DOI issue:
Punch's Almanack for 1877
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17768#0003
December 14,167«.1
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1877.
ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS
(For Students and Examiners.)
Q. " Gravity decreases with distance." Explain.
A. Quite true and just so. However stupendous an idiot
a man may be, you cannot very well laugh, at him to his face,
specially if he be a remarkably muscular idiot. When he is
gone, or when you have gone, or when his back is turned,
then he is, as the French say, " pour rire " (which, according
to English soundings, is a particularly happy phrase as
applied to laughing behind any one's back), and when he
is a hundred miles off, you can put off your gravity, which is
an assumed habit, and go into perfect Jits of laughter. Thus
you see how " gravity decreases with distance." Go away, I
want to laugh.
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
for may.
Why do Mamma and the girls go to Court ?
Why does Papa say it's perfectly disgraceful ?
'Why does Mamma smuggle the Dressmaker up the
back stairs ?
"Why do the girls invite all their friends to come and
see them start ?
Why do their friends call Florie and Effie
" frights " when they think I am not listening ?
Why does Effie say that Papa ought to know that
Mr. Curlywig would stand by the carriage in the
Park ?
WThy does Florie ask after Mrs. Rubric ?
Why does Mamma give me some sweeties not to
say anything about the quarrel to Papa ?
THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.
May.
May! A merry month indeed
To Diogenes ! I feed
Full on fooleries, phrenzied, frantic,
Critic cant and cockney centric.
Love to see R.A's. array,
Few can paint, but many pay.
List to Gosling Green's remarks,
Girls' warm gushes,—awful larks!
Fair May buds ? They're few ; but rare
Budding boobies in Mayfair.
On the whole one should be gay
Who hunts fools in town in May.
_ Advertisement for all Fools.—An opera louffle
singer, having lost his voice, advertises a reward for its
recovery.
Birds of Science.—Naturalists are puzzled to
know why Swallows perch on the telegraph wires.
The reason is perfectly plain—they are sending mes-
sages to say they are coming.
New Classical Translation.—" Qui fit Mcece-
nas ? " Some commentators are of opinion that these
words were, in the first instance, addressed to this emi-
nent Roman by his tailor, and that they ought to be
rendered, " How does it fit, Mjecenas ?
A Fool's Errand.—In the heat of the dog-days a
practical punster, very far gone, went to the Zoological
Gardens, to cool himself at the pole in the vicinity of
the Polar Bear. He complained of having found no
pole near that bear; the only bears that had a pole
being brown bears, and he saw them climb it, but didn't
fael himself at all the cooler.
THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.
June.
June ! Rose-month. The rose I scorn,
Tickles me to trace the thorn.
I, sub-rosu, scan society,
Fools in ever fresh variety.
Ruralizing now the go,
Swells cry " jolly," find it " slow."
Slow ! that acme of the horrid
Swelldom's purgatory. Ton-id
Weather! Row then! Duffers do so.
Picnic,—comfortless as Crusoe.
F oily frisks to merry tune,
In the jocund month of June.
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
for june.
Why did Mr. Curlywig call upon Papa ?
Why did the}' remain talking for two hours ?
WTiy was Mamma sent for ?
Why did Florie cry her eyes out P
Why did Effie say Papa was right ta object ?
Why did Florie, after she had been down to Papa's
study, return smiling ?
Why did Effie look so angry when she told Florie
that she congratulated her ?
Why should that great lanky chap, Curlywig, be
made my brother-in-law ?
1 K S.r.3li.51m 12 T
2 S 's. s. 8h.6in.j 13 1
3 S llSn ,.f.Ti
4 M B Magenta
h Tu Welierd.
(! W Culpea ikn
7 Tli| U. Erivan
|D Jerrold d
picka.ii d.
) S 2Sn.Hf.Tr
■ B. Wilton f-»3S H. l'lassy
Lhd.! 24 S 4 >n Hf.Tr.
. B. N-sehy I 25 .M i IS. Aliiv
Mng Chart, j 26'!T.. Geo. IV. d.
