Punch (103.1892)

292

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 24, 1892.

THE LAST WORD.

[A Domestic Drama of the Day before Yesterday.)

Scene.—The Breakfast Room at Linoleum Lodge, the suhurban
residence of Samuel Stodgeford, Esq. Mr. and Mrs. Stodge-
ford, their son Parmenas, and daughters Pompilia and Pris-
cilla, discovered at breakfast.

Mr. Stodgeford. We shall probably get it by the second post, and
though the delay is—ah—to some extent, annoying, we must not
allow ourselves to be unduly impatient. Personally, I regard these
—ah—weekly competitions as chiefly valuable in _ providing an
innocent form of domestic recreation, and an interesting example of
the—ah—value of words.

Parmenas S. The value of one word, I should say, Father. Last
week, as there were very few who guessed right, it amounted to a
considerable sum.

Mr. S. That is a stimulant to ingenuity, no doubt, with some
minds, but let us put that aside. "We feel some natural curiosity

Robert. Please, Sir, it's on'y just come, Sir.

Mr. S. [snatching the paper from him, and tearing it open ; the
other members of the family crowd round excitedly). Now we shall
see! Where 's the place ? Confound the thing I Why can't they

print the result in a- [His face falls.) What are you waiting

for, Sir ? Leave the room !

[To Robert, who has lingered about the sideboard.
Robert. Beg pardon, Sir, but would you mind reading out the

Word—'cause I'm-

The Family. Read the Word, Papa, do!

Mr. 8. [keeping the Journal). All in good time. [Addressing
Robert.)_ Am I to understand, Sir, that you have actually had the
presumption to engage in this competition ?—an uneducated young
rascal like you I

Robert. I didn't mean no harm, Sir, I sent in nothink—it was
on'y a lark, Sir !

The Family [dancing with suspense). Oh, never mind Robert now,
Father—do read out the Word!

Mr. 8. [ignoring their anxiety). If you sent in nothing, Sir, so
to know whether we have selected the missing £§§S$n much the better. But, in case you should be

adjective, and I see no reason myself to doubt M&^pfjgk tempted to such a piece of infatuation in

that our united efforts will this time be JSfcr^ s future, let me tell you this by way of—ah—

crowned with success. > _ |fp| |£ yki warning. I and my family, have, with

Pompilia. It is almost impossible that it ^CjCn /£/ every advantage that superior education and

won't be one of the two hundred and fifty f sW abilities can bestow, sent in, after prolonged

we sent in. _ \*ji&L w ^) an<^ care^^ deliberation, no less than two

Parmenas. I drew up a list of synonyms ^^m^^^??^^ ill hundred and fifty separate solutions, and not

which, I flatter myself, was practically ex- m a sin§'le one °% these solutions, Sir, proves to

haustive. _ _ /m^^S^^^^^^^^^^K ^e ^e correc^one ■

Priscilla. I dreamt I heard a voice saying Mf^^^SK^^^^^^^^^^^ Jte0%tf Family [collapsing on the nearest

quite clearly in my ear, "Nonsensical! non- Jmm^^^Su^^^^^SI^^^^^^^ "hairs). Oh, it can't be true—one of them
sensical!"—like that—so I sent it in the ffm^^^^k^^^^mT^^^^^^^^ must be right!

first thing next morning. _ _ immn T^^^^^^^^^M Mr. 8. Unfortunately, they are not. I

Mr. 8. These—ah—supernatural monitions W^Mm ^^^mS^^^^^k w^ rea<^ ^ou sentencc as completed,

are not vouchsafed to us without a purpose. HKbPS^^^M [Heads.) " Should such a contingency happen,

It may be " nonsensical." _ Bimf\ W^S^^^^^^ number of these feathered songsters

Mrs. S. The only two words I could think SmW included in the catastrophe would, in all probability,
of were, " absurd " and "idiotic," and I'm WiM M^^mllwmWwK s^mPlF—nought f" Now I venture to assert
afraid they haven't much chance. WiX ^m^^m'Mw4//M\ ^ ^ nothing short of—ah—absolute genius could pos-
Mr. S. I wouldn't say that, Sophronia. m7^-x w^^m'^rMMm sibly- (To Robert.) What do you mean by inter-

It is not always the most appropriate epithet ?§.' fCi ^mfm^^^^Mw/ rupting me. Sir ?

that—let me run over the paragraph again <?k\\ ^MM^^tEM^W/ Robert. Please, Sir, J said nothink, Sir!

