Punch (7.1844)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

31

graham's "secret committee."

he magnanimous determina-
tion of Sir James Graham
to explain all his letter-break-
ing doings — the inevitable
felonies of ungrateful office
—has ended in an amendment
\mT=^n~^"' hb 11 ^7^ 'J^,'1 .- f°r the appointment of a Se-
cret Committee ! Sir James
was desirous that the fullest
light should be thrown upon
the business ; but then the
light must be in a dark lan-
tern. He was painfully anx-
ious that the whole universe
should know every circum-
stance—nevertheless,it would
be best to confine such know-
ledge to some half-dozen in-
dividuals. In one evening;
did Sir James double the
parts of Brother Bruin and
Jerry Sneak.

However, the Committee have been at work ; meeting and trans-
acting their business with a secrecy and stillness touchingly compli-
mentary to Sir James. The Committee-room (No. 14) was especially
prepared for the occasion. The windows were hung with curtains
which admitted a very dim, though not particularly religious light.
We observed—(how Punch obtained admittance, it would be very

uno-rateful in him towards Sir James to declare)—we observed a ] Save the Queen. Nothing like soft sawder here, I can tell you."

But how if you could open it with a false key ?—That materially
alters the question.

Do you see any difference between a counterfeit seal and a false
key ?—None whatever. Both instruments are excellent in their
way ; and particularly serviceable to a " strong government."

Have you any objection to state what letters you have opened, and
to whom addressed ?—No objection whatever. Here are copies of a
few to and from General Tom Thumb, the Ojibbeway Indians,
Mlle. Dejazet, Mons. Jullien, Mr. Eisenberg, the corn-cutter ;
Herr Dobler, Signor Bertolini, the eating-house keeper ; Mons.
Verey, the pa-try-cook ; besides others.

All of them foreigners?—All. I had them stopped in obedience
to the commands of their separate governments.

May the Committee ask you the favour to go over them ? Your long
practice must have rendered you so excellent a reader ?—Truly, gen-
tlemen, I never boast, never ; but if there is anything I can do, it is
reading other people's letters.
Proceed, Sir James.

Here the worthy and respected Baronet proceeded to read an
epistle from Tom Thumb to a brother in America :—

" My dear Jonathan,—We are gettin' on slick as greased lightnin' :
doin' it tarnation strong to be sure. As for the smartest nation of crea-
tion, I have now considerable doubts since I've been among the Britishers.
President Tyler is no rowdy at all after Queen Vic. : he never gave me
the slightest thing on airth—but the Queen has done the right thing in
the way of millions of jewellery. Governor Barnum is as gay as an alli-
gator in a pond of treacle. As for me, I'm beautiful, and don't grow at
all, the gin here being so splendiferous. I 're got watches from the royal
family for all of you.

" Your affectionate Brother,

" Tom Thumb, General.
" P. S. I don't sing Yankee Doodle now ; but tip the Britishers Goa

Here Sir James Graham was re-examined.

tea-kettle and hammer hanging from the walls, the insignia of the

Post-office under the direction of the present Home Secretary.

,, . .T.j.1 . • What led vou to intercept General Iom Thumb s letters ?—In-

It is now, we believe, pretty generally known that the steaming structions from President Tyler. You will perceive that the
kettle is employed to undo wafers—whilst the hammer transmits j^jjsident is spoken of in a contemptuous manner as being "no
the impression of the wax to a piece of lead which the letter being rQwd „ at &1L N tf wft are tQ aUow Tqm Thumb the h ^
perused by Sir James, is used to re-seal the missive, that unsuspected of the Egvptian Hall) we are not to permit him to sneer at ^ head
it may pass into the hands of its guileless owner. of R coimtry with which we are at profound peace. Besides, the

The members of the Committee are only admitted into the room President informed me that Tom Thumb was concocting a con-
by a pass and countersign. Thus, an officer appointed for the pur- | SpiraCy with other Americans in London, the purpose of which was
pose cries " Fouche," and the member answers "Jack Sheppard.- " to destroy Pennsylvanian bonds, by buying them up. This the
on this the member—who, by the way, we should observe, is care- j President considered an unexpected blow at the credit of his
fully masked, in order that the witnesses examined may not know country.

their interrogators—enters, and takes his place. The"next Letter which we have room for was from Mr. Eisen-

It is, in truth, a great pang to us that our limited weekly sheet : berg :—■
does not afford verge and room enough to give a verbatim report of all

the proceedings. We trust, however, to be able to give sufficient to ' . * Mv dear Karl,—To shew you how I am getting on in this country, I
j- S ,i r • l- ,i r< 'll 'ri c i ! inclose vou the following; certificate from Sir Robert Peel ■

display the fine spirit animating the Committee. 1 he first witness! t- i i i- j .

called and examined was

SIR JAMES GRAHAM, BART.

You are the Secretary for the Home Department, Sir James ?—
I have that good fortune, whatever the country may think to the
-contrary.

And, as Secretary, yrou have the run of the Post Office ?—Such
privilege is one of the peculiar sweets of my office.

You have been in correspondence with several foreign powers ?—
I have.

For the purpose of opening letters addressed to their various
subjects? — Exactly. I consider myself a sort of foolscap Jack
Sheppard to all crowned heads.

Do you conceive such custom congenial to the habits of English-
men ?—Perhaps not yet ; but use—'tis a worn adage—is second
nature. In time, I have no doubt that letters may be opened quietly
as oysters.

Is it not an axiom that every Englishman's house is his castle ?—
Why. there is an agreeable fiction of the kind. There is, too, a poet-
ical illusion that to break wax or wafers is to commit a felony. These
things are the imaginative parts of the laws of England—or, I should
"ather say the jokes, invented to relieve the general dullness of the
■statutes.

You do not object to break open a man's letter? You would,
consequently, not refuse to break open his desk ?—Most certainly I
should, and for this reason. The letter may be resealed, and so
escape notice : now the broken desk would at once betray the
violence.

Mr. Eisenberg has entirely relieved me from my corn that has
troubled me all the session. I think him a far superior operator to
Bright or Cobden.'

" When I return, my dear Karl, you shall see how I '11 cut the corns
of Old Germany."

Sir James Graham re-examined.

Well, Sir James, Mr. Eisenberg's letter is harmless enough ?—
Certainly not : it is plain that, by his allusion to cutting the corns of
Old Germany, he means to advance the progress, the movement as it
is called, of that country. The King of Prussia is dreadfully
troubled with corns ; so much so, he can make no advance at all.
This secret he confided to me as Home Secretary, and I considered
it a solemn duty to that potentate to open all letters to and from
Mr. Eisenberg. If we welcome foreigners to our hearth-stones, it
is not that they should whet their revolutionary weapons upon them.

The next letter was from Mlle. Dejazet. Sir James very
fluently translated it:—

" My dear Angelique,—I have quite enchanted the barbarous Islanders.
Pauvres betes I They have almost smothered me with bouquets. Never-
theless, I have not forgotten La Belle France, as Louis Philippe shall
find the very next time I am commanded to Versailles.

" You know these English are only fit to make knives and scissors. I
have purchased—but I won't tell you what till we meet."

Sir James Graham re-examined.

And was Mlle. Dejazet considered dangerous ? Certainly. I
was desired byr Louis Philippe to keep my eye upon her : all her
letters were of course brought to me : but I hope I have exercised a
very proper delicacy. The police traced her "purchase" to the