DOI issue:
July to December, 1854
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16614#0102
94 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
KEPT IN TOWN.
Comrades— you are
ofl' on pieasur;
—I must linger
here forlorn •
Not ahouse where
I can dine at—
nothing open but
Cremorne.
All my friends
have gone and
left me; all I
know are far a-
way:
Some are yacht-
ing, some are
sporting, some at
country houses
stay.
And I see
the grouse at
Groves's, and I
think upon the
moors ;
They have shut up all the clubs, and they have opened all the sewers.
Gone from Rotten Row the dandies—gone the neatly got-up grooms;
Gone the pretty riding-habits; gone the quiet little broughams.
Hot and hard the length of gravel, for the water-carts are done ;
What am I that I should murmur, being but a younger son ?
Being but a Treasury Clerk, to whom existence is a bore •
Working for a wretched pittance, every day from ten to lour.
In the season, there's the paper kills time for an hour or two ;
Now the Times itself is empty—at a glance one skims it through.
I am sick of the Crimea—sick of Bomarsund—and all:
And the very name of Perry's nauseous, in large type or small.
've read all about the Cholera, till I think I could impart,
Prom chalk-mixture up to camphor, every remedy by heart.
Alter office hours I wander, in a sort of moody maze,
Up Pail-Mall, and through Belgravia—all the haunts of happier days.
At the houses, where to dinner oft I've driven at half-past eight,
Pint pots—token of board-wages—hang upon the area-gate.
There where Guntek's stately foremen wont the supper carts to stop,
Butcher-boys to lean charwomen hand the solitary chop.
Balconies, where ball-room-roses bloomed 'neath Edgington's
marquees,
Show a range of dusty bow-pots for the cats to take their ease.
'Tis the square, where she would meet me—meet me, between four
and five,
When the governess was busy, and Mamma was on her drive.
Where she brought the new French novel to the very shadiest spot,
Which she always meant to get through, but through which she
never got.
On my Mabel—shallow-hearted !—was it well to let me down,
And go off to Baden-Baden, when you might have staid in town ?
For your father is in office—a pretext you might have had :
Staid to mind the old boy's comforts : he'd have only been too glad !
Darkling comes the night and dreary; and the gas they're lighting up:
But for me—where can I go to ? I've no place to dine or sup.
At the club they cook no dinners: and the smoking-room is bare :
All the house, in fact, is under what the steward calls " repair."
Even Pratt's is sad and seedy : oh? this is not to be borne—
I will rush to the Casino : I will drive to far Cremorne.
What is there that I should care for ? From what madness should
I shrink ?
I will eat September oysters : sherry-cobblers I will drink.
I will take a snobbish female: I will join the platform dance :
There indulge in gentish antics, and unseemly pas from France.
What to me is indigestion ? What to me is head-ache now ?
I will chaff the stern policeman, though I get into a row.
Though he take me to the station—bring me up before the beak—
Let them send me to the tread-mill—'tis excitement that I seek.
Let it come in any form: policeman—station—beak or mill.
Aught but this bare, blank existence—'tis a horse enough to kill!
Let it come and sweep me with it: though the governor should frown;
Serves him right for thus deserting his poor sou—the last in town!
CORONERS AND RAILWAY COMPANIES.
{Specially Reported?)
An investigation into the causes of the last accident (but eleven)
which took place on the Grand Indirect Fast and West Junction Bail-
way, was held before Mia. Coroner Cringe and a select jury, at the
Buffalo's Arms, Wapshot, on Tuesday last. It will be remembered
that upon the occasion in question an express train ran into an excur-
sion train, and that four carriage-fulls of passengers were either
destroyed or mutilated. The interests of the sufferers or their
executors were represented by Mr. Pounce, a solicitor; while Mr.
Bluster, q.C, and Mr. Snarl, of the common-law bar, attended on
the part of the railway company. The public was unrepresented, the
law officers of the Crown having special retainers in private cases,
which made their att endance, for which the country pays them only a
general retainer, impossible upon the present occasion.
The Coroner opened the proceedings by addressing the jury. He
must begin by stating that the conduct of the Grand Indirect East and
West Junction Railway Company did them the highest credit. They
were disposed to court the very fullest investigation, and, although it
might not be strictly within his judicial knowledge, ne must add that
the first-class carriages on the line were most cominrtable, and the
station-masters were among the most genteel and polite young men he
had ever seen. That, however, did not exactly bear upon tne present
inquiry, which was, how this unlucky accident had occurred to vary
the usual regularity and safety of the excellent and adinrable line in
question.
