Punch (9.1845)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

63

MRS. CAUDLE'S CURTAIN LECTURES.

LECTURE XXVII.

MRS. CAUDLE RETURNS TO HER NATIVE LAND. " UNMANLY cru-
ELTY" OF CAUDLE, WHO HAS REFUSED "TO SMUGGLE A FEW
THINGS " FOR HER.

here, it isn't often that I ask you to do
anything for me, Mr. Caudle, goodness
knows ! and when I do, I'm always
refused—of course. Oh yes ! anybody
but your own lawful wife. Every other
husband aboard the boat could behave
like a husband—but I was left to shift
for myself. To be sure, that's nothing
new ; I always am. Every other man,
worthy to be called a man, could smuggle
a few things for his wife—but I might
as well be alone in the world. Not one
poor half-dozen of silk stockings could
you put in your hat for me ; and every-
body else was rolled in lace, and I don't
know what. Eh? "What, Mr. Caudle? What do I want with silk
stockings? Well,—it's come to something now ! There was a time,
I believe, when I had a foot—yes, and an ankle, too : but when once
a woman's married, she has nothing of the sort; of course. No:
I'm not a cherub, Mr. Caudle ; don't say that. I know very well
what I am.

" I dare say now, you'd have been delighted to smuggle for Miss
Prettyman? Silk stockings become her ! You wish Miss Prettyman
was in the moon ? Not you, Mr. Caudle ; that's only your art—your
hypocrisy. A nice person too she'd be for the moon : it would be
none the brighter for her being in it, I know. And when you saw
the Custom House officers look at me, as though they were piercing
me through, what was your conduct ? Shameful. You twittered
about, and fidgetted, and flushed up as if I really teas a smuggler.
So I was? What had that to do with it? It wasn't the part of a
husband, I think, to fidget in that way, and show it. You couldn't
help it ? Humph! And you call yourself a person of strong mind,
I believe ? One of the lords of the creation ! Ha! ha ! Couldn't
j help it f

" But I may do all I can to save the money, and this is always my
reward. Yes, Mr. Caudle, I shall save a great deal. How much ?
I sha'n't tell you : I know your meanness—you'd want to stop it out
of the house-allowance. No: it's nothing to you where I got the
money from to buy so many things. The money was my own. "Well,
and if it was yours first, that's nothing to do with it. No ; I hav'n't
saved it out of the puddings. But it's always the woman who saves
who's despised. It's only your fine-lady wives who 're properly
thought of. If I was to ruin you, Caudle, then you'd think
something of me.

" I sha'n't go to sleep. It's very well for you who 're no sooner in
bed, than you're fast as a church ; but I can't sleep in that way.
It 's my mind keeps me awake. And, after all, I do feel so happy
to-night, it's very hard I can't enjoy my thoughts. No: I can't
think in silence! There's much enjoyment in that, to be sure! I've
ne doubt bow you could listen to Miss Prettyman—oh, I don't
care, I will speak. It was a little more than odd, I think, that she
should be on the jetty when the boat came in. Ha ! she'd been
looking for you all the morning with a telescope, I've no doubt—
she's bold enough for anything. And then how she sneered and
giggled when she saw me,—and said 'how fat I'd got:' like her
impudence, I think. "What! Well she might ? But I know what she
wanted ; yes—she'd have liked to have had me searched. She laughed
on purpose.

"I only wish I'd taken two of the dear girls with me. What
things I could have stitched about 'em ! No—I'm not ashamed of
myself to make my innocent children smugglers : the more innocent
they looked, the better ; but there you are with what you call your
principles again ; as if it wasn't given to everybody by nature to
smuggle. I'm sure of it—it's born with us. And nicely I've
cheated 'em this day. Lace, and velvet, and silk stockings, and other
things,—to say nothing of the tumblers and decanters. No : I
didn't look as if I wanted a direction, for fear somebody should break
me. That's another of what you call your jokes ; but you should
keep 'em for those who like 'em. I don't

