DOI Heft:
July to December, 1853
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16612#0115
101 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Lord o? the Upper House, to whom we might say, in the words of
Coleridge :—
“ 1 Yon can u'tc.r, with a solemn gesture,
Oracular sentences of deep no-meaning,
Wear a quaint garment, make mysterious antics ! ’ *
“ The statutes next call upon the matriculating candidate to swear
that he will keep aloof from all rope-dancers and actors, and from the
strifes and shows of—gladiators ! (Item quod, intra Universitatem
Oxoniensem aut Prcecinctum, absque speciali venia Vice-Cancellarii, nec
Funambuli nec Histriones, qui qucestus causa, in Scenarn prodeunt, nec
Gladiatorum certamina sive spectacula permittantur ; nec Academici eis-
dem intersint.) Good gracious, Mr. Punch! is this the nineteenth
century—is Punch an institution of our land; have we got a Camo at
Chobham, and a Fleet at Spithead, or are we Rip Yan Winkles in
an inverse degree, who have slept backwards into the past ? My
brain is fairly muddled, Sir, with the thought that I am about to send
my son Peterloo to a place which I had fondly imagined to be the
centre of all enlightenment, and which I now find retains the barbarities
of the darkest ages. I don’t object lo the rope-dancers and actors—
although I might perhaps he inclined to ask why Shakspeare,
and Sheridan, and Bulwer-Lytton should be condemned as im-
proper ; and Plautus, Terence, and Juvenal decided to be the only
pure and proper dramatic guides of youth—I don’t object, I say, to
my lad going to see
the rope-dancing
and acting, but I do
decidedly object to
his even having a
chance of obtaining
‘ the special per-
mission of the Vice-
Chancellor’ to be
present at such de-
grading exhibitions
as the ‘ sports of
the Gladiators.’ I
shudder to think
(and so does Mrs.
Brown, Sir), that
my lad, who has
been so carefully
brought up, will
really ‘ see before
him the Gladiator
lie, his manly lorm
all cover'd o’er with
wounds ; ’ and that
he will, perhaps—(I
can assure you, Sir,
that Mrs. Brown
is obliged to have
recourse to her
smelling salts at
the bare thought of
such horrors)—that
he will perhaps set
his own slave (or
scout) to fight for
his amusement, and, like those frightful Romans that he is obliged to
read about, will be turning up his thumbs to give the dreadful signal
for his wretched servant’s dealh! 1 must really pause a moment to
recover my equanimity. Yet a bright thought strikes me! Perhaps,
after all, Mr. Punch, these gladiatorial exhibitions arc only intended
to assist the students in their classical pursuits, the mind being, we
know, often more speedily instructed through an appeal to the eye.
And this idea is supported by the words of the Statute that the
Students must not be present at such shows wit bout the special per-
mission ol the Vice-Chancellor. For, of course, if there are no gladia-
i orial exhibitions in Oxford, the candidates for matriculation would not
j be required to 1 ake oaths about them.
“ It would fatigue both you and me, Mr. Punch (weakened as I feel by
these gladiatorial prospects), were I to make more lengthy observations
on the Oxford Statutes; for the subject is so copious, that it would
1 ake me some time to travel through all the Statutum ests, and stop at
each.. Yet I think 1 have told you enough about them to enable you
to give me your valuable opinion on the propriety and wisdom of
suffering iny son Peterloo to enter an university, to the privileges of
which lie will only be admitted on the condition that he swears to ob-
serve all the foregoing Statutes, and a host of others, to the utmost
ol his power: ‘Scito te’ says the Vice-Chancellor, as he gives the
young man a copy of the book which I have now been considering,
‘ Sedate in matriculam Universitalis hodie relatum esse, sub hac conditione,
mempe, ui omnia Staluta, hoc libro comprehensa, pro virili observes.’
* “Tragedy of R-morse.” Act ii„ Scene 1.
