Punch: Punch (6.1844)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

217

MR. THESIGER'S SPEECH TO THE ELECTORS OF ABINGDON.

By our own Express.

No one else being put in nomination, the choice of the electors—
iamid loud cries of " Hobson's")—was declared to have fallen on
Frederick Thesiger, Esq., her Majesty's Solicitor-Genera!.

Mr. Thesiger then came forward, and said—

" Mr. Mayor and Gentlemen,—Utterly unknown as I am to you all
—wholly unacquainted as I am writh you and you with rae—I feel that I

shall be unfettered by any local prejudice." (Aside to Ms Seconder.— i "Lord Viscount Martingale examined:—Is a married nobleman,

ALARMING DISCLOSURES.

(From a Report by the Punch Commission on the Causes of National

Distress.)

The Commissioners, by Punch appointed for the Investigation oi
National Distress, have just completed their task. They have found that
the said distress has been very properly called national, inasmuch as it
pervades all ranks ; the circles termed exclusive not being excluded.
Here follows an extract from the Report ; what light it throws upon the
subject, let the public judge.

What the deuce shall I say?). A-hem—a-hem. In the time of the
early Britons, when the Wittena Gemote held its sittings in the open air ;
(loud cheers)—when our fathers, nay our grandfathers, would have laid
down their lives for their Saxon Institutions—then it was—yes then, in
those days, and at that time, that we might have proudly boasted of our
early liberties. (Loud cheers.) Gentlemen, 1 am a stranger to Abingdon,
I was never here before, and I don't suppose I shall ever be this way
again ; but as I go to my Parliamentary duties down Abingdon Street,
the name of Abingdon will kindle in my bosom the flame of remembrance,
and I shall think of you, Gentlemen, who have this day formed between
me and that henceforth cherished street, a series of links that will bind
my heart as firmly—

' As did the former Vulcan rivet up
The chains that bound his victim.'

(Enthusiastic cheering, during which Mr. Thesiger winked at his
seconder, and received on his leg a kick of intelligence from an
intimate friend.)

" Farewell, my friends, for friends I may now truly call you." (Aside
from his seconder—" Give them another quotation or two, and then wind
it up.") "Farewell! Farewell! Remember me. But I think I hear you
ask me if we shall ever meet again. We shall my friends, we shall. Yes—
' We shall meet again at Phillipi.' "

(Enthusiastic Cheering, amidst which th? learned gentleman sal down.)

On proceeding to his hotel, he was met by the printer of his posting
bills, with the proof of a broadside announcing that " F. Thesiger, Esq.,

would, on the — day of - meet the icorthy and independent electors

■of Abingdon at Phllippi."

The Solicitor-General good humouredly ordered and paid for 300, with
directions that they should not be issued or stuck up at present. After a
good supper with the mayor and his seconder, the Solicitor-General
started for London, i:i order to take his place as the representative of
the means and wishes of the people of Abingdon.

THE SCENE IN THE COURT OF QUEEN'S BENCH

IN DUBLIN.

The Court is open'd—by an earnest throng
The usher, powerless, is borne along.
In vain he strives to swell his weekly salary
By letting strangers up into the gallery,
For long before the bargain can be made
The crowd has broken down the balustrade.
Two judges enter, but no word they say,
Up to the close of the judicial day.
At length another anxious morning comes,
The attorney-general slowly twirls his thumbs,
Fixed in his place the learned martyr lingers,
Anon he pares the nails that deck his fingers,
Or takes his knife in hand—as now and then
He had been bent on mending some old pen.
At length the judge exclaims in accents deep,
" Mister Attorney ! "—he has gone to sleep.
And to the greeting of the bench replies,
By starting up and rubbing both his eyes.
" Mister Attorney ! " cries the judge once more,
Vexed that the counsel did not wake before,
" The case"—a thousand ears are opened wide,
To know which way the judges will decide.
"Mr. Attorney,—In the case," he stumbled,
And something very indistinctly mumbled,
Then added, ' • I am sorry to affirm
We can't give judgment in the present term."
How little follows from the greatest fuss,
" Monies varturiunt" et cetera, " mu\'>

Important Announcement.

