DOI issue:
July to December, 1851
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16608#0032
20
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE ATTENTIVE HUSBAND IN HOT WEATHER.
AUCTION OF SOULS.—PULPIT AND HAMMER.
In the imperial salt-mines of Sowar, in Upper Hungary, " there is
one thing," writes a traveller, " very remarkable: namely, a chapel
which may easily contain a hundred people cut in the rock-salt; with
an altar, pulpit, sacristy, chairs and forms, cut in the same rock."
Now a church of salt—of salt in its typical purity—is the Church of
England; and yet the auctioneer will now and then usurp the place of
the parson; and sometimes the pulpit will resound with the hammer
of the rostrum. The custom is to be deplored; for may it not, in light
and superficial minds, deprive the salt of somewhat of its orthodox
savour ? When souls are made a matter of auction, the charge of the
aforesaid immortal essences loses a trifle of its divinity. The shepherd
who buys his sheep with the act of purchase may think he buys an
undoubted right to sell them.
A few days ago certain Christian flocks were submitted to the
hammer at the auction-mart, and knocked down to the best Christian
pastors; namely, to those happy shepherds who could best afford to
offer the highest price for the chattels. Not being present at the
ceremony. Punch does not pledge himself to the most rigid verbal
accuracy in the report of the transaction ; but no doubt the auctioneer
did his best in the disposal of the goods, after the approved method of
auctioneers in general.
"Gentlemen," says the man with the hammer, "the next article
I have the honour to submit to your emulation is the advowson, with
patronage, &c, of the rectory of Trettire and Michael Church, Here-
fordshire, net annual value £250, present incumbent seventy-four years
of age. What shall we say for the rectory of Trettire and Michael ?
Herefordshire, splendid county; magnificent hills, that lift the thoughts
of Churchmen to the devotional altitude; beautiful thymy pasturage
for sheep. Malvern mutton, for instance, unparalleled. Now, an
offer, if you please, gentlemen, for Trettire and Michael, net value £250,
gentlemen. Further, gentlemen, present incumbent is seventy-four
years of age—seventy-four, gentlemen; so be quick with your biddings."
First Bidder. One thousand pounds.
Auctioneer. A thousand pounds! What, and present incumbent
with one leg in the grave ? Think of the country, gentlemen—the feet
of the everlasting hills of Herefordshire, and mend your bidding.
Second Bidder. One thousand two hundred.
Auctioneer. And present incumbent seventy-four ? Pray, gentlemen,
do not forget; one leg in the grave, gentlemen ; at least, one leg.
Third Bidder. Fifteen hundred.
Auctioneer. Come, we're getting on: but fifteen hundred; only
fifteen hundred, for Trettire and Michael; going like a drug, gentlemen
—like a drug. I should be sorry to find no better devotion in the
company than—thank you, Sir,—sixteen hundred; no warmer enthu-
siasm for the Established Church, and that at the present time, when
rampant popery threatens—one thousand seven hundred, thank you—
our altars and our homes—seventeen hundred and fifty, thank you;—
and present incumbent—seventy-four—seventy-four—and according to
the course of all sublunary things, with one leg in the grave, gentlemen
—a human and commercial fact you cannot too well consider, gentle-
men. No advance on seventeen hundred and fifty, and one leg in the
grave ?
Fourth Bidder. Eighteen hundred.
Auctioneer. Thank you; but consider, gentlemen, the span of life;
seventy-four and one—
Fifth Bidder. Eighteen hundred and fifty.
Sixth Bidder. Ninety.
Auctioneer. Thank you: eighteen hundred and ninety for Trettire
and Michael; salubrious county—seventy-four—one leg in graye—and
the best pasturage. No advance on eighteen hundred and ninety-four ?
No advance?—going—going—one leg, gentlemen; I must call your
attention to one leg in grave. No advance ? Going—going—{Hammer
falls.) Advowson, with rectory of Trettire and Michael, yours, Sir—
and dog-cheap—sold for a song ; Sir, a very song.
A short pause.
Auctioneer. The next lot I shall have the honour to offer to the
competition of the company is the advowson, patronage, &c, to the
rectory of Llanwarne, also in the sublime and salubrious county of
Herefordshire, net annual income £359, and the present incumbent—
I must be allowed to dwell on this touching circumstance—present
incumbent the over-ripe and patriarchal age of eighty-four; fourscore
years and four; so, gentlemen, confident in your enterprise and specu-
lation, I do—I must—expect a handsome offer. Shall we say a couple
of thousand pounds to begin with ? Reflect—fourscore years and four!
First Bidder. Fifteen hundred.
