Punch (9.1845)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

PUNCH'S GUIDE TO SERVANTS.

THE COOK.

ob ages it has been believed that a certain
wicked person sends cooks ; but John-
son has well observed, and so by the
bye have Smith and Brown, that " if
we had no cooks, we should be as bad
as cannibals."

Cooks have always been the subject
of sarcasm, and Jones tells us, that
even in his day the wits loved to give
the cooks a good roasting. It is said,
moreover, that " too many cooks will
spoil the broth," from which we may
presume, that as the workhouse broth
is the very worst in the world, a great
many cooks must have a hand in it.
Apicius was the first man who made
cookery a science, and he poisoned him-
self ; no doubt with his own cookery.
He invented several sauces, and was,
in fact, the Roman Harvey. He is
believed to have been the first who
added the trimmings to legs of mutton, and he took for his motto the line
111 Virgil :—

" At Regina grnvi jumdudum saueia curd."

^cause the luxury of gravy, jam, sauce, and curry are all shadowed
'ortb. in the quotation alluded to.

Dr. Johnson was, according to Boswell, " a man of very nice discri-
mination in the science of cookery," and he was proverbial for his sauce,
wnich he dealt out to every one with the greatest freedom. Boswell
0nce asked him if he liked pickles, when he said, " No Sir, the man who
^ould eat a pickle, would pick a pocket."

Boswell adds, " I ventured to say he would ;" and they wound up the
evening with grog, which Boswell, as usual, had to pay for ; and it is
thought that the expression of " Standing Sam " originated with Boswell
"a-ving to stand whatever Sam (Johnson) chose to call for.
, The celebrated Dr. Parr was also a great epicure, and liked his
^ctuals underdone, from which we have the expression Parr-boiling.
Hilton loved his meat well-dressed, and died with a good thing in his
^outh ; but whether it was a morsel of philosophy, or something nice,
las never transpired.

. Having said thus much of the ancient and classical who took an interest
*n Cookery, we plunge down stairs into the modern kitchen, and embrace
tQe cook of the present period.

On going to be hired, you will, perhaps, be told there are no perquisites
flowed. Don't stick out about that, for if perquisites are not allowed,
you must take them.

It is easy to say the meat makes no dripping, and, of course, you can't
account for it.

It is a rule in cookery to make the best and the most of everything, and
you ^jy therefore sell your kitchen-stuff at the marine-store shop that
Will give the best price for it.

In some families the mistress of the house will assist the cook ; but
8fle should have a sickener of that as soon as possible. If she makes
}, Ples spoil it in the baking ; for if there is any truth in the adage about

too many cooks," the lady of the house should not be encouraged in
taking one of the number.

Order is a great essential to a cook, who should keep everything in its
?iace> taking care to keep herself as snugly in her place as possible.
JNever connive at dishonesty in others, but keep yourself to yourself;

Or, if vou rob y0ur mistress, the least return you can make is not to
Unction others in doing so.

Never go into any place where a cat is not kept. This useful domestic
anin}al is the true servants' friend, accounting for the disappearance of
'"-bits, lumps of butter, and other odd matters, as well as being the
< Uthor of all mysterious breakages. What the safety-valve is to the

"-eam-engine, the cat is to the kitchen, preventing all explosions or

lowings-up that might otherwise occur in the best regulated families.

' Having laid down some general principles for the guidance of cooks, we
Sive a few maxims that cannot be too strictly attended to.

1. Keep yourself clean and tidy if you can. If your fingers are greasy
' WlPe them on your hair, which thus acquires a polish.

2. When a joint comes down from dinner, cut off what you intend for
your supper. If cut while the joint is warm, it does not show that it has
"een cut. Believe it also from all superfluous fat, which will of course
feo into your grease-pot.

Th' flf y0W Want a jelly_ba8> cut UP an ironing-blanket for the purpose.

ne former is of course wanted in a hurry, but the latter may be pro-
ved at leisure. J.

4. When your dishes come down stairs, throw them all into scalding
water at once. Those that are not broken by the operation may after-
wards be taken out, and put in their proper places.

5. Scour your pickle-jars, but empty them first, if you are fond of
pickle.

6. If you have been peeling onions, cut bread-and-butter with the
same knife ; it will show the multifariousness of your occupations, and
perhaps give a hint for raising your wages.

7. Let your spit and your skewers be always rusty ; or, at least, do
not take the trouble to polish them; for by leaving great black holes in
the meat, they show it has been roasted, which is always better than
being baked, and it will be the more relished in consequence.

8. Never do anything by halves, except lamb, which you must some-
times do by quarters.

9. If you are cooking even a sheep's head or a bullock's heart, take
pains with them, so that what you do may be equally creditable to your
head and heart.

10. If you have a follower, or a policeman, who likes a snack, cut it
off each joint before you cook it—for everything loses in the cooking—
and the disappearance of one pound, at least, in eight or nine, may thus
be easily accounted for.

The above maxims will be sufficient to guide the cook in her course of
service, and we do not add any receipts, for it has been well said by Dr.
Kitchener, or might have been said by him as well as by any one else—
that he who gives a receipt for making a stew, may himself make a sad
hash of it.

In bidding farewell to the cook, we would have her remember that her
control over the safe will give her a peculiar influence over the hearts
of the police, and she must be careful not to enervate a whole division,
and leave a district defenceless, by being too lavish with the blandish-
ments of love and the larder.

THE MODERN HYMEN.

The alternation from love to glory and from glory to love, which we
alluded to the other day as being the characteristic of the soldier on the
stage, is singularly exemplified in the career of the illustrious Wellington,
who has left the camp of Mars for the court of Hymen. The Duke is to
be seen nearly every morning at St. George's or some other fashionable
church, " giving away " some fair and aristocratic bride, till he has posi-
tively become the recognised medium for the transfer of lovely innocence
from the parent's care to the husband's solicitude. Even the parish-
clerk, or the pew-opener—the usual alternatives with those who have not
come prepared with fathers or mothers—cannot boast of having given
away so many girls as the Duke of Wellington.

One would think that his Grace kept a kind of Matrimonial Bazaar, or
Connubial Agency-Office—so strong a personal interest does he appear to
take in finding wives and husbands for his male and female acquaintances.
The song says, that " Love was once a little boy :" but it is evident that
Hymen is a very elderly gentleman. Perhaps the Duke still clings to the
love of conquest; and he likes to encourage conquests being made as
much as possible. His Grace should be made Colonel of a new regiment
of female sharp-shooters, in which piercing eyes should be the substitutes
for swords and bayonets.