Punch (9.1845)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

29

PUNCH'S GUIDE TO SERVANTS.

THE CLERK.

he word Clerk, which was formerly synony-
mous with clergyman, included all who had
taken orders, and the clerk to this day takes
the orders of the customer, or follows the
orders of his principal. Clerks are those
engaged in the departments of trade or busi-
ness that require the pen, and any clerk
ought therefore to be pen-ny wise, though he
should by no means be pound foolish.

There are almost as many varieties of
clerks, as there are different sorts of cloth,
from the extra superfine government official
down to the coarse copying article in an
attorney's office.

The education of a clerk is of course a
matter of importance, and the following in-
structions to a parent, intending his child for
the desk, should be implicitly followed. First
take your son, and soak him well in spelling
and writing. Grind in a few ounces of gram-
mar, stuff with arithmetic, and season with
geography. Lard with a little Latin, and
baste with birch whenever you find it
requisite. Serve up on a high stool, at the first convenient opportunity.
As our guide is not intended for the parents of clerks, but for clerks
themselves, we proceed to give the latter a few general directions for
their moral and intellectual guidance.

Recreation will probably be the first consideration with the clerk him-
self, and we therefore proceed to give this branch of the subject our very
earliest attention. The term "recreation" does not necessarily apply to the
time after office-hours, for in the absence of the principals the course of
the day will furnish many opportunities for relaxation from the toils of
business. The newspaper, for instance, expands the mind, and is easily
put down when you hear any one coming ; while in some offices, not liable
to very sudden intrusion, a game at cribbage—which is a great quickener
of the faculties—may be ventured on. Where the clerks are all on

friendly terms, and particularly in a government office, leap-frog is an * "l V"a FulFu;:"; "lcic 10 ""ul° ul •> omP^> ""'=J'lJ ^"^"i""^ "T~

r, '. / . * 1 en *u„ *•„ u * 1__• * ,l u- <■ may be played at all reasonable hours with any other juvenile clerk who

agreeable exercise ; lor it not only fills up the time, but obviates the chief J , K. J , , • n 3 j ± J

be sure not to raise your eyes from a desk at which you are engaged,
in drawing some figures on a pad, probably for your own amusement ;
and if you are laughing or joking with a fellow-clerk, do not cut short a
good story to attend to an impatient fellow who comes to pay in or draw
out money.

Railway Clerks are next in importance, and they should endeavour to
show their dignity by declining to speak to any one who addresses them.
If information is wanted, there are the printed bills to afford it ; for the
duty of the Railway Clerk is confined to taking the fares, and giving the
tickets. If you are in this situation, you should not make yourself too
cheap, and you should therefore only be visible a few minutes before the
starting of the train, when, as a crowd will have been waiting impa-
tiently for you for some time, you will be sure at least of a welcome.
Always give the tickets very slowly ; for as patience is a virtue, you
should take every opportunity of teaching others to practise it.

We now come to Law Clerks, who are divided into Articled Clerks,
Attorneys' Clerks, and the Clerks of Barristers.

Articled Clerks, who have paid a good premium, may imitate those in
the government offices to a certain extent; but they must be guided by
discretion, for people will not always put up with airs from any one in au
attorney's office.

The Copying Clerk can only enhance his dignity by using the word WE
when speaking of the firm, and talking of his principal to other clerics as
So and So, without the complimentary prefix of Mister to his surname.
The poor fellow may also flirt with the house-servant, in the hope of
getting an occasional draught of small beer or a hunch of bread and
cheese when he pops down into the kitchen.

We have now nothing left but the Barrister's Clerk, who derives his
consequence or the reverse from the standing at the bar or the utter
brieflessness of his employer. A Barrister's Clerk should never expose
the professional secrets of his master ; but if a client should come with
even a simple motion of course, the clerk should search a large book
containing an imaginary list to see whether We—for the Barrister's
Clerk usually says We—are retained for the other side. If you have
nothing to do at chambers, you may endorse some dummies with tre-
mendous ideal fees in very large figures, and write in a very legible hand
"With you, Mr. Attorney-General," or "Consultation at the
Solicitor-General's Chambers at Six," and these should be left lying
in such a position that every one who comes into the chambers cannot
avoid seeing them. If your master's practice is so notoriously nominal
that this "dodge " could not by any possibility succeed, you, who are his
clerk, will probably be a boy, and you will require juvenile recreation.
For this purpose there is the whole of the Temple, where pitch-and-toss

objection to the employment of a clerk, on the ground of its being seden-
tary. After office-hours you will of course be your own master, and the
improvement of your mind will be your chief object.

