DOI Heft:
January to June, 1845
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16521#0074
78
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE
WHOLE DUTY OF WOMAN
by a pupil of mrs. ellis.
incerely, my dear, I am going to offer you
a few words of advice as to the conduct and
PUNCH'S NOY'S MAXIMS.
10. Unumquodque dissolvitur eo modo quo colligatur. Everything ia
dissolved by the same mode in which it is bound together.—In reading
this maxim we involuntarily exclaim, " Oh law !" for nothing but law
would venture on such a bold assertion as the above, which is almost
enough to call a blush into our modest pen, by turning red the ink we are
behaviour most calculated to insure your! writing with. If the maxim were true, that everything is dissolved by
happiness ; and I am sure you will take it j the mode in which it is bound together, ice would be dissolved by freezing,
kuidiy of me, considering the experience I , and a hard-boiled egg would be rendered soft by again boiling it. What
have had, and your early time of life. What j is palpably false may, however, be legally true, and the maxim is good
an advantage it is to be told things, instead , Jaw though it is very bad morality. Thus an obligation in writing cannot
of having to find them out ? I wish I had | be discharged by mere words—as, if a man has given a bill, all the
had somebody to advise me when I was at j talking in the world will not take it up. And the old English maxim,
your age. that « fine wor(js butter no parsnips " had probably reference to a written
Of course, my dear, between ourselves, contract, wherein A., after having undertaken to butter certain parsnips
almost every young woman is either married belonging to B., endeavoured to release himself from the obligation bv a
or intends to be. It is what we have to little of what the American authorities usually term "soft sawder."
look to, poor things ! Now, in order to An act of Parliament can only be avoided by an act of Parliament ;
get married, my love, you must learn and, doubtless to save trouble, Parliament frequently provides for this
to manage yourself; and, after you have it, one and the same act, by leaving loopholes in 'it, which render it
got married, to manage your husband : easily voidable.
and both together is what 1 call the Whole' , rT , , . ,. , . , , „ ■ ,
Dutv of Woman 0 c'alnis a thing by a superior title shall neither gain nor
As long as' you are single and looking : [ose ^ iL~" Though/' says Knight Bruce, " if a purchaser claims from
out, your first study must be to control his wine-merehant a dozen of champagne, and gets gooseberry, thus in
your inclinations. All of us, you know, f*°\ claiming the gooseberry by the superior title of champagne, he does
have our little failings ; the great thing is to conceal them. For instance, both a"d l°se '* forJ.he gains experience, and loses the value of his
dear, suppose you have a hearty appetite, you should restrain this a little nione-v- , In th* old edltlons of IS0T' we ar<\ to'd ln. lustration of tm,
in company; it is a thing that many gentlemen (particularly the most maxlm> that *f aQ feeutor recovers and dies intestate, and J. S.
susceptible) object to ; and vou can indemnify yourself by a nice sunper admln^s to the goods of the first testator, J. S shall no sue out
in your own room. You will thus, dear, please the kind of men who execution upon recovery.' The only difficulty about this case
make the best husbands-those most easily managed. Always keep down aP^ars t0 h* how the executor happened to die, when we are distinctly
your temper, my dear ; never speak sharply, or look cross, whatever recovered.
you may feel ; and be cautious, my love, how you talk scandal, or say 12. Debile fundamentum fallit opus. A weak foundation destroys the
spiteful things of friends behind their backs : many good catches are superstructure.—Thus, a very seedy coat will ruin the effect of a new
lost by little weaknesses peeping out. If, my dear, you have any personal hat, and a horse will inevitably break down if he has not a leg to stand
blemish, or peculiarity, which you. think would prevent a certain person j upon. If he who claims the freehold is defeated, all his tenants are
from liking you, liide it from him if you can, and let him find it out after defeated also, because the foundation is gone : and so, if the parlours
you are married. I (occupied by the landlord) should tumble in, the floors above (let out in
If anybody is attached to you, never contradict him, dear, but fall in , lodgings) would be sure to follow,
with all his little wishes and whims, however unreasonable. In short,
devote yourself to him entirely; your turn will come.
