Punch (9.1845)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 155

ji&onotip on t&e Beat!) of an onlg dTlt'ent.

Oh ! take away my wig and gown,

Their sight is mock'ry now to me :
I pace my chambers up and down
Reiterating "Where is he « "

Alas ! wild Echo, with a moan,

Murmurs above my fever'd head :
In the wide world I am alone ;
Ha ! ha ! my only client's—dead.

In vain the robing room I seek;

The very waiters scarcely bow ;
Their looks contemptuously speak,
" He's lost his only client now."

E'en the mild usher, who, of yore,

Would hasten when his name I said,
To hand in motions, comes no more,
He knows my only client's dead.

Ne'er shall I, rising up in Court,

Open the pleadings of a suit :
Ne'er shall the Judges cut me short,
While moving them for a compute.

No more with a consenting brief
Shall I politely bow my head ;
Where shall I run to hide my grief?
Alas ! my only client's dead.

Imagination's magic power

Brings back, as clear as clear can be,
The spot, the day, the very hour,
When first I sign'd my maiden plea.

In the Exchequer's hindmost row
I sat, and some one touch'd my head,

He tendered ten-and-six, but oh !
That only client now is dead.

In vain, I try to sing—I'm hoarse :

In vain I try to play the flute,
A phantom seems to flit across,—

It is the ghost of a compute.

I try to read—but all in vain ;

My chambers listlessly I tread ;
Be still, my heart ; throb less, my braiu ;

Ho ! ho ! my only client's dead.

I think I hear a double knock ;

I did—alas ! it is a dun.
Tailor—avaunt! my sense you shock ;

He's dead ! you know I had but one !

What's this they thrust into my hand I

I'm mad ! my only client's dead.

WONDERFUL HORTICULTURAL PHENOMENON.

IRISH IMAGERY.

At a recent Repeal meeting Mr. O'Connell was described by one of
the speakers as " an oak of the forest, every hair of whoss head was
sanctified." We never saw an oak with a fine head of hair ; though it
is, no doubt, possible ; for peogle are talking a good deal just now about the
curl in the potato ; and if potatoes can be possessed of curls, we do not see
why trees should not have hair also. We can scarcely see how O'Connell
is an oak of the forest, though, in our opinion, he seems to be most at
home when in the Groves of Blarney.

AMATEUR CRIMINALS.

Poor Eliza Grimwood appears to be a great favourite with the army.
We know not how many soldiers have declared themselves guilty of her
murder, that they might escape the glory that ever casts a halo about the
private soldier's name. The public attention is aroused by the newspaper
paragraph — police officers are suddenly very busy— the magistrate,
meaning serious business, takes his seat, and the self-accused is brought
in. Whereupon, he thrusts his tongue in his cheek, declares his confes-
sion to be all a flam, and in the end walks away—mockingly applying
his thumb to the end of his nose at poor hoaxed Justice. Now, we think
there should be some remedy for this. If fellows like George Hill, the
last humourist of the 67th Foot, choose to have their dismal joke with
society, we certainly think that society should be allowed to make its

A bill returned !-ten pounds for bread ! fePartee- Therefore when a Hill « murders m jest," why not; punish

My butcher got a large demand ; j him m ^ ? , When *e assures,the ^S^te that the whole story is a

. . P .b rnuin m;~V,t V,^ Tir»f Vio vol-rt-rtort nnnn in trip* samp Tiirmv smrir. « I nils.

fable, might he not be retorted upon in the same funny spirit i Thus,
when sentenced to a month or two at the treadmill, if the humourist
complained of the inconvenience, he might be met with a reply that it
was not the treadmill, but merely a practical joke —nothing more than a
bit of drollery, that if he had any sense at all of the humorous, he must
do all he could to keep going. And if—as it sometimes happens with the

^unrfj's Hat'lfoaD £imlltqence.

A new kind of fruit has lately been introduced into London. It is most inveterate jokers—he should continue very obtuse to the fun, we do
known amongst those who have particularly studied its cultivation, as not see why his n°tion of tlle comic should not be quickened by severer
" The apple with the silver pips." One was shown to us, which, upon ! punishment ; but of course—only in joke,
being cut open, really contained a shilling ; but the generality of them, we
believe, do not grow anything larger than a fourpenny-piece. The one
we saw had been picked up at Charing-cross. It had been thrown by one
of the omnibus-drivers to a policeman, who had been loudly directing him
to " move on," but the policeman failing to catch it, the apple had fallen
into the hands of a rival cad, who enjoyed the phenomenon of the " silver
pip'' no less than the fruit, for, after eating the latter with great relish, he
spent the shilling in something to drink, to ascertain if the pip was real.
These wonderful apples, which we take the scientific liberty of calling
" Poma Cartiensis" are in great demand amongst the numerous time-
keepers of London, but the policemen are no less eager in running after
them. They are of very quick growth. An omnibus that halts five minutes
at one station will produce a ripstune of the value of sixpence, but as much
as a quarter of an hour is necessary to bring forth the largest specimens.
These contain from two to three pips, running from sixpence to a shilling
a piece. We have forwarded the specimen, which has been sent to us, to
the Horticultural Society. If it realises all that is said of it, it certainly
would be invaluable at elections.

It will be seen that Spanish Railways are beginning to attract atten-
tion in the British market. When our readers remember the quantity of
Spanish liquorice consumed in this cold and cough-generating climate of
ours, they will see that the mercantile traffic must be tremendous on any
Spanish line that has English shareholders. The Madrid and Valencia
Railway that has been projected, will give an immense impetus to the
trade in Valencia waistcoats, and if the Company will send us a large
allotment of shares, we will undertake to write it up till the scrip is at
twenty premium.

We perceive from the advertising columns of our contemporaries that
a Grand Trunk Railway has been started. We should suggest a Grand
Carpet, Rug, and Bonnet-Box Junction as a very desirable branch, and a
LondoD Direct Portmanteau one would, no doubt, be amazingly popular.