Punch: Punch (22.1852)

12

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

FUNNY MARKET AND WITTY INTELLIGENCE.

E regret to say the Funny
Market has been heavy,
in consequence of all the
Christmas orders having
been executed, and many
of the goods—bads and
indifferents—not having
gone off with the public
so well as the dealers had
expected. Some of the
retailers appear to have
overstocked themselves
with the inferior sort of
jokes, and several sample
packets—including half-
a-dozen conundrums, half-a-dozen puns, with an anecdote and a charade
in verse, for one guinea the packet—have remained on hand; and
until Twelfth Night comes round, there is no chance of a market.

The regular jokers complain very bitterly of the practice that is now
so prevalent among the public, of making their own jokes at home, or
leaving the business in the hands of a domestic wag—a class, of which
there is now one in nearly every family. A professed punster who has
been in the habit of receiving more invitations than he could attend to
at this season of the year, assures u3 that he with difficulty picked up a
dinner on Christmas Day, and that his engagements for New Year's
Eve will scarcely pay for his lemon-coloured kid gloves, and the
washing of his white waistcoat. An old wag assures us that if he
were to confine himself to the legitimate business of facetiae, there
would be nothing for him to do; and that he only manages to make
both ends meet, by adding conjuring tricks and the cornet-a-piston to
the more regular branches of his profession. A well-known "funny dog,"
who did a great deal in the Ethiopian Serenader line, even up to last
year, has found so little encouragement, that he intends washing his
hands—and face—of the whole concern, and selling off his bones at
51b for twopence—the regular marine-store price—as soon as possible.

ADMIRAL FLAMBO'S CORRESPONDENCE.

Admiral Flambo presents his compliments to Mr. Punch, and begs
him to insert the following correspondence. The Admiral will not
make any comment on Lord Bubblely's conduct in the matter—
further than just to say, that it is mean, audacious, treacherous,
treasonable, dishonourable to the country and to himself, and likely to
leave us exposed to a French invasion, by causing the Admiral to
decline saving the country.

l.

" To Lord Bubblely.

" My Lord,—I am informed that there is a probability of there
being a vacancy soon in the following departments:—the Channel
Fleet—the command at Plymouth—and the Board of Admiralty. As,
of course, you want (for the sake of the country) to reward able men, I
beg to undertake to occupy them all. I am a man of distinguished
courage and abilities.

" Your obedient servant,

" ROUGUSCRAPER ElAMBO."

" Lord Bubblely presents his compliments to Admiral Flambo.
Not doubting his courage, though somewhat fearing his discretion, he
does not definitely promise him the appointments."

" To Lord Bubblely.

"My Lord,—After taking Dom Miguel's fleet, I am not to be
treated with contempt by a Whig nobleman. I did not beat off the
Grenadier, to be now defeated by the Pigmy.

" Holding these views, my Lord, I beg distinctly to ask, whether you
do not think me a man of courage, genius, cool discretion, and magna-
nimity? Everybody in Europe attributes the^e qualities to me.

" In anticipation of your Lordship's appointments, I have ordered my
portmanteau to be forwarded to the ' George,' at Portsmouth.

" RoUGHSCRAPER FLAMBO."

4.

m" Lord Bubblely acknowledges Admiral Flambo's letter; repeats
his opinion ; postpones his appointment."

5.

" My Lord,—When I commanded the Ripper, in the North Sea,
and beat off the French frigates, I saved this country. France is
upon us if my portmanteau has to be returned from Portsmouth.

" I shall forward you forty-two long letters, on the subject of my
services, at an early period. You will then see what sort of man I am
—if you are able to see anything.

" 1 expect your efforts on my behalf.

" Roughscraper Flambo."

6.

"Lord Bubblely has received Admiral Flambo's letter, and
appointed Admiral Stubbs to the commands which he solicits."

7.

"My Lord,—You are famous for indiscreet epistles, and I shall
expose you in Punch. France is in arms! I am not glad of it; far
from it. But I know what will become of our country—with me in
retirement, Stubbs prosperous, and a person like you in power.

