DOI issue:
The calendar for the year 1855
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17044#0005
PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1855
THE BEGGARS’ ALMANACK.
In January, if the frost’s a hard-
ener,
The proper dodge will he, the
“ frozen-out gardener.”
In February, chalk yonr eyes and
cheeks,
And be “ a tailor out of work for
weeks.”
In M arch, in case of acommercial
panic,
Come boldly out as “ a half-starved
mechanic.”
In April, should the thoroughfare
be wet,
Some lucifers by accident upset.
In May, when pious meetings most
abound,
With tracts religious, go your
daily round.
In June, equip yourself from some
Jew tailor,
And be, with arm in sling, a
“ British sailor.”
In hot July, the watering places
seek,
And try your fortune as an “ area
sneak.”
In August, paintuponyour cheeks
a scar,
And be a “ soldier wounded in the
war.”
In bright September, dress genteel
but seedy,
As a “ poor clerk respectable but
needy.”
In fine October, you may be with
reason
“ A waiter waiting for the London
season.”
In dull November, don't a chance
neglect,
But be on board of any ship that’s
wrecked.
In cold December, neath a gas-
light stand,
With sealing-wax and wafers in
your hand.
THINGS NOT GENERALLY
KNOWN.
That Alfred the Great was
in reality a Dwarf.
That the Cannibals of Ethiopia
live entirely upon black pudding.
That the strictest teetotallers in
England are the Cabmen.
That “ quiet streets ” are so
called from their being chiefly
tenanted by medical students.
That Exeter Hall is still occa-
sionally used as a Casino,
That “ genuine Havannahs ” are
now exclusively imported from the
Greenwich cabbage-garden.
That Mr. Barnum is in active
treaty for the purchase of the
House that Jack built.
That the Emperor of Russia
has joined the Peace Society.
That Jean d’Arc was in com-
plexion a blonde.
That excellent Whitebait can
be manufactured at Blackwall
throughout the season out of fried
curl papers.
That the Elgin Marbles were
discovered in a slate quarry.
That the formation of the
Sandwich Islands consists alter-
nately of successive strata of ham
and bread and butter.
a mustard-seed fable.
Golden.—Said the sovereign to
the wedding ring—” What a paltry
bit of metal! Why, I’d make two
of you.” “What of that? t/oumay
melt in the hand in a minute,”
says the ring; “ now, small as I
am, I last a couple for life.”
INTERESTING GROUP POSED FOR A DAGUEBREOTYPE
BY A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY.
Ancif.nt and Modern Music.—
Some admire Bach’s music; the
taste of others does not go back
so far.
BIOGRAPHIES FOR THE MILLION.
We extract the following brief Biographies from a valuable
work, shortly to be published under the sanction of the Society
for the Confusion of Useless Knowledge.
Hood, a celebrated admiral, who, for his national services
in writing “The Song of the Shirt” was made, for many
years, the Editor of the Comic Annual. In this situation he
was the cause of so many “ lyttell gestes,” that since then,
many a poor punster has got his living by robbing Hood.
Being outlawed be lived for some time in Sherwood Forest;
though we afterwards meet with Hood in a Convent.
Hollar, an Engraver who made a great deal of noise in
his day. His real name was Jones.
Parr, a gentleman who attained an immense age, and it is
said, that, during his life, Ten Sovereigns sat on the Throne;
but, whether they were all there at once, or why they were
put there at all, we leave to numismatists to discover,—though
we think that it could not, at any time, take ten sovereigns to
make a crown. Parr’s acquaintance with the dead languages
was a speaking one, for he could converse in both Hebrew
and Greek. His widow married King Henry the Eighth.
Ross, a celebrated Arctic Navigator who, after endeavouring
to discover the North Pole discovered that the polls of men
might he attended to with more success, and accordingly
established himself as a fashionable hairdresser in Piccadilly.
Here he devoted himself to scientific attainments, and per-
fected a monster telescope, for which he was appointed minia-
ture painter to Her Majesty. His social acquirements made
him highly esteemed in domestic lifp, and his pathetic song
of “Sam Hall” was re-demanded nightly.
The Odour of Sanctity.—The saints of the middle ages
were fond of sprinkling holy water about. They would pro-
bably have made themselves much more agreeable if they
had substituted chloride of lime.
A Medium Truth.—The Truth (they say) generally lies
in the medium—but an exception to this is, of course, a
Rapping-Medium, who never, by any accident, raps out the
Truth.
1
THE
FEMALE ROCHEFOUCAULD.
The woman who praises another
is insincere; if she really meant
to praise, she-would detract.
