Punch (7.1844)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,

You speak plainly of vices, and say you have none. It would be
ill manners in me, on so short—I may say, so very trivial—an
acquaintance, to doubt you. Besides, it has been my faith—and
what I have lost by it I hav' n't time to tell—to think well of every-
body. Weaknesses we all have. One of mine is, a love of a pew.
We think but very little of religion, when we forget proper hassocks.

I have, however, delayed you too long ; and indeed, except for
politeness' sake, know not why I should have written at all.

I therefore remain,

Your obedient Servant;

Ruth Doubleknot.

P. S. I shall be out all day to-morrow. At present—I say at
present—I know of no engagement for the next day ; no, not next
day—the day after ; for / hate a Thursday.

LORD LONDONDERRY'S PROTEST.

It has hitherto escaped the notice of our contemporaries that
Lord Londonderry has placed a protest on the journals of the
House, which, for conciseness of style, and closeness of reasoning, is
certainly very far superior to anything of even the late Lord Hol

INTENTIONS OF FRANCE.

esolutet.y determined there should be no war
between France and England, still we
may as well let our countrymen know what
they might have expected in the event of
hostilities ; for we have succeeded in
finding out the plans of the French from
a commercial traveller, in an Algerine
beard, who was bringing some ribands
from Paris—a pattern of which, as he be-
longed to the Legion of Honour, he was
privileged to wear in his button-hole.

The French intended to have landed
200,000 men at Folkestone, so that Van-
telini, of the Pavilion Hotel, would have
been prettily puzzled how to accommodate
his gallant countrymen. They would have
taken a special train up to the Bricklayers'
Arms, sacking the receipts of the company
at all the stations on the road up ; and they would then have bivouacked
on Kennington Common. The next morning they would have marched
into London, pillaged the Mint, turned the coffers of the Bank inside out,
and have proceeded thence by omnibus to the West End, where they
would have declared England a republic in the middle of Regent's Circus.
They would then have marched on Paddington, bombarded the Yorkshire
Stingo, and sent a detachment round St. James's Park to spike the gun
belonging to the Gun Tavern, immediately opposite Buckingham Palace.
They would then have taken a special train to Slough, and dictated the
terms of peace at Windsor Castle. Before showing the heads of a treaty,
they were to insist on having the heads of all the Ministers, particularly
that of the Duke op Wellington ; after which they purposed deposing
the Queen, and installing Tom Duncombe as First Consul, assisted by
Feargus O'Connor and Joseph Hume, as Tribunes of the people.

It will be seen that the whole of this account is very complete and
substantial, as far as the French are concerned ; but the statement omits
altogether one very essential point—namely, how the English meant to
employ themselves while the scenes above described were being enacted.

BEAUTY AND BUSINESS versus EARLY SHOPS.

We have received the following communications from persons interested
d s The reader will remember that the Lay Lords upon the late ^ ear] dogure of liueu° d s> shops . and> 0'n the principle o{

writ of error were entreated by the Lord Wharncliffe not to ^ both sideg of a stiou> we insert them :_

vote, as, having heard none of the arguments, they could not be sup-

l ^ed to know anything of the matter. Lord Londonderry's protest : Mr. Punch Sir,

• •, .„ , J . ° j n „ , ,i •___„ j___„ j„„„__,,,,_ lour wife ought to pull your ears : wouldn't I, if I were Judy!

it will be seen, a tremendous blow at this new and very dangerous , . 5. . 1 J , . ' ,. , ' . ,

j i ■ I will tell you why; for trying, as you do, to get linen-drapers to close their

cocaine, shops at eight or nine o'clock. Suppose a lady, late on Saturday night,

JaroifS*. sees, in the Magasin de Modes, a new lilac, or lavender (and it's just the

That having sat many years in the House of Lords—(in the same same with a shawl), that she would like to appear in at church the next
House which has been decorated by the eloquence of my late 1 day, why now all she has to do is to go and get it : whereas if the shops were
lamented relative, that did more for Ireland than any other states- shut, she would have to wait till the following Monday; and how would
man which has ever lived) -I hold it to be altogether and wholly j ffn hke that, if you were in her place! By the tune Monday came, very
i , ; i j .• i , • , , i hkely she wouldn t want it at all: and it isn't always convenient ior a lady

unconstitutional—completely and entirely and in every part subver- ' . , . t^„ „ i.-ni„ „__„ia <r d,,~„j, ^«ik.

, , . . 1 „ - ... TT „ , , ■ , „ I to so out in the morning. Do be a little considerate, Mr. Punch; really,

s.ve of the rights of the Peers of the United Kingdom which they are u .* tQQ bad of H° . wiU excuge haste aud s m &c,

born to and hold by birthright, to refrain from voting on the egre- | Ele'gante
gious and radical doctrine that they do not understand what they

P S. As to the young men sitting up an hour or so, getting pale, and
having little headaches, what is that to a lady's disappointment ?

vote upon.

That it is a constitutional and no less agreeable fiction of the law
that Peers are supposed to be born knowing everything : and that j
even if they know nothing—which is never the case—when they are Punch !

elevated to the upper House, such elevation does immediately impart ! What busine" have >'ou *? dlctate fc0 U3 ^t0 when we ou-ht

to them all the science of government. They take such science as
children take the smali-pox, by mixing with them which have it.

to shut up shop ? It is no affair of yours. A man has a right to do
what he likes with his own ; and his shop is his own ; and so are the shop-
{ men in it, as long as he pays them. You talk about their wanting
That with this belief I have unhesitatingly voted, and ever should ! ,-ecreation ; but why are they to have recreation at our expense 1 What
wish to vote, upon any and every question : and that if I have not do we get by their recreation ? Their " mental culture," as you call it,
exercised my born birthright upon the late writ of error, it is simply j is nothing to us. We hire them to increase our business, not to improve

because I was not in the House, and for no other cause, let, or
hindrance whatsoever.

That firmly attached to the constitution—which my lamented
relative did more to uphold than any other Minister which ever was
— [ have entered this protest, that my late absence (and with it my
unavoidable silence) may not be taken for a precedent.

That to forego this privilege would soon reduce the British consti

heir minds. Besides, we do very well without it. and why shouldn't
they? As to their morals, I'in sure we attend quite enough to them.
We teach them not to embezzle goods, or rob the till ; and we prosecute
them if they do. Besides, morals may be carried too far. An assistant
must stretch a point, now and then, to get an article off. A pretty sort of
morals, too, I call it, to cheat an employer out of three or four hours a
day. At is. a day's wages, reckoning fifteen hours a day, four hours
would be Is. Of'/., and a fraction over, downright plunder. What have you

tution to the state of Constantinople (my Voyage to which is still to got to say to that? As to injuring their health by confinement and late
be had at a reduced price, in a new edition, of Ma. Colburn, Marl- 1 how», that is their look out. Our object is to get as much work out of
borough-street). Ithem as we caa ; if the>' don fc llke *• they may e lt-

lL®$iB®®&<!£li&®- I A Master Linendraper.