Punch: Punch (17.1849)

220

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SENTIMENT versus INFLUENZA.

Scene—A Garden. Time—A November Evening. Moonlight.
Enter Two Lovers with red noses.

Henry. " 0 by beloved Baryalle—Idol of by affecshuls ! Although appear-
alces are agailst be, yet believe, Maly 'al, il the warbth of by attachbelt. Yes,
darlil, like Robeo, 1 By yolder blessed Bool I swear'-11

Mary Anne. "' Oh ! swear lot by the Bool, the ilcolstalt Bool,' but listel
while I respold with—Ha ! tzic! ha! tzic !" (sneezes).

[Henrv sneezes also. A fog envelopes them.

PUNCH PELTED WITH MUD.

Everybody knows that Mr. Punch is a mortal enemy to Jack
Ketch. We need not, therefore, say that we cordially approve of the
object, of the anti-capital-punishment meeting which was held on
Monday last week at the Bridge House Hotel, Southwark. We wish
we could affirm the like of all that was uttered at that assembly;
wherein cerain opponents of the halter most unfortunately exemplified
the proverbial consequences of being allowed plenty of rope. Remarking
on whom, says our old friend, the Morning Post:—

" Then there was a reverend, but not very reverent gentleman, who funnily related
how Moses committed murder, and ' looked round to see that there was no policeman
near' — a joke which told with such amazing effect on the risible faculties of the
audience that we have no doubt the worthy parson, encouraged by this essay, is even
now agonizingly labouring at a Comic Pentateuch, to be published in due time at the
Punch Office, and likely, we should think, to prove quite as amusing as any of the
dreary series of works bearing that epithet."

Mr. Jenkins is mistaken in his implied assertion that the Punch
Office is a mart for blasphemous publications. We would thank him
to point out any joke, or attempt at a joke, in reference to religion or
the Scriptures, which has issued from that institution for the amuse-
ment and instruction of mankind. We leave satires on religion to
people who affect piety, and say the thing which is not. When Mr.
Jenkins terms our productions dreary, he expresses a mere opinion, of
which let us by all means have the benefit. But when he insinuates
against us a charge of impiety, he vouches for a fact. Incorrectness in
this respect is a stain on that plush which it should be the pride of
every gentleman's gentleman to keep unsullied.

I SCENES F&OM THE LIEE OE AN UNPBOTECTED

EEMALE.

Scene 5.—Outside of a Metropolitan County Court. Touters, Agents, and
Attornies off the Rolls, in attendance, with a real Attorney's clerk or two.

Enter the Unprotected Eemale in a state of grievous excitement.

Mysterious Touter {in a whisper). County Court, Mim—yes, Mim, cer-
tainly. This way, Mim—'appy to attend to your business, Mim.

Confident Agent. Stand out of the way for the lady—now, Sneaky.
Here, Marm, I'll see the Judge for yer.

Subdued Ex-Attorney. Have regular professional assistance, Ma'am—
my card and terms. (Gives card.) Tort or Contract, Ma'am ?

Unprotected Female (gazing distractedly from one to the other). Torts
and what, Sir P Oh, where have I to go when I'm summoned ?

2nd Touter. Don't 'ave him, Marm, he's arf a guinea. I'll take you
through for two bob and a bender.

3rd Touter. Want a witness, Marm ? Safe as the Bank, Marm.

Unprotected Female. Oh, please, will anybody show me the office ?

Fx-Attorney. This way, Ma'am. Take my arm—do. (Aside.) Very low
people here—be on your guard. This way, my dear Madam. Be cool.
We '11 settle it for you directly.

[Ex-Attorney carries off Unprotected Eemale, to the disgust cf
his rivals.

[Scene changes to Clerks' Office. Two Clerks hard at work, entering
plaints, receiving fees, issuing summonses, and holding numbers of
interviews with several persons at the same time.

Unprotected Female (resisting all efforts of Ex- Attorney to extricate her
from her state of bewilderment). Oh, the summons, please. The summons.

Ex-Attorney. What name, my dear Madam ?

Unprotected Female. Oh, it's Betsey Cummins.

Ex-Attorney (elbowing through crowd). Now, Mr. Smith, please,
Mrs. Betsey Cummins wants a summons, if you please.

Mr. Smith (issuing a plaint, taking the fee, entering it, and searching
the plaint-book). Cummins plaint issued 8th November. Debt for
wages, fifteen-and-six, stands 110 to-day. _

Ex-Attorney. Oh, it's issued, is it ? (With glee to Unprotected
Female.) Here, my dear Madam, we're all right. Your summons is
issued. We '11 have your fifteen-and-six in a jiffey—a word of mine to
his Honour.

Unprotected Female. Oh, but I don't owe the money. If Betsey
Cummins can stand and look me in the face, and say I've not paid it
over and over again, she's a vile woman.

Ex-Attorney (gradually awakening to the real state of the case). Then
it's us that's summoned ? We are not Mrs. Betsey Cummins ?

Unprotected Female. Oh, how she can go to say she ever did a day's
charing for me but what she had her tea and sugar extra—and then the
mischief she's made in the neighbourhood, and to have dared to bring
her missis into this horrid place !

[She is gradually approximating to a gush of tears from a sense of
wrong.

Ex-Attorney. We must compose ourselves, my dear Madam. Now, if
I you please, the instructions. < [Takes out note-book.

Unprotected Female. Oh, I've had no instructions but that piece of

paper.

Voice without. Now, 110; Cummins against—

[The rest is lost in the row.
Unprotected Female. Oh, that's me, and there's that base woman.
[Springs with determined purpose towards Betsey Cummins, who is
elboioing her way through the crowd.
Ex-Attorney. The instructions, my dear Madam, the instructions.
[Scene changes to the Court—a shop which has been converted into a
County Court under the Act. The Judge occupies the site of the
fire-place, the professional adoisers that of tlie counter; the
croiod of plaintiffs, defendants, and .witnesses fill the rest of the
space, and an Usher makes a tremendous noise and confusion by
way of preserving silence and order.
Judge. Now, 110. Be quick!

Usher. There, don't you hear his Honour ! Now, 110, and be quick,
do ! Stand back, some of you.

[Repels Betsey Cummins and Unprotected Eemale. in their
efforts to get into the front.
Judge. Plaintiff—where's plaintiff?

Betsey Cummins (having overcome the Usher, has got into the box,
and holds up her hand, after the manner of the Old Bailey). And the truth,
the 'ole truth, wich I'm prepared—

Judge. Now, swear her.

Usher. Silence, woman, don't you 'ear his Honour ?

[Betsey Cummins is sworn after several struggles.
Judge. Now, Betsey Cummins, be quick.

Unprotected Female (scaling /Jefendant's box, notwithstanding the
efforts of the Ex-Attorney). Oh! how dare you, Betsey Cummins P—
Judge. Silence! woman.