Punch (103.1892)

84

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [August 20, 1892.

4 (

leisure of Opposition we shall probably have more of these vicarious
flashes of latent humour.

Business done.—Address moved, met with Vote of No Confidence,
submitted by Asquith in brilliant speech.

Tuesday.—Imminence of change in Ministry brings into promi-
nence and close proximity what is likely to happen in Ireland when
Home Rule is established. Irish Members of all sections on the alert.
Satjnderson in his war-paint, which assumes shape of luminous
white waistcoat. Always know, when the Colonel puts that on, he
means business. Made to-night good Derrydown speech punctuated

by howls of execration from Irish brethren
opposite. That is just what Colonel enjoys;
moved him to higher flights of oratory. His
lurid picture of Asqutth, Q..C, " sitting
on the lips of Irish volcano," extremely
effective. Irish Members cruelly and effec-
tually retorted by putting up Redmond
Junior to reply. Colonel gallantly smiled,
but it was a gashly effort. Device evidently
effective. Redmond did admirably ; nothing
could have been better than his grave re-
mark, to presumably alarmed House, that,
having for seven years sat opposite Colonel,
he was able to assure them that he was
" perfectly harmless—perfectly harmless."

Now that," said Ashbourne, in London
just now winding up his ministerial affairs,
"is the cruellest thing I ever heard said of
Sadnderson."

Later, more serious evidence of seething
condition of feeling in Ulster brought under
notice of House. Ross, Q,.C, was returned
at General Election, in place of Charles
Lewis—a character useful as a study for
young Members, showing how a man of
considerable ability, and distinct Parlia-
mentary aptitude, may prove a hopeless
failure. Ross born and brought up in
Derry; accustomed to controversial prac-
tices. Familiar from boyhood with the con-
crete form dialectics are apt to take when
Honest John Burns. indulged in beyond space of half an hour.
If they mean business," Ross said confidentially to Honest John
Burns, "they'11 find the Derry Boy in it."

So, before coming down to House, he carefully filled his trouser-
pocket with convenient-sized paving-stones. When he got up just
now, House stared with amazement at curious appearance presented
by the Orator. Ross, pleased with attention created, threw back
his coat, placed hands on hips, stiffened his legs, and made the most
of the paving-stones. Members opposite whispered, and tittered.

"Let them laugh that win," said Ross. "In case of a row. a
paving-stone in trouser-pocket is worth a Krupp's Battery in the
bush."

So it proved. Prevention better than cure. Nobody threw any-
thing at New Member for Derry, and, when he had concluded
successful Maiden Speech, went out and emptied his amazing pockets
into his locker.

" I '11 save 'em up for a rainy day, as the man said when he pawned
his landlord's umbrella," was Mr. Ross's remark as he hurried off
home, at least a quarter of a hundredweight lighter.

Business done.—More debate on Address.

Thursday.—Splendid House; full from floor to topmost tier of
seats in Strangers' Galleries. The last scene in history of Govern-
ment. All the actors on. Boxes full; Stalls full; Pit full.
Contrary to Lord Chamberlain's regulations, chairs placed in
gangways. Great rush for these, as affording novel position.
Mathers, who got front seat, says it was very nice, but not without
compensating disadvantage. "Expected every minute, you know,
the man coming round for your penny, as they do in the Parks."_

CnAMBERLAiN had first call; greatly cheered by Conservatives
when he stood before footlights. Little bit of farce to begin with.
Alpheus Cleophas rose with Joseph. Submitted as point of order
that, in moving Adjournment on Tuesday night, Joseph had
exhausted his right to speak. House howled. Just as if, Lyceum
crowded to see Irving play Charles the First, Johnnie Toole came
before Curtain and explained that, as Charles the First was indu-
bitably beheaded some hundreds of years ago, Irving would be out
of order in appearing to-night. Yery wefl done, and added some-
thing to interest of moment. But unnecessary. Joseph equal to
occasion without adventitious aid.

A fine speech, equal to the magnificent audience. Even Don't
Keir-IIardie took off his cap to listen. Joseph never better
with his quick sharp thrust, his lunging blow, and his apt tripping
up. As usual, best where speech broken in upon with rude inter-
ruption. Note the incident when launched upon his peroration,

carefully prepared and perilously adventured upon. House not pas-
sionately fond of perorations. Will suffer them only from Mr. G.
and one or two others. Chamberlain rarely rises to peroration
point. To-night a great occasion. Solemn enough even 'for perora-
tion. Rising with its swelling tide, he
came to ask " the wisest and the most
sensible among you to consider the
situation." Standing at the moment
with face turned to Liberals above
Gangway; from Irish camp behind his
back rose shouts of ironical cheers and
noisy laughter, "Boo-oo!" Cham-
berlain stopped perforce, and with
scornful gesture of thumb over his
shoulder at mob behind, said, "Yes,
to the others I do not speak; " then
went on and finished his sentence.

"A great day this, for Joseph,"
after, to Squire of Malwood.

" Ah," said The Personage, meditatively
stroking a chin made for Cabinets. " Yes,
he's very important; he reminds me of a
story I heard when I was in Scotland. There
was a funeral going on in a quiet street in
Glasgow. Among the company present was
observed a man whom nobody seemed to know,
but who was bustling about as if he were in
charge of most things. At last the under-
taker, jealous of his own position, suggested
he had better take a back seat. 4 Losh man !'
cried the Unknown, his eyes blazing with
indignation, ' I'm brither to the corpp.' Dis-
sentient Liberalism is dead; but Joe is brither
to the corpp, and we must bear with him a
little."

That's all very well; but they haven't Won't keir-IIardie,
done with Joseph yet. There may come
times of distress and famine when he will be heard of from Egypt.

Business done.—The Government's. Wound up by a majority of
40 in turbulent House of 660 Members.

OVIDIUS REMARK.

{From a confirmed Tea-Drinker, who, suffering from Gout, has been
forbidden his favourite beverage.)

Dear Toper,—Alas, no more of "The generous" for some time
to come, and, what afflicts me most is, I am cut off from my Tea!
"What, no soap! So he died." Substitute "Tea" for "Soap,"

ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

Ovid quite at Tomi. Tomi not quite at Tomi at Ovid,

and there I am. My boy Tommy, who is at home for the holidays,
reminds me of what Ovid said at Tomi, not to Tommy, as they were
not contemporaries. " Nee tecum vivere possmn, nee sine te." For
" te " read tea," and that's my case to a T. Qarrs^OvTis.
Goughty Street, Old Portman Square.

Lady Gay's Selections.—Dear Mr. Punch,—Now for another
glance at Racing. Next week we have meetings at Stockton and
Wolverhampton, and the most important race is the Stockton Handi-
cap, for which I will append my usual poetic selection :—
Stockton Handicap Selection.

. difficult river to cross, T am
told, [Styx;

Is the one that is known as the

But, if rider and horseman be
equally bold, [Pyx "
You can do it by aid of 4' The

This will rejoice the hearts of my followers, who have been " selec-
tionless " for some weeks, and have therefore been unable to bet,
unless they have accepted the absolutely unreliable information
given by all the other sporting writers, but never by, yours truly,
Nash Hotel, Bournemouth. Lady Gay.

{£§r NOTICE.—Eejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
ifi no oaue bo returned, not oven when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
there will be no exception.