Punch (9.1845)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

managed 9- "Why, plain enough. Of course, you packed the cards, and i better, there is always the police to fall back upon. By-the-way, as the
could cut what you liked. You'd settled that, hetween you. Yes ; and j police cannot be in every kitchen at once, it might answer the purpose
v?hen she played a trick, instead of leading off a trump—she play i of thf female servants throughout London, to establish police sweeps,

whist, indeed!—what did you say to her, when she found it was
wrong? Oh—It was impossible that her heart should mistake ! And
this, Mr. Caudle, before people—with your own wife in the room !

"And Miss Prettymav—I won't hold my tongue. I will talk of
Miss Prettvman : who's she, indeed, that I shouldn't talk of her?
I suppose she thinks she sings ? "What do you say ? She sings like a
mermaid 9 Yes, very—Tery like a mermaid : for she never sings,
but she exposes herself. She might, I think, have chosen another
song. '/ love somebody] indeed ; as if I did'ntknow who was meant by
that' somebody'; and all the room knew it, of course ; and that was
what it was done for—nothing else.

" Howevei, Mr. Caudle, as my mind's made up, I shall say no
more about the matter to-night, but try to go to sleep."

"And to my astonishment and gratitude," writes Caudle, "she
kept her word."

PUNCH'S GUIDE TO SERVANTS.

PRELIMINARY CHAPTER.

to be given to servants
in general. The choice
of a mistress requires as
much judgment as the
choice of poultry ; and
you should be careful
not to pick out a very
old bird in either case.

on the principle of the Derby lotteries, or the Art-Union. Each sub-
scriber might draw a number, and if the number happened to be that
of the policeman on duty, she would be entitled to him as a beau, during
a specified period.

Always stipulate for beer-money, and propose it less for your own
advantage than as a measure of economy to your mistress, urging that
when there is beer in the house it is very likely to get wasted. You will,
of course, have the milk in your eye when proposing this arrangement.

Tea and sugar must not be much insisted on, for they are now seldom
given, but this does not prevent them from being very frequently taken.

Having said thus much by way of preliminary advice, we commence
our guides to service with

THE MAID OF ALL-WORK.

On arriving in your new place you get from the servant who is going
away the character of your new mistress. She has already had yours,
and you have a right to know hers, which, as it is given by a domestic,
who is most probably discharged, will, of course, be a very bad one.

When your predecessor has taken her departure, your mistress may,
perhaps, come into the kitchen and tell you what you will have to do, or,
at least, a part of it. She will show you the bells, and tell you which is
the house bell, which the parlour bell, which the drawing-room bell, and
which are the bells of the different bed-rooms ; but she will not tell you
etty, " first catch your fish" how you are to answer them when they are all ringing at once, which may
is a golden rule for a occasionally happen. As it will probably be late when you arrive, you
cook, and first catch j will have to carry up the tray for supper, wheD you will be stared at, and
your situation is a very , scrutinised as the new servant, by the whole of the family. Let us now
necessary piece of advice | look at your wardrobe. Two of each article will be enough, for if the

washing is done once a week you have a change ; but if only once in three
weeks you must contrive to supply yourself with the smaller articles, such
as stockings and pocket handkerchiefs, from the family stock of linen.

As a maid of all work, you have the great advantage of being a good
deal alone, and can therefore indulge in the pleasures of philosophy.
You can light the fires, and think of Hobbes. Fasten the hall-door, and
recollect some passage in Locke. Or broil the ham for breakfast while
wrapped up in Bacon.

The best market to go to You should rise early if you can, but if you cannot you must make up
in order to suit yourself for it by hurrying'over your work as quickly as possible. As warm
is a servant's bazaar— j water will be wanted up stairs, don't stop to light the kitchen fire, but
as it is called—where throw on two or three bundles of wood, and set them all burning at once,
mistresses are always when you will have some hot water immediately. Run into the parlour
on view for servants to 1 and open the shutters, light the fire, cut the bread and butter, clean the
select from. On being | shoes, make the toast; and when this is on the table, devote any time
shown up to a lady, you 1 you may have to spare to sweeping the carpet.

should always act and \ Now the family having come down to breakfast you may light the kitchen

fire, and then run up and make the beds. After which you may sit down
to your own breakfast, having previously, of course, taken the opportunity
of helping yourself to tea and sugar from the tea-caddy.

