DOI Heft:
December 3, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17694#0258
December 3, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 253
THE MAN WHO WOULD.
III.—THE MAN WHO WOULD GET ON.
I dreamed," said the Scotch Professor, "that I was struggling'
for dear life with a monstrous reptile, whose scaly coils wound about
my body, while the extremity of his own was lost in the distance.
At last I managed to shake myself free, and setting my foot on his
neck, I was preparing to cut his throat, when the animal looked up
at me with an appealing expression, and said, ' At least you might
give me a testimonial!' "
This professional nightmare (for the labours of a Scotch instructor
consist, to a great extent, in writing testimonials, or in evading re-
quests for them), suggested to one of bis audience the history of
Saunders McGregor, tbe Man who would Get on. In boyhood,
Saunders obtained an exhibition, or bursary, to the University of
St. Mungo's. This success implied no high degree of scholarship, for
the benefice was only open to persons of the surname of McGregor,
and the Christian-name of Saunders. The provident parents of our
hero, having accidentally become aware of this circumstance, had their
offspring christened Saunders, and thus secured, from the very first,
an opening1 for the young man.
At St. Mungo's, Saunders was mainly notable for a generous view
matical Class from Professor McGlashan of St. Mungo's. But
Saunders was not daunted. He would write to one notable, inform-
ing him that his grandmother had been at a parish school with the
notable's great uncle—on which ground of acquaintanceship he
would ask that the notable should at once get him a post as Secre-
tary of a Geological Society, or as Inspector of Manufactories, or of
Salmon Fisheries, or to a Commission on the Trade of Knife -
grinding.
Another notable he would tell that he had once been pointed out
to him in a railway station, therefore he was emboldened to ask
his correspondent to ask his Publisher, to get at the Editor of the
Times, and recommend him, Saunders, as Musical Critic, or Sub-
editor, or Society Reporter. Nor did Saunders neglect Professor-
ships, and vacant Chairs, His testimonials went in for all of them.
He was equally ready and qualified to be Professor of Greek, Meta-
physics, Etruscan, Chemistry, or the Use of the Globes, while
Biblical criticism and Natural Religion, prompted his wildest
yearnings. Though ignorant of foreign languages, he was prepared
to be a correspondent anywhere, and though he was purely unlearned
in all matters, he proposed to edit Dictionaries and Encyclopaedias,
of course with the assistance of a large and competent staff. His
proofs of capacity for a series of occupations that would have
of life, which enabled staggered a Crichton,
him to look on the goods c^P\ was always attested by
of others as practically ^W^W^ n^8 College-testimo-
common among Chris- __ rss^mfom nials, for Saunders was
tians. A pipe of his own °^ °pini°n that the cour-
he somehow possessed, ^^^--z—— teous obiter dictum of a
but tobacco and lights '^^^^pv^?^5 Professor was an Open
he invariably borrowed, jPk ^^^-^^ -^^fe,^^^^^. ^esame *° a^ ^ae g°laen
stamps, railway fares, i^^S - ^^^^^^^^^^^ Meanwhile, he supported
books, caps, gowns, and *J!$8MmWMlim^^^^^^^^^ -^s^^^^^^yP^S^ existence by teaching the
similar trifles ; while his /^^^^^^^iWii ll^^iP^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^?^^-^.-^^''^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^S^^^v^^i elements of the classic
nature was so social, that j^S^^^^luli^^ ^^^^^^m^H^^^ t>^3fil§^^^ languages, with which
he invariably _ dropped ilPllililWmlk--^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ tiw ^e ^e most distant
in to supper with one or ffl~^^llll! i^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^'^^' 1|| acquaintance, to little
The accident of being jsSj till ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^m^^^^^^^^^M^^^^i one °^ these pupil8
left alone for a few mo- JS^v- m^^^^^^k^-y-y^^^^^^^^j^- came home, one after-
ments in the study of our 7 / —' '''^^S^^W^S^^Smi noon, in tears, having
Examiner, where Saun- /' ' '^'y been beaten on the palms
himself of a set of exam- ^ X thern strap, in addition
ination-papers, enabled '////JgiS to the task of writing out
