Punch (8.1845)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

205

stiffly on his chair ; not a smile was visible ; the wine went round rapidly, but in silence. The host
made a mild remark on the weather. A young man took it up. It went round three who sat next
him ; the fourth attempted to keep it up; but, after a desperate struggle, dropped it again, and all
was silent as before.

" No ribaldry, no excess, you observe," again whispered my host. We answered conscientiously,
" Quite the reverse."'

The young man who sat next me, at this moment kicked me violently on the shin, under the
table, and winked. At the same moment, a sort of general winking went round the table ; but no
one said anything. It was very dreary.

" You were at lecture, this morning, Mr. Bolt," inquired Mb.-. after another prolonged

silence. " Oh yes, Sir," answered Mr. Bolt cheerful'y. " I did not see you," was the mild
rejoinder. Bolt blushed, but said nothing.

The weather was again discussed ; that is, Mr.-made a remark to which every one assented.

" Are they not a well-conducted set of young men ? " inquired Mr.--- of ourselves, in a whisper.

'•' Particularly so," we replied, with a full sense of our wretchedness. " A beautiful relation ! " sighed
Mr.-. " I stand to these young men in loco parentis."

We sat in that room for two mortal hours, and, in despair, we took too much Port wine. At least,
we suppose we must have done so, for we have a faint recollection of making a joke, and giving an
imitation of the pandean pipes, and of being forcibly taken out of the room by two young men, who,
placing us under the spout of the conduit in the great court, turned the cock upon our head, and
gradually restored us to ourselves. Our first reflection was—" Decidedly our child shall come to the
University. He will there be freed from the influences of his father's unfortunate position, and
acquire that horror of jokes and laughter so essential to respectability and success in any of the
learned profes=ions."

Nine o'clock came, and we sought the rooms of Mr. Slapperton. What was our surprise at

encountering the same young men we had left at Mr.-'s rooms, with some few additions. We

bore the impress of Mr. -'s party on our face, and seemed as if we had never been guilty of a

joke in our life. We looked round—there was a broad grin on every face—and a burst of laughter
almost startled us out of our chair. It was followed by a " Hip ! Hip ! Hurrah ! "—that might have

wakened the Ghost of Newton in the chapel. Jokes, fun, slang, songs, stories more or less improper,
broke in rapid succession from those dumb mouths —the statues were animated—the Orsons were
endowed—no—not with reason. They seized us ; they placed us in the chair. They danced around
us to rough and extempore music of knives and forks and glasses ! The room grew a social
Pandemonium, and even we — used to such scenes in other places — were bewildered by the
desperate joviality of these young men, who but three hours before might have been Trappists or
Pythagoreans.

And we sang, and we spoke, and we drank, and we were drunk—first, on our absence, then on
our return. Then on getting up to give a sentiment—then on falling underneath the table—where
we were found amongst the wreck, the next morning, by the bed-maker.

" Decidedly," thought we, as we wended our way to the Lodge, a sadder and a wiser man—" We
won't send our child to the University."

Delightful Novelty.

We are charmed to see in the shops a new portrait of Prince Albert. It was very much wanted ;
and makes, we think, the forty-fifth this year.

MORE NOVELTY.—ROYAL ACADEMY.
The finest miniature in the room at the Academy is Thorburn's new picture of Field Marshal
His Royal Highness Prince Albert. This must be, in consequence, the forty-sixth.

THE

STANDING JOKES OF LONDON.

Perhaps there is no city in the world sv.
rich in works of comic art as London. We
do not allude to the caricatures in the print-
shops, or even to the paintings of Hogarth in
the National Gallery : we rather contemplate
that Gallery itself than any pictures in it. Our
remark, in fact, has reference to the various
buildings, statues, and structures erected of
lute years in different parts of the metropolis.
We may specify, for instance, the Fountains
in Trafalgar Square, and the adjacent image
of George the Fourth riding his horse to
water. The reverend father of that monarch,
with his pigtail, a little further west, may
also exemplify our observation. We consider
these objects to ttand in much the same rela-
tion to their respective localities as that which
a wafer on the end of the human nose would
hold to that organ ; or we might compare them
to those effigies which are sometimes exhibited
in corn-fields for the preservation of the crop.
The authorities are greatly to be commended
for thus catering to the amusement of the
public, in providing the passenger at almost
every step with an object calculated to promote
mirth ; but yet it is a pity that they do not go
the whole hog, or Goth, in a spirit of true
British burlesque.

Why not, for the future, select designs for
" improvements " by a competition somewhat
on the principle of a donkey-race, preference
being given to the most absurd and taste-
less ? Who knows but that some humourist
may conceive an eye-sore even more ridiculous
than the squirting dumb-waiters—the Tra-
falgar fountains—above mentioned % There
are no limits to human whimsicality. At
the same time we should be thankful for what
we have got. Butts were formerly erected
for the encouragement of archery ; and these
decorations being a sort of butts at which all
manner of persons may aim their jokes, indi-
cate a revival of the good old times. And
perhaps, since the oddities in question are
seriously meant to be ornamental, they create
more diversion on the whole than they would,
had they been intended to be funny. In these
embellishments the Public is provided with
standing jokes—cut, however, we must add,
at its own expense.

A MONSTER PORTFOLIO-

At the dinner given by the directors of
the Hungerford Suspension Bridge on its
opening, it was stated that the bridge had
remained for six years in the portfolio of
Mr. Brunel. We have heard of all sorts of
things lying in a nutshell, but a bridge lying
in a portfolio is something quite new, and,
indeed, to us it appears very like a crammer.

IMPORTANT TO LADIES WITH THIN
SHOES.

We understand some enterprising crossing-
sweepers intend starting a company to supply
the metropolis with an improved watering-
cart, that throws out a double quantity of
water, as they have found from experience
that the more the streets are made impas-
sable from mud in the fine weather, the
greater the traffic, and profit over their
crossings. To quote their own words :
"There is nothing like a good watering-cart
for bringing down the dust."