Mr. Bluster begged to remind the Coroner that he, Mji. B., and
not the Coroner, was the advocate of the Company.
The Coroner was aware of that, and was quite sure that tt e usual
sound discretion exercised by the Company had dictated their choice
of counsel.
The first witness, Henry Batter, was called. He said that on
Tuesday last he was a passenger by the excursion train from Didieton.
At 6'30 they passed the Hangmansleigh Station, and were going at a
wretched pace—
The Coroner cautioned the witness not to use injurious expressions.
The train might be going more slowlv than the witness liked, hut
surely a noble Company like that of the Grand Indirect knew betier
than the witness what pace to keep.
The Witness, in contmuation, said that they were going not more thas>
thirteen miles an hour.
The Coroner said that this showed the prudence and caution ot
the Company. As it was, the pace was faster than that- of the best
stage coach of former days. How much had the witness paid ?
Witness.—Thirteen-and-sixpence.
The C0R.0NER (with indignation).—What! To come ninety miles *
And with such generous liberality on the part of the Company, the
witness had the bareness to complain of the pace ! He thought, after
such a display of character, it would be for the jury to consider what
weight to attach to the witness's evidence.
The Witness said that he paid what was asked, and believed that
by law the Company undertook to convey him speedily and safely. He
certainly did not accept the contract on the understanding that he was
to take the chances of a smash.
The Coroner immediately ordered him into custody for speaking so
flippantly of a great public body, and expressed a conviction that the
jury would be as much disgusted as he was.
Laura Mould was then called. She deposed to the fact that she
had been travelling by the excursion train, and as they came crawling
up to the Hangmansleigh Station—
The Coroner.—Don't say crawling, woman. Beetles crawl. As
the train was proceeding at a comparatively slow pace—well ?
Witness adhered to the word crawling, and despite all the remon-
strances of the Coroner, who entreated her to consider what a splendid
institution the railway was, and how much the public were indebted to
the spirited and wealthy gentlemen who managed it, she would use no
other word. The Coroner was obliged, therefore, to record his protest,
and to take her evidence, that while the excursion train was lagging,
three quarters of an hour late, the express ran into it, and caused
terrible damage.
Seventeen other witnesses deposed to the same fact, and despite the
Coroner's cautions, inveighed bitterly against the mismanagement of
the railway.
KEPT IN TOWN.
Comrades— you are
ofl' on pieasur;
—I must linger
here forlorn •
Not ahouse where
I can dine at—
nothing open but
Cremorne.
All my friends
have gone and
left me; all I
know are far a-
way:
Some are yacht-
ing, some are
sporting, some at
country houses
stay.
And I see
the grouse at
Groves's, and I
think upon the
moors ;
They have shut up all the clubs, and they have opened all the sewers.
Gone from Rotten Row the dandies—gone the neatly got-up grooms;
Gone the pretty riding-habits; gone the quiet little broughams.
Hot and hard the length of gravel, for the water-carts are done ;
What am I that I should murmur, being but a younger son ?
Being but a Treasury Clerk, to whom existence is a bore •
Working for a wretched pittance, every day from ten to lour.
In the season, there's the paper kills time for an hour or two ;
Now the Times itself is empty—at a glance one skims it through.
I am sick of the Crimea—sick of Bomarsund—and all:
And the very name of Perry's nauseous, in large type or small.
've read all about the Cholera, till I think I could impart,
Prom chalk-mixture up to camphor, every remedy by heart.
Alter office hours I wander, in a sort of moody maze,
Up Pail-Mall, and through Belgravia—all the haunts of happier days.
At the houses, where to dinner oft I've driven at half-past eight,
Pint pots—token of board-wages—hang upon the area-gate.
There where Guntek's stately foremen wont the supper carts to stop,
Butcher-boys to lean charwomen hand the solitary chop.
Balconies, where ball-room-roses bloomed 'neath Edgington's
marquees,
Show a range of dusty bow-pots for the cats to take their ease.
'Tis the square, where she would meet me—meet me, between four
and five,
When the governess was busy, and Mamma was on her drive.
Where she brought the new French novel to the very shadiest spot,
Which she always meant to get through, but through which she
never got.
On my Mabel—shallow-hearted !—was it well to let me down,
And go off to Baden-Baden, when you might have staid in town ?
For your father is in office—a pretext you might have had :
Staid to mind the old boy's comforts : he'd have only been too glad !
Darkling comes the night and dreary; and the gas they're lighting up:
But for me—where can I go to ? I've no place to dine or sup.