him to take his degree fSill^ the ver^ tvtttw. This
with an ease and bril- \l|fllt|A fflS/fi //If^^^^^^^^^^^^v v/~h^W^MWWA ilSS* punishment was inflicted
liance which very con- —- Mil /J^^^^^^^^^^3^^^^^s£^^^^^^^'^^^^j^ ^ --:- ^)ecailsei XVL accordance
siderably astonished his SIS it 1^^^ISffi T/ fH ^ ll mL y^^^ with Saunders's instruc-
instructors. By adroitly n| lj' r^^^^^^^^^^==^^^^S^^'^^^^:ra tions, he had represented
using this good fortune, < I'M ll^^ft ^^>:^^^^^^^fer^^P:^^^^'® ^ the Cyclops of Euripides
Saunders accumulated __- ? Ij J ^ ^"^^^^^^^^^8Stly ^^fflfri as_ "sweeping the stars
he regarded as the main- "^^^^^^^^M Z^^^^^^^^m^/ W/ lllfltk B^an Poet ao not bear
spring of success in life. ISt^*** ^^^^^^^^^^m^l^mm^ ^s remarkable con-
He had early discovered ^SP^ ^^^^^^^^^^m struction, so Saunders
in himself a singular wag dismissed from the
capacity for drawing only work which he
salaries, and as he had unbounded conceit and unqualified ignorance,
he conceived himself to be fit for any post in life to which a salary
is attached. He had also really great gifts as a crampon, or hanger-
on, and neglected no opportunity, while he made many, of securing
useful acquaintances. Thus it was the custom of his college to
elect, at stated periods, a man of eminence as Rector. Saunders
at once constituted himself secretary of a committee, and, without
consulting his associates, wrote invitations to eminent politicians,
poets, painters, actors, editors, clergymen, and other people much in
the public eye. In these effusions he poured forth the innocent
enthusiasm of his heart, expressing an admiration which might
seem excessive to all but its objects. They, with the guilelessness of
mature age and conscious merit, were touched by Saunders's
expressions of esteem, which they set down to hero-worship, and a
fervent study of Mr. Carlyle's works. Only one of the persons
addressed, unluckily, could be elected; but Saunders added, their
responses to his pile of testimonials, and frequently gave them good
epistolary reason to remember his existence and his devotion.
His earliest object was to become secretary to somebody or some-
thing, the Prime Minister, the Minister for Foreign Affairs, the
Society for the Protection of Aborigines, or Ancient Monuments, or
even as Secretary to the Carlton Club, Saunders felt he could do his
talents justice in any of these positions. If anything was to be had,
Saunders was the boy to ask for it; nay more, to ask other people to
ask. Private Secretaryships to Ministers, or societies, or great
Clubs, are not invariably given to the first applicant who comes
along, even if he appeals to testimonials in the Junior Mathe-
had ever made even a pretence of doing. He has_ not the
energy, nor the lungs necessary for the profession of an agitator ; he
has not the grammar required in a penny-a-liner, he cannot cut
hair, and his manners unfit him for the occupation of a shop-assist-
ant, so that little is left open to Saunders but the industry of the
Blackmailer. The office of Secretary to a Missionary in a Leper
settlement, on an island of Tierra Del Fuego, is, however, vacant;
and, if the many important personages with whom Saunders has
corresponded will only make a united effort, it is possible that the
Man who would Get on may at last be got off, and relieve society
from the burden of his solicitations. May the comparative failure
in life of Saunders McGregor act as a warning to those who
think that they shall be heard, by men, for their much asking !
P.S.—This does not apply to women. We have just been informed
that Mr. Saunders McGregor, M.A., is about to lead to the altar
the only and orphan daughter of the late Alister McFungus, Esq.,
of Castle Fungus, Dreepdaily, N.B., the eminent introducer of
remarkably improved processes in the manufacture of Heel-ball,
"One Down, t'other Come on!"—Mr. Horace Sedger has a
Prima Donna supply always on tap. 'After two of them have retired
from the principal part in Incognita, the lively Miss Aida Jenoure
—(" ' Aid 'em Jenoure,' she ought to be called," quoth Mr. Wagg-
stafe)—comes to the rescue, and " on we goes again " with an excel-
lent danseuse, too, thoroughly in earnest, as her name implies, which
sounds like Miss Sin-cere and is written Miss St. Cyr.
vol. cm.
z
THE MAN WHO WOULD.