“But I will add one word in favour of a few more Statutes of this
‘ Tit. XV.’ I am glad to see that, while my son will not be permitted
to draw a weapon upon another, or threaten him with a knife, dagger,
sword, or other species of weapon (cultellum, pugionem, gladium, aut
aliquot uliud genus teli aut distrinxerit, aut ititentaverit, cum minis, Src.),
yet, that he will be allowed to bear a bow and arrow for Ihe sake of
honest recreation (qui honestce recreationis causa arcus cum sagittis por-
taverint), and will not be suffered to ride in, or be the charioteer of,
any vehicle, unless he is permitted to do so by the Proctors or the
Heads of his College, on account of his infirm health, or some othei
reasonable cause (nisi cui propter injirmam valeludincm aut rationabilem
aliquam causam licentia, Sped). And yet, Mr. Punch, why does young
Bellingham Grey tell me tales of Traps, and Dog-carts, and Tandems,
and Teams? Have all their charioteers infirm health? or has that
young gentleman, in this as in other things, been practising upon the
credulity of
“ Dear Mr. Punch,
“ Your constant reader,
“Peterloo Brown.”
THE MONEY MARKET FOR INFANT MINDS.
Here go the Funds, up, up,
And there go Consols, down, down.
Fluctuate backwards and forwards,
And then come around, round, round,
Nicholas cries, “ No, no i ”
There’s a fall in the Three-por-Cents,
Aloft like rockets they go
The moment the Czar relents.
Sing hey ! for the Bulls and Bears,
And ho ! for the Turkey Cocks,
Sing Bonds, and Scrip, and Shares,
Sing British and Foreign Stocks.
Sing Ninety-seven, Two, Three,
Sing Two-and-a-Half at Par,
And that’s the way £ s. d.
Depends upon Peace or War.
FLOWERS OF THE TOWZERY PLANT.
In these days of steam we encounter a great deal of puffing, but
few probably have beheld the largest locomot ive emit so extensive a
puff as the subjoined:—
“Grand, Fortentons, and Most Auspicious Event. Speedy and Imperative and
Peremptory Sale of the Entire Stock of Shawls, Mantles, and Robes, of
a firm that we will take the liberty of calling Messrs. Hokes and Co.
In the first place, Messrs. Hokes are to be congratulated on having
introduced a striking novelty into the English language—the word
Fortentons; which, being big and indistinct, looms, as it were, at the
bead of their advertisement, with a misty sublimity.
The nature of the impending event, denominated “ fortentous ” is
thus elucidated:—
“ In consequence of the Proprietors being made Sole Agents tor Macintosh's
Registered Waterproof Dupallas, for Ladies’ Sea-side, Yachting, or Travelling Wear,
they are determined to clear off their entire Stock—and, doing this, they sink all
Personal Interest, forego every consideration of gain or lucre, renounce every motive
but the one Grand Object—that of a positive and absolute Clearance of the entire
Stock—and this, they are determined, must, will, nay shall be accomplished, as the
Dupalla will be ready for Inspection in a few days.’’
This paragraph is a masterly composition—the very perfection of the
insinuating style. Sinking ail personal interest, foregoing every con-
sideration of gain or lucre, renouncing every motive but that of
desiring the positive and absolute clearance of a quantity of stock—■
that “ one grand object” might obviously be accomplished in a simple
and effectual manner by making a bonfire of the goods ; which, more-
over, would probably be the best thing to do with them.
The conclusion of H. and Co.’s PufF at once invites criticism—and
defies it —
“But words are but words, after all, so H. & Co. will proceed to lay before the Public
something of a more tangible nature. They pass on to facts, and facts are stubborn
things, but they unhesitatingly affirm that the incontrovertible tacts given in the
annexed quotations of prices, only require ocular observation to establish their identity.’’
The stubbornness of H. and Co.’s facts is only exceeded by their
acquisitiveness; and perhaps, indeed, tlie latter propensity may be con-
sidered to have dictated their entire advertisement.
Gentility at the Gold FTelds.— Refinement in Australia appears
to be a gross anomaly: and the only use of polish relates to boots
Nobody must hunt wild beasts.
