Punch or The London charivari (1.1841)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 25

FOR THE WEEK EXDINO JULY 31, 1941.

POETRY ON AN IMPROVED PRINCIPLE,

TO JOBBING PATRIOTS.

MR. GEORGE ROBINS,
with unparalleled gratification, begs to state that he has it in

Coramanfc

to announce, that in consequence of

lord john" russell's letter
to the citizens of London having satisfactorily convinced her

most gracious majesty

that a change of ministry

cannot

be productive of a corresponding transformation of measures, and th
the late

politico-gladiatorial strugcle

Lax me earnestly implore you, good Mr. Punch, to give publicity
to a new invention in the art of poetry, which I desire only to
claim the merit of having discovered. I am perfectly willing to
permit others to improve upon it, and to bring it to that perfection of
which I am delightedly aware, it is susceptible.

It is sometimes lamented that the taste for poetry is on the decline
— that it is no longer relished—that the public will never again pur-
chase it as a luxury. But it must be some consolation to our modern
poets to know (as no doubt they do, for it is by this time notorious')

that their productions really do a vast deal ot service—that tnev are „__., , c „ __, » , , r . . . ,

Liiai lulu .t j for the guerdon of office could only have emanated from a highly corn-
er „--1., n Jai- nhinh thai' iraro navar noelmiArt I mat_I inocin lYi'inir . ... ... _ P »

of a value for which they were never designed. They—I mean many
of them—have found their way into the pharmacopoeia, and are con-
stantly prescribed by phvsicians as sonorities of rare potency. For
instance—

not poppy, nor mandragora,

mendatory desire on the part of the disinterested and patriotic belligerents

to serve the mselves

or their country,
HIS ROYAL MISTRESS,
ever solicitous to enchain the hearts of her devoted subjects, by an impar-
tial exercise of her prerogative, has determined to submit to the

arbitration of his humble hammer,

some of those desirable places, so long known as the stimuli to the

Nor all the drowsy syrups of the world,
Shall ever usher thee to that sweet sleep "
to which a man shall be conducted by a few doses of Robert Mont

gomery's Devils Elixir, called " Satan," or by a portion, or rather a] lactant lycurgi

potion, of "Oxford." Apollo, we know, was the god of medicine as ! of the nineteenth century,
well as of poetrv. Behold, in this our bard, his two divine functions j LOT 1.

equally mingled !

first lord of the treasury,

me icinaiiv, 'v°°r' r"-V'"vV;', '7' 5>>l_"'"i.* ■ age, comprising the appointments of those valuable legislative adjuncts-

with the public, as pastry, is that he whole frame-work is worn out THE LADIES OF THE BEDCHAMBER, J

No new rhymes can be got at. U hen we come to a mountain," Axn TH£ NrRSES. ■ BR_ ,

But waiving this, of which it was not my intention to speak, let at present in possession of Lord Melbourne. This will be found a moot
remark, that the reason why poetrv will no longer go dow!l eligible investment, as it embraces a considerable extent of female patron-

-' 1 . " . _ _0 . Q rrP ffin>nricm(r J .10 Qnrtninrmonrj r\ r thnoo wa nahla laivi c nfuro aril nnnrJ

and the royal nurses, wet and dry

we are tolerably sure that a 'fountain is not very far off; when together with those household desiderata,
we see '-'sadness," it leads at once to "madness '—to "borrow ' is
sore to be followed by " sorrowand although it is said, " when
poverty comes in at the door, love flies out of the window,"—a
saying which seems to imply that poverty may sometimes enter at
the chimney or elsewhere—yet I assure you, in poetry, "tha poor "
always come in, and always go out at " the door.''

My new invention has closed the "door," for the future, against
the vulgar crew of versifiers. A man must be original. He must
write common sense too—hard exactions I know, but it cannot be
helped.

