Punch (103.1892)

October 22, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

189

THE GREAT UNKNOWN.

[The Eev. Dr. Smyth e
Palmer, of Trinity College,
Dublin, has just compiled a
Eook of Extracts, entitled The
Ferfeet Gentleman.]

A Gentleman must be
liberal, not to say lavish,
to servants, porters, game-
keepers, and others, or he
is " no gent." At the same
time the Perfect Gentleman
is never extravagant.

He must not work. At
the same time he must not
be an idler.

He is known by his
scrupulous attention to the
minutiae of personal ap-
pearance, while " despising
all outside show."

The Perfect Gentleman
"never wilfully, hurts
anybody." No soldier,
doctor, or schoolmaster
can, therefore, ever be a
P. G. m

He is always perfectly
open and frank. He is
also sufficiently artful to
conceal the fact that he
considers the person he is
talking to a mixture of a
snob and a blockhead.

When his favourite corn
is trodden on by a weighty
stranger, he never utters
any expression stronger
than "Dear me ! "

He never loses his
temper.

He must know how to
treat everyone according to
their rank and situation in
life, but show special cour-
tesy to those who are his
inferiors.

He must be well-born,
although there are plenty
of "Nature's Gentlemen"
in the ranks of day-
labourers.

HIS BEST "SOOT,"

Short-tempered Gentleman in Black (after violent collision %oith a Stonemason fresh
from work). "Now, I'll arsk you jest to look at the narsty beastly
Mess as you" 've gone and mide me in ! Why, I'm simply smothered in
some 'orrid "White Stuff ! ! Why don't yer be more careful ! ! I"

He must be sufficiently
wealthy to keep up a good
position, while recognising
the fact that money has
nothing to do with true
gentility.

He should also try and
remember that no such
jumble of contradictions as
the Perfect Gentleman ever
existed.

Epigrammatically Put.
—An Asylums Board Man-
ager wrote to the Times to
complain of Mr. Littler,
M.P., Q,. C.'s charges against
the Asylums and Fever
Hospitals management.
" Which is right, or which
is wrong," to paraphrase
Mr. Mantalini's words, is
no business just now of
ours, but the writer of the
reply to the attack, might
have summed up by saying
'' that to him,Mx. Littler,
whatever his Christian
names might be, appeared
as a Be-Littler.r

" Mr. Gladstone on
Rents ln Wales."—What
the Right Honble. Mr. G.
omitted to say, when speak-
ing on this subject, was
that " but a comparatively
small rent in Wales would
be produced by Disesta-
blishment, whenever that
event should happen, and
that this would soon be
mended."

Temperance Riddle.—
Why is a man who is
thoroughly good-natured
and ever ready to oblige,
likely to end as a con-
firmed drunkard ? Because
he is always willing.

A USEFUL EXPERIENCE.

I awoke at one in the morning,

I had been two hours in bed,
When—bang!—without any warning

A joke came into my head.
'Twas brilliant, awfully funny,

It flashed through my drowsy brain,
It was worth—oh, a lot of money!—

I chuckled again and again.

I thought how I might employ it,

I laughed till the tears rolled down,
Foreseeing how Smith would enjoy it,

And how it would tickle Brown.
I said, '' I had best but hint it

To them, or they might purloin
This wonderful jest, then print it,

And between them divide the coin."

Late in the morn I awoke,—I

Puzzled with all my might
In vain to recall the joke I

Made in the silent night.
What was it about ? No dreamer

Am I! No—I think—I frown—
When next I make a screamer

In bed—I will write it down.

By the side of the bed a taper
Shall ever with matches be,

A pencil and piece of paper,
To note what occurs to me.

Since then I have tried, but the late joke,
As seen in my bedside scrawl,

Is always so poor,—that the great joke,
I'm sure, was no joke at all!

YES OR, NO ?

["The hand-writing of well-educated Ladies is
often disgracefully illegible."—A Ladies' Journal.]

Oh, never did lover in fable

In such a predicament stand,
A letter I wrote to my Mabel,

To ask for her heart and her hand,
With compliments worded so nicely,

A lifelong devotion I swore ;
She's answered—and left me precisely
As wise as before !

It is true that I begged, when inditing
My note, a reply with all speed,

And Mabel, to judge from the writing,
Fulfilled my petition indeed!

The drift of this scrawl, so erratic,
I am wholly unable to guess—

It may be refusal emphatic,

Or can it be "Yes"?

" Affection " she '11 feel for me " ever,"
But stay—if that blot is an " n "

It turns it at once into " never,"
Or is it a slip of the pen P

Her heart will a "truant (or true ?) be,"

And what is the word just above ?
It looks bike—it cannot be—" booby " !
Perhaps it is "love."

A meeting must needs be awaited
To render these mysteries plain ;

Perhaps in this letter she's stated
She never will see me again;

On one thing at least I've decided;—
Should she be my partner for life,

A type-writer shall be provided
For the use of my wife !

The German and Horse-trying Ride.

[" Most of the horses were standing, but prop-
ping themselves up against a wall or a post."—
Standard, Wednesday, October Vlth.]

Pity the sorrows of a worn-out horse,
Whose trembling limbs support him 'gainst
a wall;

Who asks you,—fearing future trials worse—
To kill him with a sudden sbot,—that's all.

A Correspondent signing "Innocentia
Docet," wants to know if " the Hub of the
Universe" is an official appointment that
can only be held by a Mahommedan or a
Mormon ?