DOI issue:
Punch's Almanack for 1876
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17128#0004
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1876.
TKecember 1G, lb?3.
1 IS IS. r.5h.32in
2 S 53. inL,
3 M S. ..b'h 87m
4 Ti. OnljBmtli.d
6 W K R.iliej dJlM
G'TI 'Dr.Hmby d.
7;K Cam.I,.T.e.
II 3 lOxf. 1.. T*
I' M Hailitt b.
] ljTiilC* ninflb.
W Young d.
Id I I. Hondal d.
14jF Tiood Ktid.
1S S jKaat-T. beg
Pi iGibbon b.
F III. IVtn
S Empttmb.! M
S 2 S uf. Bai.l I 5
M
S. r.4'i.33n
1 ;
\V
' ennff r b.
1 Tb
S. r.3l..52m
i fa F
J.Weala) b
tJ
EjSDii tkn
id
ri.
Stwnll d
2|K
Oaf. E. T t
17 3
to s
St. All.an
IV
s. b.7h.2jui
1!'
Du.man
3 3
Oxf.Tr.T.l.
lSn .f. Tr.
I'll
Sarinc.tlfn
Or
s
Colunbju d
< S
Whit s,,n
1 9 M
K.Warrw
K
Nap I d.
II
s
Itoi^.tion >
n M
Whit Hon,
■ii'Tu
Q. Vic Ac.
*t Jolin
OJ
M
B. Mylat
dTii
3. a. BhJJm.
211IV
t'rocl im.
s
3 s af.Kas.
23
To
ITnpernic. d
IJ. Vict h.
7 W
0. Krirun
22 "Mi
K. l'errd
vl
li#S«n U
21
\V
8;Tli
D Jerroln d.
211 F
J 413
CanuB T.«.
Tn
Scb.ilWt d.
25
lb
A^tn. D.
9'K
llickena d.
Miami r. D.
IV
I'urgot b.
2b'
K
Aiicustiiie
10 3
Hribbdi 1
»5 S
23a. afTr
lb
Kant. T. e.
■i
V. Uede
ll|S
Tun. Sub.
•J». M
Geo IV. d.
K
J. llcll b
2H
s
3 af. A 'Cftn
12 M
H. Wilton
i; Tn
Ctiro tkn
s
0. May D.
29
M
Chaa.ILre«
I3T..
Hnvtfi.i.hd.
2i: \V Qicrict cr
s
4S hi En.
Hi
r«
Pope d
u. ivutm
1 4 W rn. N.nehy
ill TI.
St Teter
M
OConni-lId
31
IV
1 5 Tti.Corp. 1 liris.
3ll(F
Roseoe d.
Tn
a Album
1 '
1
1
V^.«a^
DIARIES FOE THE YEAE.
The Soldieii.
January. — Entered the Service as a recruit, in
Bpite of the protest of the Hector of my native village.,
Spent my bounty money in dissipation, and was passed
over to the depot.
February.—Found myself in the Infantry. Imme-
diately on receiving my kit, deserted, and came up to
London.
March.—After a fortnight's pleasuring, shaved off
my whiskers, and entered the Service again. The
Magistrate who " swore me in " warned me that I was
sacrificing my prospects in life by becoming a soldier.
April.— Found myself in the Cavalry. Took a dis-
taste to "stables," and deserted.
May.—After living upon the proceeds of my "free
kit" for a short time, determined to enter the Service
again. Shaved off my moustache, and was duly sworn
in. A Clergyman on the bench admonished me that I
was throwing my future to the clogs by wearing Her
Majesty's uniform.
June.—Found myself in the Artillery. Gun drill
appeared to be hard work. After a fortnight at Wool-
wich, made up my mind to desert, and deserted.
-July.—Thought I would try the Militia. Joined a
Metropolitan regiment, and finding " position drill " a
nuisance, deserted.
August.—My funds being low, made up my mind
that I had not given the Militia a fair chance. Left
London and joined a country Militia regiment.
September.—Early morning drill unpleasant. De-
serted, and went to Scotland. True to my love for the
Auxiliary Forces, joined a Highland Militia regiment.
October.—Requiring change of air, deserted to Ire-
land, and joined a Militia regiment in the Emerald
Isle.
