you
to bed." And Uncle William went back to the decanter.