Punch: Punch (19.1850)

PUXCIT. OR THE LONDON CIIARIY VRI.

41

1ST! There is something stirring in the

air,

a movement that excites the general
wonder;

Men, as they meet each other, seem
aware

There is an influence that they all are
under;

They know not what it is—but soon, like
thunder,

The fact on all sides is by rumour
hurled;

The secret from its bonds has burst
asunder;

a posting bill is on the wall unfurl'd—

PUNCH gives an extra number to the admiring world.

A BIT OF MY MIND.

BIT THE THIRTEENTH.

mrs. mouser applies fob, a passport to join mouses. in france,
and was never " so insulted before."

Mr. Punch,—As the time is come and past when the Prime Minister
in the House of Commons has drowned what Mouser calls the blind
kittens of the Session—by which, I suppose, Mouser means the Bills
that arn't to see the light this present year,—as then, I _ say, Lord
John has put his customary kittens into the pail, and what is called the
wisdom of the country is about to separate—crumble to bits—like a
plum-pudding that's over-rich-you will allow me to call the attention The Embassador smiled a bit and went on writing. There go my
of my sisters of England to a scandal and abuse at which Lobd \ e?™^oia the paper said I to.myself as he looked at me; and
Palmerston (as I believe is his name) is at the bottom, as he is the whether or n0< 1 M feel em twmUe- And that s my nose< 1 m

men, by no means—but I think an Ambassador ought to have a little
more of the prime of life, which prime, by the way, poor aunt Peacock
said used to vary, being now at forty, and now at fifty-five ; she—poor
soul '.—declared herself only in her prime when she died at three-score)
—the young man, when I swum into the room—as, without conceit, I
think 1 can swim when I like—the young man, when I entered the
apartment—which was not at all unlike an attorney's office, without
that faint sheep-skin smell that kills decent people—the young man
never so much, as Mouser says, moved a muscle. I'd heard so much
of French politeness; and did expect such a sample of it at the
French Ambassador's, that I must confess it, I felt for the moment
quite staggered; whereupon, for my presence of mind never forsakes
me—and presence of mind to a female, as dear aunt Peacock used to
say, is worth a pistol at full-cock—whereupon, didn't I draw myself up P
I should think I did!

There I stood, and the Ambassador never so much as flew foi a chair;
but if he didn't look at me, and while with one hand he twiddled a pen,
and with his other fingers coaxed a ferret-coloured moustachio, and
pulled a few hairs at the end of his chin, as if they were a bell-rope, and
he could get 'em all the lower by pulling 'em—well, if whilst amusing
himself in this manner, and never speaking a word, he didn't actually

begin to whistle!-

Well, you may believe that my blood rose, and I did begin to wish
myself a man. However, as I never forget myself, that is, before
strangers, and out of my own house—for with one's own husband, and
under one's own roof, it's quite a different thing,—as I'm always cool
out, I smiled what I felt to be an icy smile, saying to myself, "This is
the French Ambassador; but let's see how it will end."

There I stood; and the Ambassador, going on with his wHstling,
stared at me from head to foot. Yes, from the ribands of my bonnet,
to the very tips of my Adelaide boots. Not that I cared a bit about
his staring; I should think not—I've se«n a little too much of the
world for that—not a bit; for I took his looks as if I'd been a marble
statue; looking at him again, and giving him, I should think, a little
better than he sent.

However, still staring, he began—for I coidd feel it, that I could, as
if the very pen was in my flesh—he began to Avrite me down. Where-
upon, as was nat'ral, I looked composed; for I'd seen Mouser's pass-
port and though he's not so handsome a man as I might, if I'd only
liked, have had for a husband, he's by no means—I should think not—
the fright they made him.

Foreign Office feead; an abuse that strikes at the root of private families
(if I'm not using too strong language)—and violates the dearest secrecy
of domestic life,—I mean a lady's age.

Yes, I must ask, what is Lord Palmerston—(if that is his name),
what is he about, that he should suffer an Englishwoman, that pays taxes
through her husband, to be insulted by the rudest, and I will say it,
the most unprovoked and unmanly question that can be put to any
gentlewoman,—need I say, a question that goes to inquire a lady's age?

But, Mr. Punch, you shall hear, and through you all the women of
England.

