Punch: Punch (22.1852)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 229

THE LAW OF CROCHET.

ARLIAMENT has at,
length been compelled
to give its ever-tardy
je^. attention to a question
f\Ji deeply affecting the do-
<v< mestic happiness of
im thousands of her Ma-
WJ jesty's married sub-
)jjsj jects. We allude to
>aa the Crochet question.
Vfj! The miseries arising
(jft from the unsettled state
of the law upon this
'•^ subject have resulted in
an agitation which has made
itself constitutionally heard.
Meetings have been held in
all the smoking rooms of the
clubs, in the lobbies of the
Operas, in the apartments of
bachelor friends (after sup
per), and in the various other
places of refuge to which
the sufferers had been driven
by Crochet persecution ; and
it has been finally resolved
that a Bill shall be forced
through the Houses, imme
diately after the Easter re-
cess, to settle the question
satisfactorily. This bill has
actually been prepared, and

^^^^^^^^^^"^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^I^^^^^^^^^Bj ^ Mr. Punch's precis-writer

=■»—-ss-^^a^^^r^^ 'fJ * \ \ \ \l£ the legal phraseology, and to

substitute English and com

mon sense, in order that the outlines of the measure might be laid before the nation. The character of
the bill will be seen from the analysis thus prepared. The measure is entitled,

AN ACT to Amend, Consolidate, and Define the Law of the Crochet-Rook,

The iPreamSIe recites that the power of the Crochet-Hook has increased, is increasing, and ought
to be diminished.

CTaugf 1. enacts that no married lady shall, under any circumstances (not even the absolute necessity
of finishing " this duck of a pattern, because I am quite in love with it"), be permitted to work at
Crochet more than fourteen hours out of the twenty-four.

(Clause 2. enacts that if a calf's head be sent up to the dinner-table badly cooked, it shall be no plea
on the part of the lady of the house that she could not see after it because she was so busy with
her Boar's Head.

Clau&3. exempts a husband from all the penalties of looking grumpy and being a disagreeable cross
old thing, in certain cases ; namely,—

When a lovely anti-macassar is held up for his admiration, he having at the time one or more

buttons deficient in his shirt.
When he comes home by appointment, to take her to see the Apteryx at the Zoological Gardens,
and finds her not dressed, and reluctant to move, because she has just found out a new way
of purling 14, by casting off 11, and dropping 3465.
When she pretends to hear his last joke from the club, but obviously does not, as her lips and
mind are palpably counting loops.
(ITaujSe 4. enacts that if a wife persists in an unreasonable attachment to Crochet after due notice—
namely, first, a gentle hint from her beloved Edwin ; next, a half-joking remonstrance from his most
intimate bachelor friend ; and lastly, a grave entreaty from her mother-in-law—the conjugal tie shall be
held to be dissolved to the extent following:—Edwin may go to Blackwall whenever he pleases,
and without Angelina, even though there are ladies in the party; may take a bed at old Baefins's at
Twickenham, or his cousin Tom's at Hampstead, without ever saying a word about it previously; may
be utterly deaf to all allusions about Angelina's having nothing to go to the Opera in; and may render
that fact practically of less importance, by not intimating the slightest intention of taking her there.

Clause 5. provides that nothing in that Act contained shall prevent a devoted wife from sitting up
till any hour of the night darning stockings, or mending the children's things.

Clattgt 6. declares that all disputes arising as to the meaning of any words in the Act shall be settled
by the husband, without appeal.

Clause 7. enacts that Oaths shall not (for the future) be taken by the husband in certain cases, or
uncertain ones either; the Act having now provided a remedy for all cases of Crochet aggravation.

Clauite 8. provides that the husband shall be obliged to furnish the wife with the means of rational
and sensible amusement during his absence from home; namely, if a lawyer, he had better give her
copying to do; if a merchant, he can send her account-books to cast up; and, if an author, he can
desire her to read his works ; but this latter task (which no author's wife can condescend to perform) is
to be prescribed in moderation.

Clause 9. empowers a husband to taunt his Crochety wife in any gentle and humorous way, as, if
she asks him to take her to the Isle of Wight, he may reply that he shan't, for she has had enough
of the Needles. Or, if she requests any old clothes of his (to be converted, by a certain mystic process,
into geraniums and fuchsias,) he may ask her if she thinks he is as fond of " casting off" as she is. And
she is expressly interdicted from pouting thereat or thereafter, or at any other time or times whatsoever.

There are some other Clauses, but
their nature will be explained on the
discussion of the measure. The charge
of the Bill in the House of Lords will
be entrusted to Loud Bkotjgham,
who is celebrated for his Crotchet-
work, and in the House of Commons
to Mb. Disraeli, because he really
works very fairly—with a hook.

THE NO-HOUSE OE COMMONS.

One of the most melancholy results
of the No-House on Tuesday, the
18th of May, is the extreme activity
that has been given to the small joke
market, by the fact of there not having
been forty members present on the
occasion in question. Every idle
tongue that can wag, has attempted
some waggery on its own very small
account, and some of the "transac-
tions " have been, indeed, worthy of
the stocks " in a rural point of view;
for if any village stocks are yet to be
found, the perpetrator of a bad pun
ought to be made the subject of an
immediate transfer into that low class
of security.

Two or three quotations will give a
sufficient idea of the disastrous results
that have ensued to common sense,
from the cause we have stated.

An individual, who had formerly
moved in a respectable sphere, was
heard to observe, that if the Commons
occasionally made " No-House," they
could not get through the business of
the country " No-Hows."

Another individual, whose name we
suppress out of respect to an aged
grandmother, was no sooner told that
the House had risen, because there
were not forty members present, than
he exclaimed, "Oh! can't they get
on without forty being present ? But
I suppose the Commons are deter-
mined that, if they cannot always ob-
serve the suaviter in modo, they will at
least make sure of the forty-ter in re"

Another individual, whose indisoreet
waggery has taken a sort of anti-privi-
legious turn, which may one day bring
him not only to the bar of public
opinion, but to the bar of the House,
was rash enough to remark, in the
hearing of our farthing-a-liner, " Ha!
it's an odd coincidence that forty of
them should be required in order that
business may be proceeded with, for
we all know that there were exactly
forty thieves."

Another still more degraded being,
who unites two professions, accord-
ing to the Johnsonian theory, and
who, being a punster by day, is—we
need not say what—by night, was so
far indifferent to all consequences,
that in the hearing of an individual
with a horsewhip in his hand, he had
the rashness to remark, that " the busi-
ness of the session must be proceeding
very piano indeed, when the forte
cannot always be relied upon."

We feel that we have somewhat
braved the indignation of the public in
bringing under their notice these
evidences of mental infirmity; but per-
haps when the Commons see the dis-
turbance occasioned to a portion of the
public intellect by the fact of there
being No House, it may render them
careful how they are guilty of such
laches again.

Vol. 22.

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