Punch (8.1845)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

12"

YOUNG ENGLAND'S LAMENT.

[Yomvu England discovered sitting dolorously be/ore his parlour-
fire : he grievously wailelh as follows : — ]

I really can't imagine why,

With my confess'd ability—
From the ungrateful Tories, I

Get nothing-but civility.

The " independent" dodge I've tried,

I've also tried sex*vility ;—
It's all the same, —they won't provide,—

I only get-civility.

I've flattered Peel ; he smiles back thanks

With Belial's own tranquillity ;
But still he keeps me in " the ranks,"

And pays me-with civility.

SCIENCE FOR JUVENILES.

We have received a ticket of admission to a series of Lectures ou
Physiology and Physical Geography, to be delivered by Da. Imlach, at a
school-room in Sittingbourne. The Doctor is exceedingly moderate in his
demand ; for he asks only half-a-crown for the course from adults, and
he takes in children at a shilling. We should be curious to see the effect
produced by alternate doses of Physiology and Physical Geography on a
juvenile audience. He must administer the stuff on very homoeopathic
principles, or the constitution of children would never be able to resist
the force of such, a powerful opiate. The subjects of the Lectures are
given on the card of admission, which we have taken the liberty of
slightly varying, in order to adapt them to the infantine capacity :—

Distinction between the Animal and the Vegetable Kingdom—Cows

and Cowcumbers, Horse and Horseradish.
Animal Functions—The Duties of Donkeys.

The Properties of Matter. Song—" Oh, dear, what can the matter
be?"

Vegetable Distribution—Pelting with Cabbages at the Westminster
Election.

Water in its Different Forms—Brandy-and-Water. Glee—"Mynheer
Van Dunck."

The Theory of Light and Heat — Coals and Caudles. Grand Finale—
•' Rule Britannia."

THE ELECTRIC PARLIAMENT.

t being universally admitted that people die i ir
want of breath, the great waste of that valuable
article which occurs nightly in Parliament must
be admitted to be as awful as it is useless. The
philanthropist, therefore, no less than the Utili-
tarian, will hail any invention whereby a saving
in that respect may be effected. Such an inven-
tion philosophy now presents to legislation
through Punch in the Electric Telegraph. Let
conducting wires be laid down at the nation's
expense, from St. Stephen's to every county,
borough, or other place which returns members
to Parliament, each being connected with a gal-
vanic arrangement similar to that in use on the
Great Western Railway.

Thus the senatorial and personal seats of
Honourable Members will be identified; for gen-
tlemen will be enabled, sitting at home in their
easy-chairs, to express themselves in electric
short-hand. It will be only necessary to have a
working committee to sit in each House, in order
I II IST to take down what falls, or rather, radiates, from

*e, w°rr'ed him, I ve sneered at him. « R V ^ 8eVeral senators. At this employment noble

I ve threatened bold hostility,— \ M lords and honourable gentlemen can take turns;

But no—he still preserves his im-
perturbable civility.

If not the birth, at least I've now
The manners of nobility ;

But yet Sir Robert scorns to bow
With more than mere civility.

Well, I've been pretty mild as yet,
But now I '11 try scurrility ;

It's very hard if that don't get
Me more than mere civility.

HIBERNIAN HUMANITY

The following advertisement, which actually appeared in a recent
number of Saundeis's News-Letter—a well-known Dublin paper—will
ihow that justice is really wanted for Ireland :—

THREATENING NOTICES.—The Nobility and Gentry of Ireland are
hereby informed that J. Lampekt, W- Street, has, after much trouble

and expense, succeeded in making a Ball-proof Coat of Mail, which will be found
useful to such gentlemen as may require them."

The Nobility and Gentry must be very pleasantly situated to be in need
of ball-proof coats—an article of manufacture that might, by the way, be
patronised by Louis-Philippe, who might find it even more convenient
than the ball-proof carriage he is compelled by the patriotic empressement
of some of his subjectB to travel in.

There is something peculiarly Irish in omitting all security for the
head, which is the point that the assassin usually aims at. The ball-proof
coat is incomplete without a ball-proof hat, a ball-proof shirt-collar, and,
perhaps, to render assurance doubly sure, a pair of ball-proof spectacles.

relieving each other in gangs, which may go and
leave town if they like, when off duty. The ad-
vantages of this arrangement will be numerous.
Debaters, in the first instance, will be the better able to think before they
deliver their sentiments ; whereby they will probably say much less, in
fact, and somewhat more to the purpose, than they generally do now.
The instances in which they commit themselves, or expose themselrea to
be committed, will be fewer: and it will be at the committee's discretion
—a virtue for which they will be selected,—what questions to put or
remarks to make ; so that of course they will abstain from communicating
those which are silly or impertinent. This will be another large economy
of words.

Whistlings, hootings, groans, and crowings will from their very nature be
incommunicable; collisions between Brougham and Campbell impossible ;
time, therefore, will be saved, and respectability promoted, in the House
of Commons particularly. Members are to address the House in regular
rotation ; whereby all disputes about precedence will be avoided. Members
on their legs are at present often roughly interrupted, which will not
happen with them on their wires. It is true that by this plan members at
a distance will be prevented from hearing each other's arguments ; but
since they never attend to them as it is, this will be of no consequence.
The next day's Times will report their speeches to the country, which is
all they want. A more serious objection is, that it may be difficult to teach
all of them to use the electric telegraph ; and perhaps electricity must be
made easy for Sibthorp. But then it is not every-body who has some-
thing worth hearing to say. On the whole, this application of the silent
system to Parliamentary Debates will work admirably.

the cure as bad as the complaint.

The universal inquiry is, where can all the base coin that is about
London have come from ? Surely it is not in consequence of a dividend
having been paid on the Pennsylvanian bonds last week 1