DOI Heft:
July to December, 1853
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16612#0256
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
245
“ Do YOU BELIEVE IN THIS TABLE TALKING, MATILDA, THAT THERE ’S SUCH
A FUSS ABOUT ?”
“Oh dear No ! Why, the other evening a Table was asked how
OLD I WAS, AND IT RAPPED OUT FORTY ! RIDICULOUS ; WHEN I’ M NOT
THREE-AND-TWENTY TILL NEXT MARCH ! ”
“A STATUE TO ALBERT.”
(N Melody after MooreJ
“ A statue to Albert,” said Challis enchanted,
“ I ’ll start in the City; the thought is divine.”
The thought was conceived, and he now only wanted
The ear of the public to it to incline.
He wrote a few letters to people to bore them,
And ask them to second his fawning intent;
But so coldly the public appeared to ignore them.
That he saw they too plainly perceived what he meant.
“Oh how,” cried Sam Wilbereorce, “think of enshrining
The Prince by himself?—the proposal is dim ;
But with it the Great Exhibition entwining,
We ’ll get in adroitly a statue of him.”
The bargain was struck, and the project to dish up
They flew to a meeting, the plan to propound;
“ Adieu,” whispered Challis, “ yon ’re not the first bishop
Who’s kept his position by shifting his ground.”
AGRICULTURAL BRUISERS.
Thrashing, bruising and milling are now carried to such
perfection by machinery that every housekeeper may thrash
his own establishment, every father of a family may do his
own bruising, and every man may have the luxury of a private
mill on his own premises. At the recent Cattle Show, our
attention was invited to a “compact hand mill,” calculated to
do an immense amount of bruising, and to give a regular
good dressing at the same time to a certain quantity of flour.
The newspapers are continually asking us whether we bruise
our oats, and intimating that if we vigorously assault our
corn it will serve us as well again, from which we infer that
every blow administered to our oats will be the means of
an extra blow-out to our cattle. We wish our agricultural
friends would tell us whether the bruising system would be
applicable to anything else beside corn, and whether we may
safely, in addition to bruising our oats, give occasionally
a black eye to a potatoe ?
A Nom he Guerre.—The Erench papers talk of Aberdeen,
apropos of the Turkish Question, as the “ ci-Divan jeune
homme.”
A PLAN I1 OR THE SIMPLIFICATION OF
PUBLIC ORATORY.
Mr, Punch, who has suffered so much from the inordinate long-
wmdedness of onr public orators in general, and of our senators in
particular, that he can thoroughly appreciate the misery which it must
have inflicted upon the nation, has, of his own free motion and consent,
meditated and devised a scheme, by 'which the nation will be leleased
from _ the pain of hearing, and our public men from the labour of
uttering speeches; whilst the former will still have the conviction that
its representatives are taking pains to express its sentiments, and the
latter will still have their vanit y gratified by the belief that they are
making a sensation. Mr. Punch has read in the works of Messrs.
Hue and Gabet (two missionaries, in whom the humour of Rabelais
is combined with the kindly fervour of Las Casas) that the Lamas in
Thibet—who have more prayers to recite than they can get through in
a day, without suspending their ordinary avocations—are in the habit of
employing what they call Tchu Kor, or turning prayers. These are
large but light cylinders of wood, placed on an axle, and inscribed with
a great number of prayers in Thibetian characters. The devout Lama
gives the Tchu Kor a push, which sets it in motion for a considerable
period, during which he goes about his secular business, and leaves
the performance of his religions exercises to this pious whirligig.
If Mr. Punch were acquainted with the Lamas, he would suggest
to them that by the help of a little simple machinery and the aid of a
turnspit dog, they might prolong their prayers for a period quite
beyond the strength of their own ingenious but imperfect instrument.