The Globe says that—" During the residence of Her Majesty in the
Isle of Wight, Sir Robert Peel will occupy the residence of Hughes
Hughes, Esq., at Ryde." What an additional pleasure for our beloved
monarch !

with a lady and large family. Has estates in the North of England.
They are extensive ; but extensively mortgaged also. Clear rental about
5000/. a year ; but finds it very difficult to live on that sum. Can hardly
make both ends meet. At times has not a guinea in his pocket. Has a
seat in the House of Lords, also a box at the Opera. The latter is 200/.
a year. Has had transactions with gentlemen of the Hebrew persuasion.
Has paid 50 or 60 per cent, for ready money. Is connected with the
Turf ; lost 1000/. last year on the Derby. Is a member of Crockford's ;
often loses 200/. a night there. Thinks that a trifle. Is also a member
of the Carlton Club,—has spent 8000/. or 10,000/. in his time on elec-
tioneering. Has a mansion in Belgrave Square, and a seat in Yorkshire.
Keeps a large stud of horses and twenty or thirty servants. Gives fre-
quent dinners, soirees, and dejeuners a la fourchette. Has a yacht.
Lady M. lives in the first style of fashion ; has two carriages of her own.
How much he owes his wine-merchant, tailor, upholsterer, and other
tradesmen, Heaven only knows ! Has, himself, no idea ; but it is a great
deal. Considers himself to be in great distress. In fact, how he con-
trives to manage at all is really unable to say. Perhaps his steward and
solicitor might. Is much fatigued with his present examination. Votes
business a horrid bore. His Brougham is waiting ; begs to wish the
Committee a good morning.

Mr. John Jackson examined :—Is a hosier and linendraper at the West
End. Pays 300/. a year for his place of business, lias a
suburban villa at Clapham ; gives 160/. per annum for that.
It is called Belle-vue House. Has a wife and five grown-up
daughters,—the latter have been brought up at a first-rate
seminary. They play, sing, and speak French and Italian ;
but cannot bake or brew. Parties who could command
£1000 a year would find them eligible partners. That
would be the lowest figure. His domestic establishment
consists of three maid servants, a man, and a knife-boy.
Mr. J. calls the latter a page. Keeps a horse and gig
House elegantly furnished. Tables, best mahogany. Chairs,
ditto rosewood. Carpets, Brussels. Piano, Broadwood.
Mode of living, plain and respectable ; dinner, three courses
and dessert. Takes his bottle or so a-day—wine, superior.
Cannot think how it is, but his expenditure greatly exceeds
his income. Embarked lately in an extensive speculation
in woollens, which has failed. Is on the eve of bankruptcy.
May be able to pay Is. in the pound, but is not certain.
Believes himself always to have practised the strictest u
economy. t

WitxiAM Wilkins examined :—Is a mechanic. Has a wife
and four small children, all in great want. Wife pawned
her last blanket this morning to buy bread. Children in \
rags ; two pair of shoes and a half, out at heel, between
the four. Is turned of 30. Earns from 20s. to 30s. a week,
according to work done. Belongs to a club which meets
twice a week at the White Horse. They meet to smoke a
pipe and be sociable, talk about politics and other matters,
and sing songs. Own allowance, on an average, two pots a night ; may
sometimes go as far as a gallon. The White Horse has a skittle-ground
—is in the habit of playing there. On such occasions drinks more or
less, as the case may be. Takes his " drop " on most days, besides beer.
Comes home at night sometimes, a little the worse for liquor. Is generally
unfit for work the next day. Knows that some workmen with wives and
families get only 9s. or 10s. a-week. Can't tell how they live upon it ;
nobody could be worse off than himself. Doesn't see, at all, how his
distress is to be accounted for."

The Punch Commissioners have examined, besides the above, great
numbers of the nobility, gentry, clergy, members of Parliament and of
the learned Professions, besides multitudes of the working classes, whose
incomes, though for their respective stations apparently considerable, are
far exceeded by their expenditure. The consequent distress is enormous.
This, however, it is universally agreed by the examined, has no sort of
connection with their habits; and is by no means to be ascribed to their
own fault, but to the badness of the times. Many operatives,*agriculturaI
labourers, and needle-women, who are starving on a few shillings a-week,
have also been interrogated. They impute their destitution to the avarice
and selfishness of their employers ;"but,*of course, this opinion is untenable.

Conundrum.—Why are learned ladies, generally, so remarkably plain ?
—Because they are extra-ordinary.