Punch (13.1847)

232

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

COMPARATIVE ANATOMY OF EOYAL SPEECHES.

EouR Parliaments are sitting at present in Europe, a coincidence
which does not tend to make the jolly month of December any the
more lively. It would make a curious comparison to put the opening
Speeches of those four Parliaments side by side. There is a strong
family resemblance generally, in all Royal Speeches. We have no doubt
that the one for Belgium would have answered just as well for Spain;
whilst Louis-Philippe's might have been delivered in the House of
Commons, without a single Member probably discovering the difference.
The features of one Speech are so much like the features of another, that
he must be a clever kmg who can recognise his own Speech.

But to return to our four Parliaments—though strictly speaking
there are five, for hasn't the Pope just opened a bran-new one at Rome ?
Conceive, if you can, the immense power of talk—the Niagara of non-
sense, that must be falling, and hissing, and steaming, at the present
moment. Imagine the noise, the smoke, the awful weight of it. What,
a pity it cannot be turned to some useful purpose ; or that one Parlia-
ment could not do the talk—for the business is slight enough—of them
all. Depend upon it, Civilisation will not rest in her easy chair till a
patent has been taken out by some noble benefactor of the suffering
race of reporters, for a more economical process of legislation—The
Electric Parliament of the Universe ! There's a suggestion for you !

There is a strange unanimity in all the opening Speeches that have
been thrown upon the several European Houses of Commons this year.

a royal pas de quatre.

The whole four of them agree in making a request for money. They
are all, more or less, begging letters addressed to t heir respective nations.
Leopold asks for a small loan boldly—he must have it. Spain is just
as independent; and Louis-Philippe, you may imagine, is not the man
exactly to make two bites of an Orleans Plum. England's is certainly
the most modest. It only contains
the smallest possible hint ; but then
we must complain; for haven't we
the Income Tax and Ireland ?—two
little trifles which no other country
can boast of, and which will probably
be repealed about the same time.

There is another curious fact con-
nected with these Speeches, and that
is, the Royal Speech for Belgium
was delivered by Leopold in person.
We mention this very extraordinary
fact as a strong presumptive proof
that Leopold was not only in
Belgium, but actually in Brussels,
at the time, which helps us to the
singular phenomenon that Leopold
was present, for one day at least, in
his own kingdom. One day ; no, we
are wrong, for it was only half a day.
Our private letters, to which we
have just referred, inform us that

His Majesty started at five o'clock leopold delivering his speech
on the very same day for Paris. in his travelling costume,

The Shakspeare Night.

Although Her Majesty and the Prince were not present at
Covent Garden—although the Royal Box was the only box blank and
empty—royal enthusiasm in the poetic cause was dulv represented; the
cheque sent by Prince Albert in aid of the funds being duly pinned
upon the cushion.

nottingham represented.

_ Mr. Feargus O'Connor admirably represents the interests of Not-
tingham Ale in the House. Eor his head never gets up, that we do not
at once acknowledge the froth.

THE BLESSINGS OF CHLOROFORM.

Air—" Run neighbours, Run," <J-c.

Oh ! what a host, what an infinite variety,

Rapt Imagination, in her transports warm,
Pictures of blessings conferr'd upon society
By the new discovery of Chloroform !
Applications, amputations, denudations, perforations,
Utterly divested of all disagreeable sensations;
Like your coat-tail in a crowd—some clever cut-purse stealing it-
Arms and legs are now whipp'd off without our ever feeling it.

Take but a sniff at this essence ansesthetical,

Dropp'd upon a handkerchief, or bit of sponge,
And on your eyelids 'twill clap a seal hermetical,
And your senses in a trance that instant plunge.
Then you may be pinch'd and punctured, bump'd andthump'd, anff
whack'd about,

Scotch'd, and scored, and lacerated, cauterised, and hack'd about t
And though tender as a chick—a Sybarite for queasiness—
Elay'd alive, unconscious of a feeling of uneasiness.

Celses will witness our deft chirurgeous presently,

Manage operations as he said they should ;
Doing them "safely, and speedily, and pleasantly"
Just as if the body were a log of wood.
Teeth, instead of being drawn with agonies immeasurable,
Now will be extracted with sensations rather pleasurable ;
Chloroform will render quite agreeable the parting with
Any useless member that a patient has been smarting with,

Then of what vast, of what wonderful utility,

View'd in its relation to domestic bliss,
Since, in a trice, it can calm irritability,

Surely such a substance will be found as this !
Scolding wife and squalling infant—petulance and fretfulness,
Lulling, with its magic power, instanter, in forgetfulness :
Peace m private families securing, and in populous
Nurseries, whene'er their little inmates prove " obstropolous."

When some vile dun with his little bill is vexing you;

When the Tax Collector's knock assails your door;
When aught is troubling, annoying, or perplexing you;
When, in short, you 're plagued with any kind of bore^
Do not rage and fume and fret, behaving with stupidity,
Take the matter quietly with coolness and placidity ;
Don't indulge in conduct and in language reprehensible—
Snuff a little Chloroform, be prudent, and insensible.

WARM WORK.

This warm weather, when everything has been suffering under tha
universal depression, from the barometer to the butter, must have been
doubly depressing to the poor prize cattle, wrapped up as they are in
their great-coats of fat and their big comforters of wool. The asthmatic
beasts must have fancied they were in training for some great race.
The wheezy oxen must have panted under the notion that they were to
be entered for some Monster Stake. The corpulent pigs must have
wasted themselves in sighs, and the sheep must have been fleeced of
half their proportions. If a tallow-merchant had been present, he
would have fancied it was melting-day. Whoever has the perquisites
of the Bazaar, must have realised by the warm weather a considerable
sum in dripping. We now can appreciate the mercy of the Committee
in appointing the Show at Christmas time. If it were to take place in
the dog-days, the whole place would be flooded knee-deep in tallow. It
is a question yet whether the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
against Animals will not indict them. We saw big tears of suet roll
down a two-year-old's cheek, showing too clearly what the warmth of
the poor beast's feelings must have been.

CROCHET SAMPLERS FOR MEMBERS.

Colonel Sibthorpe.—Work one observation, condemnatory of Rail-
ways in the lump, into every debate on whatever question before the
House.

Mr. John O'Connell.—Work the wrongs of Ireland into a long
speech, no matter how irrelevant to the occasion. Spin a yarn of two
hours, twist facts to your purpose; miss one point—the loan of the
£10,000,000—repeat, and end where you began. Work the Repeal
Crochet in an endless round of abuse.

Mr. Eeargtjs O'Connor.—Work the Charter in five points; make a
chain of reasoning with several hitches ; go on till you have worked out
the patience of the House, and wind up.

Lord Brougham.—Work all the crochets you can think of at one
sitting; work every body and everytliing; miss no opportunity ; take
up the thread of every other noble Lord's discourse—and cut it short.