* What have I made, af'er all ? I've told you—you shall never

know. Yes, I know you'd been fined a hundred pounds if they 'a
searched me ; but I never meant that they should. I dare say you
wouldn't smuggle—oh no ! you don't think it worth your while
You 're quite a conjuror, you are, Caudle. Ha ! ha ! ha ! W/ia'
am I laughing at ? Oh, you little know—such a clever creature ! Ha .
ha! Well, now, I'll tell you. I knew what an unaccommodating
creature you were, so I made you smuggle whether or not. How 1
Why, when you were out at the Cafe, I got your great rough coat,
and if I didn't stitch ten yards of best black velvet under the lining
I'm a sinful woman ! And to see how innocent you looked when
the officers walked round and round you ! It was a happy moment,
Caudle, to see you.

"What doyoucallit? A shamefid trick,—unworthy of a wife? Icouldn't
care*much for you ? As if I didn't prove that, by trusting you with
ten yards of velvet. But I don't care what you say: I've saved
everything—all but that beautiful English novel, that I've forgot
the name of. And if they didn't take it out of my hand, and cut it
to bits like so much dog's-meat. Served me right ? And when I so
seldom buy a book ! No : I don't see how it served me right. If
yrou can buy the same book in France for four shillings that people
here have the impudence to ask more than a guinea for—well, if
they do steal it, that's their affair, not ours. As if there was any-
thing in a book to steal !

"And now, Caudle, when are you going home? What? Our
time isn't up. That's nothing to do with it. If we even lose a week's
lodging—and we mayn't do that—we shall save it again in living.
But you 're such a man ! Your home's the last place with you.
I'm sure I don't get a wink of a night, thinking what may happen.
Three fires last week ; and any one might as well have been at our
house as not. No—they mightn't? Well, you know what I mean—
but you 're such a man !

" I 'in sure, too, we've had quite enough of this place. But
there's no keeping you out of the libraries, Caudle. You're
getting quite a gambler. And I don't think it's a nice example to
set to your children, raffling as you do for French clocks and I don't
know what. But that's not the worst ; you never win anything.
Oh, I forgot. Yes; a needle-case, that under my nose you gave to
Miss Prettyman. A nice thing for a married man to make
presents : and to such a creature as that, too. A needle-case ! I
wonder whenever she has a needle in her hand !

"I know I shall feel ill with anxiety if I stop here. Nobody left
in the house but that Mrs. Closepeg. And she is. such a stupid
woman. It was only last night that I dreamt I saw our cat quite a
skeleton, and the canary stiff on its back at the' bottom of the cage.
You know, Caudle, I'm never happy when I'm away from home ;
and yet you will stay here. No, home's my comfort; I never want
to stir over the threshold, and you know it. If thieves were to
break in, what could that Mrs. Closepeg do against 'em ? And so,
Caudle, you'll go home on Saturday ? Our dear—dear home ? On
Saturday, Caudle ?"

"What I answered," says Caudle, " I forget ; but I know that
on the Saturday, we were once again shipped on board the Red
Rover."

REFORM OF THE BAR.

We are happy to state that the barristers of the Oxford Circuit have, at
length, resolved to vindicate the dignity of the Bar, and to show a bright
example to the whole of their silver-tongued and unsophisticated brethren.
They have come to an expressed resolution that it is beneath the character
of any of them " to report law proceedings for the press." And following
up this beginning in the right path, they have also resolved, that if it
shall happen that any counsel receive a retaining fee to conduct a case
which, from a press of business, he shall be unable to advocate, it will
henceforth be considered a breach of the merest every-day honesty not
to return the money. Indeed, it is said that this resolution is to_ have a
retrospective effect, in which case considerable sums must be paid back.
We shall be happy to advertise the day on which learned gentlemen
propose to disgorge.

Reproving; tne Tollies of the Age.

When anything very outrageous or ridiculous is built, it is generally
called in the neighbourhood "A Folly." Thus we have throughout
England a number of architectural absurdities, known as " Brtggs s
Folly." "Jones's Folly," " Thompson's Folly," &c. But the greatest
folly of all in the building way is unquestionably ^Trafalgar Square.
Might it not be ealied henceforth " England's Folly " I