But as it is, he contents himself with recommending that Tchu Kor,
or talking cylinders, shall be introduced into the House of Commons
without delay. So many of the speeches made in that assembly have
no sort of interest for it or for the public, and are dictated only by the
desire of the Members to acquit themselves of a duty to their consti-
tuents, that they might as well not be uttered at ad. And as no
\ speech is supposed to influence a division, or gain over a vote, whilst
many give rise to mucli bad blood, and to endless misunderstandings.
prevarications, rejoinders, and recriminations, it would be as well that
so fertile a source of mischief should at once be dried up ; and that if
Members must talk, they should do so only through the medium of
the Tchu Kor.
Each Member might have his peculiar cylinder, surmounted by a
bust of himself, and carved from that tree, whose properties were most
in accordance with the characteristics of his oratory or his politics.
Thus the cylinders of Lord Brougham and Mr. Disraeli, that
pungent couple, might be carved from the prickly pear; those of
Mr Newdegate and Mr. Henley from the sloe ; that of Mr. Hume,
the Senior of the House, from the elder • that of Sir Robert Inglis,
from the cherry, as he is the Bob cheri of the high Tories; that
of Mr. Bright, from the aspen; that of Mr. Brotherton, the
Vegetarian, from a large turnip; that of Mr. Lucas, from the bramble;
that of Mr. Cobden, from the (gpod) service tree; and that of Lord
Palmerston, the universal favourite, from the poplar. (Oh !)
The members might attend to turn their own cylinders, or the
“ Turner of the House of Commons ” (for the duties of the _ Speaker
would be at an end) might go round and set in motion the cylinders of
those whose opinions he wished to circulate. The Irish members
might be gratified, yet without any hindrance to public business, by
the simultaneous gyrations of all their cylinders; a number of others,
inscribed with the words Hear! Hear ! or Question! might always
be kept going; and if any honourable gentlemen chose to inscribe on
their Tchu Kor words descriptive of cock-crowing or braying, they
might make fowls or donkeys of themselves without hurting the
feelings of others. In short Mr. Punch is so interested in his scheme,
and so anxious for its development, that he pledges himself to have
Toby in readiness to turn Lord John Russell’s Tchu Kor, on the
very first night that the scheme shall come into operation
conservatives in ill odour.
In whatever sense of the word the Corporation of London has
conserved the Thames, it has not made that river a conserve of roses.
245
“ Do YOU BELIEVE IN THIS TABLE TALKING, MATILDA, THAT THERE ’S SUCH
A FUSS ABOUT ?”
“Oh dear No ! Why, the other evening a Table was asked how
OLD I WAS, AND IT RAPPED OUT FORTY ! RIDICULOUS ; WHEN I’ M NOT
THREE-AND-TWENTY TILL NEXT MARCH ! ”
“A STATUE TO ALBERT.”
(N Melody after MooreJ
“ A statue to Albert,” said Challis enchanted,
“ I ’ll start in the City; the thought is divine.”
The thought was conceived, and he now only wanted
The ear of the public to it to incline.
He wrote a few letters to people to bore them,
And ask them to second his fawning intent;
But so coldly the public appeared to ignore them.
That he saw they too plainly perceived what he meant.
“Oh how,” cried Sam Wilbereorce, “think of enshrining
The Prince by himself?—the proposal is dim ;
But with it the Great Exhibition entwining,
We ’ll get in adroitly a statue of him.”
The bargain was struck, and the project to dish up
They flew to a meeting, the plan to propound;
“ Adieu,” whispered Challis, “ yon ’re not the first bishop
Who’s kept his position by shifting his ground.”
AGRICULTURAL BRUISERS.
Thrashing, bruising and milling are now carried to such
perfection by machinery that every housekeeper may thrash
his own establishment, every father of a family may do his
own bruising, and every man may have the luxury of a private
mill on his own premises. At the recent Cattle Show, our
attention was invited to a “compact hand mill,” calculated to
do an immense amount of bruising, and to give a regular
good dressing at the same time to a certain quantity of flour.
The newspapers are continually asking us whether we bruise
our oats, and intimating that if we vigorously assault our
corn it will serve us as well again, from which we infer that
every blow administered to our oats will be the means of
an extra blow-out to our cattle. We wish our agricultural
friends would tell us whether the bruising system would be
applicable to anything else beside corn, and whether we may
safely, in addition to bruising our oats, give occasionally
a black eye to a potatoe ?
