Punch: Punch (17.1849)

160

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SUNBEAMS FROM CUCUMBERS; or, GEMS FROM ADVERTISEMENTS.

SCHOLASTIC !

Mother. "And pray, Doctor, what are youk terms for Heducating little boys ?"

The Principal. " Why, my dear Madam, my usual terms are seventy guineas per annvm (to use the

language of the ancient romans), but to effect my object (?) quickly, I would take a few for
what I could get , provided they be GENTLEMEN, like your dear little boy there ; but (again

to use the Latin tongue) it is a sins quj jvo.v that they should be GENTLEMEN ! ! !"

YOU CAN'T MAKE A PURSE, ETC,

We have for some time observed, repeated at short intervals in the Times, the following advertisement:—

rPO THE ARISTOCRACY AND GENTRY.—The Principal of a First-Class School, wishes to increase his
*- connection. His average terms are 70 guineas. To secure his object quickly, he offers to receive a few pupils at 40 guineas,
provided they be gentlemen. The latter condition is a sine gud non. Terms inclusive. References of the highest order could
be given.

We are glad to see that, however much pure snobbism there may be in the world, there is not yet enough
to enable the advertiser to " secure his object quickly," for, since his announcement first fell under
our eye and caused us to turn up our nose, some months have expired. There is something exquisitely
mean in the proposition to smuggle in a few 40-pounders among the 70-pounders, and we are delighted
to find that the offer has not been clutched at by persons ready to avail themselves of such a shabby
arrangement.

The condition that the low-priced pupils should be gentlemen is most absurd, for it is quite impossible that
they could be gentlemen's sons, since no gentleman would send his son to a concern, whose Principal takes £40
fromthe parents of some of his pupils to enable him to get £70 from others, who are not in the secret of
the little arrangement by which the head of the concern is "securing his object." We are sorry to see the
educators of youth adopting the disgraceful haberdashery trick of asking one price and taking another, the
demand being regulated not by the worth of the article, but by the gullibility of the purchaser.

THE WINTER BLOCKADES OE LONDON.

The usual blockading of London for the winter season has commenced at several points, and the Strand is
already in the hands of a hostile pavioury. We think that the name of this great leading thoroughfare
ought to be immediately changed, and that the title of the Via Pavia ought to be given to it. By the
blockade now established, a vehicle may have to go half a mile round to a spot, though literally within a
stone's throw of it. The invading force of paviours would appear to be overrunning the whole tract of land
eastward of Charing Cross, for, even when apparently retiring from one position, it is only to take up another
immediately adjoining it. If the City had a heart of stone, it would be like tearing its heart out continually,
to treat it in the manner that it is constantly undergoing at the hands of the paviours.

We had written thus far, when news reached us of Piccadilly having fallen into the hands of the barbarians :
the whole tide of the western traffic has been thrown in copious streams upon the narrow creeks in the
vicinity. Albemarle Street has been flooded with, omnibuses for several days, and Dover Street, like the
Straits of Dover, has had an uninterrupted stream running through it, with frightful impetuosity. We have
heard the Parks described as the lungs of the Metropolis, but when the circulation is stopped so near the
lungs, the vitality of commerce appears to be jeopardised. We wish some modern Hannibal would make
his appearance, to perform the feat of cutting through the really Alpine mass of stone that blocks up a portion
ol the Strand and Piccadilly, once at least in every winter. As vinegar has, on a previous occasion; achieved
the grand object, it is possible that a little of our essence of acidity, which we are very happy to supply
'in a good cause, may effect the desired object.

GOOD MEN, SPARE THAT
TREE.

Dedicated to Mb. H. L. Taylor, on tha
strength of his calling Smithfield an Oak.

Good men, spare that tree,
Lop not a single bough;

Its fruit has long fed me,
And I Tl protect it now.

That tree's an ancient Oak,
To which I owe my prog ;

Oh, do not idly joke,
And tell me I'm a hog !

Smithfield, the sweet, the clean,.

Is that Oak, dear to me ;
Ask me not what I mean,

By calling it a tree !

The breezes through its twigs

Amid its branches play,
And of balm-breathing pigs

The perfume waft away.

Sweet flowers around it blow,
Whence odours rich ascend ;

There wild musk-roses grow;
With cowslips violets blend.

And there the patient ox

Enjoys serene repose,
Unhurt by drovers' knocks

O'er head, horns, eyes, and nose.

Its wholesome precincts nigh
You Tl never find disease ;

Typhus is all my eye,
Around this tree of trees.

No fever-case you meet,

And very little loss
Of life in turnmill Street,

Or in, or near, Cow Cross.

Oh ! come, ye sufferers pale,
Come,lodge in Greenhill's Rents,

Wherein you may inhale
Our Oak's reviving scents.

Then do not let it fall,
That Oak, so dear to me,

And oh ! by no means call
My Oak a Upas Tree.

Carpet Bag-ishness.

Mu. Walker, speaking of the
St. Giles' churchyard in London,,
says, "in less than 2 acres, it con-
tains 48,000 bodies." A London
churchyard is very like a London
omnibus. It can be made to carry
any number. If there is no room
inside—no matter, there i3 always
plenty of accommodation outside.
The same with a London church-
yard—number is the last consider-
ation.

There are three things, in fact,
which are never bv any accident
full. These are: The Pit of a
Theatre, an Omnibus, and a London
Churchyard. The latter combines
the expansiveness of the two for-
mer, with the voluminousness of
the Carpet Bag.

A Movement in the eight
Direction.—Of all popular move-
ments we do not know of one from
which the public is likely to derive
so much benefit and immediate im
provement as the movement of all
churchyards out of town.