At the club they cook no dinners: and the smoking-room is bare :
All the house, in fact, is under what the steward calls " repair."
Even Pratt's is sad and seedy : oh? this is not to be borne—
I will rush to the Casino : I will drive to far Cremorne.
What is there that I should care for ? From what madness should
I shrink ?
I will eat September oysters : sherry-cobblers I will drink.
I will take a snobbish female: I will join the platform dance :
There indulge in gentish antics, and unseemly pas from France.
What to me is indigestion ? What to me is head-ache now ?
I will chaff the stern policeman, though I get into a row.
Though he take me to the station—bring me up before the beak—
Let them send me to the tread-mill—'tis excitement that I seek.
Let it come in any form: policeman—station—beak or mill.
Aught but this bare, blank existence—'tis a horse enough to kill!
Let it come and sweep me with it: though the governor should frown;
Serves him right for thus deserting his poor sou—the last in town!
CORONERS AND RAILWAY COMPANIES.
{Specially Reported?)
An investigation into the causes of the last accident (but eleven)
which took place on the Grand Indirect Fast and West Junction Bail-
way, was held before Mia. Coroner Cringe and a select jury, at the
Buffalo's Arms, Wapshot, on Tuesday last. It will be remembered
that upon the occasion in question an express train ran into an excur-
sion train, and that four carriage-fulls of passengers were either
destroyed or mutilated. The interests of the sufferers or their
executors were represented by Mr. Pounce, a solicitor; while Mr.
Bluster, q.C, and Mr. Snarl, of the common-law bar, attended on
the part of the railway company. The public was unrepresented, the
law officers of the Crown having special retainers in private cases,
which made their att endance, for which the country pays them only a
general retainer, impossible upon the present occasion.
The Coroner opened the proceedings by addressing the jury. He
must begin by stating that the conduct of the Grand Indirect East and
West Junction Railway Company did them the highest credit. They
were disposed to court the very fullest investigation, and, although it
might not be strictly within his judicial knowledge, ne must add that
the first-class carriages on the line were most cominrtable, and the
station-masters were among the most genteel and polite young men he
had ever seen. That, however, did not exactly bear upon tne present
inquiry, which was, how this unlucky accident had occurred to vary
the usual regularity and safety of the excellent and adinrable line in
question.
Mr. Bluster begged to remind the Coroner that he, Mji. B., and
not the Coroner, was the advocate of the Company.
The Coroner was aware of that, and was quite sure that tt e usual
sound discretion exercised by the Company had dictated their choice
of counsel.
The first witness, Henry Batter, was called. He said that on
Tuesday last he was a passenger by the excursion train from Didieton.
At 6'30 they passed the Hangmansleigh Station, and were going at a
wretched pace—
The Coroner cautioned the witness not to use injurious expressions.
The train might be going more slowlv than the witness liked, hut
surely a noble Company like that of the Grand Indirect knew betier
than the witness what pace to keep.
The Witness, in contmuation, said that they were going not more thas>
thirteen miles an hour.
The Coroner said that this showed the prudence and caution ot
the Company. As it was, the pace was faster than that- of the best
stage coach of former days. How much had the witness paid ?
Witness.—Thirteen-and-sixpence.
The C0R.0NER (with indignation).—What! To come ninety miles *
And with such generous liberality on the part of the Company, the
witness had the bareness to complain of the pace ! He thought, after
such a display of character, it would be for the jury to consider what
weight to attach to the witness's evidence.
The Witness said that he paid what was asked, and believed that
by law the Company undertook to convey him speedily and safely. He
certainly did not accept the contract on the understanding that he was
to take the chances of a smash.
The Coroner immediately ordered him into custody for speaking so
flippantly of a great public body, and expressed a conviction that the
jury would be as much disgusted as he was.
Laura Mould was then called. She deposed to the fact that she
had been travelling by the excursion train, and as they came crawling
up to the Hangmansleigh Station—
The Coroner.—Don't say crawling, woman. Beetles crawl. As
the train was proceeding at a comparatively slow pace—well ?
Witness adhered to the word crawling, and despite all the remon-
strances of the Coroner, who entreated her to consider what a splendid
institution the railway was, and how much the public were indebted to
the spirited and wealthy gentlemen who managed it, she would use no
other word. The Coroner was obliged, therefore, to record his protest,
and to take her evidence, that while the excursion train was lagging,
three quarters of an hour late, the express ran into it, and caused
terrible damage.
Seventeen other witnesses deposed to the same fact, and despite the
Coroner's cautions, inveighed bitterly against the mismanagement of
the railway.