Auctioneer. Thank you, Sir, for a beginning. Fifteen hundred and
eighty-four—that is fifteen hundred, for advowson of Llanwarne, a
favoured spot where the tares of dissent have never shown themselves
among the corn of—thank you, fifteen hundred and fifty. No advance
upon fifteen hundred and fifty; and present incumbent white-haired
patriarch—eighty-four ?
Various Bidders. Sixteen hundred. And fifty. Sixteen, seventy.
{Longpause. Hammer descends.)
Auctioneer. Advowson and rectory of Llanwarne, yours, Sir. A
cheap penn'orth in such a county; with such a flock; such sheep
pasturage; and incumbent every day of four-score years and four—
Another pause.
Auctioneer. The next lot, gentlemen—
But here Punch must break off: assuring the reader that the
auctioneer, ere he quitted his rostrum, disposed of in all seven sacred
lots to the glory and lasting profit of the established church of salt,
and—let us hope—to the enduring advantage both of sellers and buyers
THE CHEMISTRY OF SLUSH.
Eveual scientific gentlemen, accord-
ing to the Times, have been set to
work upon the great Water Ques-
tion, and have just now made their
formal report thereon, which con-
tains a striking refutation of the
popular belief that the donkey is
peculiarly nice as regards his drink.
It may occur to some of our read-
ers that this document might have
been published under the title of
"Pumps upon Water." The Thames
is pronounced by these sages to be
quite weak of the nitrogen whereof,
if nitrogen can, in any of its combi-
nations, affect the nose, that stream
is obviously strong. They say that
it contains " animalculse" only
when they are in season; whence,
the conclusion would be that it is
little worse for " infusoria " than it is for whitebait. Admitting it to
be, as " the main drain of a large and populous city,' full of corruption,
they assert that it possesses within itself the power of seil-punhcation:
but they forget to notice the remarkable allegorical fact that the lnames
is exactlv parallel to the British Senate. Cheap tailors are bad enough,
but the Water Companies are the worst of slop-sellers.
The Harmonious Blacksmith.
RICHARD COBDEN desires to assure the World in general, and England
in particular, that, as ". The Harmonious Blacksmith," he is prepared to bend
Swords into Sickles—to turn Bayonets into Dibbles-to fashion Helmets into Beehives
—to adapt Mortars to Flower-pots—and in any and every other way to transform the
old iron of Mars and Bellona to the uses of Ceres and Flora.
V An Apprentice Wanted. Any young man of the name of Falmerstom
particularly eligible-
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE ATTENTIVE HUSBAND IN HOT WEATHER.
AUCTION OF SOULS.—PULPIT AND HAMMER.
In the imperial salt-mines of Sowar, in Upper Hungary, " there is
one thing," writes a traveller, " very remarkable: namely, a chapel
which may easily contain a hundred people cut in the rock-salt; with
an altar, pulpit, sacristy, chairs and forms, cut in the same rock."
Now a church of salt—of salt in its typical purity—is the Church of
England; and yet the auctioneer will now and then usurp the place of
the parson; and sometimes the pulpit will resound with the hammer
of the rostrum. The custom is to be deplored; for may it not, in light
and superficial minds, deprive the salt of somewhat of its orthodox
savour ? When souls are made a matter of auction, the charge of the
aforesaid immortal essences loses a trifle of its divinity. The shepherd
who buys his sheep with the act of purchase may think he buys an
undoubted right to sell them.
A few days ago certain Christian flocks were submitted to the
hammer at the auction-mart, and knocked down to the best Christian
pastors; namely, to those happy shepherds who could best afford to
offer the highest price for the chattels. Not being present at the
ceremony. Punch does not pledge himself to the most rigid verbal
accuracy in the report of the transaction ; but no doubt the auctioneer
did his best in the disposal of the goods, after the approved method of
auctioneers in general.
"Gentlemen," says the man with the hammer, "the next article
I have the honour to submit to your emulation is the advowson, with
patronage, &c, of the rectory of Trettire and Michael Church, Here-
fordshire, net annual value £250, present incumbent seventy-four years
of age. What shall we say for the rectory of Trettire and Michael ?
Herefordshire, splendid county; magnificent hills, that lift the thoughts
of Churchmen to the devotional altitude; beautiful thymy pasturage
for sheep. Malvern mutton, for instance, unparalleled. Now, an
offer, if you please, gentlemen, for Trettire and Michael, net value £250,
gentlemen. Further, gentlemen, present incumbent is seventy-four
years of age—seventy-four, gentlemen; so be quick with your biddings."
First Bidder. One thousand pounds.
Auctioneer. A thousand pounds! What, and present incumbent
with one leg in the grave ? Think of the country, gentlemen—the feet
of the everlasting hills of Herefordshire, and mend your bidding.
Second Bidder. One thousand two hundred.
