Punch or The London charivari (1.1841)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

145

fOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 9, 1341.

A MANUAL OF DENOUEMENTS.

' In the king's name,
Let fall your swords and daggers."—Critic.

MEL O-D RAMA is a theatrical dose
in two or three acts, according to the
strength of the constitution of the audience.
Its component parts are a villain, a lover,
a heroine, a comic character, and an exe-
cutioner. These having simmered and
macerated through all manner of events,
are st rained off together into the last scene ;
and the effervescence which then ensues is
called the denouement, and the denouement
is the soul of the drama.

Denouements are of three kinds :—The
natural, the unnatural, and the super-
natural.

The "natural" is achieved when no
probabilities are violated ;—that is, when the circumstances are such as
really might occur—if we could only bring ourselves to think so—as, (ejr.gr.)

When the villain, being especially desirous to preserve and secrete cer-
tain documents of vital importance to himself and to the piece, does, most
unaccountably, mislay them in the most conspicuous part of the stage, and
straightway they are found by the very last member of the dram. pers. in
whose hands he would like to see them.

When the villain and his accomplice, congratulating each other on the
•uccessful issue of their crimes, and dividing the spoil thereof (which they
are always careful to do in a loud voice, and in a room full of closets), are
suddenly set upon and secured by the innocent yet suspected and con-
demned parties, who are at that moment passing on their way to execution.

When the guiltless prisoner at the bar. being asked for his defence, and
having no witnesses to call, produces a checked handkerchief, and subpoenas
his own conscience, which has such an effect on the villain, that he swoons,
and sees demons in the jury-box, and tells them that " he is ready," and
that " he comes," &c. &c. '

PUNCH'S GUIDE TO THE WATERING PLACE S.— No. 1-

BRIGHTON

If you are either in a great hurry, or tired of life, book yourself
by the Brighton railroad, and you are ensured one of two tilings
—arrival in two hours, or destruction by that rapid process known
in America as " immortal smash," which brings you to the end oi
your journey before you get to the terminus. Should you fortunately
meet with the former result, and finish your trip without ending your
mortal career, you find the place beset with cads and omnibuses,
which are very convenient; for if your hotel or boarding-house be at
the extremity of the town, you would have to walk at least half a mile
but for such vehicles, and they only charge sixpence, with the addi-
tional advantage of the Great chance of your luggage beinc lost. If
you be a married man, you will go to an hotel where you can get a
bed for half-a-guinea a night, provided you do not want it warmed,
and use your own soap; but it is five shillings extra if you do.
Should you be a bachelor, or an old maid, you, of course, put up at
a boarding-house, where you see a great deal of good society at two
guineas a week ; for every third man is a captain, and every fifth
woman " my lady." There, too, you observe a continual round of
courtship going on ; for it comes in with the coffee, and continues during
every meal. " Marriages," it is said, "are made in heaven"—good
matches are always got up at meal-times in Brighton boarding-houses.

Brighton is decidedly a fishing-town, for besides the quantity of
John Dorys caught there, it is a celebrated place for pursey half-pay
officers to angle in for rich widows. The bait they generally use
consists of dyed whiskers, and a distant relationship t i some of the
'■ gentles" or nobles of the land. The town itself is built upon the

When the deserter, being just about to be shot, is miraculously saved by j downs—a series of hills, which those in the habit of walking over
his mistress, who cuts the matter very fine indeed, by rushing in between j them arg tQ ^ „ and dowps» It consists entirely of hotels,
"present' and " fire ; and, having ejaculated " a reprieve ! with all her I 1 1 , ' .

might, falls down, overcome by fatigue—poor dear! as well she may—having ! boarding-houses, and bathing-machines, with a pavilion and a chain-
run twenty-three miles in the changing of a scene, and carried her baby on I pier. The amusements are various, and of a highly intellectual cha-
her arm all the blessed way, in order to hold him up in the tableau at the end.