When you are married, my dear, you should pursue another course
altogether. The object of all husbands is, to put upon their wives as
much as they can, by making perfect slaves of them, and stinting them
in their pleasures and enjoyments so as to have the more to lay out on | A and influential meeti of the students of-'s Hospital
themselves. You will most likely find your husband very near. He wi ; wag convened last evening, in the Materia Medica Theatre, to pass a
be trying to calculate how much you require for housekeeping, and wdl j yote of thanks t0 Punch & The adjournment to trie marble halls of a
want to allow you so much and no more. At the end of the week or ; neighbouring tavern was proposed bv Mr. Jones, and rapturously carried,
month, he will ask to look over your account-book, to see how the money ^ ffrou°d that <<a pleasant combination of the ' utile et dulce ' would
has gone. JN'ow, my dear, you will find that there are numerous trifling ^ oeeeffected "
extras that you will want, which you would wish him to know nothing 3 ^ ' , , , . TT ■,
about ; little suppers .when he is absent; presents to friends, and a thou- ! Mr- Davis> an old student, was elected to the chair. He commenced
sand other odds and ends. You will make these up by putting a half- b.v re^mg a le"er irom the Demonstrator, who regretted that, in conse-
penny or a penny a pound upon the tea or sugar ; or* by charging so I clueuce ol his P<?lka class noting _ that evening, he was reluctantly corn-
much for imaginary soap or pearl-ash. And then, love, if you find him Pelled t0 absent lnmself' , Thf chairman went on to address the meeting
questioning the price of this thing, or inquiring about the quantity of that, " He ftrst congratulated his friends on the adjournment. He descanted
you must seem hurt and angry, as if he doubted or mistrusted you : and with great eloquence and feeling on the advantages of the beverage winch
if he persists in being inquisitive, you should get into a little pet with him, stood before each of them- Having <luoted some alleieut wr#» to prove
slam the door, and run up stairs crying. And observe, when there is a that ™ XW*™* was appreciated even at an early period, he enforced
^"between you, never come to till he has made amends, by promising the necessity of unanimity in the present state of the profession Lie
you something that you want ; a bracelet, for instance, or a new bonnet, : Paid a high compliment to the exhilarating effects of Punch, and stated
or dress. that he should propose its insertion, as a most agreeable excitant, in the
Your husband will sometimes wish you to wear a particular sort of cap,
or other article or ornament ; if he does, let it be a bargain between you
for some concession, or indulgence. He may not behave himself at all
times as you could wish; in that case, dear, there are plenty of ways to
bring a man to reason. His buttons may be not sewn on ; his dinner
kept -waiting-; pickles or potatoes not provided ; and there may be nothing
for him but a cold shoulder when he expects a hot joint. There are two
things, in conclusion, love, that I would strongly impress upon you. One
is—never let your husband have a latch-key, or he will take advantage
of it to stay out. The other is this—tell nobody your age ; for, recollect,
my dear, that human life, is uncertain. You may become a widow ; and,
in that case, find the disclosure a disadvantage.
HOMAGE TO FUNCH.
LITERARY " FELO-DE-SE."
The Metropolitan Magazine of this month has an article entitled
'' Wild Revenge : a Tale of Mull." Our contemporary really is getting
Unnecessarily candid.
next edition of the London Pharmacopoeia." He concluded by calling on
Mr. Brown to address the meeting.
Mr. Brown rose and said—" Gentlemen, I am no speaker, and shall
therefore only detain you while I relate an allegory. The scene was a
barren common. An old man was at the point of death ; the vultures
were hovering over him in longing anticipation of a rich repast. Crowds
passed unheeding. Presently one stopped near him and lent him a helping
hand. Time went on : the* old man recovered to bless and recompense
his benefactor. The old man, gentlemen, is the profession ; the vultures,
the quacks ; the friend in need, Punch. {Immense applause.) I propose
that the thanks of this meeting be emphatically given to Mr. Punch for
his zealous labours in our behalf." ( The meeting here rose to a man.)
Mr. Green got up in a very excited state to second the resolution. He
was unable to find words to' express his indignation at the bill. His
tailor's bill was nothing to it. He gasped for utterance, and at length sat
down exhausted. A gentle stimulus, in the form of a go of whiskey, was
exhibited, and he soon recovered.