W C..iro ikn.
28 Tl. On.Vict- cr.
20, K St. l'eter
' 30J S | Roscoe d.
. ltfVT.£r , t>£L
WHOM NOT TO MARRY :
Or, Diogenes tlie Younger.
The Lady with a Mission.—She will fill your house
with parsons or professors, lecture you on her pet hobby
when she can get no other audience (which will be
pretty often), consider all your old friends frivolous, and
treat you with supreme contempt if you venture to hint
that you like your dinner punctually, and properly
cooked.
The Lady of Fashion.—She will regard you as an
appendage, a cheque-drawing animal, a useful purveyor
of equipages ana dresses and diamonds and lace, a
person to be ignored as much as possible in Society.
The Millionaire1 s Daughter.—She will persistently
make you aware that it is her house you live in, her
carriage you drive, that the servants are hers, the dinners
hers—that, in fact, she has bought you, and given for
you much more than you are really worth.
The Pious-Parochial Lady.—She will devote all her
time to the distribution of tracts, the inspection of
cottages, the collection of gossip, and interviews with
the Curate. Each Curate will be a more 41 blessed "
man than his predecessor, especially if he have the
shifty eyes, aggressive teeth, narrow forehead, and
shambling knees which modern Curatism has de-
veloped.
The Female Novelist.—She will sit up all night
writing improprieties, and pass all day in town, worrying
publishers, who are at present sad victims of the irre-
pressible petticoat.
The Horsey Woman.—She will laugh at you as a
muff if you don't ride across country, buy " screws "
from her particular friends that you will have to sell
for as many tens as she gave hundreds, and cost you a
fortune in doctors' bills by breaking her collar-bone at
least once every season.
The Gushing Female.—She will devour you with
kisses, to the injury of your shirt-front, or weep on
your bosom, with much the same result. To her either
is equallv delightful.
The Widow.—Diogenes pauses,
great for him. Vide Mr. We
passim.
The theme is too
'eller, Sen., in Pickivick,
Sticking at Nothing.—Fighting shadows.
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1877.
ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS
(For Students and Examiners.)
Q. " Gravity decreases with distance." Explain.
A. Quite true and just so. However stupendous an idiot
a man may be, you cannot very well laugh, at him to his face,
specially if he be a remarkably muscular idiot. When he is
gone, or when you have gone, or when his back is turned,
then he is, as the French say, " pour rire " (which, according
to English soundings, is a particularly happy phrase as
applied to laughing behind any one's back), and when he
is a hundred miles off, you can put off your gravity, which is
an assumed habit, and go into perfect Jits of laughter. Thus
you see how " gravity decreases with distance." Go away, I
want to laugh.
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
for may.
Why do Mamma and the girls go to Court ?
Why does Papa say it's perfectly disgraceful ?
'Why does Mamma smuggle the Dressmaker up the
back stairs ?
"Why do the girls invite all their friends to come and
see them start ?
Why do their friends call Florie and Effie
" frights " when they think I am not listening ?
Why does Effie say that Papa ought to know that
Mr. Curlywig would stand by the carriage in the
Park ?
WThy does Florie ask after Mrs. Rubric ?
Why does Mamma give me some sweeties not to
say anything about the quarrel to Papa ?
THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.
May.
May! A merry month indeed
To Diogenes ! I feed
Full on fooleries, phrenzied, frantic,
Critic cant and cockney centric.
Love to see R.A's. array,
Few can paint, but many pay.
List to Gosling Green's remarks,
Girls' warm gushes,—awful larks!
Fair May buds ? They're few ; but rare
Budding boobies in Mayfair.
On the whole one should be gay
Who hunts fools in town in May.
_ Advertisement for all Fools.—An opera louffle
singer, having lost his voice, advertises a reward for its
recovery.
Birds of Science.—Naturalists are puzzled to
know why Swallows perch on the telegraph wires.
The reason is perfectly plain—they are sending mes-
sages to say they are coming.
