Punch (102.1892)

76

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [February 13, 1892.

spend, in some time, perhaps, a hundred pounds. With a hundred
CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. pounds, and with luck, and prudence, and cunning, he might

^ , „ n T j perhaps buy one small volume which a collector who knew his busi-

•-1HE DUi r-biK Ab tOLLLtlUK. negs wollld ^ wholly disdain. But, as it is, he has squandered his

I mat be a Duffer, but I hope I am neither an idiot nor a cad. _ I money, and has nothing to show for it but a heap of trash, of the
have never collected postage-stamps, nor outraged common humanity wrong date, without the necessary misprints in the right places,
by asking people to send me their autographs. "With these excep- ragged, short, and, 'above all, imperfect. I suppose I have the
tions I have failed as a collector of almost everything. To succeed richest collection of imperfect books m the world. One hugs one-
you need luck, and a dash of unscrupulousness, and careful attention self on one's Lticasta{yerj rare), or one's Elzevir Ccesar of the right
to details, and a sceptical habit of mind. Even as a small boy I , date, or one's first edition of Moliere, and then comes, with fiendish
used to waste my shillings at a funny little curiosity-shop, kept by glee, the regular collector, and shows you that Lucasta has not the
a nice old lady who knew no more about her wares than I did. Here portrait of Lovelace, that Ccesar has not his pagination all wrong
I acquired quite a series of old coppers, which Mrs. Somerville said (as he ought to have), that the Molieres_ are Lyons piracies, that
were ancient Bactrian. "We asked where Bactria was, and she half of Gilbert's Gentleman's Diversion is not bound up with the
replied that it was a " country beyond Cyrus." "We answered that rest, that, generally speaking, there are pages missing here and
Cyrus was not a territorial but a personal name, " A fellow, don't there all through your books, which you have never " collated,"
you know, not a place," but the n, that a ticket of Padeloup, the

old lady's information stopped ——-, i I |[j 'i binder, has been taken off some

there. I wonder where my Bactrian \ / j |j j]lr,---^Mll il broken board of a book, and stuck

Collection is now. Certainly I nppnffTP" 1 I—Tk Sw ' / / I / on to a modern imitation, and so

never sold it; indeed, I never sold \ I I If I ii^ ' \ ) / I i forth, all through the collection,

anything; not only because nobody I'l'lll'i T~IT~ lilVM// / \f You cannot sell it; nobody will

would buy, but because, after all, 1 |{j jjjj! W I m'\\ /( / take as a present this Library of a

one is a Collector, not a tradesman. LJL- ;!m' ■"■--J H> ( \ Gentleman who has given up col-

Birds'eggs I would have collected ^m^T" I I W. ' I '''l'iWS\ \ \l lecting; even Free Libraries do

if I could, but you had first to flit ti f f " jf§W%f$i ' ^ \ \ not want this kind of treasure, and

find the bird's nest (almost an ■^>t''^J^^mmM. I \ \ i it I! uk»— f^^fPlP^, so it remains, littering your shelves,

impossible quest for a born Duffer), a monument of folly. Happy are

and to blow the eggs, which, let '' ;/// ty, ^^ifJ^^m W^^^^^^^^^^^Q^^ the Duffers whose eyes are im-

me tell you, needs nicety of hand- W/^^sf?% \ m jff Wu f j i1 j " p^^^'g^^LZ'w Jt/^" / penetrably sealed, and who can go

ling. I did once find a thrush's :t/j;!/^^s^^a'^r"' / ' on Delievrn8') in spite of a modern

nest, and tried blowing an egg, ^M^railP II Ipnf^wV^^t^/ water-mark, in their sham Bursts

but it was not wholly a success, ^^^s^^^^m 111 liliii^' >i#^^%M\'E ¥i^/-L- ^ MSS. and their volumes with

and the egg (the contents of which ■■zs^g^^|^j|H|j} | r| [fcaBBS^^^3^^^ y^fifife? / autographs of all the celebrated

I accidentally absorbed) was not -=^^^4ZfrM> \\■ :!i' t,| <|^^^K^^^\X^\.rIw5 ./ characters in history. But my eyes

wholly fresh. Then it is awkward _ ---^///tfyfc1 j | ,:.| j K^^hI^^^^^^^^^^-)^^|£L are purged, and I do not think you

when you are at the top of a tall ==• • ■~r^/'"r\ I j'| • mtttrm shall find me collecting old books

tree, with an egg in your mouth, 111 111 lIHrlSlpM v^^-'~^^^lh(^:-:\.:_L- any more. Certainly I shall not

for safety, if the other boys make j yj^ia^^^^^B^i \-=\ -^-l venture into auction-rooms, com-

vou laugh, as you try to come S-^^^mMlM^W^BlSlmmK W H llMlllSllllt pete with the Trade, and get left

down. It is the egg which-but ^^^^^^Ull ! — 1 ^"MM with a book artfully run up,

enough! Everyone who has been ^^^^^p| »^fflr^ I I '!' 'If lll// thanks to my enthusiasm, to four

in that position will understand ^g^v fmpW^i^^a^jHp^^ -il — —4 IH/ij or five times its market value.

