Punch (103.1892)

December 24, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 297

MIXED NOTIONS-No. II. UGANDA.

Scene—As before, a Railway-carriage in a suburban morning tram
to London. Persons also as before—namely, two Well-informed
Men, an Inquirer, and an Average Man.

First Well-informed Man {laying down his paper). So the
Government's going1 to stick to Uganda, after all. I had a notion,
from the beginning, they wouldn't be allowed to scuttle.

Average Man. Ah—I don't know that I'm particularly enthu-
siastic about Uganda.
Inquirer. Why not ?

A. M. What are we going to get out of it ?—that's the question,

anything of it, and they've got to go whether they like it or not;
though I daresay they 're deuced glad to be out of the hole. But,
if it don't pay, what on earth are we going to do with it ?

Second W I. M. {triumphantly reinforcing him). Yes, what on
earth are we"to do with it ?

First W. I. M. {calmly, but contemptuously). Ah! I see you're
both little-England men. From your point of view, I daresay
you 're right enough. But I'm one of those who believe that we
must stick on wherever we've planted the flag. I agree with
Moltke, that the nation that gives up is in a state of decay.

Second W. I. M. It wasn't Moltke who said that; it was Victor
Hugo, or {after a pause) Lord Palmerston.

We go interfering all over the world, grabbing here, and grabbing i _ First W. I. M. Well, it doesn't matter who said it. The point is,
there, merely in order to keep other people out; and then some; it's true. Besides, what are you going to do about the slaves and

nigger King, with a cold in his head, sneezes as he passes the j the Missionaries ?
Union Jack. That's an
insult to the flag, of
course; so off goes an
expedition, and, before
you know where you
are, we've spent about
ten millions, and added
a few thousand acres of
swamp to the Empire.
Why can't we leave
things alone ? Haven't
we got enough ?

First W. I. M. That's
all very well, I daresay;
but you forget that the
Berlin Conference made
Uganda one of our
spheres of influence.

Inquirer, When was
that Y

First W. I M. Why,
just after the Franco-
Prussian War. They
all met in Berlin to
settle up everything—
and we got Uganda.

Inquirer. I thought
it was later than that,
somehow.

First W. I M. Well,
anyhow, it was some-
where about that time.
I don't pledge myself to
a year or two. But what
I say about Uganda is
this. We 're there—or
rather the Company is
—and we should simply
disgrace ourselves be-
fore the whole world if
we chucked up the
sponge now. And, if
we did, we should have
France or Germany
nipping in directly.

Second W. I. M.
They can't.

First W. I. M. Why
not?

Second W. I. M.
Why not! Because it's
our sphere of influence
whatever happens

A SALVE FOR THE CONSCIENCE.

Vegetarian Professor. ' '• No, Madam, not even Fish. I cannot sanction the
Destruction of Life. These little Animals, foe instance, were but yesterday
Swimming happily in the Sea."

Mrs. O'Laughlan. "Oh but, Professor, just think it's the First Time the
poor little Things have ever been really Warm in their Lives ! "

Inquirer {timidly). 1 'm afraid you '11 think me very ignorant, but
I don't quite know what a " sphere of influence " is. I've read a lot
about it lately, but I can't quite make it out.

_ Second W, I. M. {condescendingly). Yes, I know it's deuced
difficult to keep up with these new notions, unless you 're in the
way of hearing all about them. Spheres of influence mean—well,
don't you know, they mean some country that's not quite yours, but
it's more yours than anybody else's, and if anybody else comes into
it, you 're allowed to make a protocol of it. Besides, it gives you a
right to the Hinterland, you know.

Inquirer {dubiously). Ah, I see. What's the Hinterland?
Second W. I. M. {stumped). I fancy it's about the most fertile
part of Africa. {To First W. I M.) Isn't it?
First_ W. I. M. Yes, that's it. It's the German for Highlands.
Inquirer. Of course, so it is. I might have thought of that.
Average Man {to First W. I. M.). Seems to me you've none of
ou got hold of the right point. What I want to know is, does
Uganda pay? Lugard says it don't; the Company hasn't made

U

"'Twas Whispered
in Heaven, 'twas Mut-
tered in H-." A

propos of the much-dis-
cussed article written
by Dr. St. George
Mivart in The Nine-
teenth Century, on
"Happinessin Hell,"—
begging pardon for uttering a word " unmentionable to ears polite,"
—our old friend 'Arry writes thusly:—"Sir,—We 'ave all of us
been familiar for years with the well-known 'Mivart's 'Otel.' If
the clever Professor is correct, this name ought to be changed, as
there ain't no such a place; and, in future, when alluded to, it
ought to be called Mivarfs Cool 'el. Am I right ?

"Yours truly, The 'Arry Opagite.''

Average Man. Oh,
bother the Missionaries!

First W. I. M. It's
all very well to say
"bother the Mission-
aries ! " but that won't

fet you any further,
hey 're our fellow-
creatures after all, and
what's more, they 're
our fellow-countrymen,
so we've got to look
after them.

Average Man. I
should let the whole lot
of Missionaries fight it
out together. They
only keep quarrelling
amongst themselves,
and trying to bag one
another's converts; and
then France and Eng-
land get involved.

Inquirer. By the way,
where is Uganda, ex-
actly ?

First W. I. M. Just
behind Zanzibar — or
somewhere about there.
You can get to it best
from Mashonaland.
Didn't you see that
Rhodes said he was
going to make a tele-
graph - line through
there? It used to be-
long to the Sultan op
Zanzibar. Don't you
remember ?

Inquirer. Of course;
so it did.

{Train draws up at
Terminus.

In "Lucky Shoes," baskets, and in other dainty trifles, does
Rimmel arrange his beautiful bottles of scent. Rimhel is not a
Head Centre, but our Chief Scenter, "and, "exclaims Mr. Wagstaep,
the Unabashed, "what a great day will be his Scentenary ! "

The Silent Battle."—See this charming piece at the Criterion.
Of course it is brought out by Mr. Charles Wyndham in illustra-
tion of the old proverb, " Acts, not words."