You may now go up stairs, professedly to sweep the bedrooms, but really
closely as to the com- to look out of window, and if the street is a narrow one talk to the servant
pany she keeps, and the j opposite. Besides, looking out of window saves time, for you are able to

answer the fifty people who come to the door in the course of the morn-
ing with hair-brooms, apples, carpets and rugs, tapes and stay-lacee.

Being in a new place, you will be naturally curious to examine all the
cupboards and drawers up-stairs, but do not be too inquisitive at first,
for you will have other opportunities for a good rummage.

You will now come down to cook the dinner ; but, as this is another
branch of service, we proceed to tell you how to lay the table. Lay the
knives and forks, taking the latter from the plate-basket, where they will
be kept, though they are probably only Britannia metal or German silver ;
nevertheless, call it " the plate," as it will gratify your mistress.

If the family should be addicted to display, without means, you will
have to set round doyleys and wine-glasses, with a decanter containing
a remnant of British wine, which will not be touched, but will be brought
on " for the look of the thing " every day after dinner. The time has
now arrived for your own meal, and make the most of it. Secure all
the tit-bits, and if you cannot manage to get through the whole of them
at dinner, put away part of them for supper.

About this time the afternoon's milk will arrive, and if you have beer-
money you will take some of the milk out for your own use, taking care
and are ever called upon to fulfil your promises, it is easy to say you did j to fill up with warm water, so that you do not cheat your mistress of her
not exactly understand you would be expected to do this, or that ; and quantity. You will be in the middle of washing up your dishes, when the
as people generally dislike changing, you will, most probably, be able to \ family will want tea, and you will have just sat down to your own tea,
retain your place. when you will probably be asked to do some mending. The best way to

When asked if you are fond of children, you should not be content with t put a stop to this is to turn sulky, do the work badly, or express the
saying simply " yes," but you should indulge in a sort of involuntary, ! greatest surprise, declaring that all the time you have been out to service
■• Bless their little hearts!" which has the double advantage of appearing to you never, &c, and would be glad to know who on earth, &c, &c, &c.
mean everything, while it really pledges you to nothing. Never stick out You must not forget to cultivate your mind, and for this purpose you

talk as if you were hir-
ing her, instead of want-
ing to be hired. You
should examine her

number of her family
when, if there is any insuperable objection—such as the absence of
a footman, a stipulation against perquisites, a total prohibition of a
grease-pot, or a denial of the right of visit, by a refusal to allow followers—
in either or all of these cases, it will be as well to tell " the lady" plainly
that you must decline her situation. It is a good general rule to be the
first to give a refusal, and, when you find you are not likely to suit the
place, a bold assertion that the place will not suit you, prevents any com-
promise of your dignity. If you like the appearance and manner
of the party requiring your assistance, but with some few con-
cessions to be made, the best way to obtain them will be by declaring
that you never heard of any " lady " requiring—whatever it may be that
you have set your face against. By laying a stress on the word " lady,"
you show your knowledge of the habits of the superior classes ; and as
the person hiring you will probably wish to imitate their ways, she will
perhaps take your hint as to what a " lady " ought to do, and dispense
with conditions, which, on your authority, are pronounced unlady-like.
If a situation seems really desirable you should evince a willingness, and
profess an ability, to do anything, and everything. If you get the place,

for followers, if they are objected to ; though you may ask permission
for a cousin to come and see you ; and as you do not say which cousin,
provided only one comes at a time, you may have half-a-dozen to visit
you Besides, if J' e worst comes to the worst, and you cannot do any

had better take in the "Penny Magazine," and if you read it through every
week, your head at the end of the year will be full of volcanic rocks, the
solar system, primary strata, electric eels, organic remains, and hints for
preserving gooseberries.