" Roughscraper Flambo."

CHRONICLES OF 1854.—NOTABILIA.

Jan. 1st. The first penny train started from Westminster Bridge to
London Bridge, and walked the arches " like a thing of life," stopping
at the intermediate bridges.

5th. Great commotion at the Parliament Stairs and Pedlar's Acre, on
the breaking of the pontoon temporary bridge, which was erected
on the site of old Westminster Bridge, now fallen foul of Father
Thames. Five hundred souls, seven omnibuses, four brewers' drays, and
ten Pagoda advertising-vans immersed; the bodies whereof would have
been lost but for the prevailing custom of wearing Aykbourne's
Life-Buoys. The Watermen's Company of Steamers, laid up in ordinary
off Richmond Gardens, lately converted into floating capital as places
for aquatic entertainment and abodes, proved very useful for the refuge
of the sons of the Thames, to whom their father gave so cold a
reception.

10th. The area of Smithfield thrown open to the people as a Hortus
Siccus, being perfectly open to daylight, and covered with glass, after
the fashion of the Crystal Palace.

15th. Subscriptions entered into by the inhabitants of Regent,
Oxford, and Bond Streets, Piccadilly, and Hoi born, to keep the tempe-
rature of these causeways, now glazed over, up to 60 degrees of
Fahrenheit.

20th. A remarkable instance of celerity in Public Works excited on
this day great popular attention ; viz., the insertion of the fourth basso-
relievo on Nelson's Monument, and the fixing-up of the pedestal for
the first of the English lions.

25th. Repairs commenced on the piarC terreno or ground story of the
Houses of Lords and Commons, which discovered symptoms of
premature decay. The superstructure not being yet complete, the
former had to be restored for the sake of unity of design, before its
finish, which the Architect computes may take place in about ten years.

Feb. 1st. The colossal Model Lodging House, formerly called Hanover
Square, gave a Co?wersazione to the inmates of the rival Lodging House
(late Soho Square), and lectures, diversified by music, were given in the
grand Library attached to the establishment, occupying the ancient
foundation ot Harewood House. Cobben, F. O'Connor, and Ernest
Jones, were inaugurated to square with Pitt.

5th. The first view of the Cathedral ever offered to the citizens was
afforded this day, by removing the hoarding which surrounded the
south side of Pat ernoster Row, the whole of which, together with the
north side of St. Paul's Churchyard, was demolished. Great consterna-
tion amongst the Dean and Chapter at being shown up too clearly.

March 15th. Brilliant entertainment alfresco, given on the ice by the
Corporation, at which Astley's Troupe added to the pomp. A bullock
was roasted whole by electricity, and the assembled company (including
the Patten Makers) danced the Pas de Pattineurs.

20th. The Last Man came up from the well-hole of Barber Beau-
mont's pump in Piccadilly, looking very well, considering his long
immersion ; and the first man (for four years) raised the pump handle^
which was succeeded by a jet that was considered pure, and of the
first water—considering the source and vicinage of the spring!

25th. An Aggregate Meeting of the Temperance Society was held this
day in the Crystal Palace, where 50,000 persons assembled ; every one
was allowed a bouquet of exotics, and the name of Paxton never was
in better odour. The mob cheered at Apsley House, which opened its
eyes (the ferruginous blinds) the first time since the former and obsolete
Chartist movement.

30^. The last stone of Buckingham Palace gateway was chiselled
this day with a wreath of roses, which was considered to be, if not the
perfection of architecture, at least the flower of perfection.

31s^. A remarkably genial day ; the town, full of rank, poured out its
trains of splendidly attired fashionables—their equipages having been
sent in advance by the railways. The new Park at Richmond, with its
fountains, statues, and wonders of floriculture, never looked so
bewitching; the Grand Avenue for equestrians was thronged with
blooming beauty in Bloomer costume, and the Temples of the Muses
and Graces were filled with their votaries, who now consider Hyd.'
Park and the Regent's but smoky sluices, and a bore.