A Nom he Guerre.—The Erench papers talk of Aberdeen,
apropos of the Turkish Question, as the “ ci-Divan jeune
homme.”
A PLAN I1 OR THE SIMPLIFICATION OF
PUBLIC ORATORY.
Mr, Punch, who has suffered so much from the inordinate long-
wmdedness of onr public orators in general, and of our senators in
particular, that he can thoroughly appreciate the misery which it must
have inflicted upon the nation, has, of his own free motion and consent,
meditated and devised a scheme, by 'which the nation will be leleased
from _ the pain of hearing, and our public men from the labour of
uttering speeches; whilst the former will still have the conviction that
its representatives are taking pains to express its sentiments, and the
latter will still have their vanit y gratified by the belief that they are
making a sensation. Mr. Punch has read in the works of Messrs.
Hue and Gabet (two missionaries, in whom the humour of Rabelais
is combined with the kindly fervour of Las Casas) that the Lamas in
Thibet—who have more prayers to recite than they can get through in
a day, without suspending their ordinary avocations—are in the habit of
employing what they call Tchu Kor, or turning prayers. These are
large but light cylinders of wood, placed on an axle, and inscribed with
a great number of prayers in Thibetian characters. The devout Lama
gives the Tchu Kor a push, which sets it in motion for a considerable
period, during which he goes about his secular business, and leaves
the performance of his religions exercises to this pious whirligig.
If Mr. Punch were acquainted with the Lamas, he would suggest
to them that by the help of a little simple machinery and the aid of a
turnspit dog, they might prolong their prayers for a period quite
beyond the strength of their own ingenious but imperfect instrument.
But as it is, he contents himself with recommending that Tchu Kor,
or talking cylinders, shall be introduced into the House of Commons
without delay. So many of the speeches made in that assembly have
no sort of interest for it or for the public, and are dictated only by the
desire of the Members to acquit themselves of a duty to their consti-
tuents, that they might as well not be uttered at ad. And as no
\ speech is supposed to influence a division, or gain over a vote, whilst
many give rise to mucli bad blood, and to endless misunderstandings.
prevarications, rejoinders, and recriminations, it would be as well that
so fertile a source of mischief should at once be dried up ; and that if
Members must talk, they should do so only through the medium of
the Tchu Kor.
Each Member might have his peculiar cylinder, surmounted by a
bust of himself, and carved from that tree, whose properties were most
in accordance with the characteristics of his oratory or his politics.
Thus the cylinders of Lord Brougham and Mr. Disraeli, that
pungent couple, might be carved from the prickly pear; those of
Mr Newdegate and Mr. Henley from the sloe ; that of Mr. Hume,
the Senior of the House, from the elder • that of Sir Robert Inglis,
from the cherry, as he is the Bob cheri of the high Tories; that
of Mr. Bright, from the aspen; that of Mr. Brotherton, the
Vegetarian, from a large turnip; that of Mr. Lucas, from the bramble;
that of Mr. Cobden, from the (gpod) service tree; and that of Lord
Palmerston, the universal favourite, from the poplar. (Oh !)
The members might attend to turn their own cylinders, or the
“ Turner of the House of Commons ” (for the duties of the _ Speaker
would be at an end) might go round and set in motion the cylinders of
those whose opinions he wished to circulate. The Irish members
might be gratified, yet without any hindrance to public business, by
the simultaneous gyrations of all their cylinders; a number of others,
inscribed with the words Hear! Hear ! or Question! might always
be kept going; and if any honourable gentlemen chose to inscribe on
their Tchu Kor words descriptive of cock-crowing or braying, they
might make fowls or donkeys of themselves without hurting the
feelings of others. In short Mr. Punch is so interested in his scheme,
and so anxious for its development, that he pledges himself to have
Toby in readiness to turn Lord John Russell’s Tchu Kor, on the
very first night that the scheme shall come into operation
conservatives in ill odour.
In whatever sense of the word the Corporation of London has
conserved the Thames, it has not made that river a conserve of roses.