New Classical Translation.—" Qui fit Mcece-
nas ? " Some commentators are of opinion that these
words were, in the first instance, addressed to this emi-
nent Roman by his tailor, and that they ought to be
rendered, " How does it fit, Mjecenas ?
A Fool's Errand.—In the heat of the dog-days a
practical punster, very far gone, went to the Zoological
Gardens, to cool himself at the pole in the vicinity of
the Polar Bear. He complained of having found no
pole near that bear; the only bears that had a pole
being brown bears, and he saw them climb it, but didn't
fael himself at all the cooler.
THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.
June.
June ! Rose-month. The rose I scorn,
Tickles me to trace the thorn.
I, sub-rosu, scan society,
Fools in ever fresh variety.
Ruralizing now the go,
Swells cry " jolly," find it " slow."
Slow ! that acme of the horrid
Swelldom's purgatory. Ton-id
Weather! Row then! Duffers do so.
Picnic,—comfortless as Crusoe.
F oily frisks to merry tune,
In the jocund month of June.
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
for june.
Why did Mr. Curlywig call upon Papa ?
Why did the}' remain talking for two hours ?
WTiy was Mamma sent for ?
Why did Florie cry her eyes out P
Why did Effie say Papa was right ta object ?
Why did Florie, after she had been down to Papa's
study, return smiling ?
Why did Effie look so angry when she told Florie
that she congratulated her ?
Why should that great lanky chap, Curlywig, be
made my brother-in-law ?
1 K S.r.3li.51m 12 T
2 S 's. s. 8h.6in.j 13 1
3 S llSn ,.f.Ti
4 M B Magenta
h Tu Welierd.
(! W Culpea ikn
7 Tli| U. Erivan
|D Jerrold d
picka.ii d.
) S 2Sn.Hf.Tr
■ B. Wilton f-»3S H. l'lassy
Lhd.! 24 S 4 >n Hf.Tr.
. B. N-sehy I 25 .M i IS. Aliiv
Mng Chart, j 26'!T.. Geo. IV. d.
W C..iro ikn.
28 Tl. On.Vict- cr.
20, K St. l'eter
' 30J S | Roscoe d.
. ltfVT.£r , t>£L
WHOM NOT TO MARRY :
Or, Diogenes tlie Younger.
The Lady with a Mission.—She will fill your house
with parsons or professors, lecture you on her pet hobby
when she can get no other audience (which will be
pretty often), consider all your old friends frivolous, and
treat you with supreme contempt if you venture to hint
that you like your dinner punctually, and properly
cooked.
The Lady of Fashion.—She will regard you as an
appendage, a cheque-drawing animal, a useful purveyor
of equipages ana dresses and diamonds and lace, a
person to be ignored as much as possible in Society.
The Millionaire1 s Daughter.—She will persistently
make you aware that it is her house you live in, her
carriage you drive, that the servants are hers, the dinners
hers—that, in fact, she has bought you, and given for
you much more than you are really worth.
The Pious-Parochial Lady.—She will devote all her
time to the distribution of tracts, the inspection of
cottages, the collection of gossip, and interviews with
the Curate. Each Curate will be a more 41 blessed "
man than his predecessor, especially if he have the
shifty eyes, aggressive teeth, narrow forehead, and
shambling knees which modern Curatism has de-
veloped.
The Female Novelist.—She will sit up all night
writing improprieties, and pass all day in town, worrying
publishers, who are at present sad victims of the irre-
pressible petticoat.
The Horsey Woman.—She will laugh at you as a
muff if you don't ride across country, buy " screws "
from her particular friends that you will have to sell
for as many tens as she gave hundreds, and cost you a
fortune in doctors' bills by breaking her collar-bone at
least once every season.
The Gushing Female.—She will devour you with
kisses, to the injury of your shirt-front, or weep on
your bosom, with much the same result. To her either
is equallv delightful.
The Widow.—Diogenes pauses,
great for him. Vide Mr. We
passim.
The theme is too
'eller, Sen., in Pickivick,
Sticking at Nothing.—Fighting shadows.