Nov ember.—All the trainings seem now over; sud-
denly tired of the Militia. Came back to England,
and,"leaving my regiment (in my usual fashion), joined
the Eoyal Engineers.
December. — Found I was expected to learn a trade.
This did not suit me, so I ''exchanged" (in my old
style) into the Marines, purposing to take a little sea
voyage to escape the kind inquiries of many military
friends. Eat my Christmas dinner, and on the "last day
of the old year packed up my traps and—deserted!'
THE CYNIC'S CALENDAR.
[3£elancho7h 2Iciiix. on the 3£i»eries of the 2IontJi.)
April.
Apiul starts with All Fools' Day
(That runs all the year / say) :
Poets call this month the rental,
Weather commonly infernal!
Spring is on us—with a spring;
Blows and pours like anything !
April showers—in the form
Of a (frigid) tropic storm.
Bards sing Canticles—sheer cant!
Time for planting—all a " plant ! *
Stick the Bards on dunce's stools,
They but make us—April Fools !
May.
May ! pet month with every poet.
Flowers blow—and winds too, blow it!
Bards! On their own " lines" I'd string 'cm
For their fibs. Top coat and gingham
Still essential. One fresh bore—
The E.A.'s throw wide their door !
Table-talk is all of pictures,
Critic cant, and stupid strictures.
May in Nature is a sham,
May in Art gush, crush, and cram !
Pipe me no more ditties pray
On the " merry Month of May !"
we.
Juke ! Again the Bards begin,
" Summer is yeomen in."
Yet without a Sangster stout
He's a fool who'll venture out.
Loses ! pretty in a poem.
Did you ever try to grow 'em ?
After toilsome eves and morns
Find a crop of—leaves and thorns ?
Year attains another quarter,
Days, and tempers too, grow shorter.
Muse, your lyre is out of tune,
Leave " the leafy Month of June I"
Geology of Erin.—" Snakes," says an Irish Natu-
ralist, "never existed in Ireland, where they became
extinct entirely through the preaching of St. Patrick."
Search the bog-formations, however, for the remains of
the O'Phidians.
Rule and Exception.—""WTien tilings are at the
worst they sometimes mend." Some things are too
bad to mend any more. A saying true of tilings in
general, if not d propos dc bottes.
In Quest of Lodgings.—Recollect you can always
obtain bed and board, without any additional payment
for the latter, by sleeping on the floor.
DIARIES FOE THE YEAE.
The Sailoii.
January.—Found myself on board the Lively Pol7
Could not account for my presence on deck. The last
thing I remembered was the parlour of a riverside
tavern.
February.—The Lively Tolly quite safe in calm
water, but being heavily insured was unlucky^ enough
to sink in a storm.
March.—After ten days in an open boat, made the
land. Kindly treated by the owner of a public-house.
April.—Found myself suddenly on board the Copper
Coffin, with a cargo of cotton. The Copper Coffin,
being maimed with a crew of " choice spirits," caught
fire.
May.—After an unpleasant journey on a bit of
broken spar, made the land. Having acquired a tem-
porary distaste for the sea, entered the lighter service.
June.—In charge of a lighter freighted with gun-
powder and other innocent materials. Met an old
friend, had a glass of ale, lighted a pipe, and blew up.
July.—Joined the Naval Reserve, and found out the
secret of obtaining the maximum of pay for the mini-
mum of work.
August. — Entered the Royal Navy, and was
draughted into an Iron-clad.
September.—AVent in the Iron-clad to the bottom of
the sea.
October.—Having risen to the surface, made my way
to London, and started " The Deceased Mariners' Aid
Society." Lived sumptuously upon the subscriptions.
November. — The subscribers of " The Deceased
Mariners' Aid Society" asking disagreeable questions,
entered the Merchant Service—on this occasion with
all my wits about me.
December.—Assisted in putting my Captain in irons,
and kept Christmas merrily by breaking into the spirit
cupboard and going to the bottom. Not being born to
be drowned, picked up and brought to England. Ended
the year in the parlour of a sea-side tavern, in a happy
state of unconsciousness.
" EINKUM TENEATIS, AMICI."
Oftentimes in merry May,
When the water nearly freezes,
Tender leaves on many a spray
Shrivelling droop in Eastern breezes
Christmas come again you think- •
Then, whilst genuine ice awaiting,
Go. glide o'er the mimic " Pink,"
And sing, " "What a dav for skating !'
