Punch (103.1892)

September 3, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

101

the Season that she said. That shows she must be really in it. And! Mrs. Ard. {producing Society Snippets). I expect it will be
a note about Lady Neuraline being about to recruit at Homburg. ' this. (Mrs. Allbutt's face reveals her ownership.) I took it up,
And another about her reputation for eccentricity, and her " sweet- not knowing it was yours. {Meaningly.) It has some highly
ness to the select few privileged to be her intimates." And here's j interesting information, I see.

all about Lord Mango, and what a pleasant house Capsicums is, and, Mrs. All. {slightly demoralised). Oh, has it ? I—I've not had
his marriage, and the Duke of Dragnet's too. Her information was time to glance at it yet. Pray don't let me deprive you of it. I
very correct, I must say! {A light begins to break in upon her.) _ I dare say there 's very little in it I don't know already.

wonder whether- but there—people of her sort wouldn't require Mrs. Ard. So I should have thought. (To herself, after Mrs.

to read the papers for such things. Allbutt has retired in disorder.) Fancy that woman trying to take

[Here the door opens, and Mrs. Allbutt appears, in some em- me in like that, and no more in Society than I am—if so much!
barrassment. j However, I've found her out before going too far—luckily. And

Mrs. All. [scrutinising the tables). Oh, it's nothing. I thought I'd I've a good mind to take in this Society Snippets myself—it cer-
left something of mine here ; it was only a paper—I see I was mis- tainly does improve one's conversation. She won't have it all her
taken, don't trouble. I own way next time !

POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.

No. IX.—"IN THE MORNING."

The Music-hall Muse, if not exactly im-
peccably moral, is, at least, good at moralis-
ing. Not only to topers, Totties; larky Bene-
dicts and spreeish servant-maids, is there
pregnant meaning in the warning words
'' But oh! what a difference in the mor-
ning !!! " As may thus — pace " Norton
Atkins" and "Felix McGlennon" — be
made manifest:—

Air—" In the Morning! "
I 'd sing of the singular triumphs we see,

At night, at night!
In Politics, Pleasure, Love, Art, L. S. D.,

At night, at night!
The "Johnnies" of Sport and the "Oof-
birds " of Cash,
The Statesmen who shine, and the Beauties
who mash,

Are in champagny spirits and cut quite a
dash,

At night, at night!
But oh ! don't their hearts ache,

In the morning ?
Then cometh disillusion and self-scorning.
Things look their natural size
Unto hot awaking eyes,
For no gingerbread is gilded,

In the morning!

A Premier potent may perorate free,
At night, at night!

And pretty Primrosers will shout and agree,
At night, at night!

He '11 say those brave Orangemen Home Rule
will quash,

He '11 hint that raised Tariffs trade rivals

must smash,
And his eloquence sounds neither rabid nor

rash,

At night, at night!
But oh ! what a difference

In the morning!
He vows he merely meant a friendly warning,
But fuss and fad 'twill boom,
And his colleagues growl with gloom
O'er the " Times " upon their tables,
In the morning!

Observe what the Specials call "News of the
Day"

At night, at night!
The Dalziel Telegrams startle, and slay,

At night, at night!
There's war in the East, or the Czar is laid
low,

Financiers have failed—Fifty Millions or
so!—

Or they've found Jack the Ripper in far

Jericho, At night, at night!
But oh, what a difference

In the morning!
Those Latest "Wires were lies, small facts
adorning.
" It is not as we stated,
For the cable's mutilated,"
And " we hear 'tis contradicted "
In the morning!

Regard the young Clerk who's been out for
the day, At night, at night!

First to the Derby, and then to the play,
At night, at night I

He " spotted a winner " at twenty to one,

His winnings will far more than pay for his
fun;

He's happy, free-handed, and "sure as a

gun," At night, at night!
But oh, what a difference

In the morning!

" lie curses speculation in the morning! "

The bookie bolts, his "gaffer" gives him
He's not worth half-a-dollar, [warning,
His prospect's " out of collar,"

And he curses speculation

In the morning!

Behold the young 'playwright who hears his
own piece,

At night, at night!
He thinks that (ironic) applause will ne'er

cease, At night, at night!
His "little one-act thing" is stodgy and
slow, [a glow,

But the Pit is good-natured, the youth's in
And he thinks—with some "cuts"—it will
be " a great go,"

At night, at night!

But oh, what a difference

In the morning!
The critics call the thing'' an awful warning,"
They " guy," and sneer, and scoff,
And his bantling's taken off,
" To make room for some old farce, Sir ! "
In the morning1!

TAKING THE OAT-CAKE.

Dear Mr. Punch,—I was very much inte-
rested in the statement I saw in the papers
the other day, that the best preservatives of
a Lady's complexion are — Oatmeal and
Oranges! I at once began the diet, but have
not succeeded very well at present. Porridge,
even with milk and cream, and plenty of
sugar, is such commonplace stuff, and one
can't really be expected to eat oatmeal raw,
though Scotch gamekeepers are said to do so.
But then they are out in the open air all day,
and I am not. Oranges are nice enough—
but oh, Mr. Punch, what a lot of them one
has to take before one feels as if one had had
a meal! As I have stopped all other food, I
am becoming rather weak. My complexion
is, I think, improved—at all events, it is far
less red or pink than it used to be—but I
really haven't the strength to go out of doors
to show it off. Even writing is a burden—so
I will close, hoping that my experiences may
benefit others who like to try the regimen.

Ltdia Languish.

P.S.—My Doctor has just stopped the diet!

Dear Sir,—We are sure that the Oatmeal-
and-Orange prescription is an invaluable one
for the complexion, We recently tried it on
a Street Arab, and after one or two doses
—accompanied by the employment of soap
and water—he developed such a beautiful
pink-and-white skin, that his parents failed
to recognise him. This was unfortunate in
one way, as he has now beeome chargeable
on the'rates. Talking of rates, we may men-
tion that we supply finest Midlothian Campaign
Oatmeal at a more reasonable figure than any
other firm in the trade. Price-list on appli-
cation. Yours obediently,

Edinburgh. McCannt & Co.

Sir,—I am not less than fifty years' old,
and marked with small-pox, and therefore I
think that Oatmeal and Oranges would be
sure to do my complexion good. As mine is
perhaps a rather unusual case, I am trying
the remedy in a peculiarly thorough way._ I
have an Oatmeal-bath twice a day, during
which I suck six oranges. My breakfast
consists of porridge and marmalade. I have
engaged a policeman to_ knock at my front
door three times every night, to wake me. I
then sit up in bed and consume oat-cakes
soaked in orange-juice. I also dress in
yellow, and I have written to Belfast to ask
if I can be admitted to an Orange Society
there, but hitherto I have received no reply.
You will, I think, agree with _ me that I am
giving the new treatment a fair trial.

Yours truly,

Tabitha Nupkins.