Lord o? the Upper House, to whom we might say, in the words of
Coleridge :—
“ 1 Yon can u'tc.r, with a solemn gesture,
Oracular sentences of deep no-meaning,
Wear a quaint garment, make mysterious antics ! ’ *
“ The statutes next call upon the matriculating candidate to swear
that he will keep aloof from all rope-dancers and actors, and from the
strifes and shows of—gladiators ! (Item quod, intra Universitatem
Oxoniensem aut Prcecinctum, absque speciali venia Vice-Cancellarii, nec
Funambuli nec Histriones, qui qucestus causa, in Scenarn prodeunt, nec
Gladiatorum certamina sive spectacula permittantur ; nec Academici eis-
dem intersint.) Good gracious, Mr. Punch! is this the nineteenth
century—is Punch an institution of our land; have we got a Camo at
Chobham, and a Fleet at Spithead, or are we Rip Yan Winkles in
an inverse degree, who have slept backwards into the past ? My
brain is fairly muddled, Sir, with the thought that I am about to send
my son Peterloo to a place which I had fondly imagined to be the
centre of all enlightenment, and which I now find retains the barbarities
of the darkest ages. I don’t object lo the rope-dancers and actors—
although I might perhaps he inclined to ask why Shakspeare,
and Sheridan, and Bulwer-Lytton should be condemned as im-
proper ; and Plautus, Terence, and Juvenal decided to be the only
pure and proper dramatic guides of youth—I don’t object, I say, to
my lad going to see
the rope-dancing
and acting, but I do
decidedly object to
his even having a
chance of obtaining
‘ the special per-
mission of the Vice-
Chancellor’ to be
present at such de-
grading exhibitions
as the ‘ sports of
the Gladiators.’ I
shudder to think
(and so does Mrs.
Brown, Sir), that
my lad, who has
been so carefully
brought up, will
really ‘ see before
him the Gladiator
lie, his manly lorm
all cover'd o’er with
wounds ; ’ and that
he will, perhaps—(I
can assure you, Sir,
that Mrs. Brown
is obliged to have
recourse to her
smelling salts at
the bare thought of
such horrors)—that
he will perhaps set
his own slave (or
scout) to fight for
his amusement, and, like those frightful Romans that he is obliged to
read about, will be turning up his thumbs to give the dreadful signal
for his wretched servant’s dealh! 1 must really pause a moment to
recover my equanimity. Yet a bright thought strikes me! Perhaps,
after all, Mr. Punch, these gladiatorial exhibitions arc only intended
to assist the students in their classical pursuits, the mind being, we
know, often more speedily instructed through an appeal to the eye.
And this idea is supported by the words of the Statute that the
Students must not be present at such shows wit bout the special per-
mission ol the Vice-Chancellor. For, of course, if there are no gladia-
i orial exhibitions in Oxford, the candidates for matriculation would not
j be required to 1 ake oaths about them.
“ It would fatigue both you and me, Mr. Punch (weakened as I feel by
these gladiatorial prospects), were I to make more lengthy observations
on the Oxford Statutes; for the subject is so copious, that it would
1 ake me some time to travel through all the Statutum ests, and stop at
each.. Yet I think 1 have told you enough about them to enable you
to give me your valuable opinion on the propriety and wisdom of
suffering iny son Peterloo to enter an university, to the privileges of
which lie will only be admitted on the condition that he swears to ob-
serve all the foregoing Statutes, and a host of others, to the utmost
ol his power: ‘Scito te’ says the Vice-Chancellor, as he gives the
young man a copy of the book which I have now been considering,
‘ Sedate in matriculam Universitalis hodie relatum esse, sub hac conditione,
mempe, ui omnia Staluta, hoc libro comprehensa, pro virili observes.’
* “Tragedy of R-morse.” Act ii„ Scene 1.
