Punch (9.1845)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 69

PUNCH'S GUIDE TO SERVANTS.

THE LADY'S-MAID.

Ladies'-Maids are "he rarest articles of female domestic service, and
being in the nature of luxuries, are the best paid. They are to cooks
and housemaids what the pine-apple vs to the pomme de terre, and for this
pine-like superiority of station many are doomed to pine in vain. The
statistics of female service give us a million maids as the grand total, and
deducting three-eighths for servants-of-all-work, two-eighths for cooks,
three-sixteenths for housemaids, and one-eighth for nurses, we have a
surplus of one-sixteenth for ladies'-maids, which will be about a fair
average.

Servants belonging to this superior class should be able to read and
write. It is good practice in the former accomplishment to read ail the
notes sent to your mistress, and the little motto wafers, now in use, seem
invented to facilitate this arrangement, for they never adhere to the
envelope.

You will probably have the charge of your mistress's apartments.
Never suffer anything to lie about, and, therefore, you should pocket any
trifle that is left carelessly out of its place. I do not mean to say you
should become a thief, for, if found out, you would lose your place and
your character, but you may take care of a thing till it is missed, and
when it is wanted, it will of course be asked for. It is then time
enough for you to find it in some hole or corner, into which it has of
course got by accident. Your lady's dressing-box will be under your
care. See that the scent-bottles are always well supplied, which you can
only ascertain by taking a little out of them for your own use very
frequently.

You should endeavour at all times to save your
mistress trouble by acting for her as much as you
can ; and in order to do this effectually, you should
dress as much like her as possible. Order about
other servants just as she would herself, and talk to
tradespeople exactly as if they were being spoken to
by your mistress, of whom you are the representative.
Of course the closer the representation you give of
her, the more exact are you in the performance of
your duty.

Some ladies'-maids are expected to mend their ladies' clothes ; but no
lady, that is a lady, ought to wear any clothes that have been mended.
You should try and persuade her to be of the same opinion, by which
you will not only save yourself the trouble of mending, but you will
come in for many things much sooner than you could otherwise hope to
do. The author of the proverb, that " a stitch Ln time saves nine," no
doubt thought himself very clever ; but if avoiding trouble is the object,
it stands to reason that though " a stitch in time saves nine," it must be a
greater saving still never to put a stitch in anything.

If your mistress will make you work at your needle, put a novel on
your lap, so that you may read and work at the same time. If you are
asked to cut out a body, make a bungling job of it, that you may not be
asked to do the same thing again. If you cut out anybody it should be
the lady's-maid next door, with which your ambition ought to be satisfied.

Taking out marks from linen is an essential part of the duties of a
lady's-maid. Some practise themselves in this art by taking out the
initials of their mistress and substituting their own ; but this is a
dangerous experiment.

It is said in a good little work,* that " when for the first time you stand
behind your mistress's chair to brush her hair, you may feel that you are
placed in a situation of high trust." This," however, depends upon
circumstances ; for if your mistress dyes her hair, it is a great mark of
her confidence to ask you to brush it. If she wears false braids, she is,
to a certain extent, in your power ; for, as the poet says—

" Should she upbraid,"

you might betray her ; but if she is almost bald, and wears a wig, from
the moment of your being entrusted to stand behind her chair and brush
her hair, you may do what you please with her.

If, in the story of Faustus, Margaret had worn a wig, and Mephis
tophiles had seen her but once without it, the power of the fiend over
her would have been irresistible.

In your position of lady's-maid, many family secrets will perhaps com*
to your knowledge. Do not talk of them to your fellow-servants, which
would, in fact, be destroying your own valuable monopoly. A servant
who knows a great deal of the family affairs cannot be cheaply parted
with. You will be secure in your place, and will therefore be in a
position to make the most of all its advantages.

The little work we have already alluded to says, that if the lady's-maid
is depressed in spirits, " she should open her mind to the friend, whoever
it may be, that got her the place." This friend is usually the keeper of a
servants' office, who would have enough to do if she were made to bear
the infliction of all the unbosomings of all the discontented servants she
may have found situations for. This mode of easiug your heart would

involve the necessity of constantly running out, besides the espense of an
occasional omnibus.