The resolution was carried nem. con., thanks voted to the chairman,
and the meeting settled down to harmony.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE
WHOLE DUTY OF WOMAN
by a pupil of mrs. ellis.
incerely, my dear, I am going to offer you
a few words of advice as to the conduct and
PUNCH'S NOY'S MAXIMS.
10. Unumquodque dissolvitur eo modo quo colligatur. Everything ia
dissolved by the same mode in which it is bound together.—In reading
this maxim we involuntarily exclaim, " Oh law !" for nothing but law
would venture on such a bold assertion as the above, which is almost
enough to call a blush into our modest pen, by turning red the ink we are
behaviour most calculated to insure your! writing with. If the maxim were true, that everything is dissolved by
happiness ; and I am sure you will take it j the mode in which it is bound together, ice would be dissolved by freezing,
kuidiy of me, considering the experience I , and a hard-boiled egg would be rendered soft by again boiling it. What
have had, and your early time of life. What j is palpably false may, however, be legally true, and the maxim is good
an advantage it is to be told things, instead , Jaw though it is very bad morality. Thus an obligation in writing cannot
of having to find them out ? I wish I had | be discharged by mere words—as, if a man has given a bill, all the
had somebody to advise me when I was at j talking in the world will not take it up. And the old English maxim,
your age. that « fine wor(js butter no parsnips " had probably reference to a written
Of course, my dear, between ourselves, contract, wherein A., after having undertaken to butter certain parsnips
almost every young woman is either married belonging to B., endeavoured to release himself from the obligation bv a
or intends to be. It is what we have to little of what the American authorities usually term "soft sawder."
look to, poor things ! Now, in order to An act of Parliament can only be avoided by an act of Parliament ;
get married, my love, you must learn and, doubtless to save trouble, Parliament frequently provides for this
to manage yourself; and, after you have it, one and the same act, by leaving loopholes in 'it, which render it
got married, to manage your husband : easily voidable.
and both together is what 1 call the Whole' , rT , , . ,. , . , , „ ■ ,
Dutv of Woman 0 c'alnis a thing by a superior title shall neither gain nor
As long as' you are single and looking : [ose ^ iL~" Though/' says Knight Bruce, " if a purchaser claims from
out, your first study must be to control his wine-merehant a dozen of champagne, and gets gooseberry, thus in
your inclinations. All of us, you know, f*°\ claiming the gooseberry by the superior title of champagne, he does
have our little failings ; the great thing is to conceal them. For instance, both a"d l°se '* forJ.he gains experience, and loses the value of his
dear, suppose you have a hearty appetite, you should restrain this a little nione-v- , In th* old edltlons of IS0T' we ar<\ to'd ln. lustration of tm,
in company; it is a thing that many gentlemen (particularly the most maxlm> that *f aQ feeutor recovers and dies intestate, and J. S.
susceptible) object to ; and vou can indemnify yourself by a nice sunper admln^s to the goods of the first testator, J. S shall no sue out
in your own room. You will thus, dear, please the kind of men who execution upon recovery.' The only difficulty about this case
make the best husbands-those most easily managed. Always keep down aP^ars t0 h* how the executor happened to die, when we are distinctly
your temper, my dear ; never speak sharply, or look cross, whatever recovered.
you may feel ; and be cautious, my love, how you talk scandal, or say 12. Debile fundamentum fallit opus. A weak foundation destroys the
spiteful things of friends behind their backs : many good catches are superstructure.—Thus, a very seedy coat will ruin the effect of a new
lost by little weaknesses peeping out. If, my dear, you have any personal hat, and a horse will inevitably break down if he has not a leg to stand
blemish, or peculiarity, which you. think would prevent a certain person j upon. If he who claims the freehold is defeated, all his tenants are
from liking you, liide it from him if you can, and let him find it out after defeated also, because the foundation is gone : and so, if the parlours
you are married. I (occupied by the landlord) should tumble in, the floors above (let out in
If anybody is attached to you, never contradict him, dear, but fall in , lodgings) would be sure to follow,
with all his little wishes and whims, however unreasonable. In short,
devote yourself to him entirely; your turn will come.
