PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
69
PARLIAMENTARY QUESTION AND ANSWER.
We have a proposition to make to Her Majesty’s Government!
We don’t want office, for there is no office the Ministers could offer ns
chat would be anything like an equivalent to our own office, the world-
renowned 85, Fleet Street. We don’t want any appointment; for any-
thing of that sort which would too much occupy our time to allow us to
attend to our literary duties, though it might be an appointment to us,
would be such a disappointment to the public as no amount of money
could compensate. What then is our proposition to the Government ?
It is simply to undertake the duty of preparing answers to the questions
asked in Parliament; a duty in which all the Ministers—save one—
exhibit a sad deficiency of tact and terseness. The only member of the
Government who really knows how to give a good and telling answer
to a question is our friend Palmerston, who, from his style, would
seem to have been educated in the Fundi school, but that the school
had not been founded when his lordship had arrived st maturity.
Nevertheless, he is one of those who are never too old to learn ; and he
has, palpably, profited by our style of teaching.
To show our fitness for the task we propose to undertake, we add a
few specimens of the answers we should have given to some questions
that have been recently asked of Ministers; and, as they usually have
notice that a question is about to be asked, there would be ample time
to obtain from us the reply required.
“New Chuech in Paris.—Mr. Wire wished to know, from the Comptroller of
Works, whether he had sanctioned the destruction of the Stables of the British
Embassy at Paris for the purpose of building a church on the site, which was said
to he worth A'8000.
“ Sir W. Molesworth (would—if we had prepared his answer for him—have) said,
that as yet nothing had been decided, but, undoubtedly, if the Church should be
built over the Stables, it would have a stable foundation.
“N.B.—We are quite sure that this reply would secure a ‘laugh’ and a cry of
‘ hear,’ which is always so much political ‘ capital ’ secured to the Government.
“ The Thames Tunnel.—Mr. A. Pellatt asked whether the Government intended
to make the Thames Tunnel available for carriage traffic.
“Sir W. Molesworth (should have) said that the Government felt no inclination
to go into the Thames Tunnel, as it was not very easy to see one’s way out of it.
There had heen a great deal of public money already spent, which might he con-
sidered to have heen thrown to the bottom of the Thames. Some people slept with
their cash boxes under their beds for safety, but he thought it would not be advisable
to put any more money under the bed of the river, The engineer had certainly got
through a great deal of difficulty, but if he had got through the bottom of the Thames
as rapidly as he had got through the money, the job would not have been a very
lengthy one.”
It will be seen from the above specimens of answers, “ flicked off” at
the moment, that we should adopt the style of reply that would be
sure to tell in the House, where a very little wit goes a very great way,
and comes a very great way too, for it is usually of the most far-
fetched description.
INCONSISTENCIES !
A person arguing “ merely to elicit the truth,” and losing his
temper because he gets the worst of the argument!
Clergymen complaining of the ignorance of the people, and yet
opposing every plan for National education !
Scotchmen, lull of Scotch grievances, leaving the country they
make such a fuss about !
Peace Society men breathing universal brotherhood, and indulging
in inflammatory language that is more than likely to lead to a breach
of the peace!
High-titled ladies sympathising deeply with the slaves of America,
and keeping up a number of milliners working all night, because they
must have their dresses sent home by a certain time !
Magistrates building the costliest prisons, and not erecting a single
school!
Irish members always abusing the Government, and yet too happy
to accept a situation under it!
| Agriculturists paying enormous prices for Peruvian Guano, and yet
I allowing all the London Sewerage to be wasted in the Thames!
Tradesmen giving their daughters the education of fine young ladies,
and expecting them to mind the shop !
Condemning a boy to prison for stealing a handkerchief, and yet
j allowing a wealthy shopkeeper, who has been convicted several times of
using false weights, to get off with a small fine !
Patriots declaiming loudly about the liberty of the subject, and putting
their servants in livery !
Exeter Hall, whilst there is so much darkness at home, sending
missionaries abroad to enlighten the heathens !
Government, seeing the charitable necessity of a ten-hours’ bill in
the cotton-mills, not passing a similar measure for the benefit of the
tailors, the slopsellers, milliners, needlewomen, and other oppressed
classes, with whom the hours of working are only limited by the will of
the master!