“But I will add one word in favour of a few more Statutes of this
‘ Tit. XV.’ I am glad to see that, while my son will not be permitted
to draw a weapon upon another, or threaten him with a knife, dagger,
sword, or other species of weapon (cultellum, pugionem, gladium, aut
aliquot uliud genus teli aut distrinxerit, aut ititentaverit, cum minis, Src.),
yet, that he will be allowed to bear a bow and arrow for Ihe sake of
honest recreation (qui honestce recreationis causa arcus cum sagittis por-
taverint), and will not be suffered to ride in, or be the charioteer of,
any vehicle, unless he is permitted to do so by the Proctors or the
Heads of his College, on account of his infirm health, or some othei
reasonable cause (nisi cui propter injirmam valeludincm aut rationabilem
aliquam causam licentia, Sped). And yet, Mr. Punch, why does young
Bellingham Grey tell me tales of Traps, and Dog-carts, and Tandems,
and Teams? Have all their charioteers infirm health? or has that
young gentleman, in this as in other things, been practising upon the
credulity of
“ Dear Mr. Punch,
“ Your constant reader,
“Peterloo Brown.”
THE MONEY MARKET FOR INFANT MINDS.
Here go the Funds, up, up,
And there go Consols, down, down.
Fluctuate backwards and forwards,
And then come around, round, round,
Nicholas cries, “ No, no i ”
There’s a fall in the Three-por-Cents,
Aloft like rockets they go
The moment the Czar relents.
Sing hey ! for the Bulls and Bears,
And ho ! for the Turkey Cocks,
Sing Bonds, and Scrip, and Shares,
Sing British and Foreign Stocks.
Sing Ninety-seven, Two, Three,
Sing Two-and-a-Half at Par,
And that’s the way £ s. d.
Depends upon Peace or War.
FLOWERS OF THE TOWZERY PLANT.
In these days of steam we encounter a great deal of puffing, but
few probably have beheld the largest locomot ive emit so extensive a
puff as the subjoined:—
“Grand, Fortentons, and Most Auspicious Event. Speedy and Imperative and
Peremptory Sale of the Entire Stock of Shawls, Mantles, and Robes, of
a firm that we will take the liberty of calling Messrs. Hokes and Co.
In the first place, Messrs. Hokes are to be congratulated on having
introduced a striking novelty into the English language—the word
Fortentons; which, being big and indistinct, looms, as it were, at the
bead of their advertisement, with a misty sublimity.
The nature of the impending event, denominated “ fortentous ” is
thus elucidated:—
“ In consequence of the Proprietors being made Sole Agents tor Macintosh's
Registered Waterproof Dupallas, for Ladies’ Sea-side, Yachting, or Travelling Wear,
they are determined to clear off their entire Stock—and, doing this, they sink all
Personal Interest, forego every consideration of gain or lucre, renounce every motive
but the one Grand Object—that of a positive and absolute Clearance of the entire
Stock—and this, they are determined, must, will, nay shall be accomplished, as the
Dupalla will be ready for Inspection in a few days.’’
This paragraph is a masterly composition—the very perfection of the
insinuating style. Sinking ail personal interest, foregoing every con-
sideration of gain or lucre, renouncing every motive but that of
desiring the positive and absolute clearance of a quantity of stock—■
that “ one grand object” might obviously be accomplished in a simple
and effectual manner by making a bonfire of the goods ; which, more-
over, would probably be the best thing to do with them.
The conclusion of H. and Co.’s PufF at once invites criticism—and
defies it —
“But words are but words, after all, so H. & Co. will proceed to lay before the Public
something of a more tangible nature. They pass on to facts, and facts are stubborn
things, but they unhesitatingly affirm that the incontrovertible tacts given in the
annexed quotations of prices, only require ocular observation to establish their identity.’’
The stubbornness of H. and Co.’s facts is only exceeded by their
acquisitiveness; and perhaps, indeed, tlie latter propensity may be con-
sidered to have dictated their entire advertisement.
Gentility at the Gold FTelds.— Refinement in Australia appears
to be a gross anomaly: and the only use of polish relates to boots
Nobody must hunt wild beasts.