Auctioneer. And present incumbent seventy-four ? Pray, gentlemen,
do not forget; one leg in the grave, gentlemen ; at least, one leg.
Third Bidder. Fifteen hundred.
Auctioneer. Come, we're getting on: but fifteen hundred; only
fifteen hundred, for Trettire and Michael; going like a drug, gentlemen
—like a drug. I should be sorry to find no better devotion in the
company than—thank you, Sir,—sixteen hundred; no warmer enthu-
siasm for the Established Church, and that at the present time, when
rampant popery threatens—one thousand seven hundred, thank you—
our altars and our homes—seventeen hundred and fifty, thank you;—
and present incumbent—seventy-four—seventy-four—and according to
the course of all sublunary things, with one leg in the grave, gentlemen
—a human and commercial fact you cannot too well consider, gentle-
men. No advance on seventeen hundred and fifty, and one leg in the
grave ?
Fourth Bidder. Eighteen hundred.
Auctioneer. Thank you; but consider, gentlemen, the span of life;
seventy-four and one—
Fifth Bidder. Eighteen hundred and fifty.
Sixth Bidder. Ninety.
Auctioneer. Thank you: eighteen hundred and ninety for Trettire
and Michael; salubrious county—seventy-four—one leg in graye—and
the best pasturage. No advance on eighteen hundred and ninety-four ?
No advance?—going—going—one leg, gentlemen; I must call your
attention to one leg in grave. No advance ? Going—going—{Hammer
falls.) Advowson, with rectory of Trettire and Michael, yours, Sir—
and dog-cheap—sold for a song ; Sir, a very song.
A short pause.
Auctioneer. The next lot I shall have the honour to offer to the
competition of the company is the advowson, patronage, &c, to the
rectory of Llanwarne, also in the sublime and salubrious county of
Herefordshire, net annual income £359, and the present incumbent—
I must be allowed to dwell on this touching circumstance—present
incumbent the over-ripe and patriarchal age of eighty-four; fourscore
years and four; so, gentlemen, confident in your enterprise and specu-
lation, I do—I must—expect a handsome offer. Shall we say a couple
of thousand pounds to begin with ? Reflect—fourscore years and four!
First Bidder. Fifteen hundred.
Auctioneer. Thank you, Sir, for a beginning. Fifteen hundred and
eighty-four—that is fifteen hundred, for advowson of Llanwarne, a
favoured spot where the tares of dissent have never shown themselves
among the corn of—thank you, fifteen hundred and fifty. No advance
upon fifteen hundred and fifty; and present incumbent white-haired
patriarch—eighty-four ?
Various Bidders. Sixteen hundred. And fifty. Sixteen, seventy.
{Longpause. Hammer descends.)
Auctioneer. Advowson and rectory of Llanwarne, yours, Sir. A
cheap penn'orth in such a county; with such a flock; such sheep
pasturage; and incumbent every day of four-score years and four—
Another pause.
Auctioneer. The next lot, gentlemen—
But here Punch must break off: assuring the reader that the
auctioneer, ere he quitted his rostrum, disposed of in all seven sacred
lots to the glory and lasting profit of the established church of salt,
and—let us hope—to the enduring advantage both of sellers and buyers
THE CHEMISTRY OF SLUSH.
Eveual scientific gentlemen, accord-
ing to the Times, have been set to
work upon the great Water Ques-
tion, and have just now made their
formal report thereon, which con-
tains a striking refutation of the
popular belief that the donkey is
peculiarly nice as regards his drink.
It may occur to some of our read-
ers that this document might have
been published under the title of
"Pumps upon Water." The Thames
is pronounced by these sages to be
quite weak of the nitrogen whereof,
if nitrogen can, in any of its combi-
nations, affect the nose, that stream
is obviously strong. They say that
it contains " animalculse" only
when they are in season; whence,
the conclusion would be that it is
little worse for " infusoria " than it is for whitebait. Admitting it to
be, as " the main drain of a large and populous city,' full of corruption,
they assert that it possesses within itself the power of seil-punhcation:
but they forget to notice the remarkable allegorical fact that the lnames
is exactlv parallel to the British Senate. Cheap tailors are bad enough,
but the Water Companies are the worst of slop-sellers.
The Harmonious Blacksmith.
RICHARD COBDEN desires to assure the World in general, and England
in particular, that, as ". The Harmonious Blacksmith," he is prepared to bend
Swords into Sickles—to turn Bayonets into Dibbles-to fashion Helmets into Beehives
—to adapt Mortars to Flower-pots—and in any and every other way to transform the
old iron of Mars and Bellona to the uses of Ceres and Flora.
V An Apprentice Wanted. Any young man of the name of Falmerstom
particularly eligible-