Good temper, supported for any
length of time, should warn us
that a favour is about to be asked, j
The woman who goes out to j
dinner to eat, is lost.
The young girl who wastes I
weeks over a pair of butterfly
braces, only sacrifices the Present
out of a fond regard to the Future.
The end of too much cold meat
is mostly a broil.
Under a long dress you have a
perfect right to suspect there lies
hid a large foot.
With many women, going to
church is little better than look-
ing into a Bonnet Shop.
In many cases, the Piano is used
as an instrument of envy to drown
a rival’s voice.
QUERIES TO WHICH WE PAUSE
FOR A REPLY.
“ Thou com'st in such a question-able
shape.”
What part do the Moon’s horns
play in the Music ot the Spheres;
or, are they included in the hand
of the Orion ?
Are not furs the best trees to
protect a house from winter
storm s ?
Are the sewers flushed because
of the hot weather?
Is a poor,man’s walk through
life necessarily an easy one be-
cause he meets with no cheques ?
If a cab is hired by a pretty
girl who has “ seen better days,”
is she to he considered as a reduced
fare?
INTERESTING AND VALUABLE RESULT.
STANZAS FOR THE SENTI-
MENTAL.
ON MY REFUSING ANGELINA A KISS
UNDER THE MISLETOE.
Nay, fond one, shun that nrisletoe,
Nor lure me ’neath its fatal
hough :
Some other night ’twere joy to go,
But ah! I must not, dare not
now!
’Tis sad, I own, to see thy face
Thus tempt me with its giggling
glee,
And feel I cannot now embrace
The opportunity—and thee.
’Tis sad to think that jealousy’s
Sharp scissors may our true
love sever;
And that my coldness now may
freeze
Thy warm affection, love, for
ever.
But ah! to disappoint our bliss,
A fatal hindrance now is stuck:
’Tis not that I am loath to kiss,
But, dearest, list—I dined off
duck !
Comparative Ornithology.—
An old .woman may he no chicken,
but it does not follow that a young
lady is one. Instead of being a
chicken, she may he a goose.
A Naval Question.—If a boat-
swain marries, does bis wife be-
come a boatswain’s mate?
Advice to Army Surgeons.—
When you are under fire—cut
away.
Definition of Spring,—The
vegetable Shooting Season.
Legitimate Sport.—Those who
fish for compliments deserve to
get a bite.
I
THE BEGGARS’ ALMANACK.
In January, if the frost’s a hard-
ener,
The proper dodge will he, the
“ frozen-out gardener.”
In February, chalk yonr eyes and
cheeks,
And be “ a tailor out of work for
weeks.”
In M arch, in case of acommercial
panic,
Come boldly out as “ a half-starved
mechanic.”
In April, should the thoroughfare
be wet,
Some lucifers by accident upset.
In May, when pious meetings most
abound,
With tracts religious, go your
daily round.
In June, equip yourself from some
Jew tailor,
And be, with arm in sling, a
“ British sailor.”
In hot July, the watering places
seek,
And try your fortune as an “ area
sneak.”
In August, paintuponyour cheeks
a scar,
And be a “ soldier wounded in the
war.”
In bright September, dress genteel
but seedy,
As a “ poor clerk respectable but
needy.”
In fine October, you may be with
reason
“ A waiter waiting for the London
season.”
In dull November, don't a chance
neglect,
But be on board of any ship that’s
wrecked.
In cold December, neath a gas-
light stand,
With sealing-wax and wafers in
your hand.
THINGS NOT GENERALLY
KNOWN.
That Alfred the Great was
in reality a Dwarf.
That the Cannibals of Ethiopia
live entirely upon black pudding.
That the strictest teetotallers in
England are the Cabmen.
That “ quiet streets ” are so
called from their being chiefly
tenanted by medical students.
That Exeter Hall is still occa-
sionally used as a Casino,
That “ genuine Havannahs ” are
now exclusively imported from the
Greenwich cabbage-garden.
That Mr. Barnum is in active
treaty for the purchase of the
House that Jack built.
That the Emperor of Russia
has joined the Peace Society.
That Jean d’Arc was in com-
plexion a blonde.
That excellent Whitebait can
be manufactured at Blackwall
throughout the season out of fried
curl papers.
That the Elgin Marbles were
discovered in a slate quarry.
That the formation of the
Sandwich Islands consists alter-
nately of successive strata of ham
and bread and butter.
a mustard-seed fable.
Golden.—Said the sovereign to
the wedding ring—” What a paltry
bit of metal! Why, I’d make two
of you.” “What of that? t/oumay
melt in the hand in a minute,”
says the ring; “ now, small as I
am, I last a couple for life.”
