Punch (9.1845)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

35

REASONS

WHY I SHALL NOT SEND MY SON, GUSTAVUS FREDERIC,
TO TRINITY COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE.

by mr. PUNCH.

The young men of Trinity College, Cambridge, assume greater rank
than the members of other colleges in that University. They wear blue
gowns while other youths wear black; they number more noblemen and
fellow-commoners than all the University put together ; they call all the
rest of the world " small college-men." Old Lickspittle, from Baker
Street, sends Young Lickspittle to Trinity that he may form " connec-
tions " there, and become acquainted with sucking lords, with whom he
may walk down Pall Mall in after life.

And yet, from accounts which reach me, I won't send my son Gus-
tavus Frederic Forrester Chesterfield D'Orsay Punch to Trinity;!
I wish Gustavcs Frederic to see good society, certainty, but not at such
a price as he must pay under Dr. Whewell's Mastership.

Suppose Dr. Whewell were to take a fancy to that dear child, as I
have no doubt he would ; he would invite him to the lodge to tea, which
is a very wholesome drink for my darling boy. But he would not be
allowed to sit down and drink it. No ; the Master of Trinity does
ngt allow undergraduates to sit down before him. If a raw lad dares j
to take a chair, there's a kind sub-tutor in the way, who whispers to the I
young gentleman this wish of the master.

I wouldn't have my Gustavus Frederic go into any company where he
•is considered unworthy to sit down. His legs are strong, but I won't
'have them tried in that way.

Even when I see ladies and gentlemen standing behind Prince Albert
and Her Majesty, I blush. To be a flunky after all is not an honour-
able position—to be a flunky and stand behind even a Queen. I pity the
.poor devils of White Rods and Aides-de-camp when I see them at the
Opera, and the Prince in his chair. I feel ashamed somehow.

And if ashamed of a gentleman standing before a prince, how much
more of a gentleman standing before a Dr. Whewell !—The Doctor has
written a Bridgewater treatise, and I'm sure only acts from humility ;
it is for his office sake, and not for his own, that he degrades young
gentlemen so ; and I've no doubt when Her Majesty was at, Trinity
Lodge, he gave the Queen his arm, or walked before her, as Doctor
Busby did before King Charles. But my beloved boy's proud spirit j
would burst over the lodge muffins and tea, if obliged to swallow them i
■standing. He has not been accustomed to take his victuals in that way ;\
no, nor to stand before any person—not even his own father.

And suppose I were to go down to see him. His tutor would ask me

'to dine in the hall, no doubt, as Mr. S-asked Mr. Jerdan and aj

party the other day. Doctor Whewell sees a party of distingue- i

looking fellows dining with Mr. S-,and inviteshimand his friends to the

lodge. But he hears that in the party is a literary gentleman by the name of
Punch, on which the Master writes a letter, to say—" Dear S., I expect
all your party except Mr. Punch." Dr. Whewell did this the other
day to the editor of another eminent literary periodical.

Suppose such a thing were to happen to me, what would Gustavus
Frederic do ? What would I do! I might be angry. I might use
strong language. I shudder to think what 1 might say or do.

Neither of us can afford to mix with good society at that price ; and
therefore, as long as the Master of Trinity maintains his present opinions, '
Gustayus Frederic shall be a small college-man.

THE EUREKA.

If the Eureka can realty do what it professes to do, and put words
mechanically into poetry correct as to meaning and metre, what an
•invaluable discovery it will prove to all classes of society, but particularly
to politicians. The idea is so invigorating, that it has inspired us with
the following

EPIGRAM.

Such an invention were, indeed, a treasure,
Since there would be no longer a pretence

For Peel's not bringing in a perfect measure,
And for poor Sibthorp's never talking sense.

How ministers would hail it in due season,

If by its potent aid they could but reach
The art of putting either rhyme or reason—

Or both together—in the royal speech !

the last political step.

Great things have been said of Tagltoni's pas de caractare. But they
are not to be compared to Mr. Fitzroy Kelly's. Why ? His pas de
caraclere is so notorious that it has actually got him a position in the
cabinet!

APPALLING- FAMINE AT GRAVESEND.

Last Sunday a scene occurred at this favoured spot,—a scene unparal
leled in the memories of the oldest butcher and baker. Half London
having emptied itself into the town, neither bite nor sup was to be had
after 1 p. m. Five shillings were freely offered—so thronged was the
place—for a three-legged stool ; and door-steps had lively purchasers at
half-a-crown the fourteen inches. We saw many respectable families
seated on the hot pavement; and being under a vertical sun, were in
many instances heard as if slowly grilling.

Ginger-beer never went up so in the memory of man ; rising per bottle
as high as three shillings.

The heads and tails of shrimps went at two-and-sixpence a pint.

We are informed—though we do not vouch for the truth of the report
—that three mice were sold at eighteenpence a-piece, and cooked for a
stockbroker.

,A pious and respectable family were detected breaking into the larder
of the rector. We are not yet at liberty to give their names.

An Italian boy sold a live tortoise for a sovereign, to make mock-turtle
for a common councilman.

Pigeons were pelted with five shilling pieces, and in several instances
brought dead to the ground, and broiled on the flags.

A very respectable bald-headed attorney, happily having some parch-
ment deeds about him, soaked them in brandy-and-water (which he
providentially carried in a pocket-pistol), and then divided them among
his exhausted family; thereby unconsciously, but no less beautifully,
realising the fable of the pelican feeding with its own blood its own little
ones.

There were other cases of equal horror ; but out of decent respect to
the sensibilities of our readers, we reluctantly suppress them.

Kindred Spirits.

Some persons are fond of comparing Queen Victoria with Queen
Elizabeth. In one point the resemblance is perfect—and that is, the
patronage of both for the English Drama. The age of Elizabeth pro-
duced a William Shakspere — that of Victoria is already immortal
with the name of Alfred Bunn ! But let Her Majesty only persevere
in her frequent visits to the French plays, and her name will assuredly
go down to posterity with those of Scribe, St. Georges, Dumas, Leuven,
and Brunswick—names far surpassing in lustre those of Ford, Beaumont
and Fletcher, Marlowe, and Ben Jonson, which only throw a rushlight
glow on the reign of Elizabeth.

*

legal intelligence.
The statement as to the office of Advocate-General at Bengal having
been declined by eight learned gentlemen at the bar, has created a very
considerable sensation in the back-rows of V/estminster Hall; and a distin-
guished stuff gown has sent in a tender to the government, with a ssmple
of his eloquence, comprising a speech delivered at the Old Bn.uey 3n a
celebrated murder case. It is whispered that there are political reasons
| for not offering the appointment to Mr. Briefless., who is going about
| calling himself a blighted flower.