An Infallible Oratorical Rule.—It is very strange that the
most garrulous speakers, no matter whether in public or in private,
are invariably those who are “ unaccustomed to public speaking.”
PRETTY NAMES FOR THE NAYY.
Noav that we are about to embark in war, in the cause of justice and
humanity, we really ought to change the nomenclature of our Navy.
“ Her Majesty’s ship Furious has just returned from the direction of
Odessa,” says a newspaper paragraph. Furious! what a name for
a man-of-war whose character we naturally associate with the calm
courage of the British sailor. The mission of men-of-war, indeed, now
is to preserve peace, and we should not assign them the names of
angry passions, or of destructive processes and burning mountains.
Devastation or Stromboli! why, we might as well christen a ship
(and ships are named by christening) Beelzebub, or Tophet ; Primrose
Hill would be greatly preferable to Stromboli; Devastation might be
exchanged for Beneficence; and for such appellations as the Furious,
the Terrible, &c., might be substituted the Amiable, the Gentle, the
Modest,—not, however, the Retiring. Nay, if the Peace Society had
really done anything to preserve peace, a line-of-battle-ship, instead of
being called Ajax or Agamemnon, might be denominated Cobden or
Bright.
ROME AND GREASE.
OT long ago the Freeman’s Journal
announced a religious service to take
place at the Metropolitan Church, Marl-
borough Street; informing those whom
it concerned that
“ On that day at Eleven o’clock, the Archbishop
and Clergy shall proceed to the solemn Benediction
of the Candles. Immediately after there shall be
a Procession with Lighted Candles through the
Aisles and Nave of the Church.”
And also publishing the further informa-
tion that
“ Those Catholic families who desire to have
tlieir Candles blessed on that day by the Arch-
bishop will be pleased to have them sent in on the
evening before, or on the morning of the festival,
labelled, each with the name and address of the
owner, which they can have immediately after the
mid-day ceremonies.”
Is the benediction limited to candles ? Are lamps not capable of
being blessed likewise ? If one were to send a quantity of campkine
to the Archbishop, would he bless that F If gas only were burnt by
any person, how would it be necessary for him to manage F Incon-
venience would attend the removal of the meter and the fittings, and
it is not easy to see how the thing could be done unless by getting the
Archbishop to bless the gas-works altogether, the whole plant. Still,
gas would be better adapted for blessing than candles, if the ceremony
involved sprinkling with holy water, which would not affect the former
but might make the latter splutter ! Perhaps, however, it may have
the contrary effect, and may, by miracle, prevent the candles from
guttering, or otherwise burning badly; which is the only advantage
that it is possible to imagine any one could expect from the blessing of
candles. Possibly those who send their candles to be blessed, however,
believe that their rushlights will come back moulds.
A QUESTION OE ECONOMY.
We wonder what the Solicitor to the Post Office gets, in the course
of the year, for prosecuting the numerous postmen _ who are taken up
for abstracting money out of the letters. Considering the unfortunate
number of cases, we should say the sum paid to him must be very
large. We should not wish to have a better Christmas Box, than to
be presented with the amount of his Bill of Costs every year. Now,
would it not be wiser to devote that amoiuit to the increase of the
postmen’s wages, and so, by giving them a fair sum that they can live
upon, place them above the reach of temptation. It would put an end
to all prosecutions, and the Post Office would be relieved of an
infinity of trouble. Moreover, we really _ think that establishment
would find, in the long run, that the alteration had been one of great
economy; whilst to the public, who is the great sufferer in these
robberies, there can be no doubt that the change would be attended
with a considerable saving. What does Mr. Rowland Hill say to
our proposal F _
To Medical Men.
WO BE SOLD, a Decided Bargain, by a gentleman who is retiring from the
-L neighbourhood, THE PRACTICE of a Young Lady, who is learning the Piano
next door. Apply to Old Fvdgetts, Esq., Rosewood Cottage, Broadwood Square,
Islington. __
A Dreadful Hue and Cry—A Spirit Medium, who has absconded
at Vermont, without paying one of her debts, is advertised m the
American papers as “ a runaway-rap.”