TKecember 1G, lb?3.
1 IS IS. r.5h.32in
2 S 53. inL,
3 M S. ..b'h 87m
4 Ti. OnljBmtli.d
6 W K R.iliej dJlM
G'TI 'Dr.Hmby d.
7;K Cam.I,.T.e.
II 3 lOxf. 1.. T*
I' M Hailitt b.
] ljTiilC* ninflb.
W Young d.
Id I I. Hondal d.
14jF Tiood Ktid.
1S S jKaat-T. beg
Pi iGibbon b.
F III. IVtn
S Empttmb.! M
S 2 S uf. Bai.l I 5
M
S. r.4'i.33n
1 ;
\V
' ennff r b.
1 Tb
S. r.3l..52m
i fa F
J.Weala) b
tJ
EjSDii tkn
id
ri.
Stwnll d
2|K
Oaf. E. T t
17 3
to s
St. All.an
IV
s. b.7h.2jui
1!'
Du.man
3 3
Oxf.Tr.T.l.
lSn .f. Tr.
I'll
Sarinc.tlfn
Or
s
Colunbju d
< S
Whit s,,n
1 9 M
K.Warrw
K
Nap I d.
II
s
Itoi^.tion >
n M
Whit Hon,
■ii'Tu
Q. Vic Ac.
*t Jolin
OJ
M
B. Mylat
dTii
3. a. BhJJm.
211IV
t'rocl im.
s
3 s af.Kas.
23
To
ITnpernic. d
IJ. Vict h.
7 W
0. Krirun
22 "Mi
K. l'errd
vl
li#S«n U
21
\V
8;Tli
D Jerroln d.
211 F
J 413
CanuB T.«.
Tn
Scb.ilWt d.
25
lb
A^tn. D.
9'K
llickena d.
Miami r. D.
IV
I'urgot b.
2b'
K
Aiicustiiie
10 3
Hribbdi 1
»5 S
23a. afTr
lb
Kant. T. e.
■i
V. Uede
ll|S
Tun. Sub.
•J». M
Geo IV. d.
K
J. llcll b
2H
s
3 af. A 'Cftn
12 M
H. Wilton
i; Tn
Ctiro tkn
s
0. May D.
29
M
Chaa.ILre«
I3T..
Hnvtfi.i.hd.
2i: \V Qicrict cr
s
4S hi En.
Hi
r«
Pope d
u. ivutm
1 4 W rn. N.nehy
ill TI.
St Teter
M
OConni-lId
31
IV
1 5 Tti.Corp. 1 liris.
3ll(F
Roseoe d.
Tn
a Album
1 '
1
1
V^.«a^
DIARIES FOE THE YEAE.
The Soldieii.
January. — Entered the Service as a recruit, in
Bpite of the protest of the Hector of my native village.,
Spent my bounty money in dissipation, and was passed
over to the depot.
February.—Found myself in the Infantry. Imme-
diately on receiving my kit, deserted, and came up to
London.
March.—After a fortnight's pleasuring, shaved off
my whiskers, and entered the Service again. The
Magistrate who " swore me in " warned me that I was
sacrificing my prospects in life by becoming a soldier.
April.— Found myself in the Cavalry. Took a dis-
taste to "stables," and deserted.
May.—After living upon the proceeds of my "free
kit" for a short time, determined to enter the Service
again. Shaved off my moustache, and was duly sworn
in. A Clergyman on the bench admonished me that I
was throwing my future to the clogs by wearing Her
Majesty's uniform.
June.—Found myself in the Artillery. Gun drill
appeared to be hard work. After a fortnight at Wool-
wich, made up my mind to desert, and deserted.
-July.—Thought I would try the Militia. Joined a
Metropolitan regiment, and finding " position drill " a
nuisance, deserted.
August.—My funds being low, made up my mind
that I had not given the Militia a fair chance. Left
London and joined a country Militia regiment.
September.—Early morning drill unpleasant. De-
serted, and went to Scotland. True to my love for the
Auxiliary Forces, joined a Highland Militia regiment.
October.—Requiring change of air, deserted to Ire-
land, and joined a Militia regiment in the Emerald
Isle.
Nov ember.—All the trainings seem now over; sud-
denly tired of the Militia. Came back to England,
and,"leaving my regiment (in my usual fashion), joined
the Eoyal Engineers.