III.—THE MAN WHO WOULD GET ON.
I dreamed," said the Scotch Professor, "that I was struggling'
for dear life with a monstrous reptile, whose scaly coils wound about
my body, while the extremity of his own was lost in the distance.
At last I managed to shake myself free, and setting my foot on his
neck, I was preparing to cut his throat, when the animal looked up
at me with an appealing expression, and said, ' At least you might
give me a testimonial!' "
This professional nightmare (for the labours of a Scotch instructor
consist, to a great extent, in writing testimonials, or in evading re-
quests for them), suggested to one of bis audience the history of
Saunders McGregor, tbe Man who would Get on. In boyhood,
Saunders obtained an exhibition, or bursary, to the University of
St. Mungo's. This success implied no high degree of scholarship, for
the benefice was only open to persons of the surname of McGregor,
and the Christian-name of Saunders. The provident parents of our
hero, having accidentally become aware of this circumstance, had their
offspring christened Saunders, and thus secured, from the very first,
an opening1 for the young man.
At St. Mungo's, Saunders was mainly notable for a generous view
matical Class from Professor McGlashan of St. Mungo's. But
Saunders was not daunted. He would write to one notable, inform-
ing him that his grandmother had been at a parish school with the
notable's great uncle—on which ground of acquaintanceship he
would ask that the notable should at once get him a post as Secre-
tary of a Geological Society, or as Inspector of Manufactories, or of
Salmon Fisheries, or to a Commission on the Trade of Knife -
grinding.
Another notable he would tell that he had once been pointed out
to him in a railway station, therefore he was emboldened to ask
his correspondent to ask his Publisher, to get at the Editor of the
Times, and recommend him, Saunders, as Musical Critic, or Sub-
editor, or Society Reporter. Nor did Saunders neglect Professor-
ships, and vacant Chairs, His testimonials went in for all of them.
He was equally ready and qualified to be Professor of Greek, Meta-
physics, Etruscan, Chemistry, or the Use of the Globes, while
Biblical criticism and Natural Religion, prompted his wildest
yearnings. Though ignorant of foreign languages, he was prepared
to be a correspondent anywhere, and though he was purely unlearned
in all matters, he proposed to edit Dictionaries and Encyclopaedias,
of course with the assistance of a large and competent staff. His
proofs of capacity for a series of occupations that would have
of life, which enabled staggered a Crichton,
him to look on the goods c^P\ was always attested by
of others as practically ^W^W^ n^8 College-testimo-
common among Chris- __ rss^mfom nials, for Saunders was
tians. A pipe of his own °^ °pini°n that the cour-
he somehow possessed, ^^^--z—— teous obiter dictum of a
but tobacco and lights '^^^^pv^?^5 Professor was an Open
he invariably borrowed, jPk ^^^-^^ -^^fe,^^^^^. ^esame *° a^ ^ae g°laen
stamps, railway fares, i^^S - ^^^^^^^^^^^ Meanwhile, he supported
books, caps, gowns, and *J!$8MmWMlim^^^^^^^^^ -^s^^^^^^yP^S^ existence by teaching the
similar trifles ; while his /^^^^^^^iWii ll^^iP^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^?^^-^.-^^''^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^S^^^v^^i elements of the classic
nature was so social, that j^S^^^^luli^^ ^^^^^^m^H^^^ t>^3fil§^^^ languages, with which
he invariably _ dropped ilPllililWmlk--^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ tiw ^e ^e most distant
in to supper with one or ffl~^^llll! i^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^'^^' 1|| acquaintance, to little
The accident of being jsSj till ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^m^^^^^^^^^M^^^^i one °^ these pupil8
left alone for a few mo- JS^v- m^^^^^^k^-y-y^^^^^^^^j^- came home, one after-
ments in the study of our 7 / —' '''^^S^^W^S^^Smi noon, in tears, having
Examiner, where Saun- /' ' '^'y been beaten on the palms
himself of a set of exam- ^ X thern strap, in addition
ination-papers, enabled '////JgiS to the task of writing out
him to take his degree fSill^ the ver^ tvtttw. This
