Punch: Punch (6.1844)

74

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Cos why ? "Whatsumever a timorsum Female mite take into her
Head and sum of the narvus ones will shy at a straw it warn't for
him to addopt her fanciful Fears by way of aggrewatin wat's bad
enuff, And throwin a slur on poor pepel that along with Hot Heads
maybe have warm hearts, and as famous for verbal Blessins and kind
Langwidge in general as our own low borders is remarkable for
Blastfemy and wishin you I won't say ware. Howsumever all that
it seems is to go for nuthin. But if so be they call you Honey or
darlin you may make your will at once, and wen a Hirishman wishes
the top of the mornin to you it means yure never to see anuther.
Witch sartinly is a shockin picter not only of Ireland but the Wnrld
in genneral, and as sich wouldn't exhibit it, especially in sich a
Nashunal Gallery as the House o' Lords without bein cockshure it
warn't a Diabollical carricature of the species.

To my Mind there's much more Danger to be looked for in Ireland
as everry where else, wen you've been persecuted at law or well
thretten'd agin it. I dont think Swing used to Bless his poor Wic-
tims afore he cut their Throtes or burnt thim in their Beds—But
sent them a Deths Head and Marrer Bones—and a warnin for the
uther Wurld. And even the Turney Genneral in the State Trials in
Dublin, wen he pulld out a mettaforical Horse Pistle, or Blunder
Buss in Court to shoot Mr. Fits Gibbins, and O'Connel it warn't after
blessin em or wishing Good Luck to em. By no means but a werry
different sort of speech, sich as I should call hard langwidge. No—
not a wesper on it cum thro the Groves o' Blarney.

For my own share I say with all my Hart God bless the poor Irish,'
and the more they bless me, the more I'll think I am in the way of
it. Altho I ham

A Saxox.

To theatres the " father " does not often go, as he says, in rather a
boastful tone, that his time for that sort of thing is past. Nevertheless,
lie sometimes makes au effort to afford his family a dramatic treat at
Christmas, particularly if he has a friend who gives away an order or
two. These treats are especially unlucky. Certain is it, that when the
" Father of a Family " visits a theatre, something verging on impropriety
takes place. If there be a petticoat shorter than the rest in the wardrobe,,
that is sure to be worn by one of the danseuses on that particular occa-
sion ; if there is one old comedy more replete than another with jokes of
an equivocal nature, that is played as if for the very purpose of making
the two tall young ladies blush, while it has the additional bad effect of
making the stiff-frilled son laugh uproariously, until checked by an un-
mistakeable glance from his sire, shocked that his offspring has not inhe-
rited his own stern abhorrence of the improper. Entering the hackney-
coach that is to take him back to his suburban retreat, he observes that

" theatres, after all, are bad places for young folks "_to which the tall

young ladies blandly assent, while the less virtuous lad says nothing.

These annoyances have made our friend particularly watchful about
theatres, and he is always afraid that the editors of newspapers are not
sufficiently vigilant in scenting out an impropriety. Accordingly it is in
the family records that he never went to the theatre without writing five
letters to the Times, three to the Chronicle and Herald, and one to the

PHYSIOLOGY OF AN "OCCASIONAL CORRESPONDENT/

The readers of morning newspapers must often have been struck by
the " Letters to the Editor," which generally answer the double pur-
pose of showing the great industry and the small wisdom of the writers.
We mean, not the able political letters which appear in every journal
of eminence, but the details of petty grievances that are subscribed
" Father of a Family," "Constant Reader," " Anti-Humbug," &c. The
gentry who write these letters have fancied themselves safe from all
publicity, and that their privilege of inflicting any twaddle they please
upon any unfortunate editor they select as a victim is absolutely unlimited.
We are ffuiusr to prove the contrary, and therefore determine to show up

THE "FATHER OF A FAMILY,"
Selecting him because he is the very prince of "bores." So many are
the grievances which he would make public, that he is alike the terror of
editors and the delight of the small stationer in bis neighbourhood. His
consumption of paper is tremendous.

To reach his dwelling from the city, you must pass Shoreditch Church,
though we shall not tell you whether you are to go down the Hackney or
the Kingsland Road. The residence is neat-looking enough, being well
whitewashed in front, while a kind of archway of green lath stands before
the door. It has, moreover, the great convenience of affording a view of
every passing omnibus. The " Paterfamilias " himself is on the shady
side of fifty, and is dressed with a regard rather to respectability than to
elegance. He usually bends in his back, and holds his head remarkably
high, particularly when he indulges in conversation with a small party
before dinner. His wisdom is of the same class as that possessed by
ancient nurses and washerwomen ; but, nevertheless, he is able to give
his aphorisms a certain weight by the deep voice in which he pronounces
them, and by the loud clearing of the throat by which they are prefaced.
Consequently, he passes among his fellow-travellers in the omnibus for a
decidedly sound-thinking man.

Post. It is not so much against immorality in the abstract, that he is »
champion, as he is indignant that the particular minds of his own spotless-
Rosa Matilda and Anna Maria have been shocked, and he is always at
great pains to inform the editor of the journal he addresses, that he writes-
his letter, because he feels it is his " duty as a father" so to do. The
profane introduction of the " Angel Inn, Islington," in the presence of
his three children, caused a tremendous order on the stationer. The
whole country was, in the opinion of the " Father," likely to be swallowed
up by an earthquake, with Rosa Matilda and Anna Maria in it, unless-
he, the father, stepped forward to stop the abomination. Alas ! the daily
papers took no notice of his communication, and a Sunday paper, to which
he at last had refuge, merely told him " A Father of a Family is an Ass.""

The family, of which he is constantly telling the public that he is the : This, by the way, greatly disgusted him with the Sunday press, and his
father, consists of two very tall thin girls, whose noses grow excessively j heart beat highly, when the saints of Islington interfered with the vendors

red in cold weather, and a boy in the teens, who continues to wear a stiff
frill at a period when most lads have assumed a collar, or even a tail-coat.
The young ladies pass their time inanely enough. They draw a little,
and they oriental-tint a little, and they occasionally inflict on the neigh-
bours who drop in to tea a very long duet on the piano. The songs they
sing are invariably those which have attained the very slightest popula-
rity ; and they are always executed in a voice so small as to be nearly
inaudible. The young gentleman looks in the presence of his father, as if
" butter would not melt in his mouth." To his moral education the
greatest attention has been paid. Particular inquiries were made as to
the gentility and perfect propriety of the seminary to which he was sent ;
and the son of Mr. Wingo next door, having been heard to wish that his
buttons were " dashed," and to utter the horrid exclamation " By Jingo,''
all communication with Wingo junior is expressly interdicted. Never-
theless, if the legendary records of the neighbourhood are to be believed,
the son of the " Father of a Family," was once detected in the ghastly
ict of ringing a bell and running away.

of the weekly newspapers.

Generally, his communications, which are always of a moral tendency,
are unlucky ; and out of a hundred letters which he writes, not above one
finds its way into type. Nevertheless, he is not discouraged ; and at this
very moment he is working away at the impropriety of the piece called
" Blue Devils."

A Sequitur.

We understand that during the burning of King William's College, th®
Irish housekeeper, who was in attendance, ran off immediately for a
sheriff's-officer to arrest the flames. The porter went off in another
direction, to get somebody to come and bail the water out.

Bill to be introduced this Session.

A Bill to grant compensation to the frozen-out gardeners, on accauat
of the mildness of the winter.