INTERESTING GROUP POSED FOR A DAGUEBREOTYPE
BY A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY.
Ancif.nt and Modern Music.—
Some admire Bach’s music; the
taste of others does not go back
so far.
BIOGRAPHIES FOR THE MILLION.
We extract the following brief Biographies from a valuable
work, shortly to be published under the sanction of the Society
for the Confusion of Useless Knowledge.
Hood, a celebrated admiral, who, for his national services
in writing “The Song of the Shirt” was made, for many
years, the Editor of the Comic Annual. In this situation he
was the cause of so many “ lyttell gestes,” that since then,
many a poor punster has got his living by robbing Hood.
Being outlawed be lived for some time in Sherwood Forest;
though we afterwards meet with Hood in a Convent.
Hollar, an Engraver who made a great deal of noise in
his day. His real name was Jones.
Parr, a gentleman who attained an immense age, and it is
said, that, during his life, Ten Sovereigns sat on the Throne;
but, whether they were all there at once, or why they were
put there at all, we leave to numismatists to discover,—though
we think that it could not, at any time, take ten sovereigns to
make a crown. Parr’s acquaintance with the dead languages
was a speaking one, for he could converse in both Hebrew
and Greek. His widow married King Henry the Eighth.
Ross, a celebrated Arctic Navigator who, after endeavouring
to discover the North Pole discovered that the polls of men
might he attended to with more success, and accordingly
established himself as a fashionable hairdresser in Piccadilly.
Here he devoted himself to scientific attainments, and per-
fected a monster telescope, for which he was appointed minia-
ture painter to Her Majesty. His social acquirements made
him highly esteemed in domestic lifp, and his pathetic song
of “Sam Hall” was re-demanded nightly.
The Odour of Sanctity.—The saints of the middle ages
were fond of sprinkling holy water about. They would pro-
bably have made themselves much more agreeable if they
had substituted chloride of lime.
A Medium Truth.—The Truth (they say) generally lies
in the medium—but an exception to this is, of course, a
Rapping-Medium, who never, by any accident, raps out the
Truth.
1
THE
FEMALE ROCHEFOUCAULD.
The woman who praises another
is insincere; if she really meant
to praise, she-would detract.
Good temper, supported for any
length of time, should warn us
that a favour is about to be asked, j
The woman who goes out to j
dinner to eat, is lost.
The young girl who wastes I
weeks over a pair of butterfly
braces, only sacrifices the Present
out of a fond regard to the Future.
The end of too much cold meat
is mostly a broil.
Under a long dress you have a
perfect right to suspect there lies
hid a large foot.
With many women, going to
church is little better than look-
ing into a Bonnet Shop.
In many cases, the Piano is used
as an instrument of envy to drown
a rival’s voice.
QUERIES TO WHICH WE PAUSE
FOR A REPLY.
“ Thou com'st in such a question-able
shape.”
What part do the Moon’s horns
play in the Music ot the Spheres;
or, are they included in the hand
of the Orion ?
Are not furs the best trees to
protect a house from winter
storm s ?
Are the sewers flushed because
of the hot weather?
Is a poor,man’s walk through
life necessarily an easy one be-
cause he meets with no cheques ?
If a cab is hired by a pretty
girl who has “ seen better days,”
is she to he considered as a reduced
fare?
INTERESTING AND VALUABLE RESULT.
STANZAS FOR THE SENTI-
MENTAL.
ON MY REFUSING ANGELINA A KISS
UNDER THE MISLETOE.
Nay, fond one, shun that nrisletoe,
Nor lure me ’neath its fatal
hough :
Some other night ’twere joy to go,
But ah! I must not, dare not
now!
’Tis sad, I own, to see thy face
Thus tempt me with its giggling
glee,
And feel I cannot now embrace
The opportunity—and thee.
’Tis sad to think that jealousy’s
Sharp scissors may our true
love sever;
And that my coldness now may
freeze
Thy warm affection, love, for
ever.
But ah! to disappoint our bliss,
A fatal hindrance now is stuck:
’Tis not that I am loath to kiss,
But, dearest, list—I dined off
duck !
Comparative Ornithology.—
An old .woman may he no chicken,
but it does not follow that a young
lady is one. Instead of being a
chicken, she may he a goose.
A Naval Question.—If a boat-
swain marries, does bis wife be-
come a boatswain’s mate?
Advice to Army Surgeons.—
When you are under fire—cut
away.
Definition of Spring,—The
vegetable Shooting Season.
Legitimate Sport.—Those who
fish for compliments deserve to
get a bite.
I