When you are married, my dear, you should pursue another course
altogether. The object of all husbands is, to put upon their wives as
much as they can, by making perfect slaves of them, and stinting them
in their pleasures and enjoyments so as to have the more to lay out on | A and influential meeti of the students of-'s Hospital
themselves. You will most likely find your husband very near. He wi ; wag convened last evening, in the Materia Medica Theatre, to pass a
be trying to calculate how much you require for housekeeping, and wdl j yote of thanks t0 Punch & The adjournment to trie marble halls of a
want to allow you so much and no more. At the end of the week or ; neighbouring tavern was proposed bv Mr. Jones, and rapturously carried,
month, he will ask to look over your account-book, to see how the money ^ ffrou°d that <<a pleasant combination of the ' utile et dulce ' would
has gone. JN'ow, my dear, you will find that there are numerous trifling ^ oeeeffected "
extras that you will want, which you would wish him to know nothing 3 ^ ' , , , . TT ■,
about ; little suppers .when he is absent; presents to friends, and a thou- ! Mr- Davis> an old student, was elected to the chair. He commenced
sand other odds and ends. You will make these up by putting a half- b.v re^mg a le"er irom the Demonstrator, who regretted that, in conse-
penny or a penny a pound upon the tea or sugar ; or* by charging so I clueuce ol his P<?lka class noting _ that evening, he was reluctantly corn-
much for imaginary soap or pearl-ash. And then, love, if you find him Pelled t0 absent lnmself' , Thf chairman went on to address the meeting
questioning the price of this thing, or inquiring about the quantity of that, " He ftrst congratulated his friends on the adjournment. He descanted
you must seem hurt and angry, as if he doubted or mistrusted you : and with great eloquence and feeling on the advantages of the beverage winch
if he persists in being inquisitive, you should get into a little pet with him, stood before each of them- Having <luoted some alleieut wr#» to prove
slam the door, and run up stairs crying. And observe, when there is a that ™ XW*™* was appreciated even at an early period, he enforced
^"between you, never come to till he has made amends, by promising the necessity of unanimity in the present state of the profession Lie
you something that you want ; a bracelet, for instance, or a new bonnet, : Paid a high compliment to the exhilarating effects of Punch, and stated
or dress. that he should propose its insertion, as a most agreeable excitant, in the
Your husband will sometimes wish you to wear a particular sort of cap,
or other article or ornament ; if he does, let it be a bargain between you
for some concession, or indulgence. He may not behave himself at all
times as you could wish; in that case, dear, there are plenty of ways to
bring a man to reason. His buttons may be not sewn on ; his dinner
kept -waiting-; pickles or potatoes not provided ; and there may be nothing
for him but a cold shoulder when he expects a hot joint. There are two
things, in conclusion, love, that I would strongly impress upon you. One
is—never let your husband have a latch-key, or he will take advantage
of it to stay out. The other is this—tell nobody your age ; for, recollect,
my dear, that human life, is uncertain. You may become a widow ; and,
in that case, find the disclosure a disadvantage.
HOMAGE TO FUNCH.
LITERARY " FELO-DE-SE."
The Metropolitan Magazine of this month has an article entitled
'' Wild Revenge : a Tale of Mull." Our contemporary really is getting
Unnecessarily candid.
next edition of the London Pharmacopoeia." He concluded by calling on
Mr. Brown to address the meeting.
Mr. Brown rose and said—" Gentlemen, I am no speaker, and shall
therefore only detain you while I relate an allegory. The scene was a
barren common. An old man was at the point of death ; the vultures
were hovering over him in longing anticipation of a rich repast. Crowds
passed unheeding. Presently one stopped near him and lent him a helping
hand. Time went on : the* old man recovered to bless and recompense
his benefactor. The old man, gentlemen, is the profession ; the vultures,
the quacks ; the friend in need, Punch. {Immense applause.) I propose
that the thanks of this meeting be emphatically given to Mr. Punch for
his zealous labours in our behalf." ( The meeting here rose to a man.)
Mr. Green got up in a very excited state to second the resolution. He
was unable to find words to' express his indignation at the bill. His
tailor's bill was nothing to it. He gasped for utterance, and at length sat
down exhausted. A gentle stimulus, in the form of a go of whiskey, was
exhibited, and he soon recovered.
The resolution was carried nem. con., thanks voted to the chairman,
and the meeting settled down to harmony.