69
PARLIAMENTARY QUESTION AND ANSWER.
We have a proposition to make to Her Majesty’s Government!
We don’t want office, for there is no office the Ministers could offer ns
chat would be anything like an equivalent to our own office, the world-
renowned 85, Fleet Street. We don’t want any appointment; for any-
thing of that sort which would too much occupy our time to allow us to
attend to our literary duties, though it might be an appointment to us,
would be such a disappointment to the public as no amount of money
could compensate. What then is our proposition to the Government ?
It is simply to undertake the duty of preparing answers to the questions
asked in Parliament; a duty in which all the Ministers—save one—
exhibit a sad deficiency of tact and terseness. The only member of the
Government who really knows how to give a good and telling answer
to a question is our friend Palmerston, who, from his style, would
seem to have been educated in the Fundi school, but that the school
had not been founded when his lordship had arrived st maturity.
Nevertheless, he is one of those who are never too old to learn ; and he
has, palpably, profited by our style of teaching.
To show our fitness for the task we propose to undertake, we add a
few specimens of the answers we should have given to some questions
that have been recently asked of Ministers; and, as they usually have
notice that a question is about to be asked, there would be ample time
to obtain from us the reply required.
“New Chuech in Paris.—Mr. Wire wished to know, from the Comptroller of
Works, whether he had sanctioned the destruction of the Stables of the British
Embassy at Paris for the purpose of building a church on the site, which was said
to he worth A'8000.
“ Sir W. Molesworth (would—if we had prepared his answer for him—have) said,
that as yet nothing had been decided, but, undoubtedly, if the Church should be
built over the Stables, it would have a stable foundation.
“N.B.—We are quite sure that this reply would secure a ‘laugh’ and a cry of
‘ hear,’ which is always so much political ‘ capital ’ secured to the Government.
“ The Thames Tunnel.—Mr. A. Pellatt asked whether the Government intended
to make the Thames Tunnel available for carriage traffic.
“Sir W. Molesworth (should have) said that the Government felt no inclination
to go into the Thames Tunnel, as it was not very easy to see one’s way out of it.
There had heen a great deal of public money already spent, which might he con-
sidered to have heen thrown to the bottom of the Thames. Some people slept with
their cash boxes under their beds for safety, but he thought it would not be advisable
to put any more money under the bed of the river, The engineer had certainly got
through a great deal of difficulty, but if he had got through the bottom of the Thames
as rapidly as he had got through the money, the job would not have been a very
lengthy one.”
It will be seen from the above specimens of answers, “ flicked off” at
the moment, that we should adopt the style of reply that would be
sure to tell in the House, where a very little wit goes a very great way,
and comes a very great way too, for it is usually of the most far-
fetched description.
INCONSISTENCIES !
A person arguing “ merely to elicit the truth,” and losing his
temper because he gets the worst of the argument!
Clergymen complaining of the ignorance of the people, and yet
opposing every plan for National education !
Scotchmen, lull of Scotch grievances, leaving the country they
make such a fuss about !
Peace Society men breathing universal brotherhood, and indulging
in inflammatory language that is more than likely to lead to a breach
of the peace!
High-titled ladies sympathising deeply with the slaves of America,
and keeping up a number of milliners working all night, because they
must have their dresses sent home by a certain time !
Magistrates building the costliest prisons, and not erecting a single
school!
Irish members always abusing the Government, and yet too happy
to accept a situation under it!
| Agriculturists paying enormous prices for Peruvian Guano, and yet
I allowing all the London Sewerage to be wasted in the Thames!
Tradesmen giving their daughters the education of fine young ladies,
and expecting them to mind the shop !
Condemning a boy to prison for stealing a handkerchief, and yet
j allowing a wealthy shopkeeper, who has been convicted several times of
using false weights, to get off with a small fine !
Patriots declaiming loudly about the liberty of the subject, and putting
their servants in livery !
Exeter Hall, whilst there is so much darkness at home, sending
missionaries abroad to enlighten the heathens !
Government, seeing the charitable necessity of a ten-hours’ bill in
the cotton-mills, not passing a similar measure for the benefit of the
tailors, the slopsellers, milliners, needlewomen, and other oppressed
classes, with whom the hours of working are only limited by the will of
the master!