—where is last week's paper ? Ah, I have it. ^^Kfuj^mmM^^mw, Pompilia. Oh, what does it matter? Give me the

[lie procures it and reads with unction.) vS§f^^L^^Wm/ paper, Papa. [She snatches it.) Oh, listen to this:—■

"The lark, as has been frequently observed fMr^mSa^m^^l) "The number of solutions sent in was five hundred

by the poets, is in the habit of ascending to ^mnW^^^mM/ thousand, which means that twenty-five thousand

high altitudes in the exercise of his vocal ^MwMm^^^'/// pounds remain for division. The only competitor who

functions. Scientific meteorologists, it is wffWrJwn gave the correct solution was Mr. Robert Conxling,

true, do not consider that there is any im- WmwM ¥Bnwi °* Linoleum Lodge, Camberwell . . ." Oh! Why,

mediate danger of a descent of the sky, but twWw/' IM^A. that's you, Robert!

many bird-catchers of experience are of ImMfi tSwW\ Robert. Yes, Miss, I told you I said "Nothink,"

opinion that, should such a contingency Wm&wA tfllw Miss. I'm sure if J'd thought-

happen, the number of these feathered song- Wm&S ^m/vJk 1 (ffasP^na)- Twenty-five thousand pounds!

sters included in the catastrophe would, m mmm// wwm 1t!w ^» i^0BE]RT> * trust you will not forget that this

all probability, be simply-" It might be wMliM Wf/jW/ J v Piece °^—^—unmerited good fortune was acquired

"idiotic," of course, but I fancy " incal- wi/WiA wmm^ v ^y ^ou un(ler this humble roof. Shake hands, my

culable" or "appalling" would be nearer wW'Wm W^yT\ ^oy!

the mark. W'/'Wm wimmtti Pompilia. Wait, Papa—don't shake hands till I've

Parmenas. Too obvious, I should say. done—[continuing)—"Mr. Conxling, however, having

you had adopted a few more of the words I - r^^^^^^/l^^^^^^^^K elected to disregard our conditions, requiring the
got from Rogers Thesaurus, we should have «pp^ solution to be written out in full, and to express the

been safer. Sending in a word like " disgust- "a!** ^skp word Nought" by a cipher, we cannot consider him

ing " was sheer waste of one-and-twopence ! "1 sold mJ Chansjt to the Butcher-boy !" legally entitled to the prize-"

And as for Pompilia, with her synonyms to "sensational," and Mr. S. How dare you use my private address for your illiterate
Priscilla, with her rubbishy superstition, depend upon it, they 're attempts, Sir ?

no good ! _ | Prise, [seizing the paper). Why don't you read it all?-"We

Pompilia. You think you know so much, because you've |been are prepared, nevertheless, to waive this informality, and a

to London University—but we've been to a High School; so we 're cheque for the full amount of twenty-five thousand pounds,

not absolute idiots, Parmenas ! payable to his order, will be forwarded to Mr. Conxling ac-
Priscilla. And I'm sure people have dreamt which horse was cordingly-"

going to win a race over and over again I Mr. 8. Well, Robert, you deserve it, I must say—shake hands!

Mr. 8. Come, come, let us have none of these unseemly"disputes! —I—ah—mean it.

And, when you compare a literary competition with—ah—a mere Robert. Thankee, Sir, I'm sure—it was Cook and Jane 'elped me,

gambling transaction, Priscilla, you do a grave injustice to us all. Sir, but—[dolefully)—I sold my chanst to the butcher-boy, for

You forget that we have, all of us, worked hard for success ; we tuppence and a mouth-orgin, Sir.

have given our whole thoughts and time to the subject. I have Mr. 8. You unspeakable young idiot! But there, you will know
staved at home from the office day after day. Your mother has better another time ; and now go out at once, and order five hundred
had no leisure for the cares of the household ; your brother has sus- copies of Tiddler—a periodical which offers such intellectual and—
pended his studies for his approaching examination, and your elder ah—substantial advantages, deserves some encouragement. [Exit
sister her labours at the East End—on purpose to devote our com- Robert.) Now Mother, Parmenas, girls—all of you} let us set to
bined intelligence to the subject. And are we to be told that we work, and see—just for the—ah—fun of the thing—if we can't be
are no better than the brainless multitude who speculate on horse- more fortunate with the next competition. We '11 have Cook and
racing! I am not angry, my child, I am only—(Enter Robert, Jane, and—ah—Robert in to help; the housework can look after
the Page, with a paper in a postal wrapper.) Tiddler's Miscellany— 1 itself for once . . . what is it now, Priscilla ?

ha, at last! Why didn't you bring it up before, Sir? You must | Prise, [faintly). I've just seen this. [Reads.) " In consequence of
have known it was important! I the recent decision at Bow Street, those who send solutions for this,