December. — Found I was expected to learn a trade.
This did not suit me, so I ''exchanged" (in my old
style) into the Marines, purposing to take a little sea
voyage to escape the kind inquiries of many military
friends. Eat my Christmas dinner, and on the "last day
of the old year packed up my traps and—deserted!'
THE CYNIC'S CALENDAR.
[3£elancho7h 2Iciiix. on the 3£i»eries of the 2IontJi.)
April.
Apiul starts with All Fools' Day
(That runs all the year / say) :
Poets call this month the rental,
Weather commonly infernal!
Spring is on us—with a spring;
Blows and pours like anything !
April showers—in the form
Of a (frigid) tropic storm.
Bards sing Canticles—sheer cant!
Time for planting—all a " plant ! *
Stick the Bards on dunce's stools,
They but make us—April Fools !
May.
May ! pet month with every poet.
Flowers blow—and winds too, blow it!
Bards! On their own " lines" I'd string 'cm
For their fibs. Top coat and gingham
Still essential. One fresh bore—
The E.A.'s throw wide their door !
Table-talk is all of pictures,
Critic cant, and stupid strictures.
May in Nature is a sham,
May in Art gush, crush, and cram !
Pipe me no more ditties pray
On the " merry Month of May !"
we.
Juke ! Again the Bards begin,
" Summer is yeomen in."
Yet without a Sangster stout
He's a fool who'll venture out.
Loses ! pretty in a poem.
Did you ever try to grow 'em ?
After toilsome eves and morns
Find a crop of—leaves and thorns ?
Year attains another quarter,
Days, and tempers too, grow shorter.
Muse, your lyre is out of tune,
Leave " the leafy Month of June I"
Geology of Erin.—" Snakes," says an Irish Natu-
ralist, "never existed in Ireland, where they became
extinct entirely through the preaching of St. Patrick."
Search the bog-formations, however, for the remains of
the O'Phidians.
Rule and Exception.—""WTien tilings are at the
worst they sometimes mend." Some things are too
bad to mend any more. A saying true of tilings in
general, if not d propos dc bottes.
In Quest of Lodgings.—Recollect you can always
obtain bed and board, without any additional payment
for the latter, by sleeping on the floor.
DIARIES FOE THE YEAE.
The Sailoii.
January.—Found myself on board the Lively Pol7
Could not account for my presence on deck. The last
thing I remembered was the parlour of a riverside
tavern.
February.—The Lively Tolly quite safe in calm
water, but being heavily insured was unlucky^ enough
to sink in a storm.
March.—After ten days in an open boat, made the
land. Kindly treated by the owner of a public-house.
April.—Found myself suddenly on board the Copper
Coffin, with a cargo of cotton. The Copper Coffin,
being maimed with a crew of " choice spirits," caught
fire.
May.—After an unpleasant journey on a bit of
broken spar, made the land. Having acquired a tem-
porary distaste for the sea, entered the lighter service.
June.—In charge of a lighter freighted with gun-
powder and other innocent materials. Met an old
friend, had a glass of ale, lighted a pipe, and blew up.
July.—Joined the Naval Reserve, and found out the
secret of obtaining the maximum of pay for the mini-
mum of work.
August. — Entered the Royal Navy, and was
draughted into an Iron-clad.
September.—AVent in the Iron-clad to the bottom of
the sea.
October.—Having risen to the surface, made my way
to London, and started " The Deceased Mariners' Aid
Society." Lived sumptuously upon the subscriptions.
November. — The subscribers of " The Deceased
Mariners' Aid Society" asking disagreeable questions,
entered the Merchant Service—on this occasion with
all my wits about me.
December.—Assisted in putting my Captain in irons,
and kept Christmas merrily by breaking into the spirit
cupboard and going to the bottom. Not being born to
be drowned, picked up and brought to England. Ended
the year in the parlour of a sea-side tavern, in a happy
state of unconsciousness.
" EINKUM TENEATIS, AMICI."
Oftentimes in merry May,
When the water nearly freezes,
Tender leaves on many a spray
Shrivelling droop in Eastern breezes
Christmas come again you think- •
Then, whilst genuine ice awaiting,
Go. glide o'er the mimic " Pink,"
And sing, " "What a dav for skating !'