I transmit you a specimen. Like all great discoveries, the chief
merit of my invention is its simplicity. Lest, however, " the
meanest capacity" (which cannot, by the way, be supposed to be
addicted to Punch) should boggle at it, it may be as well to ex-
plain that every letter of the final word of each alternate line must be
pronounced as though Dilworth himself presided at the perusal; and
that the last letter (or letters) placed in italics will be found to consti-
tute the rhvme. Here, then, we have

a rencontre with a t e a-tot al l e r.

On going forth last night, a friend to see,

I met a man by trade a s-n-o-i ;

Reeling along the path he held his way.

" Ho ! ho ! " quoth I, " he's d-r-u-n-/r."

Then thus to him—" Were it not better, far,

You were a little s-o-b-e-r ?

'Twere happier for your family, I guess,

Than playing off such rum r-i-g-s.

Besides, all drunkards, when policemen see'em,

Are taken up at once by t-h-e-m."

" Me drunk !" the cobbler cried, " the devil trouble you

You want to kick up a blest r-o-!f.

Now, may I never wish to work for Hoby,

If drain I've had ! " (the lying s-n-o-6 .')

I've just return'd from a tee-total party,

Twelve on us jamm'd in a spring c-a.-r-t.

The man as lectured, now, teas drunk ; why, bless ye,

He's sent home in a c-h-a-i-s-p.

He'd taken so much lush into his belly,

I'm blest if he could t-o-dd-/-e.

A pair on 'em—hisself and his good lady ;—■

The gin had got into her h-e-a-rf.

(My eye and Betty ! what weak mortals we are ;

They said they took but ginger b-e-e-r.'j

But as for me, I've stuck ('twas<xather ropy)

All day to weak imperial p-o-p.

And now we've had this little bit o'sparrin',

Just stand a q-u-a-r-t-e-r-n /"

A man in New-York enjoys such very UMelient spirits that he has only
to drink water to intoxicate himself.

coals and candles,

and an unlimited

run of THE royal kitchen.

LOT 2.

secretary of state for the colonial department,

at present occupied by Lord John Russell. This lot must possess con-
siderable attraction for a gastronomical experimentalist, as its present
proprietor has for a long time been engaged in the discovery of how few
pinches of oatmeal and spoonsful of gruel are sufficient for a human
pauper, and will be happy to transfer his data to the next fortunate
proprietor. Any gentleman desirous of embarking in the manufacture of

sugar candy, matches, or cheap bread,

would find this a desirable investment, more particularly should he wish
to form either

a parochial or matrimonial union,

as there are plans for the one, and hints for the other, which will be thrown
into the bargain, being of no further use to the present noble incumbent.

LOT 3.

secretary of state for the home department,

at present the property of Lord Normanby. Is admirably calculated for
any one of a literary turn of mind, offering resources peculiarly adapted
for a proper cultivation of the Jack Sheppard and James Hatfield " men-of-
elegant-crimes " school of novel-writing—the archives of Newgate and
Horsemonger-lane being open at all times to the inspection of the favoured
purchaser.

" yes" or "no "
wiil determine the sale of this desirable lot in a few days.

LOT 4.

secretary of state for foreign affairs,

now in the occupancy of Lord Palmerston. Possesses advantages rarely
to be met with. From its connexion with the continental powers, Eau de
Cologne, bear's grease, and cosmetics of unrivalled excellence, can be
procured at all times, thus insuring the favour of the divine sex,
" From the rich peasant-cheek of bronze,

And large black eyes that flash on you a volley
Of rays, that say a thousand things at once,
To the high dama's brow more melancholy."
The only requisite (besides money) for this desirable lot is, that the pur-
chaser must write a bold round hand for

protocols,

understand French and Chinese, and be an

expert turner.

LOT 5.

several under secretaryships,

admirably adapted for younger sons and poor relatives.

The whole of the proceeds (by the advice of her Majesty's Cabinet
Council) will be devoted to the erection of a

union for decayed ministers.

Cards to view may be had at the Treasury any day after tha meeting of
Parliament.

"Very like a whale ! " as the schoolmaster said when he examined tho
kax's back after severely flogging him.