what is meant. It is not difficult M^^^^i^J8H|^^.____ _VnM As to china, what the Duffer

to collect shells on the seashore, /^m^^^^^^mw -~^^^^B' ' Ii- 7/ buys is invariably cracked, and the

but it is extremely difficult to find ||§-1^^jjjj^^^g^r:i;ii^^^^^^l W&bfr^'z-i-j£^|=/r=^~- " nmrks" on which he places con-
out what shells they are, after you || ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Sm^m ^^^^^^L^^0^^J^^Mi fidence are flagrant imitations. He
have collected them. '^^^^^^^H^flSH^^W^^^^^^^^SJ^^^ usually begins by supposing that
Conchology is no child's play. ^>^^^^^^^HBBI^^l-:>W^m^F^^^^J^^^^ Crown Derby is a priceless pos-
As to collecting marine animals for - ^'f- "v . - -/ ^^^^^^^^^kr^S^^^===^^^^^^^. session, also he has a touching
an aquarium, the trouble begins ' ' ^B^^p^p^^ff^^c^^f^^.^ faith in chipped blue and white
when you forget your acquisitions, • $E0SBp ^^^^^^'^~^=~^^^^^^^^' euPs an(l saucers, marked with a
and carry them about for some Iggsiar!. ^'^*~^EBBffl ■ K crescent. "Worcester they may be,
time in the pockets of your jacket. WfS§r ^fflSHm ' ' ^ kj^// A 3t^Jir- but not the right sort of Worcester.
That jacket is apt to be dusted by (jsISMs}J^^ njv/1— J/ AlMF^jK~~ And Crown Derby is the very

the bigger boys, who also interfere /VL~ jjjgggf ymSSsM vV ^ ^OX^^F^'^y- Aldine or Elzevir of this market.

with your affections for toads, piam V*---^You might as well collect shares

lizards, snakes and other live stock v.- ^^^0 %w> •• va-4_— in the Great Montezuma Gold

dear to youth. The common am- - _v— ~- ^^^m ^U-^S^T^--- Mine, and expect to derive benefit

bition of boyhood is to be a great jSL -=-==^^^^ > y..J^jgisi;f '" from the investment,

rabbit-grower, but, somehow, my /^^^M,, »w Gems are among the things

rabbits did not thrive. The cats ^-\^%^^^<^^^^^K^^^^^aI^^— that the Duffer may most wisely

got at them, and, in shooting at - - ,. f , —- collect, for the excellent reason

the cats with a crossbow, I had the ,< * A t v + +1 + n ,A T1, i f that, in this country, he very seldom

• p , , ■■ i ' , . " And, in shooting at the cats with a crossbow, I had tlie miaiortune • j j j c -\ tt

mistortune to break several win- ' ° to break several windows." indeed finds any tor sale. Me can-

dows, and riddle a conservatory. not come to much sorrow, for lack

The chief objects of my later ambition have been rare old books,
gems, engravings, china, and so forth. All these things, if they
are to be collected, demand that you shall have your wits about you;
and the peculiarity of the Duffer is that his wits are always wool-
gathering. A nice collection of wool they must have stored up some-
where. As to books, one invariably begins by collecting the wrong
things. In novels and essays you read of "priceless Elzevirs," and
" Aldines worth their weight in gold." Eired with hope, you hang
about all the stalls, where you find myriads of Elzevirs, dumpy,
dirty little tomes, in small illegible type, and legions of Aldines,
books quite as dirty, if not so dumpy, and equally illegible, for they
are printed in italics. You think you are in luck, invest largely,
and begin to give yourself the airs of an amateur and a discoverer.
Then comes somebody who knows about the matter in hand, and
who tells you, with all the savage joy of a collector, that nobody
wants any Elzevirs and Aldines, except a very few, and they must
be in beautiful old bindings, uncut down, or scarcely cut down by
the binder. These you may leng for, but you certainly will never
find them in the fourpenny box. The Duffer is always making the
mistake of buying small bargains, as he thinks them, and so he will

of opportunities. In Italy it is different. How many beautiful
works of Art I have acquired in Florence, at considerable ransoms, all
of them signed in neat, but illegible Greek capitals. I puzzled over
them with microscopes. The names seemed to end in ixah2. I
thought myself a rival of Blacas, or Lord Kilsyth, or the British
Museum. Then my friend, "Wilkixs, came in. "Pretty enough
pastes of the last century 1 see," he remarks. " Pastes!— last
century ! " I indignantly exclaim; "why they 're of the best period;
Sards, all of them signed, but I can't make out the artist's name."
"It is Pichler," says "Welkins, "he usually signed, for fear his
things should be sold as antiques." I had to give in about Pichleu
(which certainly does not sound very Greek); "but here,'] I said,
" you can't call this paste, you can't scratch the back of it." "I
know I can't," says "Wilkins, examining the ring, " for a very good
reason, because a thin layer of sard has been inserted behind. But
it's paste, for all that."

"Well," I say, "here's a genuine ancient ring, old gold, and a
lovely head of Prosperine in cornelian."

"Well, this is odd," says Wilkens, "I know the setting is
genuine, I have seen it before. But then it had a rubbishy late