An Infallible Oratorical Rule.—It is very strange that the
most garrulous speakers, no matter whether in public or in private,
are invariably those who are “ unaccustomed to public speaking.”
PRETTY NAMES FOR THE NAYY.
Noav that we are about to embark in war, in the cause of justice and
humanity, we really ought to change the nomenclature of our Navy.
“ Her Majesty’s ship Furious has just returned from the direction of
Odessa,” says a newspaper paragraph. Furious! what a name for
a man-of-war whose character we naturally associate with the calm
courage of the British sailor. The mission of men-of-war, indeed, now
is to preserve peace, and we should not assign them the names of
angry passions, or of destructive processes and burning mountains.
Devastation or Stromboli! why, we might as well christen a ship
(and ships are named by christening) Beelzebub, or Tophet ; Primrose
Hill would be greatly preferable to Stromboli; Devastation might be
exchanged for Beneficence; and for such appellations as the Furious,
the Terrible, &c., might be substituted the Amiable, the Gentle, the
Modest,—not, however, the Retiring. Nay, if the Peace Society had
really done anything to preserve peace, a line-of-battle-ship, instead of
being called Ajax or Agamemnon, might be denominated Cobden or
Bright.
ROME AND GREASE.
OT long ago the Freeman’s Journal
announced a religious service to take
place at the Metropolitan Church, Marl-
borough Street; informing those whom
it concerned that
“ On that day at Eleven o’clock, the Archbishop
and Clergy shall proceed to the solemn Benediction
of the Candles. Immediately after there shall be
a Procession with Lighted Candles through the
Aisles and Nave of the Church.”
And also publishing the further informa-
tion that
“ Those Catholic families who desire to have
tlieir Candles blessed on that day by the Arch-
bishop will be pleased to have them sent in on the
evening before, or on the morning of the festival,
labelled, each with the name and address of the
owner, which they can have immediately after the
mid-day ceremonies.”
Is the benediction limited to candles ? Are lamps not capable of
being blessed likewise ? If one were to send a quantity of campkine
to the Archbishop, would he bless that F If gas only were burnt by
any person, how would it be necessary for him to manage F Incon-
venience would attend the removal of the meter and the fittings, and
it is not easy to see how the thing could be done unless by getting the
Archbishop to bless the gas-works altogether, the whole plant. Still,
gas would be better adapted for blessing than candles, if the ceremony
involved sprinkling with holy water, which would not affect the former
but might make the latter splutter ! Perhaps, however, it may have
the contrary effect, and may, by miracle, prevent the candles from
guttering, or otherwise burning badly; which is the only advantage
that it is possible to imagine any one could expect from the blessing of
candles. Possibly those who send their candles to be blessed, however,
believe that their rushlights will come back moulds.
A QUESTION OE ECONOMY.
We wonder what the Solicitor to the Post Office gets, in the course
of the year, for prosecuting the numerous postmen _ who are taken up
for abstracting money out of the letters. Considering the unfortunate
number of cases, we should say the sum paid to him must be very
large. We should not wish to have a better Christmas Box, than to
be presented with the amount of his Bill of Costs every year. Now,
would it not be wiser to devote that amoiuit to the increase of the
postmen’s wages, and so, by giving them a fair sum that they can live
upon, place them above the reach of temptation. It would put an end
to all prosecutions, and the Post Office would be relieved of an
infinity of trouble. Moreover, we really _ think that establishment
would find, in the long run, that the alteration had been one of great
economy; whilst to the public, who is the great sufferer in these
robberies, there can be no doubt that the change would be attended
with a considerable saving. What does Mr. Rowland Hill say to
our proposal F _
To Medical Men.
WO BE SOLD, a Decided Bargain, by a gentleman who is retiring from the
-L neighbourhood, THE PRACTICE of a Young Lady, who is learning the Piano
next door. Apply to Old Fvdgetts, Esq., Rosewood Cottage, Broadwood Square,
Islington. __
A Dreadful Hue and Cry—A Spirit Medium, who has absconded
at Vermont, without paying one of her debts, is advertised m the
American papers as “ a runaway-rap.”