with an ease and bril- \l|fllt|A fflS/fi //If^^^^^^^^^^^^v v/~h^W^MWWA ilSS* punishment was inflicted
liance which very con- —- Mil /J^^^^^^^^^^3^^^^^s£^^^^^^^'^^^^j^ ^ --:- ^)ecailsei XVL accordance
siderably astonished his SIS it 1^^^ISffi T/ fH ^ ll mL y^^^ with Saunders's instruc-
instructors. By adroitly n| lj' r^^^^^^^^^^==^^^^S^^'^^^^:ra tions, he had represented
using this good fortune, < I'M ll^^ft ^^>:^^^^^^^fer^^P:^^^^'® ^ the Cyclops of Euripides
Saunders accumulated __- ? Ij J ^ ^"^^^^^^^^^8Stly ^^fflfri as_ "sweeping the stars
he regarded as the main- "^^^^^^^^M Z^^^^^^^^m^/ W/ lllfltk B^an Poet ao not bear
spring of success in life. ISt^*** ^^^^^^^^^^m^l^mm^ ^s remarkable con-
He had early discovered ^SP^ ^^^^^^^^^^m struction, so Saunders
in himself a singular wag dismissed from the
capacity for drawing only work which he
salaries, and as he had unbounded conceit and unqualified ignorance,
he conceived himself to be fit for any post in life to which a salary
is attached. He had also really great gifts as a crampon, or hanger-
on, and neglected no opportunity, while he made many, of securing
useful acquaintances. Thus it was the custom of his college to
elect, at stated periods, a man of eminence as Rector. Saunders
at once constituted himself secretary of a committee, and, without
consulting his associates, wrote invitations to eminent politicians,
poets, painters, actors, editors, clergymen, and other people much in
the public eye. In these effusions he poured forth the innocent
enthusiasm of his heart, expressing an admiration which might
seem excessive to all but its objects. They, with the guilelessness of
mature age and conscious merit, were touched by Saunders's
expressions of esteem, which they set down to hero-worship, and a
fervent study of Mr. Carlyle's works. Only one of the persons
addressed, unluckily, could be elected; but Saunders added, their
responses to his pile of testimonials, and frequently gave them good
epistolary reason to remember his existence and his devotion.
His earliest object was to become secretary to somebody or some-
thing, the Prime Minister, the Minister for Foreign Affairs, the
Society for the Protection of Aborigines, or Ancient Monuments, or
even as Secretary to the Carlton Club, Saunders felt he could do his
talents justice in any of these positions. If anything was to be had,
Saunders was the boy to ask for it; nay more, to ask other people to
ask. Private Secretaryships to Ministers, or societies, or great
Clubs, are not invariably given to the first applicant who comes
along, even if he appeals to testimonials in the Junior Mathe-
had ever made even a pretence of doing. He has_ not the
energy, nor the lungs necessary for the profession of an agitator ; he
has not the grammar required in a penny-a-liner, he cannot cut
hair, and his manners unfit him for the occupation of a shop-assist-
ant, so that little is left open to Saunders but the industry of the
Blackmailer. The office of Secretary to a Missionary in a Leper
settlement, on an island of Tierra Del Fuego, is, however, vacant;
and, if the many important personages with whom Saunders has
corresponded will only make a united effort, it is possible that the
Man who would Get on may at last be got off, and relieve society
from the burden of his solicitations. May the comparative failure
in life of Saunders McGregor act as a warning to those who
think that they shall be heard, by men, for their much asking !
P.S.—This does not apply to women. We have just been informed
that Mr. Saunders McGregor, M.A., is about to lead to the altar
the only and orphan daughter of the late Alister McFungus, Esq.,
of Castle Fungus, Dreepdaily, N.B., the eminent introducer of
remarkably improved processes in the manufacture of Heel-ball,
"One Down, t'other Come on!"—Mr. Horace Sedger has a
Prima Donna supply always on tap. 'After two of them have retired
from the principal part in Incognita, the lively Miss Aida Jenoure
—(" ' Aid 'em Jenoure,' she ought to be called," quoth Mr. Wagg-
stafe)—comes to the rescue, and " on we goes again " with an excel-
lent danseuse, too, thoroughly in earnest, as her name implies, which
sounds like Miss Sin-cere and is written Miss St. Cyr.
vol. cm.
z