N.B.—Whenever married people rescue one another as above, the " de-
nouement''1 belongs to the class " unnatural; " which is used when the author
wishes to show the intensity of'his invention—as, [ex gr. again)

W hen an old man, having been wounded fatally by a young man, requests,
as a boon, to be permitted to examine the young man's neck, who, accord-
ingly unloosing his cravat, displays a hieroglyphic neatly engraved thereon,
which the old man interprets into his being a parricide, and then dies, leav-
ing the young man in a state of histrionic stupor.

When a will is found embellished with a Daguerreotype of four fingers and
a thumb, done in blood on the cover, and it turns out that the residuary
legatee is no better than he should be—but. on the contrary, a murderer
nicely ripe for killing.

The "supernatural" denouement is the last resource of a bewildered
dramatist, and introduces either an individual in green scales and wings to
match, who gives the audience to understand that he is a fiend, and that he
has private business to transact below with the villain ; who, accordingly,

withdraws in his company, with many throes and groans, down the trap. 1110Se 10 ^J1UI" DrlS

Or a pale ghost in dingy lawn, apparently afflicted with a serious haemor-
rhage in the bosom, who appears to a great many people, running, in dreams ;
and at last joins the hands of the young couple, and puts in a little plea of
her own for a private burial.

And there are many other variations of the three great classes of denoue-
ments ; such as the helter-skelter nine-times-round-the-stage-combat, :;nd
the grand mSlee in which everybody kills everybody else, and leaves the piece
to be carried on by their executors ; but we dare unveil the mystery no
further.

racter: the chief of them being a walk from the esplanade to the east
cliff, and a promenade back again from the east cliff to the esplanade.
Donkey-races are in full vogue, insomuch that the highways are
thronged with interesting animals, decorated with serge-trappings and
safety-saddles, and interspersed with goat-carts and hired flys. There
is a library, where the visiters do everything but read; and a theatre,
where—as Charles Kean is now playing there—they do anything but
act. The ladies seem to take great delight in the sea-bath, and that
they may enjoy the luxury in the most secluded privacy, the machines
are placed as near to the pier as possible. This is always crowded
with men, who, by the aid of opera glasses, find it a pleasing pastime
to watch the movements of the delicate Naiads who crowd the waters.

Those to whom Brighton is recommended for change of air and of
scene get sadly taken in, for here the air—like that of a barrel-orgaii
—never changes, as the wind is always high. In sunshine, Brighton
always looks hot; in moonshine, eternally dreary ; the men are yawn-
ing all day long, and the women sitting smirking in bay-windows, or
walking with puppy-dogs and parasols, which last they are continu-
ally opening and shutting. In short, when a man is sick of the
world, or a maiden of forty-five has been so often crossed in love as
to be obliged to leave off hoping against hope, Brighton is an excel-
lent place to prepare him or her for a final retirement from life—

,en-,tLiefhptd Roebfuck .to ,?'C°nf]1- "double-face wheiher that is contemplated in the Queen's Bench, a convent,
penalties, he is a great genius." A great Janus indeed, answered .mix.
the liberathor. a residence among the \V elsh mountains, or the monastery of La

sporting face.

" a ring ! a ring ! ! "

The political pugilistic scrimmage which recently took place in the
House of Congress so completely coincides with the views and propensities
of the " universal scrimmage " member for Bath, that he intends making a
motion for the erection of a twenty-four-foot-ring on the floor of the House,
for the benefit of opposition members. The Speaker, says Roebuck, will,
in that case, be enabled to ascertain whether the " noes" or " ayes " have
It, without tellers.

Trappe, a month's probation in Brighton, at the height of the season,
being well calculated to make any such change not only endurable^

but agreeable.

custom-house sale. lot i.-a tokt.

Fok sale, Thorwaldsen's Bvion, rich in beauty,
Because his country owes, and will not pay, "doty.