Manners form an essential part of the qualities of a lady's-maid,
and making one's self agreeable is the best mannered thing one
can possibly accomplish. This is to be done by praise, for nothing is
more agreeable to a lady than flattery. However
sensible your mistress may be, she is sure to have
a share of female vanity ; and even if she knows
herself to be ugly altogether, she will fancy she
has some redeeming feature. If she squints, praise
her complexion ; if that is bad, tell her she has
beautiful eyes : if she has a dumpty figure, praise her
face; and if her countenance is as ugly as sin, tell
her that her shape is exquisite. Some people will
tell you that sensible women don't like flattery ;
but this you must not believe ; for, however sen-
sible they are, they are pleased by it, particularly
when it is administered with so much art as to
seem not intended for mere compliment. Very
palpable praise is insulting to the generality of
ladies ; but flattery can scarcely be too gross for
some few of them. You should study the character
of your mistress, that you may not run the risk of
offending her by too much praise, or hurting her
by giving too little. Your mistress will sometimes
take a journey, and you will then have to pack
her things for her. The following directions for
packing a lady's portmanteau may, therefore, be of use to you:—
Put the lighter dresses at the bottom, for these will not be wanted while
travelling ; and artificial flowers, wreaths, &c, may go along with them.
Insert next a layer of dress caps, and ram well down with heavy dresses,
to keep the others in their places. Throw in a sprinkling of shoes, and
then add the rest of the wardrobe ; cramming in the marking-ink and the
desk at the top, where they are easily got at if they are wanted. Thrust
in scissors and hair-brushes anywhere that you can find room for them.
Get the footman to cord the box, for it will be a good romp for you, as
well as a great assistance.

By following these instructions, you will find that you have a tolerably
snug place of it.

HEARTS, HANDS, AND SHILLINGS.

Daniel O'Connell, the other day, addressing a mob which he had
convened at Gal way, is reported to have expressed himself as follows :—

" I want every man's shilling, and I will tell you why ; because there
is a heart and hand behind every shilling. I want the hearts and hands
of every man."

We have no doubt that Mr. O'Connell wants every man's shilling ;
and we wish we could say as much of every other as ertion that has been
made by that gentleman. In particular, we should be very glad if we
could believe the sequel to this very statement. How difficult it seems to
be to the Agitator to utter an entirely credible sentence ! He says that
he wants every man's shilling, because there is a heart and a hand
behind the coin in question.

O'Connell is not a simpleton, whatever he is; and we are sure that it is
no nonsensical reason for which he wants every man's shillings. Every
man's shilling would come to more millions of pounds sterling than we
are in a position to reckon. A great many people besides Mr. O'Connell
would be very glad of every, not to say any, man's shilling. However,
when His Unacknowledged Majesty tells us that he wants the hearts and
hands of every man, this, again, is a declaration which we can receive,
with some little allowance.

We take it that he wants the hearts and hands as represented by the
shillings. Shillings, we presume, are, according to Mr. O'Connell,
counters that stand for hands and hearts. But is it absolutely necessary
that those counters should be silver ? Would not bone be less expensive
to the poor Irish 1

Fair on both Sides.

How often have we heard that England ought to be grateful she has a
House of Lords ? If any reason were wanting, here is one :—A Peer
said, in a debate about Mr. Barry's never-to-be-completed Houses of
Parliament, " The walls of the House of Lords will be so thick, that it
will be impossible to hear anything that takes place outside." Now, how
grateful every Englishman will be, if this advantage should be proved to
be not all on the side of the Lords !

*

A CAPITAL INVESTMENT.
We print the following fact for the sake of persons, possessed of large
property, who are fond of speculating : " On Tuesday, July 29th, there
was a debate in the House of Lords, and Lord Brougham never spoke a
single word." We should like to have the sums of money that will be
"Knight's Guide to Service" The Lady's-Maid, page 27. I offered in a few years for a newspaper of the above date.