DOI issue:
Punch’s Almanack for 1862
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17015#0010
BUNCH’S ALMANACK FOE 1862
BALLAD FROM BEDLAM.
I would I were a stickleback,
And lived upon a mountain,
I ’d curl my tail, and purr, and quack.
Like sparrows in a fountain.
What joy through icy fire to dart,
Upon a cobweb swinging,
And give my love my sunburnt heart,
While evening drums are ringing I
Yet rather would I wish to be
An elegant young spider,
To treat my love to imps and tea.
And sit and sing beside her.
Then would we fly te fEtna Green,
With bluebottles behind us,
And hidden in a soup tureen,
No mortal eye should find us !
JONES’S MEDITATIONS.
When a lady asks if you admire her
dress, she expects you to express your
admiration of herself.
The time that women waste in study-
ing the looking-glass men more sensibly
employ in studying the dinner carte.
If you wish to know the value that is
set on your society, announce that you
intend to give up giving parties, and then
count the invitations you continue to
receive.
It is a sure sign of departing juvenility,
when one has no longer an appetite for
buns.
Whom do ladies dress themselves to
please ? Surely not the gentlemen, or
they would never stand in such terror as
they seem to do of one another’s criticism.
Imitation is the homage that dulness
pays to genius. Such homage is paid
constantly at the throne of the great
Punch.
Physiological Fact. — The actual
powers of the human stomach are in
some cases equal to those which fable
has ascribed to the ostrich, a bird erro-
neously supposed capable of digesting
iron and steel. Any Tailor can eat his
own Goose.
Hint on Gardening. — In planting
tulips consult the Champion of England,
because he is the chief of the floorists.
Geography for Girls. — Iceland is
situated in Belgravia.
CRINOLINE FOR DOMESTIC USE.
Domestic. ‘‘Bother Missus 1 She wears it herself, and I don’t see why I shouldn’t/’
HINTS TO MAKE HOME HAPPY
BY A MAN WHO MARRIED LATE.
When any of your wife’s relatives are
staying in the house, do all you can to
snub them and to make their visit
wretched ; but when any of your family
happen to be with you, take every oppor-
tunity of saying in her hearing that you
fear she terribly neglects them in your
absence. Never pay a house-keeping
account without a grumble, and always
scrutinise each item as sharply as 3-011
can, and hint that shawls and bonnets arc
now and then put down, you think,
[ among the “Sundries.1’ If your wife is
a proficient as a pianist or singer, do all
within your power to discourage her from
practising; and then, when at a party
she fails somewhat to exhibit her usual
I execution, hint that ladies when they
marry grow sometimes sadly lazy. In
short, do all you can to snub, vex, trouble,
aggravate, and torment your wife, and it
will not be your fault if, to yourself as
well as her, your home is made most
happy. __
MR. SOWERBY’S SEASONS.
SUMMER.
Whilst the sun shines make your hay.
Yonder see the tempest lower.
Now the forked lightnings play;
Now descends the thunder-shower.
How the lads and lasses flee
Fast away as doe and buck,
Socking shelter 'neath a tree :
Where they’re likely to be struck.
WISH FOR JUNE.
Mistress. Sarah! At last ! Provide ^our-
self by this day month.
Sarah. It ain’t late, M’m ; and please,
M m, my cousin—
Mistress. Don’t answer me, and don’t
j dare to speak to me of your cousin. You
were to be home by nine, and it is half-
past eleven, wicked, rude, ungrateful girl.
Go to bed.
I S 'rah. I wish there was no Whit-
Monday. (Blubbering).
Question for Solicitors.—What nasty
thing has more limbs than a centipede ?
The Law.
BALLAD FROM BEDLAM.
I would I were a stickleback,
And lived upon a mountain,
I ’d curl my tail, and purr, and quack.
Like sparrows in a fountain.
What joy through icy fire to dart,
Upon a cobweb swinging,
And give my love my sunburnt heart,
While evening drums are ringing I
Yet rather would I wish to be
An elegant young spider,
To treat my love to imps and tea.
And sit and sing beside her.
Then would we fly te fEtna Green,
With bluebottles behind us,
And hidden in a soup tureen,
No mortal eye should find us !
JONES’S MEDITATIONS.
When a lady asks if you admire her
dress, she expects you to express your
admiration of herself.
The time that women waste in study-
ing the looking-glass men more sensibly
employ in studying the dinner carte.
If you wish to know the value that is
set on your society, announce that you
intend to give up giving parties, and then
count the invitations you continue to
receive.
It is a sure sign of departing juvenility,
when one has no longer an appetite for
buns.
Whom do ladies dress themselves to
please ? Surely not the gentlemen, or
they would never stand in such terror as
they seem to do of one another’s criticism.
Imitation is the homage that dulness
pays to genius. Such homage is paid
constantly at the throne of the great
Punch.
Physiological Fact. — The actual
powers of the human stomach are in
some cases equal to those which fable
has ascribed to the ostrich, a bird erro-
neously supposed capable of digesting
iron and steel. Any Tailor can eat his
own Goose.
Hint on Gardening. — In planting
tulips consult the Champion of England,
because he is the chief of the floorists.
Geography for Girls. — Iceland is
situated in Belgravia.
CRINOLINE FOR DOMESTIC USE.
Domestic. ‘‘Bother Missus 1 She wears it herself, and I don’t see why I shouldn’t/’
HINTS TO MAKE HOME HAPPY
BY A MAN WHO MARRIED LATE.
When any of your wife’s relatives are
staying in the house, do all you can to
snub them and to make their visit
wretched ; but when any of your family
happen to be with you, take every oppor-
tunity of saying in her hearing that you
fear she terribly neglects them in your
absence. Never pay a house-keeping
account without a grumble, and always
scrutinise each item as sharply as 3-011
can, and hint that shawls and bonnets arc
now and then put down, you think,
[ among the “Sundries.1’ If your wife is
a proficient as a pianist or singer, do all
within your power to discourage her from
practising; and then, when at a party
she fails somewhat to exhibit her usual
I execution, hint that ladies when they
marry grow sometimes sadly lazy. In
short, do all you can to snub, vex, trouble,
aggravate, and torment your wife, and it
will not be your fault if, to yourself as
well as her, your home is made most
happy. __
MR. SOWERBY’S SEASONS.
SUMMER.
Whilst the sun shines make your hay.
Yonder see the tempest lower.
Now the forked lightnings play;
Now descends the thunder-shower.
How the lads and lasses flee
Fast away as doe and buck,
Socking shelter 'neath a tree :
Where they’re likely to be struck.
WISH FOR JUNE.
Mistress. Sarah! At last ! Provide ^our-
self by this day month.
Sarah. It ain’t late, M’m ; and please,
M m, my cousin—
Mistress. Don’t answer me, and don’t
j dare to speak to me of your cousin. You
were to be home by nine, and it is half-
past eleven, wicked, rude, ungrateful girl.
Go to bed.
I S 'rah. I wish there was no Whit-
Monday. (Blubbering).
Question for Solicitors.—What nasty
thing has more limbs than a centipede ?
The Law.