The great struggle for the emancipation of the commercial intellect is
one in which you are interested, and perhaps no revolution was ever so
important as the great counter-revolution which the metropolitan shopmen
are now engaged in. You will of course range yourself under the banner
of " early closing," and will rally round the said measure in defence of
your evenings to yourselves, your domestic hearths, your half-prices at
the theatres, your mental improvement, your billiards, your books,
your Mechanics' Institutions, your free-aud-easies, your cigars, your
philosophy, and your brandy-and-water. You will fraternise with those
gallant linendrapers who have sworn to bring freedom home to their
country's counters, and who would rather perish at the scissars' point than
lose one quarter of a nail of the great principle they are contending for.

Amid the recreations you may select for the evening, you will be told
to avoid excitement, and certainly an excited clerk must be an object of
some curiosity, if not of downright ridicule. Beware of literary ambition,
and do not covet the mad enjoyment of contributing an occasional pun or
gush of poetical passion to the pages of a periodical. Many a clerk has
found a premature garret, and sunk into an early workhouse through
having given way to the promptings of poesy. We knew a case of a poor
boy who soared on the wings of a conundrum into the Temple of Fame,
and out of the Inner Temple, where he held the situation of clerk to a
very promising junior barrister. Avoid the printer as you would the
devil ; and eschew the Pierian Spring as you would the plug, when the
water is rushing fiercely out of it.

Having given a few directions for the guidance of all clerks in general,
let us look at some of the particular kinds, and set down a few rules
applicable to each of the various classes.

The first clerk of all is the Government Clerk, whose situation is the
most difficult of all ; for the filling up of the office-hours from ten till
four will require a great amount of ingenuity. The newspaper will

may be disposed for the pastime alluded to.

One of the greatest accomplishments of a Barrister's Clerk consists in
knowing how to shirk attendance at chambers, and what notices placed
on the door are the best adapted to lull suspicion. " Return in an hour " is
a standard rule in all cases of vagueness, for the chance of your coming
back is so void for remoteness, that few would come to test the validity of
the document at the time when you have made yourself returnable.
" Gone to Westminster " looks extremely well upon the door, and may-
apply to your master as well as to yourself. So that when you know he is
either fishing or shooting in the country, and is sure not to come back and
find you out, you may put up the notice alluded to with credit to all
parties.

Epigram.

Says Ainsworth to Colburn,

" A plan in my pate is,
To give my romance, as

A supplement, gratis."

Says Colburn to Ainsworth,

" 'Twill do very nicely,
For that will be charging

Its value precisely."

LEGAL RETRIBUTION.

Considerable sensation has been excited among that happily limited
portion of the bar which comprises attorney, counsel, clerk, and client,
all in one, by the unceremonious disrobing of one of the crew, which the
Benchers of Gray's Inn have very properly resorted to. The learned
individuals who hang about the outskirts of the Old Bailey, extending
. their bags for briefs, and holding out their wigs in the hope of getting
furnish conversation, and, in the early part of the month, the magazines ' fees thrown into them, have been subjected to a heavy blow and great

will afford light reading that will be a relief to the dreadful monotony of < discouragement. Self-instruction may be all very well in an educational
doing nothing. It need hardly be suggested, that if a stranger should 1 sense, but when a counsel begins instructing himself, the transaction is
enter, he must be received with a stare and a yawn, while some of the sure to be dubious. We are delighted at the determination ot the
old authorities recommend the whistling of a popular air from the last Benchers of Gray's Inn to keep the forensic bombazin unsullied, aud the
new opera. j white cravat of the Courts completely spotless. The wig oi the advocate

The Bank Clerk differs from the Government Clerk apparently, rather ought not to be even suspected, lest he bring down the legal horse-hair
tkan essentially. If an individual enters with a cheque to be changed, 1 in shame and sorrow to the grave.