_ Mr. Mouser is at this moment abroad. a fortnight ago I made up
his portmanteau, and let him go alone; for, as I said, how could we
both go, and leave the painters in the house ? So he went, of course,
and left me to be poisoned, as I might, wliich I shall not go into at
present, but come to the affront I've suffered ; the worst affront that can
be put upon a woman • I mean, of course, the insult put upon her age.

Well, Mouser, as I say, being gone—and the painters at last being
done—I got my things together to follow him. My boxes (and if I
pride myself upon anything, it is, that I never travel with more than
six trunks, two bonnet-boxes, and one bag, and a moderate basket, even
if I leave home for a month)—my boxes being almost ready, I went
to get my passport; for Mouser wrote to me that they wouldn't let

my nose,

sure of it," for it suddenly burned so ; " and that's my mouth," and I
couldn't help smiling at the thought,—" and that's my complexion,"—
for I felt a flush,—" and that's my hair; and now I'm finished." And
having given my name, of course, I thought it was all over; when the
Ambassador—as if he had been asking for the coolest thing in life—said,
in a sort of English that even a poodle might be ashamed of—
" What is your age ? "

" What!" cried I, and they might have heard me in the street.

" What is your age?" said the Ambassador once more, twisting his
ferret moustachio in such an aggravating way that I could have torn it off.

" Well," said I, " what next ?" And that's all he got out of me.

" What is Madame's age ?" said the Ambassador, beginning to laugh.

" What a question for a polite Frenchman!" said I, laughing too.
" Ask a lady's age ! WeU, I'm sure! "

"I must know Madame's age," said the Ambassador.

"It's like vour impudence," said I, "and you'll know nothing of
the sort."

"Then Madame can't go to France," said the Ambassador, throwing
down his pen.

" What is it to France how old I am ? France is very curious. Per-
haps I'm five-and-twenty," said I.

' Five-and-twenty," cried the Ambassador, and where he learnt the

me join him on a foreign soil without; though he never so much as WOt#s r J\ .,SUW' ™ame for sport, we go double or quits ? "

breathed the insult which, as Ms wife, he must have known would have ] if-g bTd™ boii' „ K contrived to say nothing—only to laugh,
been put upon me, when left by myself. Really, Madame, said the brute, beginning to be gruff', " I must

However, what I write I write as a warning for the wives of England, 7(e-<X0lV" Ppe' » -j T 4.x. ■ ■■, i ! , .

that, if thev ^travel, they may take care and go abroad with their husbands i •, , r ^ Te$ sfld A> tnrowmS my veil quite back as if daring him to
on the same piece of paper. " Two figs on one stalk," as the poet says. do Y,or,sh as my age' there s my face; 311(1 take wllat you ^

I went to the house of the French Ambassador; and, after what °1,0 ; , , , j , ,, . ,

I've suffered, to call the French polite! But I suppose it's all come \ ,.,eTTc laughed—wrote something—and gave me my passport,
of the French revolution: all then gallantry shot awav in powder and J^.1 ^ not [o?^ at' 1 was m such a Passion, till I'd locked myself

lairly m my room at home.

Would you beheve it ? When I unfolded the passport, I saw withir
as my description:—

" Agee "-which is French for "Aged "-

But no, Mr. Punch, not even to you will I reveal the insult that's
been put upon me. No; I leave it for my fellow sisters to guess • and
with it, this warning: not to have a passport to themselves but—for
then they say nothing about years—but when they do go abroad to °-o
on the same sheet with their husbands. ' &

smoke. Wen, I went, and after waiting—as I thought, like a menial—I
was toid to go into a room, and the Ambassador would see me. Out
of nat'ral respect for Old England, I had of course drest myself with
particular care; and though I shall not say how I looked—(not but
what even the handsomest people have their well-looking days; and
that day was certainly not one of my worst; I must say that)—though
I shall not dwell upon appearances, being quite below a sensible woman
—I must say, that nad I come for a cook's place instead of a lady's pass-
port, the French Ambassador couldn't have treated me more like a bear.
The young man—(mind, I have no prejudice against young men as young

The Honeysuckles. Yours, insulted Amelia Mouseb.

Vol. 19.

2—2